Racism, homophobia, and how I lost my dad last week


I’m sorry to be doing this over the phone, your father has forbidden me from seeing you in person.  I’m sorry, he just cannot support your lifestyle anymore, he will not be speaking to you again, he asked me to tell you.

That was my stepmother, the day after Thanksgiving, the day after she discovered I was dating someone.  Someone who was not white.  Someone who was black.  Someone who was sitting in the next room and knew what the phone call was going to be about before it even started.

Your father wants you to know that he still loves you.  But you’ve gone too far.

She won’t say the reason.  She won’t acknowledge that it is a race thing.  Like not saying “because he’s black” makes it not racist.

Your lifestyle is just not OK with him, he has bent as much as he will bend.  He has bent so much and you haven’t bent at all.

I insist on clarification, “My lifestyle?”

Yes.  Your father is an old Southern man, he was raised like that, he was raised to believe that races just don’t mix.  It was the final straw.  He loves you, he just doesn’t like you.

“So, this is entirely because he’s black?”

I told him it didn’t matter to you, that all you cared about was that someone didn’t believe in God and nothing else.  But he just can’t bend anymore. You knew this would be his reaction.

I was admittedly worried he’d disapprove, but then he’d meet the boyfriend and like him and it would be fine.  Also, my boyfriend isn’t even atheist.

We’re not telling you what to do.  If you love him, you should be with him.  But I’m going to stand by my husband, just as you some day, if you get married, will stand by yours.  We both love you, he’s just not going to talk to you.  Maybe, in a long time, he might change his mind, but I don’t think so. I think it was too much.

***

I met someone several months ago, our mutual friend introduced us and we hit it off immediately.  It’s long distance, so at first it was just days-long text and video chats, which became weeks-long, which became months-long — we only stop talking when we absolutely have to.  I don’t even know how we’ve filled up the space. And the chats became long weekends and meeting friends and Facebook status changes and negotiating holidays and what will happen when I graduate with my PhD.

He is smart, but more importantly, he is passionate and open and honest to a fault.  He was introduced to me as the “straight male ani difranco”, he makes documentaries and works for non-profits. I play the ukulele, he plays the guitar, and we compete heavily for lead singing duty.  Theoretically we will learn to sing in harmony.

I have been remarkably happy, regardless of other setbacks and challenges and the realities of life and school, I have felt very lucky to have this relationship blossom over the last few months.

He was with me for Thanksgiving, to meet my mom and stepdad and brother and rest of my family.  Except my dad.  My mother, who is much wiser than me and deserves full credit for being right, told me not to tell my dad until she could grease the wheels, but I, who wanted to make the boyfriend part of my family, foolishly overreached and talked to my father thinking that she was underestimating his fundamental human decency.

And now my father has just disowned me.

I suppose I am thankful that he waited until the day after Thanksgiving to do it.  Not that he told me, he made my stepmother his proxy as he was too angry to speak to me directly.  I have been disowned for loving someone my father does not approve of.

To be fair, we weren’t the closest of friends.  He did not approve of my liberal politics, and I didn’t approve of his crush on Sarah Palin, but we were civil and spent birthdays and Christmas together. I loved him very much, and I still do.  For whatever that’s worth. He is extremely conservative, but he’s not super religious.  It’s weird, as I think about it, I can’t think of anyone who was disowned by a non-religious parent.  I am sure I will discover it to be an illustrious club now.

As a gay rights activist, I’ve always struggled with the idea that there are people in society who think it is appropriate to punish someone for being in love.  Love is the most beautiful thing humans can experience, there’s simply no reason to deny it to anyone.  If I was reading this, without knowing the full story, I would just instinctively assume that it was a story about someone being gay, because you still often hear about people being disowned for that.  But no, this was way more 1967 than that.

I was disowned for having a black boyfriend.

Miscegenation is apparently still a problem, at least for my dad.  It’s not that I thought I was living in a world that was post-racial, I’m just unaccustomed to racism being so blatant.  Tacit disapproval, sure, but outright racist comments were, I thought, essentially the purview of Internet trolls and people who apparently exist but no one knows very well personally.

Hopelessly naive, I suppose, to think that some fifty years on people could, with some prodding, be willing to judge someone by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.

***

1967, the year the Supreme Court forced every state to recognize interracial marriage in Loving v Virginia, seems like a very long time ago to me.  And 45 years is quite a long time.  But my dad wasn’t so young then, already in his twenties, and it’s not like South Carolina was very happy about it.  It took until 1998, which doesn’t seem that long ago at all, for the state to formally remove the anti-miscegenation laws from the State Constitution.

Things have changed rapidly.  In 2010, 15% of new marriages were interracial, a third of people report being immediately related to an interracial couple, and the overall percentage of marriages that are interracial is now 8.4%.  Among my generation, approval of interracial dating is at 94%, and among my dad’s generation, approval of interracial dating is 84%.  We have a mixed-race president!

Of course, none of that means that the problems of racism are in the past, far from it, but I’ve always felt like so much of the problem was structural and unconscious, not malicious and open.  Racial inequalities in schools, health outcomes, poverty, prison rates, drug rates, and education rates are horrific — at only 16% of the population, black people make up over half of all new HIV cases, 60% of the prison population, and 43% of murder victims in the United States.

It is important for people to acknowledge the deep iniquities in this country that need to be addressed.  It is important for people to acknowledge the depth of racism that has survived the counter-culture that we still must fight every day.  And I do not claim to be perfect on this front, far from it, just as I am not a perfect feminist, but I try.  It is important to try.

***

I keep running through my mind of what I could have done differently.  I could have followed my mother’s advice and not told him, let her try to soften the blow.  My poor mother is devastated for me, that’s worse than what happened with Dad, really — she is the best and I hate making her unhappy.

I could have pointed out all the things that I haven’t done to be a disappointment to him.  I mean, yes, I’m a liberal who supports equality, but I just keep making a list in my head of all these other things I could have done that would have been upsetting to him*:

  • I have never been a drug addict
  • I have never been a drunk or alcoholic
  • I have never killed anyone
  • I have never been arrested
  • I have never been a sex worker
  • I have never gone through a rebellious phase
  • I have never gotten pregnant out of wedlock
  • I have never failed school

I am, in general, pretty much the opposite of a fuck up, and I sit here and wonder… would my father like me better if I’d gotten drunk and run someone over and been sent to jail and dropped out of school… and I think the answer is yes and I don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know how one goes about coping with these things.  I have a very supportive family, friends, and boyfriend.  And Dad and I were never super close.  And, perhaps there were things I could have done better, but none of them change the fact that my dad is the kind of person who would disown their only child for dating “out of race”.

