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Apr 01 2010

God says pedophila ok

Dateline: April 1, 2010 – The Vatican. Pope Benedict XVI issued a decree today saying that pedophilia is not a sin. According to the decree, the Roman Catholic Church no longer bears any responsibility for the ongoing child molestation scandal that has rocked the Church in the United States, Ireland, and several other countries for several decades. The decree was issued Ex Cathedra, which according to Roman Catholic Church dogma, is the result of divine intervention and protected from the possibility of error by God Himself.

Ex Cathedra decrees are rare, but this particular one may have been unique. The Pope himself is alleged to have shared the details of his conversation with God with his most trusted cardinals. A Vatican insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity explained what happened. “The Pope was in his cell praying and begging repentance for his role in the ongoing scandal for the ten thousandth time. Then he came out saying, ‘God doesn’t give a shit’.” The Pope was reportedly shaken but overjoyed by the unusual revelation.

Vatican accountant Father Guido Cartamoneta expressed relief over the momentous pronouncement. “It’s a great day for the Catholic Church. This resolves all of these issues that have been hanging over our head for so long. It’s just in time for the Easter donation season!”

Former Cardinal Bernard Law of the Boston Diocese also expressed his pleasure over the announcement. “I feel vindicated for my role in moving priests between posts. Maybe now life will return to normal and can get back to the business of filling our youth with the Holy Spirt.”

21 comments

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  1. 1
    Dave from canada

    You know i think it says everything you need to knwo about this pope that for a good five seconds, you got me with that one.

  2. 2
    Claudio

    If only the "dateline" read any other day besides 4/01.

  3. 3
    godlessguitarmaestro078

    How convenient! God doesnt really care after all lolOne really does have to admire the Vatican for its absolute reckless disregard for its own dignity. After all, you gotta try REAL HARD to be this fucked up. They seem to have mastered the art of being full of shit.

  4. 4
    minus

    Whew! I'm so glad we finally got that over with. No harm, no foul, right? Hopefully, we can move on to other things. Now about those indulgences…

  5. 5
    Sparrowhawk

    Shit, they might as well release this decree if you ask me.

  6. 6
    Godlessons

    You forgot to mention that they also announced that Homosexuality is no longer a sin. Pope Announces Homosexuality is Okay

  7. 7
    Dorkman

    You know i think it says everything you need to knwo about this pope that for a good five seconds, you got me with that one.It took me quite a bit longer than that. Seems horribly plausible.

  8. 8
    Christ VS Potter

    Chris Hanson: I'm Chris Hansen from dateline, wanna have a seat?Yahweh: wa… ah shit.

  9. 9
    Lurker

    It doesn't count as an April Fool's Day prank if the content is entirely plausible.

  10. 10
    Mythnam

    Sometimes I think it would almost be worth it to join the clergy, work my way up the ranks, and eventually become Pope just so I could give a bunch of infallible proclamations contrary to two thousand years of Catholic dogma.Now that would be an epic prank. Shame about that whole celibacy thing, though. Don't think I could keep that up for 80 years.

  11. 11
    Derek

    Please tell me this is an April Fool's joke….

  12. 12
    Gryphin

    Man, I totally blanked on it being Apr 1st, and just about went full batsh!t crazy on the catholic church.

  13. 13
    Strangelove

    Since the catholic church will never give up celibacy, they should be consequent and go all the way: castration on ordination. It would show their skydaddy that they really mean business and it does away with that dirty sex drive that makes you molest little children when you have nowhere else to to turn to.

  14. 14
    madam lash

    Don you're a real gem :)what a hoot!!!

  15. 15
    Guillaume

    You fooled me for a second. But even the pope could not be THAT stupid.

  16. 16
    Murphy

    i know this is an april fools jest, but its really not that far from the mark when you consider bill donohue's latest diatribe on larry king.

  17. 17
    Jennifer Juniper

    Christ VS Potter – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Thank you. Blogger Mythnam said…"Now that would be an epic prank. Shame about that whole celibacy thing, though. Don't think I could keep that up for 80 years."If only you liked little boys! You wouldn't HAVE to! ;-)

  18. 18
    UncleRobertBlogsDotCom

    People Have To Stop Going Easy On Religious Figures. Nobody Is Above The Law!

  19. 19
    Ing

    Sadly the pope prank would not work. The pope is only infallible as long as he agrees with Catholic tradition.I'm not making that up, that's from Catholics teaching me Catholicism at a catholic school.

  20. 20
    Alex

    Satire?

  21. 21
    u

    fuck that shit. it is a sin. it always will be. MOTHAH FUCKAH PEDOPHILES A SICK GODLESS BITCH FURCKS. THAT'S RIGHT, NOT FUCK, FURCK, THAT'S HOW FUCKING SERIOUS I AM.

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