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Sep 22 2007

Jesus keeps suckin’ it

The flap last week over Kathy Griffin’s hilarious Emmy acceptance speech is the gift that keeps on giving, it would seem. The latest salvo is the website (damn, I wish I’d thought of this!) suckitjesus.com, where Griffin supporters can sign an online petition — not that there’s any point to those, but it’s a show of support all the same — and get a kick out of blathering, pissy Christian e-mails, like this little gem:

You are so filled with hate. You should be arrested for a hate crime. I hope one day you will see your irrational hatred and turn from your hate filled life and accept the love of Jesus Christ.

And what thoughtful, loving Christian citizen offered that delightful homily? None other than Rev. Donald Spitz of the Army of God, that cell of anti-abortion terrorist lunatics who hail executed murderer Paul Hill as an “American hero.” In the deranged world of Spitz, people who make silly jokes about Jesus and put up snarky web sites are “hate filled” people who ought to be jailed, while good Christians who blow away people in their homes with rifles are heroes. Welcome to religion. It’s such a good thing for people, isn’t it?

Leave it to the microcephalics in the fundamentalist community to miss Griffin’s point entirely. I’d think any Christian who was strong in their faith would be more offended at the way pretentious, self-absorbed celebutards think that everything God does is All About Them, and that He places special priority in making sure that little chintzy statuettes are given to them on special occasions to further puff up their already inflated egos. If I were a believer and serious about it, I’d be disgusted at such a trivialization of the role of my God. Then again, adding “Suck it, Jesus!” to the end of that might lose me, after all. But if I were dumb enough to believe in the first place, such a wake-up call would be for my own good, as resentful as I might be about it. Drug addicts and alcoholics resent being told they have a problem. It’s no surprise that those deluded by the fantasies of religion would be similarly offended.

In honor of free speech, and to show just how much respect I have for homicide-enablers like Donald Spitz and their cherished beliefs, I offer this:

SUCK IT, JESUS! AND SWALLOW WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, BIATCH!

And, since the whiner brigade doesn’t think we have the cojones for this one…

SUCK IT, MOHAMMED! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG, TOO!

There. Equal time. Satisfied?

4 comments

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  1. 1
    Friar Zero

    Suck it Jesus! Matt Dillahunty is my god now!

  2. 2
    tina FCD

    Yep, suck is good….

  3. 3
    NAL

    I remember seeing a news segment about the tornado that hit Enterprise High School (fill in any natural disaster). A young women thanked Jesus for saving her life. What an ego, to think that Jesus reached down and prevented any harm from befalling her. And how does this make the parents, of the six who perished, feel? Jesus did not save their children. It was as if the young woman flaunted her survival.

  4. 4
    Complete

    I was about to start to make a list including more than the two headliners you included, but realized that the list of even the biggies was way too long, especially when I got to India and China. The human imagination is a fertile thing. I remember once, while living in Taiwan, getting on the wrong bus and ending up somewhere outside Taipei before I could get off. I wasn’t sure where I was, but the bus let us off at the base of a big hill and we saw steps going up the hill. The handrail was concrete shaped and colored to look like bamboo. That usually indicates something touristy is up the steps so we took off uphill. We ended up at a small temple at the top of the hill. It was a fairly modern temple with a variety of gods inside and outside that was rather ecumenical even for a Chinese temple. We spoke to a young woman there who told us that her uncle had built the temple. She herself was Catholic, having been converted while attending a convent school, but had no problems working in the temple. She then proceeded to show us the various gods who were represented around the place. Inside, where I guess it was more prestigious since they were at least out of the rain and sun, were the traditional Chinese guys and gals: Guan Yin, the Yellow Emperor, etc…As you got closer to the outside, you started moving towards the more dicey figures who were there just so that if you felt like it, you could cover all of your bases. These statues included Confucius, Lao Tzu (nothing surprising there), Shiva, Ganesh and finally, a statue of TBV Mary! I guess she was there instead of Jesus because the girl (who said she included her) had not quite understood her Catholic lessons, or had decided she liked Mary better. (Suck THAT Jesus!) There were many others (probably close to 50 different figures) but these are the ones I remember best.It was an extreme example of the traditional Chinese approach to religion. It’s better to pray and appease all of them just in case one of them might be in a position to help you. It was hilarious. Now I’d love to have pictures and an explanation of all of the figures that were there. On one level it would be an interesting sociological study of the synchretic synthesis that’s happening in modern Chinese society as it is exposed to foreign beliefs. It would also be a great example of the religious equivalent of Mystery Hill. A bogus site built by someone’s uncle to rake in the bucks. LOLANFaith

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