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Jul 22 2009

Contest! Can you write like “allexus8″?

In celebration of the impending conviction of cult leader Tony Alamo on child-sex charges, I thought we’d host a little contest. I have no idea what the winner will get yet. Maybe I’ll think of something eventually, and I’m open to suggestions. “Your own child bride” is not an option, no.

I’m inspired by the remarkable writings of one of Tony Alamo’s followers, allexus8, who has turned up in the comments of the previous Alamo post to harangue us all in a manner that can only be compared to avant-garde, stream of consciousness (or semi-consciousness) free verse. Truly, it’s got to be read to be believed. Check the following exerpt, and see if you don’t agree that a unique and very special poetic voice is in our midst. Behold:

THE SECOND DEATH YOU LYING DOGS PIGS YOU CAN OINK OINK OINK ALL DAY ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DO NOT KNOW ABOUT, OH YES TONY IS GOING UP TO THE BEAUTIFUL PLACE GOD GOT FOR THOSE THAT LOVE HIM. IN THE GOLDEN CITY WHERE GOD IS THE LIGHT.ALL THE LIES YOU TELLING ON TONY ALAMO IS ALL LIES TO SET HIM UP BECAUSE HE EXPOSE YOUR STINK ALL LYING MONSTROUS CULT YOU GONE STAY ATHEIST DEVIL YOU ALL ARE CHILD

Is that great, or is that, as Tony the Tiger might say, grrrrreat? Seriously, it’s like — oh, I dunno — e.e. cummings and Bukowski had a child or something, except they made damn sure it was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. I bet allexus8 simply kills at open-mic slams.

My challenge to you, dear AXP readers, is to see if you can match allexus8′s literary gifts! Can you convey such emotion, such pathos, such an electrifying summation of the ennui of existence and the precarious, existential angst inherent in the human condition? Can you even come close to sounding so totally Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? I know you’re a gifted bunch out there. Bring it! We’ll all work out whose entry we like the best later on.

(Yes, allexus8 can enter, too.)


For the record, if allexus8 is a Poe, he/she/it is the best one I’ve encountered so far. And if allexus8 is a genuine wackaloon, he/she/it is the best one I’ve encountered so far.

29 comments

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  1. 1
    Cody Casterline

    This totally made me think of a post I read on The Daily WTF: http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/Classic-WTF-No-Quack.aspxIn short, someone uses a neural net to generate poetry. And it's just about that coherent. :p

  2. 2
    nullifidian

    The Germans are the worst on my way up north on the train for a little amphetamine-fuelled R&R with no old-school network more than young men.My first marriage ended because Modern Review London can't even create the thing it was synonymous with solely to create jobs for a bunch of finger-wagging no-marks.Where I live, in the newly created city of Brighton and Hove, girlfriend the days when I could change Kim Philby's mind . I will, of course, welcome the attention.As the bright child of two factory workers, moi a great writer from working twice as hard as I otherwise might have but a lot more fun.Or, just in case it's easier to read for the fundies:THE GERMANS ARE THE WORST ON MY WAY UP NORTH ON THE TRAIN FOR A LITTLE AMPHETAMINE-FUELLED R&R WITH NO OLD-SCHOOL NETWORK MORE THAN YOUNG MEN.MY FIRST MARRIAGE ENDED BECAUSE MODERN REVIEW LONDON CAN'T EVEN CREATE THE THING IT WAS SYNONYMOUS WITH SOLELY TO CREATE JOBS FOR A BUNCH OF FINGER-WAGGING NO-MARKS.WHERE I LIVE, IN THE NEWLY CREATED CITY OF BRIGHTON AND HOVE, GIRLFRIEND THE DAYS WHEN I COULD CHANGE KIM PHILBY'S MIND . I WILL, OF COURSE, WELCOME THE ATTENTION.AS THE BRIGHT CHILD OF TWO FACTORY WORKERS, MOI A GREAT WRITER FROM WORKING TWICE AS HARD AS I OTHERWISE MIGHT HAVE BUT A LOT MORE FUN.Actually, that's not my own work: you should credit Julie Burchill and her godawful-brain-like-device as the recipient of the prize.She doesn't deserve a prize, even if she wins.In fact, especially if she wins.

