Well, color me relieved! I was sure it was only a matter of time before Pastor Ted was going to start stalking playgrounds and shopping mall food courts looking for impressionable young lads (which, as you all know, is what people who have caught teh gay usually do). Or worse, wearing Prada and listening to Streisand. But, thanks to “three weeks of intensive counseling,” Haggard has proudly pronounced his manly manhood fully restored and unblemished by non-heterosexuality! “He is completely heterosexual,” boasts his good friend Paster Tim Ralph, which is especially reassuring, as it takes a pretty astute mind to spot the difference between “completely” heterosexual and, say, only 92.3% heterosexual.
With such effective Christian counseling services out there curing sad, misled sinners of teh gay with such “complete” efficacy, I sleep easily knowing our great country is safe once again!