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Jan 24 2014

My flannel-clad boyfriend responds to 23 fashion trends men hate

PiplipPresented for your Friday entertainment.

Dustin was surfing around on Facebook and saw this video Top 8 Beauty Trends Men Hate! and asked me why he was seeing it everywhere.  I then had to explain to him this horrifically sexist Huffington Post article that had been getting a lot of flak.  I decided to record this man’s response to the things he supposedly hates.  He, by the way, is not OK with Huffington Post speaking for his taste.

You shouldn’t in any way care what any guy’s taste in clothing is, obviously, this is more a hilarious demonstration of how the article tries to paint men as terrible, fashion-savvy assholes.

EDIT: Some have found this difficult to navigate, so, once the list starts, the article is in block quotes, he’s normal text, I’m italic.

 

1. Peplums:

Like the Pokemon?

AFM: … ?

Oh no, that’s Piplup.  Yeah, I don’t know what that is

AFM: Remember the dress that Jaci was wearing at the party?

No, I don’t.  Let me stop you at “remember that dress,” I never will.  Wait the party where we first met her?

AFM: No, the one on Tuesday

Ohhhh.  No I don’t remember three days ago either.

 

2. Beanies:

I hate how girls wear those knit hats on the top of their heads

Where the fuck else are they going to wear them? That’s what hats are for!

 

3. Wedge Sneakers:

“I hate Isabel Marant sneakers…”

Who the fuck is Isabel Marant?

 

4. Floppy Hats:

“There’s this look I would call ‘the bourgeoise bohemian’”

hahaha wtf I don’t even know what those mean

 

5. Open-side shirts:

I like sides. I like bras. I don’t see what we’re complaining about.

 

6. Bright lipstick:

“because gross you’re going to get that on me.”

PLEASE GET THAT ON ME. … Is that Amy Pond?

 

7. Heavy Eye Makeup:

I literally have not noticed

 

8. Bandeau Bikinis:

unh. Why is less clothing bad?

 

9. Pointy Shoes:

I… pointy shoes are the norm aren’t they?

 

10. “Fake” nails

 

11. High waisted jeans:

“High-waisted mom jeans, especially the blotchy light and dark ones (acid wash?).”

What does acid wash mean? It’s not what I’d wear, but I also don’t want moose knuckle.  I mean fuck, whatever.

 

12. High waisted shorts:

“High-waisted shorts that basically reveal butt cheek. Too much.”
“Shorts so short that the pockets are visible. Why?”
“The return of our moms’ high-waisted shorts is the most unattractive recycled trend going on nowadays.”

I’m entirely OK with butt cheeks, one.  Two, the pockets are fake anyway, there’s a legitimate criticism.  Everyone knows that girl pockets aren’t so deep as to be useful.  I don’t remember mom wearing these, and if she did, again… I don’t remember.

13. High waisted skirts:

“I think the high-waisted skirt thing should probably be over. It’s one of those things where you’re trying too hard, it lacks a certain degree of subtlety.”

Nnnkay

 

14. Fold over ankle boots:

I honestly am not convinced that I’ve ever seen those in my life.  The editors may have invented them.

 

15. Ultra-high heels:

“Guys won’t be looking at your shapely physique if your ankles keep buckling and you walk like a toddler with a diaper full of poop and/or a drunk giraffe.”

Anti-catcalling strategy right there.  If you don’t want a guy to notice if you’re attractive, unattractive, or even exist, wear those and they’ll just say there’s a drunk giraffe.  But not really because I don’t think anyone is going to notice your shoes?  Or maybe they will?  I don’t know, I don’t shoes.

 

16. Pantsuits:

“Men’s business suits…you’re a woman, not a man.”

FUCK YOU I like it when women wear traditionally male clothing or whatever.

 

17. Drop crotch pants:

I don’t know what those are.  They do, however, look odd I guess.

 

18. Hair bows:

They’re hairbows what is the…  I don’t… what’s the problem?

 

19. Bangles:

“A gigantic number of bangles, which just gets super annoying when they’re clanging around all the time.

I’ve literally never heard a bangle.  I have no idea what bangles sound like.

