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Ascend, Christian Youth! (Just…not your boners)

Via Hemant comes this weird peek into the world of Christian sexophobia. There’s this event going on in Chicago called The Ascension Convention, and someone snapped this facepalm-worthy photo.

Because, apparently, when guys and girls have thirty seconds alone and unchaperoned in an elevator together, the babymakin’ explodes! No young adult can be trusted with their own genitals for a single unguarded moment, because Satan is lurking around every corner with his little French Ticklefork to prod your naughty bits into action.

Folks, if you’ve just been utterly baffled as to what’s brought on the recent right-wing onslaught of anti-abortion, anti-birth-control, anti-marriage-equality, anti-anything you might like to do in the privacy of your own bedroom that might squick a Christian out legislation, this is it. These people are taught from a very young age that human bodies, presumably created and perfectly designed by their loving God, are evil. That’s a recipe for sexual neurosis all on its own. We’re not just fighting prudery here, gang. We’re fighting full-on psychological dysfunction.

Then again, we could turn this into a selling point for the next atheist convention. “Come to Skepticon for great speakers, panels, parties, and hawt secks in the elevators!”

Comments

  1. says

    Well, I hate to be the one to point this out, but we atheists could have saved everyone a lot of emotional strain if we’d established the same policy at our conventions…

  2. 'Tis Himself says

    Butch Hancock’s famous comment is appropriate:

    Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in Hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and you should save it for someone you love.

  3. A says

    Muriel, if you hadn’t done it, I would have. More generally, reduction of (perceived) assault risk could actually be a reasonable aim behind girls-only elevators.

  4. godlesspanther says

    I’m claustrophobic, so I’m afraid that I would have trouble getting in the mood within the confines of an elevator.

  5. jacobfromlost says

    Once again, the believers take a literalist view–but this time, of the lyrics to the song “Love in an elevator.”

    Someone tell them it isn’t about elevators.

  6. Harper says

    Ha ha ha ha, clever! I guess they have to specify that the hawt elevator secks has to be agreed upon before entering said elevator!

  7. says

    Elevatorgate wasn’t about the elevator, it was about the inappropriate advance, and those happen to women everywhere. You won’t rid society of that behavior simply by segregating elevators.

    These folks are much more likely to be basing their rules on that age-old Christian fear of premarital sex and ideas about sex as sin.

  8. says

    I know it’s hard to make out the difference, Poe and stuff, but I hope you don’t think I seriously support elevatorial segregation.

  9. mond says

    Surely this is a boon for the anyone with an attraction to the same sex.

    Girls in close proximity with other girls in a confined space.

    Boys side by side on the moving stairs.

    Christians promoting a gay friendly policy.

    Wow…who’d a thought it.

  10. godlesspanther says

    But super orthodox Jews do have sex — they have little ones. Perhaps they hate every second of it and get it over with as quickly as they can but they do it.

    The longest lasting and largest religious group that practiced a complete ban on all sexual behavior were the Shakers. No sex — nothing similar to it, no talking about it, no thinking about it, no, no, no.

    Their membership grew from converts because that was the only way it could. They adopted many children and raised them as Shakers. Somehow this cult survived from the mid 1700s into the 20th century. There are still a few left, from Wiki:

    “In the United States, there was one remaining active Shaker community, at Sabbathday Lake, Maine, which as of January 2011 has only three members: Sister June Carpenter, Brother Arnold Hadd, and Sister Frances Carr.”

    That’s down pretty low so if anyone is willing — convert so that the Shakers may live on. I will — but you first.

  11. HFM says

    Well, if a good unmarried Christian boy has been rigorous in avoiding self-abuse, it’s entirely possible that the hawt elevator secks would be over in 30 seconds…*ducks*

    Also…wait, “Love In An Elevator” isn’t about hawt secks? Does my dirty mind deceive me?

  12. smrnda says

    Something I wonder is how young people raised in such an environment, where free socialization between boys and girls are likely to be policed and inhibited and dominated by rules, are male-female relationships supposed to ever end up being anything except some sort of performative ritual that you engage in for in-group status once you reach the appropriate age? Or perhaps with that last bit I answered my own question.