And I know some will say that I’m better to be rid of him, and maybe they’re right.  Maybe it’s a relief to just be able to be myself without that particular Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, but he’s my dad.  And I’m his only kid.  Well, not anymore I guess.

I guess it’s sort of like a divorce. I don’t even think I have any insight to add to this other than the following: This still happens in 2012 in the United States.

*things that would upset him, not things that represent anything like justification for disowning someone and most of which aren’t moral crimes at all to my mind

Comments

  1. says

    That was a bad thing that happened to you. I don’t think your decision to do and say things when you did is in any way at fault, you are not in any way at fault. This isn’t your thing, it’s your father’s thing. I’m really sorry.

    Thank you for challenging yourself and putting yourself on the line by writing this. You did an excellent job describing and unpacking what happened. I know you had to write this because of who you are, and that it was not easy, but this will go a long way to make things better for other people.

    You are a very much respected and loved person.

  2. brucegee1962 says

    Last year a relative of mine (white) got married to someone who was black. The best part of the wedding was the two families getting together at the reception and getting to know each other, hear one anothers’ stories, cool off in the hotel pool together, and generally bless the marriage.

    It made me think about my father, who grew up in the 20s and 30s and had to adjust to his grandchildren making all kinds of choices that he was never brought up to imagine, much less be asked to approve of. Yet somehow he managed to adjust.

    I’m so sad that there are still these pockets of old-fashioned thinking like your father. There is always potential to change, and I hope your father will eventually come around.

  3. Amy says

    My mom is the same way… (She actually told me the other day that even though she spent much of my childhood trying to prepare for the day she had to live “look who’s coming to dinner” becaus of me, she was very glad that it never actually happened) so I understand what you’re going through. Clearly not 100% because I never brought anyone home who was of another race to the woman who grounded me because she was terrified that I was a lesbian (which you know I’m not…) but enough to feel for you tremendously. If you ever need anything, I’m always on FB…

  4. frog says

    Random stranger on the internet offering condolences, here.

    What Greg says above is 100% correct: this is not in any way your fault.

    You father has made this decision. It is a stupid decision, but one of the things about adults is that they must be allowed by other adults to make their own decisions, stupid though they be.

    The pain of rejection is raw and nasty right now. I hope you can salve it somewhat by knowing it isn’t your fault. And I hope that in time, your father will realize what a stupid decision he made and have the wisdom to try to reconcile with you.

  5. says

    this breaks my heart.
    especially since i’m pretty sure you two have hit the jackpot in one another.

    anything i can do to offer comfort, respite, distraction or process, i’m here for both of you 100%.

    the whole thing totally sucks.

    :(

  6. says

    I read the whole letter looking for evidence that this was a repost from the 1970’s. The fact that it’s not, that it’s today, makes me very sad.

    All the best to you and those whom you choose.

  7. pipenta says

    I’m aching for you.

    We don’t get to pick our parents. One of the things that pisses me off when people invoke “family values” is that some pretty messed up people are parents.

    My father was, I’m struggling for words here, troubling, challenging, fucked up? All of these terms would have applied, as would have narcissist, alcoholic and more.

    Not all fathers are easy. Some damage their children.

    Some of us, when we are small, fear our fathers. For some of us, childhood is a hostage situation and the love we feel for our parents is akin to the Stockholm syndrome. If you get away, you just might hate them for a while. You might get numb and not think about them, try to forget them. But you never lose that ache, that longing for a daddy who offers unconditional love. Mine had a hard time giving conditional like. That’s just the way it was.

    I grew up and things got better. I ran into trouble and as soon as I was vulnerable again, things got worse. It hurt.

    He died slowly, deteriorating over a decade from a serious of strokes. At the end, when he was blind and diapered and full of pain and fear, the last thing he had the energy to do was to let me know he hated me. Why? Because I was me.

    And when he was dead, I felt everything and nothing. I’ve never missed him. But I’ve cried for a father I never had. What does it really feel like, I’ve often wondered, having a father who loves you?

    He couldn’t do what he wasn’t capable of doing. He didn’t have the bandwidth. It wasn’t my fault.

    Your dad is in some kind of loop that keeps him locked up. He can’t tolerate black people. He can’t tolerate his daughter. He’s in some kind of self-constructed cage and he won’t let himself out.

    This isn’t your fault.

    I am sorry for your loss.

  8. jane says

    It’s telling that your stepmother said your father had “forbidden” her to see you in person. This caveman thinks of the women of his family as his personal property. You say this is like a divorce; divorce is sad, but sometimes a blessing, as when one divorces an abuser. Your father is plainly an abuser, and you are to be congratulated for getting through your childhood without being infected with his poisonous attitudes. I wish you the best.

  9. says

    Wow. Um…there’s nothing we can say that will make this any better, but I just wanted to delurk and say that I’m so sorry this happened to you :( And send virtual hugs.

  10. otrame says

    My younger son had a friend who was racially mixed. I asked his (white) mom how she handled it when her kids caught crap because of it. She said she always told them “You don’t have a problem. THEY have a problem. You can feel sorry for them, but don’t forget that they are the ones who have a problem, not you”.

    I know it hurts. I am fortunate. By the time my son married a black woman with a three year old little girl (who instantly became the light of my life) my grandmother, the only living close relative who had an issue, was so far gone in her dementia that she had forgotten she wasn’t supposed to approve. She adored my granddaughter, and the feeling was mutual.

    I hope your dad comes to his senses. In the past his whole culture would support him. Now only SOME of his immediate friends and neighbors will. The very fact that he didn’t speak to you himself suggests that he knows in his heart this is wrong. So being forced to face it, maybe he’ll decide your boyfriend isn’t worth losing his daughter over. Keep the lines of communication open. I know if my father ever did such a thing I would never get over the hurt, even if he came around eventually. But I would still love him and would be glad to resume communications.

    He’s an idiot, but he’s still your dad. So love him and never forget that HE is the one with a problem.

  11. says

    Your dad is in some kind of loop that keeps him locked up. He can’t tolerate black people. He can’t tolerate his daughter. He’s in some kind of self-constructed cage and he won’t let himself out.

    This. A hundred times this. My condolences, because no one should have to be in this situation with parents. I understand your pain, but I hope the one to emerge stronger from this turn of events is you. As Greg Laden said above, you are “a very much respected and loved person”; casual bigotry from close family members cannot alter that fact.