 

20. Oversized sweaters:

Looks warm

 

21. Mullet dresses:

“where’s the fucking party??? You are covering the back!”

Yeah, yeah, this.  We WERE JUST COMPLAINING in number 12 that we could see butt cheeks and that seeing butt cheeks is a bad thing.  NOW WE’RE COMPLAINING THAT WE CAN’T SEE BUTT CHEEKS!?  But, I actually know what these are, I remember seeing them.  So that’s exciting.

 

22. Leggings:

“Once in a while is fine, but as a standard pant option, it’s boring and predictable. Florals spice it up a bit but they’re also a little gimmicky.”

I don’t know what a gimmick is with regard to leg covering choices. Also, again, why are we complaining about getting to see butts and legs?

 

23. Shoulder Pads:

I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anybody in shoulder pads since the 80s

26 comments

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  1. 1
    badgersdaughter

    My husband notices two things: when what I’m wearing is a frumpy sack that makes me look pregnant (since I do tend to wear loose clothes, I am not always aware when “loosely fitted” turns to “are you planning to go out shoplifting watermelons”), and when what I’m wearing incorporates red satin and stretch lace and it’s eleven at night. :)

  2. 2
    moarscienceplz

    Yeah, I gotta say, if women are spending all this time and money on fashion and makeup to get guys to notice; they are wasting most of their time and money. If they are doing it for their own enjoyment, well, a lot of my hobbies would probably make them roll their eyes, so who am I to judge?

    OTOH, if I ever saw anyone over the age of three wearing a giant bow in their hair, I reserve the right to ROFLMAO.

  3. 3
    Eve Ross

    This is what bangles sound like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbHxwFxdXXc

  4. 4
    Dustin Tucker

    Well played, Eve.

    Well played, indeed.

  5. 5
    Al Dente

    I had a similar thought to Eve Ross @3 except I thought of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv6tuzHUuuk

  6. 6
    Skip White

    Piplup! Ah, fond memories of being a young lad of 27 years old.

  7. 7
    sawells

    Jane Austen commented 200 years ago that men do not notice women’s efforts in the fashion department at all. Northanger Abbey.

  8. 8
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    Just read the original article. Honestly? Every bit of it looked somewhere between attractive and sexy as hell, except the pointy-toe shoes, which were unattractive specifically because they looked dreadfully uncomfortable.

    Also – the pockets on those shorts are fake?(!?) What the hell is the point of that?

  9. 9
    Forbidden Snowflake

    I liked that video. It’s nice to see a shout-out to skants in this day and age.

  10. 10
    A. Noyd

    Do I fail as a woman because I didn’t know what peplums or bandeu bikinis are and had to look up wedge sneakers, beanies, drop-crotch pants and mullet dresses to make sure they were close to what I imagined?

  11. 11
    Dangerous Lilly

    Ok, first I have to say that when I went through the HufPo article my main thought was “Wait….I wore most of this shit in high school. WHEN DID THE EARLY 90S COME BACK?!?!”. Seriously. These are things now? The 90s jeans and Cosby sweaters and the ankle boots??

    Second, WHO ARE THEY EVEN ASKING. Seriously. I know zero men who would have this many strong opinions. I bet they’re polling NYC men. NYC men see the most of the weird fashion, probably.

  12. 12
    Michael Rhoades

    I am male, and I have opinions on a lot of the items in the Huff Post article. I am often very observant of what women wear, though I may lack the fashion vocabulary to systematize my observations. I am a very aesthetically and visually oriented thinker, which is probably part of the reason I went to film school. I am also a paranoid perfectionist and constantly worried that what I am wearing is making people hate me somehow, so I feel constantly ashamed that my fashion choices are inadequate and I’m also afraid of getting fat.