    I can say that sometimes, at night, if I’m going to get on an elevator I might feel a bit uncomfortable if say, five relatively rowdy guys got on it at the same time as me, and I don’t think that’s extreme paranoia on my part. At the same time, segregating the elevators at this event is going to do nothing for actually fixing real problems that girls and women encounter in public spaces.

    If I could say something, it would be that ‘this is not what respect for women actually looks like.’ Respect does not mean pretending that I cannot lift a box or that I will die if I happen to touch a door-knob. Respect means I have a right to think and determine for myself what respect entails.

  13. Chris says

    I’m surprised you don’t get it… This is not a real sign, just Christians trolling on Atheists about elevatorgate. I find it quite funny actually.

  14. says

    Well, if there were any indication these folks even know about Elevatorgate, I suppose that’s a funny possibility. A less obscure and more direct way of trolling would be to just post a sign saying “No making passes in the elevators!”

  15. Jeff says

    You’re taking this all out of context! Let me clear it up for you. The elevators contain hidden cameras used for the production of the next “Christian Girls Gone Wild” videos, and the escalators lead straight to a Catholic priest.

  16. lordshipmayhem says

    Considering that the vast majority of modern elevators in hotels, office towers and shopping malls contain these things called “security cameras”, the only couples interested in coupling on the elevator are exhibitionists.

    Apparently Christian kids are exhibitionists (or their elders fear them to be so), and doff duds and do the deed whenever they’re out of reach – but still in public.

    Seeing as I’ve yet to observe anyone doing such a thing in a hotel lobby, I have to conclude either there are few Christian kids, or their elders have very dirty minds.

  17. says

    I think they also don’t want boys peeking up girls skirts on the escalator and yes I watch lots of Japanese anime why do you ask? ;-)

  18. Sean Conn says

    You know, after reading several of your articles I’ve come to a conclusion. I joined this site to find information about atheism as well as being able to have a laugh at religious fanatics. What I ended up finding was someone who had a political ax to grind.

    I am not making any assumptions that you are trying to win over Christians to atheism, but I would like to think that a person who claims to use logic would refrain from mindlessly attacking a political group with a religiously fanatical zeal. How is your own views on politics a reflection of what goes on with a sign posted at a church?

    Why do you equate atheism with anti-republicanism? You do not help your own cause by attacking a political group. Why do you have to make this political at all? Why can’t this be about the errors of religious thinking or the errors of being religious?

    Not all atheist are liberals, not all liberals are atheist. Yet, based off of what appears to be a very narrow view of yours, I would assume you believe otherwise.

    While I am sure you could care less about anything I just said, it is sad to see someone who can act enlightened from the burdens of religion be shackled to their own belief in their own politics trying to force it or write it in a bad light on others.

    To me, in my own eyes, you are blindly trying to force your view on others. That calls to mind to me a group of individuals you don’t like. Strange how you fall right into the patterns you belittle.

  19. says

    Agree with Sean on religion: Funny!

    Disagree with Sean on politics: “You are blindly trying to force your view on others! You fall right into the patterns you belittle!”

    Damn. And I just bought this irony meter, too!

    I don’t know where you’re from, Sean, but in the US, we live in a country full of heavily politicized religion. Pretending the relationship doesn’t exist is flat stupid. While I’m somewhat amused by the irony in accusing me of being like a religious zealot — when in my experience religious zealots tend to be the ones quick to accuse anyone who expresses an opinion they don’t like of trying to “force your views” on them (there is a word for that, actually) — the facts are:
    1) We talk about religion, politics, and anything we please here.
    2) While I and many of the other hosts here have left-leaning views, we don’t assume that all atheists have them exclusively (which you’d know if you were more familiar with the 15-year history of our organization and our show), mainly because we all know plenty of atheists with right-leaning views, most of whom are smarter and less self-righteously whiny than you.
    And 3) if you don’t like what you see here, don’t let the door hit that broom handle in your ass on the way out.