  12. Aratina Cage says

    What a terrible thing for a father to do to his own child for a disgusting reason! It makes me so mad. One of my best friends from childhood had this happen to him when he came out as gay. He lost both parents and a sister because they all “stood by the husband/father” authoritarian crap as they were taught to do in their church. I still can’t believe people act this way. It’s also why I think Blackford and people who side with him are wrong to compare the lines being drawn among atheists over feminism to these kinds of religiously inspired shunnings which wreak havoc primarily on families over the most trivial things like the race of the man you love or the sexual orientation of my friend.

  13. noodlezoop says

    What a sad, small way to treat your child. I’m so sorry.

    I hope that you’re doing OK more than you’re not, but if you’re not, well…I hope it helps a little to know that other people care about you, and that those people can see where the problem lies (hint: it’s absolutely nothing to do with you). And thank you for sharing – that’s very generous of you.

    If there’s anything useful that a distant Internet stranger could do to help, please feel free to bring it up.

  14. says

    So sorry to hear this, and I hope your father will change his mind. As Greg said, you did nothing wrong, and as Aratina said, this is a terrible thing for a father to do to his child.

  15. Sri says

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. And I offer you a virtual hug – the internet currency of support.

  16. kittybrat says

    I am glad you wrote this. I do feel so sad for what you are going through. Your boyfriend must also have some mixed feelings going on, and I am sad for both of you. Your father has made his choice, but he may come around some day. He may not.

    My mother and father always told me not to marry or even date out of race. Imagine my surprise when Dad yelled at a man who came to get me on a date… he was white, and so am I! But, as my dad said, “he’s a JEW!”. Wow. So much for my getting any of this racism stuff. The only race is the human race, and even children know this. Racism is a learned and horrible manifestation of fear and hatred. This has just cost you your father.

    I hope you embrace all the love you can, Dear. Live your life as you know you should, grab that happiness and hold on!

  17. says

    I’m just another one who is chiming in to say, this isn’t about you. This is about him.

    But I know how much this must hurt. Last year, after many years of being an out atheist, but not a belligerent one, my mother decided that she could no longer accept a Christmas gift from me. Because she couldn’t accept one from “an atheist.” Well, the gift was already on its way and headed to her home. She refused delivery and the rejection emails I received from Amazon were like salt in my already raw wounds. Our relationship is nearly non-existent because of this. I still don’t understand it. Neither does my husband, my daughter, or just about anyone else who hears this story.

    How some parents can be so selfish as to wound their children so cruelly is something I will never understand, but I just wanted to let you know that even though we only know each other through Facebook, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there, and keep on loving the people who love you.

  18. says

    I’ve seen these pronouncements before. Sometimes they last, often they don’t.

    If you have children together, my guess is that there will be a reconciliation.

    But you have to steel yourself to the possibility that it’s quite literally “over” between the two of you.

    Many years ago, I accompanied my wife and her parents to their “ancestral” hometown of Johnstown, PA for some holiday or another. First time I had been there; first time back in many years for them. It was quite fun, because both my in-laws were from very large families (Polish Catholic).

    But we were coming out of the local mall and coming the opposite direction was a man who was quite literally the spitting image of my father-in-law. He took one look at Joe, had a flash of recognition that almost looked like happiness, then put his head down and looked away.

    It was one of Joe’s many brothers, who had “disowned” him over some small slight decades ago. Joe didn’t even remember what the argument was about. But the grudge was still there.

    It was about the saddest thing I had ever seen.

    I guess the point is that these things can be over darn near anything. Religion, race, gender, politics, who got to date the cute girl next door — anything. The only thing you can do is keep your own head held up high and remember that is not about you — it’s about him and his unreasoned and unreasonable attitude.

  19. MikeMa says

    By any moral sense, your father is in error. His loss will be incalculable as he continues to build his righteous wall of indignation and hate. The foundation of that wall is racist evil. It will fail him if he lives long enough. In fact it has already failed but he does not yet know it.

    It is a terrible loss and I am sorry you need to suffer it.

  20. daenyx says

    This is definitely the sort of thing you don’t expect to happen in 2012.

    I’m so sorry you have to go through that shit, and thank you for reminding us that the problem is still much bigger than some of us may think.

  21. says

    I’m so sorry to hear about this. Please know it is not in any way your fault. It is your father’s problem and he will have to deal with it himself. Try to put him and his intolerance out of your mind. Easier said than done, I know, but until he’s ready to come around to you, that’s all that you can really do.

    I am in an interracial marriage myself (white/Filipina) with our first child on the way, and I know I’m lucky that I haven’t had to deal with this type of intolerance. I’m always happy when I see other interracial couples or multi-ethnic children because I have hope that this means my son will be less likely to face this type of thinking in the future as lines are blurred.

    Best of luck, and again, my sympathies.

  22. geocatherder says

    Another delurker here, just wanting to offer my sympathies. Parents can be screwed up in a whole lot of different ways, but most of us still grow up loving them… and of course this separation hurts a lot.

    It also doesn’t help that you can hope for reconciliation, and maybe never get it. That’s a continuing pain.

    I hope that your boyfriend’s family can help fill the void, and truly take you on as their daughter.

  23. Ashley F. Miller says

    Yeah, that was part of my point. It seems like it should be impossible for this sort of thing to happen to mainstream people (you know, not an isolated religious sect or anything) in the year 2012.

  24. Ashley F. Miller says

    Honestly, every comment of support I’ve gotten helps. It’s a reminder that I have a family of friends and supporters and readers who respect me for who I actually am, not who they want me to be.

  25. Amyc says

    Oh my god, I was grounded because my mom thought I was a lesbian! Of course, I’m bi, but I have never told her. I was grounded senior year after my mom found out that two of my girl friends were dating each other. She was mad, and thought I didn’t tell her so I could do the same thing. So she grounded me from hanging out with “certain people.” I’m just glad she never found out about the things I *actually* did.
    I wonder if this type of thing is common…

  26. Ashley F. Miller says

    That’s so embarrassingly stupid — I don’t understand how parents can do this and not even feel shitty or embarrassed at their behavior. It’s incomprehensible.

  27. Jeremy Shaffer says

    Offering my condolences as well.

    I don’t know what you are feeling right now but I have an idea. Years ago there was a “scandal” within my family as one of my cousin’s two daughters both married men outside of their race. Although I see the cousin every now and then at weddings and funerals and the like, I haven’t seen his daughters since sometime before this or his sons- in- law or grandchildren ever. My cousin has said that, while he didn’t really like it (given how he was raised) and he’s not quite sure if he ever will, he saw that his daughters were and still are happy and he wouldn’t do anything that would change that regardless of what the rest of the family thought.