    Peplums – I don’t like them…some sort of weird violation of the golden ratio or something.
    Beanies – I think they suit some personalities just fine.
    Wedge Sneakers – I like these, because I can pretend to be living in, perhaps, the world of Blade Runner.
    Floppy Hats – I think they suit some personalities just fine.
    Open-side shirts – I don’t really care for these…it makes me feel unable to look down and to the left or right lest I accidentally give the impression I am somehow observationally violating someone, which just leads to exhausting and otherwise avoidable guilt if the person were wearing a non-open-side shirt.
    Bright Lipstick – I really don’t like this, or most make-up, as it makes me fearful people are trying to hide something from me…then I can’t stop wondering what they might be trying to hide and if they have intentions to harm me in some way. Bright lipstick makes me very anxious.
    Heavy Eye Makeup – I don’t like it at all. See above.
    Bandeau Bikinis – I really appreciate the aesthetic simplicity of no straps. They look, perhaps, uncomfortable and impractical, however.
    Pointy Toes – I do not like them. One, they remind me of the Victorian Era, which frightens me. Two, I am anxious that getting kicked by them will hurt more. A round-toed shoe is much more comforting and less visual-vectorily accusatory.
    “Fake” Nails – I don’t like them. An impression of artificiality makes me uncomfortable. Please see my comments on makeup.
    High-Waisted Jeans – I would like to champion any resurgence of high-waisted jeans. They just make more sense. The low-waisted regime has spread to men’s fashion, and I have to wear jeans that allow my shirt to constantly become untucked, and I find the cold air running up my back in winter very uncomfortable. Also, aren’t low waisted jeans an exhausted trend yet? I am ready for them to end. They are aesthetically devoid and lack functionality, too.
    High-Waisted Shorts – The droopy pockets are kind of lolz, but whatever.
    High-Waisted Skirts – None of the pictured skirts seem excessively high-waisted to me. They’re basically kind of cute.
    Fold-Over Ankle Boots – I like these, because I can pretend to be living in, perhaps, Middle Earth.
    Ultra-High Heels – ALL HIGH HEELS ARE BAD AND A CONSPIRACY! They are a watered down and disguised form of foot binding designed to limit women’s mobility and safety and to harm them over time. THEY CAN LITERALLY DEFORM AND HARM YOU PERMANENTLY. ASK A PODIATRIST! That said, many things are fine in moderation. They do serve a legitimate aesthetic function in some contexts but should only be worm sparingly and not anywhere near any dark alleys or unlocked tiger cages IMHO.
    Pantsuits – Fun. Cute.
    Drop-Crotch Pants – I like these, because I can pretend to be living in, perhaps, the days of early aviation.
    Hair Bows – I think these suit some personalities just fine.
    Bangles – WARNING! Bangles are germ vectors and a public health hazard. They’re always bumping into the same things you touch with your hands, but they never get washed.
    Oversized Sweaters – Fun. Cute.
    Mullet Dresses – I like this classic sitcom/comedy film “Part of my dress just got stuck in the elevator and/or subway door and got ripped off and I have a business presentation in 5 minutes” look.
    Leggings – Fun. Cute.
    Shoulder Pads – Good for airline travel. Could be used as a flotation device in an emergency water landing. Perhaps combine them with drop-crotch pants?

  13. 13
    Aaroninmelbourne

    As a gay guy I first looked for the article “fashion trends men love but women hate” but no, not on there. A shame really. The “slimline” fad belongs in there. Nobody looks good in slimline: thin people look emaciated, medium or stocky build look like they’ve bought the wrong size. And yet it’s not comfortable. So the fashion is to look bad and be uncomfortable in something that is cheaper to manufacture than the genuine article. Yes, the only reason fashion houses push it out is the massive saving in material (in WWII, the UK forbade trouser cuffs because it saved a single inch of material on the pants… which translated into a whole pair of trousers per 80 made. Slimline is the same thinking).

    Peplums fall into the same trap: they’re a cheap variant of the A-line which did the same thing but far more elegantly. Hipsters also fall into the same category, and that fashion known as “let me pull my pants low enough that I look like I’ve got a massive turd in my crotch” was just ridiculous as well as spine-damaging (check the funny waddle that people have to do if the pants bind the thighs… it’s stupid and dangerous). Frayed seams which haven’t been finished are just that: unfinished clothing that’s got an inbuilt time-limit. Interlocking seams on the outside aren’t a fashion either: they’re a manufacturing fault that you’ve paid for when the interlocker is basically a cheaper process than a French seam in any case. And huge advertisements on clothing? If “Le Frenchie Chic Fashion House” wants to use your chest as a billboard, they should pay you… what are you paying them premium $$$ for?

