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Online Palm Reading

I get email.

So this gem just popped into my inbox.

Hello,
I was browsing the web when i saw your site freethoughtblogs.com, and when i look at it, Enjoyed the content, would you mind if I offer you to have a link exchange site PR 3 (reciprocal link exchange – Page PR-2) with my site, here is our site http://www.mypsychicadvice.com/
If your interested make this link live and you can email us back with your site details, looking forward to grant my request. You can put link it anywhere close to homepage.
Thanks,

Challenge Accepted.

First off, what kind of dick ends his PR pitch with “Thanks,”? No name? But I digress. So this guy, which I will refer to as Spambot,  who  is certainly a real person stumbled across FtB and “Enjoyed the Content”. Spambot is clearly not the brightest mass emailing marketing algorithm in the world.

Spambot then implores me to first link to his site and contact him with my site details so (in theory) I can get massive amounts of money. But Spambot works for a Woo peddling company that, among other fake products, can predict the future. So Spambot must have known that I would read his email, be tired enough to mock it, and dickish enough to remove all the hyperlinks so that it would make money for Spambot’s masters back at “My Psychic Advice.”

Lastly, Spambot’s control of the English language (i.e. worse than mine) might be the reason he was able so enjoy FtB and its Woo friendly atmosphere.

So I looked into the website (no missions today), which looks a lot like a pyramid scheme (if the pyramid was buried to its apex in a pile of dumb and fail). The site, allows people to sign up as “Psychic Experts” and sell their stupid over the net for a price via live chat. Allowing the Indian entrepreneur and in no way an employee of the Cambay Spa and Resort to hire a bunch of independent consultants (read: untalented hacks) and take a cut from the top. Smart person is at least smart because under the tons of false reviews appears be to user base eager to have some random asshole type to them. So, not wanting to disappoint, I became one of those random assholes.

Pre Trolling Gear Checklist:

1)    Sock Puppet Paypal – CHECK

2)    Woolishous User Name – CHECK

3)    My loud neighbor’s address – CHECK

4)    Copy and Pasting the “specialties and training information” from another “expert’s” bio – CHECK

5)     Tab open to Encyclopedia Dramatica (for my advice) – CHECK

Thirty minutes and a small fee later, I was now an expert in the fields of Online Psychic Reading (the ball says ask again later), Love (in reference to Mudkips only), Relationships (yea fucking right), Marriage (only gay marriage is acceptable, no exceptions), Tarot Card Readings (My Tarot Cards were stolen by ninjas, but I have playing cards), Astrology Horoscopes (Your gonna die), Magic Love Money Spells (I need your paypal account and password to complete the spell please), Job and Career Predictions (Your getting fired tomorrow or Since your unemployed, I would advise against spending your money on websites), Mental and Health Mentoring (Provided links to real doctors), Palm Reading (Zoom in on your thumb, please), Luck Numbers (42), Spiritual Healer (Motrin), Feng Shui (Ebay all your shit and reroll), and Past Life Regression (You were a fool in your last life too).

4 hours later, I was banned. Thank you internet, you can always provide a laugh.

Comments

  1. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    Astrology Horoscopes (Your gonna die)

    Not me. My horror-scope says I’m going to live forever. Ya gotta know how to tweak horror-scopes properly (remember kids, 7+4=13 if you squint hard enough). So there, nyahh! :-þ

  2. lordshipmayhem says

    If they were psychic, you’d never have received that e-mail in the first place. They’d have been unbelievably and forever rich through successful stock market investments.

  3. passerby says

    Why do I feel as if this trolling, in it’s entirety, should go to the SomethingAwful frontpage?

    *Slow clap.*

  4. laschesis says

    What your horoscope didn’t advise you to avoids contact with blondes carrying the Ebola virus (HT to Weird Al)

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