  3. 3
    ChaosSong

    POE practice is it?I cannot, even in jest, bring myself to write in the defense of the odious Tony Alamo. So please enjoy the following generic POE'd flame:YOU GODLESS BOAR WOLVES DARE DENY THE AWESOME MIGHTY POWER OF ODIN, KING OF GODS?!?!111 YOU COWARDLY FIEND OF LOKI CHOP CHOP CHOP AT THE ROOTS OF YGGDRASIL BUT NEVER BE TAKEN OF THE VALKYRIES TO VALHALLA AND FEAST ON THE ODIN BANQUET. YOU SUFFER FOREVER IN THE PITS OF NIFLHEL ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE FESTERED IN THE BOWEL OF NIGHOGG AND BEEN RIPPED BY THE TEETH OF JORMUNGANDR!well, I'm glad I got that off my chest ;-)

  4. 4
    nullifidian

    ChaosSong is obviously a POE. The ability to spell is a dead giveaway.I stand by mine, even though they're not my own words.Actually, they are my own words. Really. Honest, guv'nor.Can I have a prize now?

  5. 5
    ChaosSong

    nullifidian: Damn, is my Lit Degree showing? I'll have to work on that.I had not encountered Julie Birchill before reading your post, so I'm kind of playing catch-up on the humor of it. She seems to me like a smarter, British, communist version of Sarah Palin – if that makes any sense.Also, maybe the contest should run for more than four hours before declaring a winner? hmmm?

  6. 6
    Ithonicfury

    Because they had three of them, and when light shone down on the city you could see that everything is being directed all by the hands of an unseen force and the people are all going along with it. David Arquette made the trip by himself, although the whole Arquette family which follows back through to the tribe of jacob were helping him, but mostly its David Arquette who wanted it.Ive faxed the senators and the doctors to give them the proof and they stop my findings and the cures because they are slaves to the devil and David Arquette who makes all the crack in the world to spread to the children through the water and want to take all the harpo jarvies in the world that could stop him.Kansas is going to blow up, and the children are being used for sex by the white men who are spending millions from David Arquette because he has the burning and is spreading it to them. Im not trying to scare your children but they are using the yearbooks from scholastic photography, they are sick and are going to tether them to their ways and use the god of abraham to tether them to this space so they cant escape.

  7. 7
    nullifidian

    @ChaosSongNo, but the fact that you have more than a passing (i.e. passive (i.e. non-existent)) acquaintance with a dictionary is. ;-)I'm surprised at your expectation that I should wait for gratification. Isn't it the norm that wishes are fulfilled immediately (and by "immediately" I of course mean "never")?;-)Actually, at this point I'm going to have to re-throw the prize to Ithonicfury. Unless someone copy-pastas Ray Comfort or David Mabus in the next 48 seconds.

  8. 8
    nullifidian

    P.S. Burchill is one of those British right-wing journalists. i.e. completely batshit-insane by British standards, but not quite as batshit-insane as the U.S. equivalent (q.v. Sean Hannity).Thankfully not a political heavyweight (or lightweight, for that matter).Aren't you glad you asked? ;-)

  9. 9
    ChaosSong

    I must say that I really enjoyed Ithonicfury's entry. He's definitely got the non-sequitors and the global conspiracy elements down cold. Remember how lexy8 (as I've decided to refer to the poster) claimed that the "media" was all banded together to destroy some backwoods preacher for no apparent reason?I'm not sure if he really captured the anger of lexy8 though – it reads more like someone patiently explaining their wacky position.

  10. 10
    Ithonicfury

    Ya, I haven't QUITE gotten the hang of RANDOM "CAPS" or scare quotes!!I blame the liberal JEW RUN MEDIA! for forcing me to go to a public government school and learning some of that "grammar" that the illuminati use to unify the languages of earth that were rent ASUNDER at the tower OF babel to try and ….. something….REPTOIDS!!!!111oneoneone…ran out of think juice.

  11. 11
    ChaosSong

    @ nullifidianStrange, but I find it oddly comforting that nutball journalists are not an exclusively American phenomenon.@ IthonicfuryLOL @ "REPTOIDS!!!"

  12. 12
    Ithonicfury

    Oh, and before you think I have any amount of creativity, or even one brain cell to rub against another, my post was mostly stolen from the actual ravings of a woman who is, I believe the technical term is, pants crapping insane.http://buttfudgesundae.com/22839.php (page features actual voicemails left at an unnamed political organization, and links to navigate her answer to the timecube website)

  13. 13
    ChaosSong

    Well, if we're all being honest here, I used the index of my Norse mythology book to keep the pantheon consistent and my entry largely echoes the sample that was posted up top…I did however spend two creativity points in the crafting of my post and will have to earn them back by getting new ideas from somewhere…(notices link to crazy rants posted online)Okay, maybe tomorrow I'll look at that – I think I've had enough crazy for one night, hehe.