    I learned of all this when my grandmother and one her sisters were talking about it. At the time I was dating a woman that was mixed- race. No on my dad’s side of the family had met her, mainly because I knew this would be a very possible reaction. She and I hadn’t been seeing each other too long so I didn’t know where it would go with her yet. I figured I’d wait to see; crossing that bridge when it became inevitable. Hearing my grandmother and great- aunt talking about it I “innocently” asked about dating someone of mixed- race. Surprisingly that apparently would have been worse though why was never articulated. I guess it was supposed to be so axiomatic that it shouldn’t have needed to be put into words.

    I undoubtedly would have been in the same situation as you and my cousin’s family are but she and I broke up within the year, one reason is that she knew how my dad’s family would have reacted to us and she didn’t want to put me in a position where I had to make that choice. I tried explaining that it wouldn’t have been her putting me in that position but them. Even then they wouldn’t have been making me choose anything since they would have already made the choice.

  28. carlie says

    Just another random internet commenter here; this ripped my heart out. I hope your dad finds it in him to change, and that you are able to process this however you need to without a lot of people butting in to tell you how you should react or feel.

  29. Anon. says

    Um… wow. I can only describe this as *shocking*.

    “I don’t even think I have any insight to add to this other than the following: This still happens in 2012 in the United States.”

    My father, born in the 1930s, was the product of a mixed marriage (Anglo-descended/East Asian). *His* mother had her citizenship revoked for violating the miscegenation laws.

    Your father is roughly a decade younger than mine. I, being from the background I am, associate racist attitudes like your father’s with my *great-grandfather’s* generation, the 1870s.

    Intellectually I knew it was still going on in force in the 1960s. But it’s happening to you in 2012! I cannot imagine how I’d react to that.

    As others have said, that’s just horrible.

  30. AG says

    Lurking reader delurking to offer sympathies — what a horrible situation, what a strange thing to experience in this century. (And what a tremendous piece of writing, oh my yes.) As Pipenta elegantly put it, this is your father’s self-constructed cage and not your fault; that doesn’t negate your grieving process, but I hope it helps on other levels. All the best to you and your beau. Be kind to each other as you process this turn of events.

  31. mattmalicki says

    Random internet reader…just wanted to pass along my sympathies. My mom disowned me when I was 14 for…well, for being a teenager. I came to realize that her actions reflected on her, and not on me. I hope you come to the same conclusion, and more importantly, that brings you a touch of comfort.

  32. On the road says

    I don’t normally go anonymous, but when I talk about my family I feel like it’s the right thing to do (for *me*; I don’t judge this choice for other people, especially when I comment on their blogs).

    My mom is also “old-fashioned” in a pretty distasteful way and I talk about it with my wife every so often. My wife is the same color as I am, but I often wonder what would have happened had I dated someone who wasn’t.

    I remember one time my sister went on a date with an Asian guy and as soon as his car pulled away she muttered something about “not wanting Asian grandkids.” I was hoping that her racism would have mellowed over the years but it has only become more entrenched and I am fairly certain that she tempers what she says around my sister and me. Racist “observations” still sneak through every now and again and I realize that her worldview will not crack a micron.

    When I think about the dialogs that I would have had with a black girlfriend my stomach turns. “What, I’m not good enough to bring home to your family?” “It’s my mom that’s not good enough for you.”

    Had things been different, had I ended up living my life with someone who was a different color than me, I can’t imagine the fallout. My mom probably would not have been so stubborn as your dad, but I would still be living with all the racist comments, perhaps about children I would have had. I may have had to “disown” my mother had that happened.

    I would bet that the same thing holds true for my mom too — that it would be better had I run someone over and gone to jail than brought home a girlfriend with a different shade of skin.

    But I also know how you feel. This is why I’m writing this anonymously. Because she’s still *my mom*. I still love her, I still care for her, I don’t want to hurt her, and want her to know her grandkids (when I have them).

    I can imagine the heartache that you’re going through now, and I’m glad that I never had to suffer it. Thanks for being so open about it — I hope I can someday too.

  33. Martha says

    Ashley, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I suppose your father has a right to put himself in a cage, as others have said, but he does not have a moral right to hurt you in this way. Not even if his reason were not in itself despicable.

    My family is also Southern. My grandmother threw a fit, practically frothing at the mouth, when Obama was elected. There is no doubt that her racism is ugly, but she is a remarkable woman in many ways, and I still love her.

    I hope that your father will find the grace and courage to reverse this terrible decision. In the meantime (and even thereafter), I wish you strength, the warmth of community and love, and, eventually, peace.

  34. says

    I am sorry for your loss, and I know that you have to work through it. I was born a few years after the Loving decision to an Asian mother and white father. Despite that, most of my family on both sides didn’t approve of dating African Americans. However, society has progressed to the point where women have options other than marriage, staying with family, or wages you could barely survive on. I was on my own, so mainly I experienced disapproving glances and gossip behind my back. I have also experienced this firsthand in relationships where the parents wished I was white. I am half-white, but you can’t explain that to them because I don’t look white. It is hard sometimes for me to remind myself I didn’t do anything to cause the way they feel. Thankfully, that is something that is dying off.

    Maybe you already know that you may be mourning the relationship you might have had if it wasn’t permanently broken. don’t be too hard on yourself, and enjoy your life with your loved one.

  35. Your Dogma is Showing says

    +1 on Greg Laden’s comments as well as all of the other supportive ones. Ultimately your father is going to have to live with the fact that he’s abandoned his daughter because he is a racist.

    If he’s able to reconcile that fact with his conscience (I cannot, for the life of me, imagine what my daughter would have to do to warrant such treatment- but it would have to be effing HORRIFIC) then he doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life. Sad.

    Here’s hoping he grows up before he misses out on something more important than the perpetuation of hateful ideas.

  36. says

    Ashley, this sucks and I’m sorry.

    It’s especially sad given that you gave your dad a chance to be a better person than people told you to expect of him.

    Also seconding what was said upthread about the ookiness of his forbidding your stepmother to meet you.

    May the love you and your sweetheart share go a long way toward healing this unnecessary hurt.