  20. Jeff says

    Perhaps, just perhaps, most atheists don’t like Republicans because their leaders are constantly competing to see who has the best “relationship” with gods, one of their former presidents said that atheists should not be considered citizens, and Fox News constantly treats atheists as less-than-human. Could that be it?

    You want politics left out of an atheist blog? Then tell the Republican leadership and their supporters to shut the hell up about religion and stop trying to legislate religion! And good luck with that, by the way.

  21. Sean Conn says

    Whiny? Who is the one who wants to bitch and moan every chance he gets about politics? Seems to be you. I am sorry that being rational upsets you so much, but you don’t have to be such a little girl about it.

    Me hitting the nail on the head shouldn’t offend you. As for forcing my views, and you trying to turn the table, it would still appear to me that you are the only one doing that. As the saying goes, if the shoe fits wear it.

    As for insulting my intelligence, well a person who does that speaks for themselves, and as for your 15 year history blah blah blah, I could care less. I am addressing you, not the organization you represent.

    You are apparently as self-righteous as the religious nuts. What moron gave you a platform?

    Yes, religion and politics do go hand and hand. But you are speaking from your own bias when you make statements like you made above. Which from what I read, made no association to politics except your own personal views. You made an assumption about the views of those you tried to belittle. As holy as you may assume your statements are, why don’t you stick to the facts?

    I hate having to read an otherwise semi-intelligent article painted by the views of a “whiny” little anti-republican. Take YOUR politics and shove them you know where. If you want to write an article, have a little tact, and try to show a little more intelligence, assuming you can.

  22. Sean Conn says

    I’m sorry, what religion does Obama say he is? This site is about atheist. I guess I didn’t get the side memo that stated I had to be part of a political party to read articles here, but apparently I do. Even if what you say is justified, perhaps it doesn’t have to come out in any article that isn’t even related to politics. You want to talk about politics, save it for the politic related post. Anything else is just pandering and preaching.

  23. says

    Are you still here? Why is the basic concept of “If you don’t like the blog, leave” difficult?

    Yes, religion and politics do go hand and hand. But you are speaking from your own bias when you make statements like you made above.

    Congratulations, Einstein. You’ve discovered blogs. They tend to be written by people expressing their own views and biases.

    Me hitting the nail on the head shouldn’t offend you. As for forcing my views, and you trying to turn the table, it would still appear to me that you are the only one doing that. As the saying goes, if the shoe fits wear it.

    Whoops, looks like I’m dealing with poor reading comprehension too. Okay, let me repeat: I didn’t accuse you of trying to force your views on me. What I said was this: You seem to think I act like a religious zealot. And yet you equate someone merely expressing an opinion that differs from your own with them “forcing their views” on you. Which is an equation religious zealots make, and rational people don’t make. Which is where I pointed out you were projecting. Because that’s what you were doing, you see.

    What moron gave you a platform?

    That would be Freethought Blogs, actually, as you can clearly see in the masthead. You see, among freethinkers, the notion that people have a diversity of viewpoints is understood. We are opinionated people, and we aren’t given to toning it down for the sake of the shrinking violets in the room. Arguments happen when views differ, but those are encouraged, because they often involve an intelligent and enlightened exchange of ideas. This is rather different from what you’re doing, which is not much more than how Bill O’Reilly just yells “SHUT UP!” at people when their views differ, and they won’t just surrender to his. You’re reminding me of a meme that’s making the rounds.

    And if you were trying to change my mind about what total dickheads Republicans are, you failed gloriously at that by trying to insult me by calling me a girl. Which doesn’t bother me in the least, but reveals that because you think “girl” is an insult at all, it looks like we can add misogyny to your extensive list of character flaws. You’re actually someone who fits in perfectly well with the right. You’re the whole package: angry, entitled, reactionary and sexist, all rolled into one big ball. The right’s welcome to you. Really. In closing, I can only say how utterly delighted I am that I’ve pissed you off to the degree I have, and only regret that I didn’t show you even less “tact” than I have so far. If there’s anything else I can do to ruin your night, just say so. Mine’s going pretty well. :-)

  24. HK says

    Sheesh, if I was a young Christian girl in this situation I would take the escalators instead.

