I really am beginning to wonder if, in order to be an evangelical, there’s some kind of secret, Masonic-style ritual where they haul you off into a darkened chamber and spend ten hours bashing your head in with baseball bats made out of freeze-dried stupid. Because one’s brain really needs to be in such a state in order to swallow malarkey this malarkified.
If you live in Austin, you’ll be well familiar with I-35, that dazzling display of engineering ineptitude designed to maximize wrecks and congestion at all hours of the day and night. This highway actually traverses the entire midwest, running all the way up to Duluth, MN, which ought to indicate that if there’s Somebody Up There, he really really hates us. But not to a clutch of cuckoos in Christianity’s parallel universe, who have decided, based on their reading of this Bible Rhology likes to remind us is infallible and accurate in every particular, that I-35 is some kind of “Highway of Holiness.”
The scripture they’re basing this whole little movement on is Isaiah 35:8, which reads:
And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
Exactly why do they think this passage — written centuries before any surveyor ever thought of building I-35 — prophesies the existence of our delightful freeway, which, to anyone who’s ever actually taken their lives in their hands by driving on it, is clearly populated by nothing but wicked fools? Because — and prepare to be bowled over by the breathtaking genius that is Biblical “hermeneutics” — the passage appears in Isaiah 35. Get it!? I-35! It’s so obvious!
So what this means in terms of starting up some kind of revival movement is that Christians have taken to prayer sessions in “prayer rooms” (basically harmless), as well as harassing freeway businesses they don’t like in protests they dramatically call “Purity Sieges,” such as adult video stores, family planning clinics (where nasty liberals kill babies and anoint effigies of Hillary Clinton with their blood, of course), and any business catering to gays and lesbians. They also see signs and portents in recent events, too. Read the following and remember, the gibbering madness you’re trying to wrap your brain around passes for thinking in this revivalist environment.
“I don’t usually send what the Lord is downloading to me, however this is very timely and significant I believe,” Highway of Holiness Community Coordinator Christine Pickett of Little Canada wrote to the movement’s Web site.
Pickett says that last year’s election of U.S. Rep. Keith Ellison, a Muslim, and his announcement of a trip to Israel the very same day of the collapse could be an omen. “I think the Lord may be saying that this man and his district and what he is about doing in Israel is connected. I could be wrong — however, I just have to look at the timing and the fear of the Lord comes upon me.”
“I don’t usually send what the Lord is downloading to me…” How can you not love that part? One imagines Hebbin having its own tech support department. Does God also download periodical updates so that Christians can patch their brains with his latest build of crazy? Evidently, being God in the wired generation is a stressful occupation. You gotta constantly be on guard that Steve Jobs and his gang of grinning assholes in Cupertino don’t totally broadside you with a pocket sized iGod and leave you holding onto last week’s obsolete salvation chipsets with your thumb up your ass and a dazed look on your bearded face as millions of impressionable teens backslide into Apple-y perdition! So hey, prayer warriors, don’t forget to lay “purity siege” to any Apple Store you may come across in your quixotic journey! (Only thing is, I think those are generally too upscale to be located along a freeway.)
Anyway, snark aside, one just has to read some of the testimonials at their website to really understand that we’re dealing with the mentally ill here.
My prayer journal entry was dated June 1, 2004, it was 4am and I saw the Lord walking along I-35 into downtown Dallas, Texas. He stood by the Reunion Tower and Arena next to I-35 and began callling [sic] out words of love and encouragement (in Hebrew) to His body and bride, (the Church) that was living throughout the area. He was wearing a prayer shawl (talit) with a “Star of David” over his head. He skin was like blazing bronze and His eyes were full of pure light and fire and a brilliant light eminated [sic] from his nail scarred hands and feet.
Yeah, that’s just…special, isn’t it? Nurse!
So I’ll wrap up with a fun bit of speculation: I wonder just how many of these “prayer warriors” have accounts at the adult video stores they’re picketing? I know…I’m so mean. Anyway, I think it’s too bad they won’t make it all the way down to Austin. Are we just too much of a godless liberal hellhole even for them? Or could they not find anyone down here insane enough to participate?