  37. jackiepaper says

    I lost a big chunk of my family for similar reasons. Keep heart. It may not feel that way now, but you are better off. Grieve. Don’t spend too much time trying to understand. It will never make sense.
    Losing my family caused a strange and wonderful unraveling for me. I had worked so hard to maintain relationships that were in no way making me happy. Once the family was gone, it was difficult to rationalize the rest. Eventually, I hope to get hell and gone from the south altogether. It keeps getting better. I hope you’ll feel better soon too.

  38. Priskangel says

    Yes, racism is alive and well. As a black female I have experienced being called the N- word while walking down the streets of Charleston, SC. I have been denied access to places because of the color of my skin in Rock Hill, SC. I am a 27 year old mother afraid to travel without my white husband because I am still worried I will walk into the wrong gas station and be lynched. It’s no fun realizing the people we are related to hold such bigoted beliefs. At least subsequent generations seem to be more enlightened.

  39. smhll says

    As a gay rights activist, I’ve always struggled with the idea that there are people in society who think it is appropriate to punish someone for being in love. Love is the most beautiful thing humans can experience, there’s simply no reason to deny it to anyone.

    This part of what you wrote is particularly beautiful. I am saddened by your story, especially because I have always felt that the complete unreasonableness of old laws about interracial marriage is the best argument in favor or gay marriage, i.e. the government has no business restricting people’s choice of marriage partner. And I have the (sadly wrong) expectation that all people would find my argument compelling.

  40. Doug says

    Hi Ashley,

    I went through a similar situation in 1983 when I met my future wife, who is African-American. My mother was from the deep south (Oklahoma). Many of her extended family members were in the Ku Klux Klan when she was growing up in the 30’s and 40’s, so she was very unhappy when my future wife and I started dating. She cried when we became engaged. My father wasn’t much better. They both refused to meet my fiance until a few days before our wedding in 1985. I do have to give them credit that they did attend and didn’t disown me. Once they got to know my wife they came to realize that she was a good person, but their attitude really changed once the first grand child was born.

    Both of my parents came to love and adore my wife. They appoligized to her for they way they treated her at first. They both say that she is the best daughter-in-law that anyone could have hoped for.

    My point is that I know it is painful now, but follow your heart and don’t let anyone else dictate who you love. Your father loves you, even if he doesn’t realize it now. Keep him in your life by telling him what you are doing, even if he doesn’t respond. Eventually, he will realize what he is missing. I suspect that he will respond the same as my parents and realize the mistake he has made.

    Good luck.

  41. Amanda says

    Thank you for sharing your story. Coincidentally, as I was reading this a student came in to discuss her paper (for my Freshman Composition class) and her topic is interracial relationships. She will be using your article as a source for her paper (properly cited, of course).

  42. Ashley F. Miller says

    It’s hard to believe that things like what happened to you before I was born are still happening. Thank you for your story, it gives me some hope. Though I don’t know that they’ll be able to forgive my writing about it.

  43. says

    When I was 16, my mother grounded me for 3 MONTHS for having a boyfriend that she didn’t like. She didn’t have any specific reason for not liking him, just was mad because I didn’t ask her permission to date anyone. So, feeling like her behavior was completely irrational and downright childish, I continued to date him. So she came up with this thing, I wish I was making this up, but she went around telling all of our family and friends that I was dating a boy that she thought might actually be her half-brother, and that she didn’t want me to date him because it was disgusting. Her reason for saying that he may be her half-brother? He had acne.

    Now, moving on from my mother and her craziness, she spent the first 3 years of this relationship hating his guts. Eventually, she got over it, and the support from other family and friends convinced her that there was nothing wrong with him. No matter how angry your father is, and how resolute he may sound, his life is not over yet. As long as he is still alive, this battle is not over. You still have time to change his mind. Keep trying, and don’t bow down to his word that he will never speak to you again. Even if he won’t speak to you, you are still able to speak to him. And unless he sticks his fingers in his ears and says lalala, he WILL hear you. Just give it some time.

  44. anthonyindovina says

    So sorry. That’s all I can say.

    (FWIW, love your ukelele music. It makes me smile.)

  45. Emma S. says

    Hi Ashley,

    It’s funny that you mention joining an illustrious club – I think you’ll be surprised to find more of us than you probably would guess. I am so sorry that you’re joining us, however, welcome to the fold, and I hope knowing that you aren’t alone helps somewhat. It helped me when I was first estranged, so I hope you can look back as I have 4 years later,and see how your life is still a great accomplishment despite your dad’s disapproval.

    I’m glad to see you connected with Bridget Gaudette, lovely lady that she is. She’s been on our path longer, and she is wonderful.

    Warmly,
    Emma S.

  46. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    Ashley:
    Oh my fucking god.
    I am so sorry. I can’t fathom how a parent could do such a thing to their child. That you have found someone who you enjoy being with, who excites you, who stimulates you on multiple levels and who feels the same about you should be cause for joy.
    My deepest sympathies.

  47. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Here is hoping that your father has the integrity to realize that he is allowing a learned behavior the trump a long term relationship. If he does, he will have earned the right to be back in your life. If not, as much as it hurts, you are better off. Better to have a decent person who supports you than to bent backwards to keep a toxic person.

    Good luck. I hope your father comes to his senses. If not, you are better off in the long run. I also hope your step mother realizes how wrong it is that she allows her husband to decide who she can associate with.

  48. eric says

    My sincere condolences. Hopefully he will come back to you.

    Nothing like this has happened to me, but I remember experiencing a similar “did it just become the 1970’s?” moment when my wife was pregnant. We went went in to find out the sex of our baby. After telling us, the nurse looked incredibly relieved. We asked why.

    Turns out, she hated this part of her job and had tons of horror stories. Pregnant women crying and sobbing when they found out they were having a girl. Men storming out of the room. Men screaming at their pregnant wife, or screaming at her. Pregnant women refusing to speak to her or acknowledge her, and having to be bodily removed from the room. And so on, and so on, and so on. My wife and I just stared in bafflement as she told us all this. I think the conversation was somewhat cathartic for her (the nurse) – she was happy to have a normal couple to talk about it to.

    How could any parent react that way?

    How could any parent react this way?

  49. says

    I wanted to add yet another iteration of “you’ve done nothing wrong” to these comments. It’s obvious and I’m sure you know it but I know how difficult it is to love someone who is completely unreasonable and bigoted without sometimes blaming yourself. It is difficult to let go of the guilt and the “what ifs” on an emotional level no matter how illogical they are.

    Don’t blame yourself for triggering your father’s reaction. There was absolutely nothing you could have done that would have changed his reaction and it is not your duty to dance around trying to avoid other peoples’ warped reactions anyway.