    Perhaps we could just sum it up as “When the fashion industry…”:
    1. makes a mistake (like inside out seams), they’ll mark it up and sell it on
    2. makes an advertisement (like logo shirts), they’ll mark it up and sell it on
    3. finds a saving (like Peplums), they’ll mark it up and sell it on
    4. works out how to turn grassroots normality into expensive fashion fads (like sneakers) they’ll mark it up and sell it on
    4. When a fashion house knows it will be uncomfortable and impractical yet noticeable (like slimline suits), it’ll be the next “High Fashion” craze.. ka-ching!

  14. 14
    suttkus

    Oh, so all men have the same opinions about stuff! Good to know. Wait, your boyfriend doesn’t agree with Huff Po’s all men? Something wrong with him. Maybe he’s not a Real Man™.

    Yeah. I don’t even have opinions on most of that stuff, and I tend to pay attention to women’s clothes. Peplums? A quick scan of Google images shows me some I like and some I don’t. Beanies? Can’t say they do anything for me, but whatever, it’s your style. Wedge sneakers? Kinda gives a tomboy look. I like that. Floppy hats? HATE FLOPPY HATS? Anyone who hates any fashion item used by Audrey Hepburn simply hates fashion. Your opinion has no weight with me at all now, all men! Stuff you!

    Open side shirts pretty much defines what’s wrong with the whole exercise for me. Do I like them? Well, uh… they’re a bit trashy in my opinion, but the entire point of “trashy” is that as a heterosexual male, I really like it, but wouldn’t want my daughter wearing it, and my mother wearing it would just fry my brain in an instant. Do I like it? In what sense? It’s inappropriate for some contexts (still, in my opinion). I’d like it if my girlfriend wore it on a trip to the park or something, but dislike it if she wore it meeting my parents.

    The next two involve heavy makeup. As an unabashed fan of the “I wear my makeup to look like I’m not wearing makeup”, I’d agree, I dislike them, but the idea that men, in general, dislike it is ridiculous. I know several men who love the heavy makeup look.

    I can’t even get up the energy to write about the rest.

  15. 15
    wilsim

    My wife wears leggings all the time. I love it. She could wear them every day if she could handle me following her around like a drooling puppy.

    That list is simply that author’s like and dislikes – nothing more than that.

    I don’t see the problem. If you don’t like a style, don’t wear it. And shut the fuck up about what someone who is not you is wearing.

  16. 16
    =8)-DX

    What a nonsense sexist article you linked to: a plethora of anorectic models .. wearing .. clothes! The whole thing is a load of nonsense – all those women looked better than most people do and no single design choice was a “turnoff” – each and every item of clothing there could be used effectively.

    And the horrible patronising asshole of a commentator – women are “girls”, but aren’t allowed to wear a fuckin’ bow in their hair? What? And no men’s suits? WHAT? The sole purpose of women’s clothing is so this one (or more) asshole can gawk at what he particularly likes about women’s bodies covered in ways he particularly deems appropriate???

    It’s the same old story of “women: damned if you do, damned if you don’t and we’ll talk down at you either way” – I always kind of envy women for the wide choice in clothing available, but whenever I read bullshit like this I’m happy that “clean and warm enough” is all I have to worry about when getting dressed and not the whims of some bunch of perverts drooling over my crotch..

  17. 17
    freemage

    I’d seen the video before, but not bothered seeking out the original HuffPo article. I just followed your link, and I’d like to go back in time and replace the minute or two spent reading it with being punched in the gut. So. Very. Horrible.

    And yes, just about every one of those items were either things I hear women complain about way more than men (all the shoe-related items, for instance), or were things that, to the extent most guys notice them at all, are pretty much ‘personal taste’ with no real unifying agreement (and, on top of that, which varies heavily from one case to another–like some other folks here, I did the Google Image thing on peplum dresses and was like, “Huh. Some of those look good. Some not so good. Some look good, but I suspect they’d get uncomfortable since it looks like she can’t walk without her wrists constantly brushing the waist fabric.).