  14. 14
    Ing

    I think I'll actually have to drink to get to the state where I can abandon all internal continuity like I've seen with some theist apologist ranters. If I wind up dead like Edgar Allen Poe in an Alley it's on your hands. damn mexician pig leizard fucks. just the thought of it makes me feel for my life! I could wind up dead on a wall plastered there by thumb tacks like the lion in the bedroom! logic is necessary for thougth damn it! when will you stop and realize your actions have conseqsuences. you reach a wide audience and influence them with your thouths and radio waves \. your memetics spread like ebola in a stream of monkey diahrea. people need to thinhk clearly or else they don't and go insane. the ma are not happy they can't swtich the reason back on like a light. trying to think like a non=person is a slippery slope down the ribbit hole of doom trying to be insane will makey ou insane you can't go back once you're there. it's a bed post you can't unlatch the gel stimgma will cling to your SOUL forever. encouraging people to do just this is disgraceful, you are spereading madness and poor mental health. you're just as bad as those religions you criticize~!~!~!~!!!!!!11!1!11 Cept you do it in jo,ke. WEll laugh up. Thousands will die now lining the street hand in hand like paper cut out dools….only they'll be made of bloody meant AND REAL. So many bodies lining the gutters so many jumped off the buildings so many in the padded Nerf foam rooms and shooting up the gas stations. Can you sleep at night? You're a sone mane crime spree. Their deaths and minds are on y our hands. SHAME ON YOU. Shame on the minds you destroy and hearts you break and blood you spill. I hope you get hit by an ice cream truck! Sincerly Your'sIng(word verification: Psycis)

  15. 15
    Sparrowhawk

    I don't think I want to take a crack at emulating that, but it did remind me of this character from the book Perdido Street Station.

  16. 16
    a Nadder

    WHORE OF BABYLON YOU'RE BLASPHEMIES AGAINST TONI ALAMO WILL NOT STAND YOU SYCHOPATHK PERVERTS GOD HAS BLINDED YOU'RE HEART TO CONDEMN YOU TO THE ETERNAL!!! PAINFUL!!!!!! SUFFERING OF TORMENTS IN THE LAKE OF ETERNAL!!! DAMNATION AS THE LORD SAVIOR SAID YOUR SINS WILL BE REPAYD A 10,00FOLD YOU TELL LIES ABOUT TRUE XTIANS YOU'RE MOUTH WILL BE FILLED WITH MAGGOTS YOU SUPPORT THE PERVERSIONS OF BEASTEALITY! HOMOSEXUALITY! CHILD MURDER! YOU'RE ASS WILL BE ETERNALLY PRODDED AND DILATED ATHIESTS CLAIM EVOLUTION MENAS THE RACES ARE EQUAL WHY DO YOU THINK CIVILIZATION IS SUFFERING FROM THE TAINT! OF OUR ENFORCED INTERBREEDING WITH PIGS THE GOVERNMENTS LARGEST PROJECT IS THE PRESERVATION OF PIG SEED FOR INJECTION INTO THE UNWILLING PUBLIC AND CURTAILMENT OF CIVIL LIBERTIES WITH YOU'RE HELP!!Too much? That was cathartic

  17. 17
    Sparrowhawk

    @Frikle*starts the slow, dramatic movie clapping that gradually builds into applause*Well done.

  18. 18
    Niko

    ????? ??!!! ?? ??? ????? ???!! ?? ???? ???? ??? ??????? ??? ??????? ? ???????? ???? ??? ????? ??????? ? ?? ? ?????!!!!!!! ??? ??????? ? ? ???????? ?? ?? ??????????-??????!!!I think that was about the gist of it.NIKOhttp://kingofdeprecation.blogspot.com

  19. 19
    Guillaume

    I remember a spoof website condemning Dungeons & Dragons as Satanist (among other things) which used the same kind of crazy, pointless abuses. That was pretty hilarious, but at least it was a parody. Still, some fundies sent them thanks for spreading the word.

  20. 20
    gamer-geek

    Still just reminds me of the Dr Bronner's magic soap "ALL-ONE-GOD" rants that cover the bottle. I think that was also all caps – starting a trend!

  21. 21
    Thomas

    Was anyone else thinking of this?

  22. 22
    Thomas

    @ FrikleI loved the 10,00 part. But the XTIANS part could have been changed to something more like "GODS TRUE CHRISTIANS WHO LOVE CHRIST AND FOLLOW THE COMMANDMENTS!!!".In high school I once offended someone by writing them an "X-Mas" card. Apparently, you do not take "Christ" out of anything.

