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Aug 15 2007

I love Christian “love”!

This is frickin’ awesome! There’s a service online at christiannewswire.com where they allow any faith-head lunatic to post a press release. Only on a site such as this would something this hilarious be printed with a straight face. This is from some frootloop named Pastor Wiley Drake, and while it sounds exactly like the sort of thing you’d see over at Landover Baptist’s peerless parody site, this is one case where I believe reality is funnier than parody.

In light of the recent attack from the enemies of God I ask the children of God to go into action with Imprecatory Prayer. Especially against Americans United for Separation of Church and State. I made an attempt to go to them via Matt 18:15 but they refused to talk to me. Specifically target Joe Conn or Jeremy Learing. They are those who lead the attack. (You can see their press release attack at www.au.org )

Boy! This “imprecatory prayer” stuff sounds pretty hardcore. Certainly it put me in mind of that classic hymn of righteousness, “The Hand of the Almighty” by John R. Butler. (Ain’t heard it? Get ye some salvation, sinner!)

Anyway, I decided I’d better look the term up. After all, if “imprecatory prayer” is at least as effective as “intercessory prayer,” then it seems like the AU has…well…nothing at all to worry about. But as Pascal’s Wager reminds us, why take chances, eh?

So the first Google result I got for the term was this demented page, which reveals Christian love in all its glory.

What is a Christian to do when the government protects criminals and criminal activity such as the abortion clinic? What is a Pastor to do when the government, or the news media, or well funded liberal hate groups persecute and bad mouth him because of his doctrine? What is a Christian to do when he can not go to the courts, police, and government for justice? What if the courts, police and government are the criminals. The answer is imprecatory prayer.

Poor Christians, persecuted everywhere you turn! I mean, I had no idea you guys weren’t allowed to go to the police or to the courts any more! When was that law passed? And how was it passed by all of our Christian senators and congressmen, and not vetoed by our Christian president? Oh well. No use worrying about that now, Christians! What will you do? What will you do? Well, apart from making damn sure you buy American Express Traveler’s Checks, you go right to the head office.

Imprecatory prayer is a last resort appeal to God for justice. The so called ‘curses’ are simply the just penalty called for in the scriptures for the alleged crime. Imprecatory prayer is an appeal to the court of divine justice (1) for protection and (2) the appropriate punishment for the criminals.

Imprecatory prayer is most often used when the criminals are the rich and powerful or corrupt men in government. The prayer asks God to solve the problem and bring the criminal to repentance, or to judgment.

You know, maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like “imprecatory prayer” is just for pussies who can’t work up the chutzpah to strap on a suicide bomb. (Then again, I suppose we don’t see “imprecatory prayer” practiced more often than we do because all of the rich and powerful and corrupt men in government at the moment are conservative Christians.) But as we are soon warned, if not performed with the proper gravitas, “imprecatory prayer” can backfire something nasty. After all, this is an all-powerful deity we’re talking about here, and as Brother John Butler reminds us, he can really f*ck you up!

Here are a few words from a sermon by Pastor Pete Peters as he was commenting on pages 216 and 217 of Paradise Restored by Rev. David Chilton.

“You be careful with imprecatory prayer. Because if your life is not right. It can have a boomerang effect. You see, as you judge, so shall you be judged. Think about that. Does that make sense? I say that because, the other day somebody pointed out to me that a woman has been praying for me to die in an airplane crash. She is a Christian woman. She wants me dead. Well, now, I was thinking about that, you know, If I was her son I would not want to get into an airplane. You see what I am saying? You got to be careful how you use that power. With imprecatory prayer, if we don’t mature as Christians, it is like putting a loaded 45, `hammer-back, cocked and the safety off, into the hands of a five-year old. Does that make sense?”

Well, hell no, it doesn’t make sense, you cross-eyed inbred psychopath! You’d have to be completely non compos mentis to believe there’s some all-powerful invisible magical man in the sky who loves us, and who made us in his image, but who will not only f*ck us up if we don’t love him back to his satisfaction, he can also be prayed to for some divine f*ckin-up action if Christians feel they’re just too put upon by this invisible man’s so-called enemies. Furthermore, if this invisible man is really omnithis and omnithat and omnieverythingelse, then you’d think he’d already know who his enemies were, and would be about f*ckin’ em up all on his own, without needing the “imprecatory prayer” of his paranoid sheep to point out to him that he had enemies needing some f*ckin up in the first place!

Ah, Christianity. Institutionalized madness.

Anyway, thought I better check out the AU site to see what brought on Pastor Wiley’s histrionics.

Yesterday, Americans United asked the Internal Revenue Service to investigate the First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park, Calif., for a potential violation of federal tax law barring electioneering by non-profit groups. Dr. Wiley S. Drake, pastor of the church, issued a press release on church letterhead endorsing Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and subsequently offered the endorsement on a church-affiliated radio show.

Respondeth Barry Lynn: “Calling for curses on us might distract Drake’s supporters, but it won’t help him with the IRS.” Heh heh. Yeah, Kent Hovind found that out the hard way.

This stuff just gets funnier and funnier! Everybody thinks I have it in for Christians. But I swear, on a day like this, with this kind of thing going on, I hold them dear to my heart.

Now, if I can only figure out who these “well-funded liberal hate groups” are. Project much?

2 comments

  1. 1
    tracieh

    Here is Matthew 18:15 (that Drake used prior to sicking evil on the AU staff:”If your brother sins against you,[a] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”If I think X broke the law, and I tell the authorities about it–in what way have I “sinned” against X? Where did I do _anything_ remotely wrong by reporting what I suspected was a legal violation? Even if I was incorrect–how would that be the wrong thing to do?That’s like saying that if I hear noises at night coming from my neighbor’s house–and it sounds like he’s beating his wife to death–but I’m not certain, I’m wrong to call the authorities to come out and check that everything is all right.Isn’t that actually the RIGHT thing to do?

  2. 2
    AmberKatt

    What is a Christian to do, when all those anti-Christian, hating meanies do all those mean things against you? What, I ask you, is a Christian do do???Hm. Well, let’s go to the source, shall we? What would Jesusdo?“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:38-48)Nope, nothing in there about calling down supernatural death curses on folks….

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