    I’m sorry for your loss.

  50. Crip Dyke, MQ, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden says

    I’m reading this on Dec 3rd – the birthday of the father that has disowned me.

    You say you don’t know anyone disowned by a non-religious parent: well, now you know me. My father isn’t necessarily entirely non-religious, but he was never very religious. He considered religions just paths to help get in touch with humanity and humans. Though he certainly believed in the sacred, he didn’t necessarily believe in the divine. I never, growing up, got the impression that he cared whether or not I believed in a god, though he did care about my ability to perceive and value beauty and connection.

    It’s true that I don’t have a clue what role religion has played in his life the last 15 years, but at the time I was disowned all of the above was still true.

    In my case, it wasn’t about race. It was about gender. As soon as I came out, he had a foot out the door. He made one more visit to me to “have a talk” and then he was gone.

    There were other factors. He thought I was melodramatic and, I think, really, truly believed that coming out was a phase and a ploy for attention. There was long standing guilt on his part that he didn’t protect me from some abuse I suffered as a child. He thought that meant that there must be long standing anger on my part, that maybe some of what I had done along the way in growing up was designed to hurt him for not protecting me. Not true, but his assumption likely played a role in his decision.

    I’m sure your father doesn’t see this as a single issue. The talk about bending, etc. The certainty that there have been no compromises on your side, no effort on your part to consider or protect his feelings. But as gender was for my dad, race is for yours.

    I wish I could offer some hope. More than 15 years on, my dad still won’t speak to me. He wrote a note to me when I married saying, “Sorry I won’t be there – don’t use your childhood as an example for your children.” His enthusiastic congratuations were ever so palpable. I haven’t heard is voice in many years. I haven’t seen his face since 1999 or 2000, whenever it was my sister got married. I haven’t hugged him or held his hand since 1995.

    Maybe your dad will come around. I was certain mine would. Heck, it’s still possible. But somehow, in his world, losing a child has been worth maintaining his view of the world.

    I don’t pretend to know how that’s possible, but it happens to more people than just your dad. If you ever want to chat to someone who has gone through something like what you are experiencing, you can always e-mail me. If you think that might help, just drop a note here and I’ll e-mail you my contact info.

    Best of luck finding a way to harmonize ukelele with guitar…

    crip dyke

  51. Brownian says

    I’m so sorry, Ashley. I’m glad for you and your boyfriend, I’m just sorry that your father chose hate over love.

  52. says

    How sad. I’m married to a Filipina and our two children are mixed race. The only kind of people I don’t want my daughter to marry are celebrities and wealthy Arabs from the Gulf.

  53. Nepenthe says

    Wow… that’s just… wow. I am so sorry, mostly for your dad who is apparently a huge jerk.

    Look! It’s the world’s cutest kitten come to cheer you up.

  54. dysomniak, darwinian socialist says

    I don’t even know what to say. I cried reading this. I can hardly believe there are still such backwards people in the world, and I am so sorry that one of them is your father.

  55. Brownian says

    I’m so sorry for you and everyone else who’s had to deal with this kind of thing as well.

    While I’ve never actually been disowned my parents, they’ve cut off contact with me at various times throughout my life, usually for the most marginal of slights.
    I hadn’t seen my father in at least the last four or five years preceding his death. My mother has cut me off again, most likely because she sees me as ‘siding with’ my sisters, with whom she has disowned.

    I’ve come to realise that any sort of real relationship with my parents would come with negatives that far outweighed any positives, barring them changing in some substantial ways. That won’t happen with my now-deceased father, and it’s highly unlikely my mother will undertake such a transformation either.

    And it’s extremely sad.

  56. jaranath says

    I hope time works on your father’s conscience. I’m sorry you have to face this.

    This sense of “I can’t believe this is happening today, now, to ME” is familiar to me too, but so much milder. I can’t imagine how much tougher this is for you.

  57. mnb0 says

    This probably isn’t going to be much comfort, but still I’d like to tell you two things.
    1) You’re not alone. My mother hasn’t spoken to me for 20 years and denies my existence until today mainly because I refused to reject my late father, who was gay. I have lived with him and his partner for 6 years.
    2) There is at least one society where interracial love is normal: Suriname, where I live.

    I wish you all strength you need.

  58. ritapita says

    This is so sad. Your father is denying himself the joy of having a relationship with you, his daughter, based on the skin color of your boyfriend. I am so sorry. I’m sure his intent was not to hurt you, but he is also hurting himself. It will take a while for him to realize that. Back in the day, (overt) racism was very commonplace and ingrained in white culture. It can be very hard for some people to ‘unlearn’. Hang in there, hopefully given time he will be more accepting. (And, yes he is acting like a huge jerk, but I have a feeling that he doesn’t realize it yet.)

  59. Itchy Brother says

    If I were you, I’d send my parents the Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner DVD for Christmas.

  60. hexidecima says

    I hit submit too soon. The pure cowardice and hatred your father and stepmother have are amazing. Telling you “after” Thanksgiving, gee, how gutless can they be.

  61. Fred Salvador - The Public Sucks; Fuck Hope says

    It’s always horrendous when someone you’re related to turns out to be a giant fuckmoron. It’s completely unfair, because it hurts, and because you have to deal – emotionally and physically – with the consequences of their fuckmoronic nonsense even though you’ve done nothing wrong.

    What you have to realise is that that’s exactly the point. People like your dad do this shit because they know it will hurt you. You have defied him, so he’s going to get you for it.

    Seriously… He ‘forbade’ your mother from seeing you in person? Forbade, in this day and age. What the actual fuck?

    I’d also ask your mum what she was thinking when she fed you that old “you KNEW how he’d react!” line – what is she expecting you to do, curtail your behaviour in deference to bigotry? Fuck that shit.

    tl;dr: Don’t, under any circumstances, assume responsibility for this. It will hurt, and it will be difficult, but this is neither your fault nor your problem – it’s your dad’s bullshit, and he’s the one who has to settle it, not you. If he loves you, he will do just that. If he doesn’t do that… fuck him.

    Best wishes,

    Someone who has been in this position and didn’t take his own advice.

  62. Rodney Nelson says

    Your father loves his racism more than he loves his daughter. That says nothing against you but a whole lot against him.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. You have my sympathy and my respect.

  63. says

    This so much. Far too many of my friends and associates have had this happen, most recently my roommate (AFAICT because she has mental health issues and is unemployed). You have my sincerest condolences, and yet another reassurance that the problem is his.