  23. 23
    ChaosSong

    @ Thomasthanks for the link to babby! made my day!

  24. 24
    stronger now

    I, as a half loon myself, shall accept your challenge. I submit, for your viewing pleasure, excerpts from a rambling train wreck of thought I put down on paper last night at three in the morning:These are (Oh shit I almost fucked up the whole thing)THESE ARE THE RAMBLING LUNACIES OF ONE WHO AS HAD ABOOUT ALL HE CAN TAKE!!! I HAVE BEGUN TO SEE THE LITTLE BLACK MICE AT THE CORNERS OF MY VISION! I LAUGH AT THE IRONY OF IT! OF WHAT? I CAN'T REMEMBER. THE MACHINE SITS WAITING FOR ME! IT GOES AND I START WRITING AGAIN!!! SHOULD SHE KNOW HOW I WAKE DURING THE DAY TO THE CREAK OF A STAIR OR A DOG BARKING?!?! No venom directed outwardly which is a requirement I suppose but still, a good honest try, I think.

  25. 25
    Matthew C. Pickard

    Fun! Here's my attempt – but I'll try a different idiom.atheists don't understand cause they hate god in their rejection god was right in decieveing you into know beleif. fools. like swine pearl necklaces to swine i can't wait to tea bag party this weekend! liberals! its why athiest hate life so its a good that christians kill atheist doctor killer makers! its not murder if you kill babay killer atheist like that tillerkillertiller sexecutioner hiding at his hatetheist church. liberal killers killing god with and his baby plan to multiply the earth. you deserve hell. thank god is loving and just. evilionists demoncraps, america is a christian nation. we let you live hear. you should respect god more and be christian and free. the majority says its so truthful. :) //m

  26. 26
    Jeremy

    Okay, here we go:FILTHY WORM BABYIES YOU BOW BEFORE THE EIGHTEEN BOWEL MOVEMENT, OH MY THE GNOMES.WHERE ARE THE FRETOS, MY GODEN SAMOANS IN TEHRE LITTLE BLU DRESSES.WHERE WIL YOU JUMPWHEN THERE ARE NO FORKS TO SAVE YOU NOW. HOW YOU ORGANS LYE ABOUT YESTERDAY AND CARRY YOU LUNCHBOXES. BUCKLE MY SHOE.BUCKLE MY SHOE SHINE SHOE BANG BANG, ALL YOU BASES ARE BELONG TO US.

  27. 27
    Snuvs

    I see that Alexxus had posted on another news story about Tony Alamo's trial.http://www.austinnews.net/story/522606Here was the comment:ALL LIAR ANDFALSE WITNESS WILL BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE!!!!!!!WHY YOU DEVILS HATE TONY ALAMO SO MUCH YOU ARE PERSECUTING HIM LYING THUR YOUR TEETH JUST BECAUSE HE EXPOSE THE ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT STINK, YOU HATER OF CHRIST JESUS, HATE GOD, GOD WORD, GOD PEOPLE WITH HIS SEAL ON THEIR FOREHEAD,YOU GOT THE EVIL MARK OF SATAN, I HAVE NOT HEARD HONESTLY TONY ALAMO IS NOT SAYING ANYTHING THE ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT MEDIA IS SAYING EVERYTHING IN HIS PLACE , THE SET UP BECAUSE HE PREACHES THE WORD OF GOD FROM THE ORIGINAL KING JAMES VERSION, THAT GIVE EVERY ONE ETERNAL LIFE THAT KEEP THE COMMANDMENT OF GOD BUT THOSE THAT TRY TO CRUCIFIED HIS SAINTS WILL BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE FOREVER AND EVER. JESUS CHRIST WILL COVER TONY ALAMO WITH HIS PRECIOUS BLOOD. WE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE!!!!

  28. 28
    felix

    I think "STAY ATHEIST DEVIL YOU ALL ARE CHILD" is meme material. It's the ultimate put-down, to be used when appropriate and when not, without consideration.I am 12 and what is thisAll your base are belong to usyeah, fits in well

  29. 29
    Jeremy

    felix:The phrase "All your base are belong to us" comes from the relatively early days of home video games. They were mostly made in Japan originally and, if they contained dialogue text, required translation when imported to the United States. Since many were fairly low- budget at that time the translations were sometimes pretty literal with some hilarious results, such as the one above.

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