  18. 18
    doublereed

    Seriously? Leggings? They insulted leggings? I was under the impression that leggings are basic legwear. It’s like insulting pants.

    Same with pantsuits. If you want to wear a suit, then it’s going to be either a pantsuit or skirtsuit, right? This is not like insulting pants. This is insulting pants!

    Gah so much arbitrary. And come on, not everyone lives in California where there is no such thing as cold and everyone is super casual.

  19. 19
    drken

    Yet another straight-cis man here to respond to the media trying to talk for me. Heck, I barely speak for me, let alone somebody I’ve never met. But, I do like insulting other people’s fashion choices, so here goes:

    The bangles, open sides, elf boots, and hair bows all make me think of high school in the early ’80s. Of all of them, the big hair bows were my favorite. They became popular after Amadeus came out and I always thought they looked cute. Although, I remember them being bigger and at the end of a ponytail or french braid. I don’t remember any of them looking like the ones in the pictures. Which is a shame, because I’ve been waiting for the big bows to come back. I agree with Michael Rhoades that the open sides look can turn you into an accidental creeper. But, that’s my problem, not the wearer. It always seemed to make more sense at the pool or beach where it would be worn over a bikini top instead of underwear (hence the name). As always, I blame the visible bra and all attendant problems on Madonna.

    Other stuff I have no problem with, or even like. Who doesn’t like leggings? Who the hell cares about wedge sneakers? Wool hats are fine, except when worn in hot weather when they make you look like a douche-bag. Pants-suits are growing on me.

    Spandau/strapless bikini tops have been around as long as I can remember women wearing bikini tops of any sort, so I don’t see how they count as a fashion trend. I’ve never liked them. They just make women look shapeless and smushed down. I’ve never met a woman who didn’t look better with the standard, triangle shape. I don’t get the “linebacker” shoulders bit. Of course, I went to an SEC school, so most women would be at least a foot short and lacking about 100 lbs of muscle to make me think of linebackers. Maybe it’s an Div III thing. No problem with strapless in general, just don’t like the bikini tops.

    None of the things listed are as bad as stirrup pants. Gad, those were ugly.

  20. 20
    hoary puccoon

    I am so far off the page that when I read “flannel-clad boy friend” I assumed it meant he wears beautifully tailored gray business suits. Then I realized– oh, yeah. Lumberjack shirts. ;-)

  21. 21
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    23. Shoulder Pads: I don’t think I’ve ever noticed anybody in shoulder pads since the 80s

    Hilary Clinton?

    Doesn’t Letterman joke about her famously wearing them all the time or is that something else?

    As an (Aussie) bloke I hadn’t even heard of most of these items and can’t say I have any strong opinions about fashion and dress – different things suit different people and mostly, unless something is really dramatically unusual or odd-looking -and generally even then – I just don’t really notice or care.

  22. 22
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    Oops. For shoulderpads read pantsuits. thats’ what I was thinking of re: H. Clinton.

    Also if she or anyone wants to wear pantsuits or shoulderpads, that’s up to her and I certainly have nothing against it.

  23. 23
    octopod

    The gender normativity in that article makes me want to barf.

  24. 24
    leni

    I think the high-waisted skirt thing should probably be over. It’s one of those things where you’re trying too hard, it lacks a certain degree of subtlety.

    Like pencil skirts? The classic and versatile style that is often the bottom half of the beloved “skirt-suit”?

    Anyone who has a problem with pencil skirts has no god damned business commenting on fashion. Ever.

    That is all :)

  25. 25
    Alexi

    Hehehe great response:) That article was so stupid. This is so funny…

  26. 26
    mens leather jackets

    Its a great pleasure reading your post.Its full of information I am looking for. Thanks for sharing such a interesting topic with us…

  1. 27
    Eight Things I Hate About 23 Trends Guys Hate | Alas, a Blog

    […] (Via). […]

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