  64. Nakkustoppeli says

    For Ashley, whom I don’t know: Condolences. Maybe some day your father will understand, maybe not. But someone somewhere must have read what you wrote and rethought some of their bigotry. Many have had their eyes opened to bigotry.

    There is no wrong in what you did.

  65. zb24601 says

    My niece (who is white) has three wonderful children, fathered by black men. Many years ago, we went to visit relatives in West Virginia, and took the oldest child with us. She was about 5 years old then. One afternoon, she went outside to play. When she wanted to come back in, she found out she had locked herself out. She knocked on the door, but no one inside heard her. She sat down and started to cry. The man across the street saw that something was wrong and came over to help. He reassured her that she would be alright and he took her around to the back door and knocked. We were able to hear his knocking, since it was louder and on a door closer to where we were.

    The next year when we visited again, my cousin told us that the man’s daughter had married a black man and he had disowned her. Doing so had caused problems between him and his wife, and they had separated. But after seeing us interact with my great-niece, how we loved her, it made him think about his situation. He realized he was wrong, and that he shouldn’t push the people in his life away over something like that. He got back together with his wife and daughter and fully accepts his son-in-law now.

    I hope your father sees the error of his ways, and when he does, I hope you can have a good relationship with him after that.

  66. barbrykost says

    Thirty years ago I told my daughter that she should never marry a Southerner. I grew up there and knew the type. She joined the navy, married a Virginian, converted to Christianity and settled down in Florida. Fortunately, I accepted my son-in-law and he accepted a liberal, atheist, vegetarian mother-in-law.
    Their younger son is dating a mixed-race girl whose white grandfather was arrested in Alabama in 1967 because he was married to a black woman and they had a daughter.
    I am sorry that my view on some Southern men is still true, I am glad I was wrong about my daughter’s choice, and I am glad my grandson is in love.
    I hope your father learns the error of his ways, but if not, I hope you enjoy the loves you find.

  67. adobo says

    You are a lovely human being! I hope there are more people like you. As for your Dad and if you’re into revenge, why not give him a nice gift. Like a Lady Gaga record “Born This Way”. Or perhaps, a nice big 9 inch black dildo with realistic looks. Preferably ones that were cast from real life porn actors. You know the ones with the veins and all that. It will keep giving your Dad something to think about. Every moment of every day!! ;)

  68. Pandula says

    Once upon a time I was driving with a boyfriend to southern California for a vacation. It was a long trip and somewhere along the line I mentioned that I had had a black boyfriend. He freaked out–truly freaked out. He was from the south (Florida), well educated, from a good family, had never showed a single sign of being a redneck racist, but suddenly that is what he was. I grew up in Oregon raised by parents in a completely non-racist family. So I truly could not understand what was so horrifying to him. He really was on the verge of ending the vacation right then and there, and I guess breaking up with me. wow, I made sure not to bring that topic up again!

    Men are dumb.

  69. Pandula says

    OK, that was uncalled for, but I can’t recall ever hearing of a woman having such a weird reaction about race or sexual orientation.

  70. says

    But I’m going to stand by my husband, just as you some day, if you get married, will stand by yours.

    very no. sounds like their ideas about marriage/wvies are as advanced as their ideas about interracial dating.

  71. lclane2 says

    My father was raised in the south (Greensboro NC.) I don’t remember him saying anything positive about blacks until I was in grad school. The half time for recovering from racial prejudice I estimate to be at least a decade. Confronting is the start. Your father has finally confronted. Let’s hope his recovery is on the faster side.

    If you ever need anything in Nebraska let me know.

  72. Maria Ann says

    Oh I ache for you! This is mainly because this kind of thing was often dreaded by me (my own father is against interracial marriages, gay marriage, etc) but I was lucky enough to fall for someone that was white and male. So it’s all too close. (Even without that I wonder every day if my liberal stances are going to cause him to cut ties or reject me.)

    I hope you are able to find peace with this and know that it’s not your fault in anyway.

  73. dianne says

    I’m sorry this happened to you!

    I admit, some part of me wants to say “good riddance” and feels that your father is doing you a favor by cutting you out of his toxic belief system. But I know it still hurts.

    But ultimately, he’s the one who loses more. He may lose not just you, but also your children (especially if things do work out with this boyfriend). If he wants to sulk in the corner, there’s not much you can do but let him, really. He’ll either come out in time or not.

    Many internet hugs to you!

  74. Dana Hunter says

    *hugs* if you want them. This is so sad. I hope your dad does some hard thinking and realizes his hate isn’t worth losing his daughter over. Never forget this isn’t your fault. And thank you for writing this, because people need to realize this shit isn’t safely in our past.

    I’m glad you found someone wonderful. Are you going to post those duets?

  75. nurseingrid says

    Oh, Ashley. I am so sorry to hear this. Thank you for being the brave badass that you are. You bring so much to this movement, and you deserve better than this. I am so proud to know you. Wishing you and your boyfriend all the happiness, and seconding all the virtual hugs above.

    And thanks to everyone else for sharing their stories. Yeah, I can’t believe this is 2012 either.

  76. marcus says

    Congratulations Ashley on finding the person you love. That’s really all that matters. My father did the same thing to my sister for the same reason. His fucking loss, too bad. You’re probably better off.

  77. throwaway says

    I’ve not been totally disowned yet, but very recently after discussing my lack of faith with my mother she said, sobbing, “I just don’t know where I went wrong…” and “Your brother would never do this to his family.” He’s dead and I was there when it happened. She knows I struggle with it, even to mention his name brings it all back. Total asshole move on her part. But she thinks it’s simply tit for tat. If it comes to the disowning stage, which is a desperate attempt to get me to be exactly what she wants, I’ll make it known all the abuse she has put me through emotionally and disown her as well. Sick and tired of guilt-tripping and victim-playing.

    As for coping… I don’t know that I do cope with it. It’s a permanent nagging that I can’t get rid of. Ultimately I’d be better off without her in my life and that makes me so damn sad to say it. It won’t be an easy decision for me to make if it comes to ignoring her completely, which comes with its own type of baggage. I hate being up against the wall like this. I would actually feel some relief if she did disown me.

  78. sherrilstewart says

    It is his problem not yours, but it hurts anyway to be shunned by your own parent. I had a monster for a father and left home at 16 to get away. I had nightmares every night and when a man walked behind me I cringed for years after. I only felt safe after he died 30 years later from alcoholism. I, too, wondered what it would be like to have a father that loved me. I have a good, loving husband and grandchildren that have wonderful, loving fathers. I somehow made it out okay. I hope time will help disappear the hurt you feel today.