  25. Jeff says

    I don’t give a damn what Obama is (highly likely he’s an atheist anyway). I am neither Republican, Democrat, nor even American. But I do recognise a jerk on a blog (you, Sean) when I see one. Keep it up, Martin!

  26. Jeff says

    Sean, I also love how you came back from my (justified) attacks on the Republican party with a bash of Obama. Like you’re implying that if I don’t like Republicans, I must then like Democrats, correct? You must be American, because you’ve come to think there are only 2 kinds of political thinking, “conservative” and “liberal”, and you respond to attacks on one with an attack on the other. This is a terribly false dichotomy. I come from a country that actually has more than 2 parties, and many styles of political thought.

    “I guess I didn’t get the side memo that stated I had to be part of a political party to read articles here, but apparently I do.”

    Ridiculous comment, as expected. I am a member of no political party and have no problem with Martin’s post.

  27. DataCable says

    Girls in close proximity with other girls in a confined space.

    mond, you’ve just given me the perfect reason to fully support this gender segregation policy.

  28. mond says

    You cannot hive off politics as a separate subject which should only be discussed in its own narrow niche.

    Politics affect every aspect of life (and sometimes death).

    I agree with Jeff. Criticism of a party does not imply support of another party. Look at it as sporting terms. If I am not a fan of one sports team, it does not give an indication about which team I actually support, if any.

  29. Sean Conn says

    I’m not sure which is funnier: your post or the fact that you think you have offended me. Still, you got a laugh for both.

    It’s funny. As I take the time to reread what was said I can’t help but noticing you verbally attacking me first. I guess you don’t like your views questioned. Who was offended again?

    My point, which was stated, and which has never been answered was why you choose to make everything about politics?

    You want to bitch about republicans, by all means go right ahead, but don’t expect me to not call you on making a connection between a sign and

    “Folks, if you’ve just been utterly baffled as to what’s brought on the recent right-wing onslaught of anti-abortion, anti-birth-control, anti-marriage-equality, anti-anything you might like to do in the privacy of your own bedroom that might squick a Christian out legislation, this is it.”

    I guess you read more into the sign than I did.

    I could care less if you talk about politics. Perhaps you should try to at least keep it relevant. But, apparently since you are so quick to judge:

    “You’re the whole package: angry, entitled, reactionary and sexist, all rolled into one big ball.”

    I can make a few assumptions of my own, and as obvious as this post is to irrelevance and blatant blind assumptions, I can feel completely justified in saying anything I want without any shred of concerning evidence (because who really cares about truth here? Not you. I mean I can connect the dots any way I want right?) Your rules….

    So, I guess you enjoy ripping fetus’ out of mothers and sacrificing Christians in their bloody remains. So that you could rain down a plague on our soldiers so that their guns won’t fire… which will of course allow them to be slaughtered by the enemies. All so that you can steal money from any one that makes more then you and give it to all the poor illegal aliens trying to find work.

    I mean that is what liberals do right? No that’s right they are elitist who think they have an answer to everything, love to label others into their own little preconceived notions, and smugly sit there righteously while they are the ones guilty of what they claim they are far too holy to be a part of.

    In closing, I suppose you are going to think I am offended, I mentioned killing babies and mothers. There is that hateful misogynistic republican rearing his ugly head. Why didn’t I say the mother was black again? Could have helped me be a bigot.

    I guess avoidance and insulting is the way you do things, but you might want to try a little bit more. Or at least try to live up to that intellectual elitism I am sure you believe you are.

    Once again sorry I offended you. Don’t go home and cry like what…? A little boy. I don’t want to give you invisible ammo to use in your invisible gun so you can proclaim “Ha I got him good.”

  30. Sean Conn says

    Wow, rubbed you the wrong way. I never assumed you were one or the other. You made that assumption for me. I wasn’t “bashing” Obama, but I guess since the more I stay on this blog the further I go into the magical mystical world of make-believe.

