Matthew Murray, the poor messed up kid who shot up his church in Colorado back in December, had a lot wrong with him. Beyond his ADHD, there were overwhelming feelings of rejection, and not belonging. With his brain chemistry so badly screwed up (he was taking medication, but it’s impossible to tell if he was on it at the time of his rampage), it’s hard to say what could have prevented him from doing what he did.
God didn’t, of course, but that’s because there isn’t one, so you can’t exactly be bitter about that. But not only didn’t Christianity provide the path to peace and healing Murray needed, but it may well have exacerbated his situation. An angry letter from Matthew written to God has come to light. In it, Matthew rails against the hypocrisy he sees all around him in the Christian community.
“The more I read your stupid book, the more I pray, the more I reach out to Christians for help the more hurt and abused I get,” he wrote.
“I’ve heard good things about what Jesus can do, yet everywhere I go in Christianity, all the Christians I see or meet are miserable, angry, selfish, hypocritical, proud, power hungry, abusive, uncaring, confused, lustful, greedy, unsure of their doctrine and mean-spirited … Am I too lost to be saved? My soul cries for deliverance. I’m dieing (sp), praying, bleeding and screaming. Will I be denied???”
This stuff is just heartbreaking. And revealing in the way so much of his anger and bitterness is directed at the religious beliefs in which he’d been raised, setting an ideal for which he never believed he was good enough, while all around him, he saw people who had been accepted, loved and successful within the church (like Ted Haggard, whose sex scandal was especially appalling to him), revealed as hypocrites and liars.
I’m sure his family tried to help as his mental chaos overtook him, but his suffering was beyond them. It would have been so nice if there really was a God for guys like Matthew, who could hear a guy like Matthew’s pleas and reach down from whatever otherworldly, higher realm it lives in and simply, magically take the pain away. But that God’s just not there, for him, his victims, you, me or anyone. We’re the ones who have to look after and care for one another. You don’t heal the problems of someone like Matthew Murray by filling his head with ideas about heaven and hell and being a horrible sinner who must please a jealous God if he wishes to “be saved.” Build up a person’s life, help him realize that he has value and worth here and now. Because this is the only shot at life any of us gets. And it’s tragic to see anyone’s life go down in flames — especially when it takes others with it — the way Matthew’s did.