    From reading everything it appears I have struck a chord with you people. I don’t care what political party you belong to, I don’t care if you assume (so far you are good at that) that Martin is “getting me” not that I feel his words were either witty or relevant, but a fool leads the foolish.

    My only statement was that he turns everything political. Did you read anywhere on the sign that designated political affiliation? Oh that’s right, we are still in make-believe land.

    Are politics and religion mutual? Yes, to a degree, not as much as Martin likes to claim, but yes. Does politics have ANYTHING to do with this post? Not a damn bit.

    By the way, if you want to try to survive off of Martins scraps, you might be left a bit wanting. Try to form your own opinion.

  31. Sean Conn says

    I agree. Politics should be discussed in a very broad range of issues. That doesn’t mean that you have to paint every single article politically.

    I don’t see any relevance between the sign and Mr. Wagner’s ranting about politics.

    From my perspective he just can’t wait to come up with another reason to tell us all how he feels about republicans, even if it is neither here or there.

  32. says

    You could care less if I talk about politics? After spending several long and tedious comments jumping my shit for talking about politics?

    This is about the time Matt would hit the “No no no, you’re done” button.

    Seriously, find a new hobby.

  33. Aquaria says

    You want to bitch about republicans, by all means go right ahead

    1) Oh how fucking big of you to tell a blog owner what to do with their own fucking blog, you fucking moronic sack of shit.

    2) Take your sexism, you cretinous sniveling sack of shit and go fuck yourself with it.

  34. Aquaria says

    Why do you equate atheism with anti-republicanism? You do not help your own cause by attacking a political group. Why do you have to make this political at all? Why can’t this be about the errors of religious thinking or the errors of being religious?

    Not all atheist are liberals, not all liberals are atheist. Yet, based off of what appears to be a very narrow view of yours, I would assume you believe otherwise.

    So you’re whining about non-liberal political views not being represented, but you’re not getting in a tizzy about it.

    Right.

    Are you willfully clueless, or does it come to you naturally?

    I’m sorry, what religion does Obama say he is?

    What the fuck does Obama have to do with any of this?

    You’re the one bringing him up for no good reason. Don’t want people going off on you for it, then DON’T BRING HIM UP.

    This site is about atheist.

    It’s about whatever the blog owners want it to be about.

    Try to fucking keep up, if you’re not too stupid for it.

    I guess I didn’t get the side memo that stated I had to be part of a political party to read articles here, but apparently I do.

    Are you done kicking that straw?

    You can read articles here. But if you make stupid sniveling comments about other people’s political views, rather than addressing issues, you’re going to get told to go fuck yourself, because that’s not adding to the conversation.

    Try to fucking keep up with that, too.

    Even if what you say is justified

    It is.

    perhaps it doesn’t have to come out in any article that isn’t even related to politics.

    Everything is political. I’m sorry you’ve been raised in a barn and don’t know that, but there it is. Everything is political because people care about everything.

    Try to keep up with that, too.

    You want to talk about politics, save it for the politic related post.

    You want to whine about what a blog owner decides to talk about on his own blog, then save it for a) your own fucking blog, b) your mama’s tit. Or go fuck yourself, you sniveling moron wanker.

    And welcome to the internet.

    Anything else is just pandering and preaching.

    Says the pandering, preaching sniveling moron.

    You’ve just done the equivalent of going into someone else’s house and telling them how they can behave in it, when they’re not bothering anyone.

    Now run along back to your mother’s basement. I’m sure you have a fainting couch with lots of pillows to snivel into, you whining sack of dog shit.

  35. Aquaria says

    No, you don’t agree, you sniveling lying fraud, else why would you complain about it?

    Don’t like it? Then start your own blog, or fuck off rather than annoying us with your fuckfaced sniveling.

  36. Alan B d says

    But I would put it a bit differently

    Elevatorgate wasn’t about the elevator, it was about the advance that some considered inappropriate.

    After all, it was about a guy who took one last grasping chance to get to know a girl a little better before she possibly disapeared from his life forever.

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