  79. PaulE says

    Ummm…so, I guess you missed all of the previous posts regarding mothers disowning sons and daughters.

  80. Bjarte Foshaug says

    If you are only prepared to accept your own child on the condition that (s)he shares your prejudices, your biases, or your bigotry, you are a bad parent in every possible universe.

  81. carpenterman says

    Ah, Ashley, I’m so sorry. To be rejected by a loved one is one of the worst pains there is. (Believe me, I know.) The Bible gets almost everything wrong, but when it speaks of the sins of the father being visited on the children, well, that part they got right. Unfortunately.
    Stay strong, Miss Miller. Take what comfort you can from your friends, your boyfriend, and the rest of your family. And take as much time as you need to grieve.

  82. sheila says

    [[[[[[[[[[((((((((((Ashley))))))))))]]]]]]]]]]
    [[[[[[[[[[((((((((((Priskangel))))))))))]]]]]]]]]]
    [[[[[[[[[[((((((((((Crip Dyke
    [[[[[[[[[[((((((((((All the people with similar stories that I missed))))))))))]]]]]]]]]]

    Let me join the chorus. This is NOT your fault.

  83. Niles says

    Us privileged paleskins when we live so isolated in pocket communities we don’t realize our kin are such outsize bigots.

    I grew up 1970s rural, went to big city as teener but took scifigeek friends home to the farm on visits. Dadkin yanked me aside one visit and gasped I didn’t tell him my amigo was black. I baffled at him that I didn’t know it mattered. Mentally, I was already grabbing the suitcase and driving us out of wtf-land not to return, but my bafflement visibly brought dad up short and he managed to find reality and his humanity.

    Irony, he and amigo spent rest of visit bonding over a warm engine but dad had to field entire shocked community phoning him over the dark face in town; getting a dose of his own medicine as he told them to piss off. Sadly, the real survivor of this crap is my compadre who had/has to swim through this insidious slimefest every day in big ways and small.

    I hope your amigo’s not suffering collateral pain and that you can grieve past the shunning, in partnered strength if it pleases you both. Your father disowned value and joy and potential, mutilating himself emotionally to tell himself it’s punishing you and uppity others for affronting a comfort zone more akin to a coffin. Maybe someday he’ll see it’s his loss.

  84. says

    This is so sad.

    My grandmother refused to talk to me, years ago, when I married a Mexican. She got over it when she visited my parents two years later and met my son; she adored him, and soo came to accept my husband.

    Years later, my son was dating a Chinese girl. Her mother refused to talk to him. A week before the wedding, she was telling her daughter there was still time; she could back out, break up and go out with a good Chinese boy. Again, two years later, everything was fine.

    This hurts like crazy, but there is hope for your father yet. Never despair.

  85. Pete P says

    This unfortunately is not uncommon, you have my sympathies. Having been confronted with a similar family situation all you can do is be civil and hope that the person comes around. In my case that happened but only when the parent was faced with their own mortality and fortunate was able to set things right 6 months before passing away. Stay close to your other loved ones and keep the lines of communications open.

  86. Lofty says

    Most people lose a parent to disease or accident. Losing one to bigotry is even sadder. I hope you will manage to cope and prosper even. New relationships, new friendships will come.

  87. Alex M Doubts Your Commitment to Sparkle Motion says

    So, evidently, the apple fell out of a tree on Planet Racist and somehow landed on Earth, where it is red and shiny and awesome. Because to say you “fell far from the tree” doesn’t really do it justice.

    Sorry you’re dealing with this, especially around the holidays. And I echo what’s already been said a dozen times: SO his problem, SO not yours.

    (But I get the feeling of “but he’s my dad”. Adults can be such butt factories sometimes.)

  88. wscott says

    My own father passed away a couple months ago. And as awful as that has been…honestly, I think you got the worse deal.

    FWIW most of my friends who were disowned at one time or another (for being gay, for not being a virgin, whatever) were eventually able to reconcile after a few years. I hope that’s the case for you & your dad. My only advice is to try and find a way to keep your mother in your life – don’t let his prejudice take her away from you as well!

    Sending all the sympathies,

  89. says

    Hey Ashley,

    Obviously there’s nothing that can be said to make up for what you’re going through, and there are already a number of voice of support who have spoken up before me, but I’m really sorry this happened to you. You have the majority of my sympathy, and next does your mother, but a little piece of it goes to your dad who has, through his own blinkered stupidity, lost a wonderful, articulate, strong, and fiercely intelligent daughter (who would, in a just world, make any father tear up with pride).

  90. subbie says

    Another person you’ve never met, and probably never will, whose heart broke a little when I read your story. Let me add my sympathies.

    I’d like to add something further, though. Perhaps more remarkable than your father’s bigotry is that you managed to avoid sharing those beliefs. Obviously I don’t know anything about how you were raised, but I’d guess that your father didn’t hide his racism from you. You apparently had the intelligence and love for humanity to see that he was wrong. That’s beautiful.

    I also hope that your father comes around and things work out well. But most importantly, take care of yourself.

  91. says

    I’m very sorry to hear about your father’s reaction. Gave you hugs on FB, but here’s another one I found in a drawer someplace *hugs*. Wish there was more to say or do.

  92. michaelpowers says

    When I was in high school, I rarely brought my dates home. We lived in a very diverse area, and it was even money as to whether the person I was dating at the time would be a person of color. Although I heard my father drop the N bomb on occasion, his was a racism borne of ignorance, rather than malice. In the end, he was able to admit, and learn from his mistakes. My mother, on the other hand…Well, malice was a bit of an understatement. There was no way I’d subject a girl I was interested in, to that.

    It’s hardly surprising. Her mother (my grandmother) was possibly the worst racist I ever met. They both had a way of speaking with such venom, that the hate was almost something one could see, and touch. I always had this urge, when hearing it, to curl up into a fetal position, hoping that it would end soon.

  93. jws1 says

    I guess I’m astronomically lucky; I’m an open atheist and my family (and extended family) are indifferent to this fact. I presume that if I was gay that they wouldn’t care about that either.

    I’m also guessing you, Ms. Miller, possess more than enough strength and integrity to overcome this personally devastating moment.

  94. says

    I too was disowned shortly after Thanksgiving by my Dad over something pretty lame. Not fun. Thank you for your post and I hope the remainder of the year goes a million times more smoothly.

  95. Alverant says

    I’m sorry to hear about how thick-headed your father is. The language used, “why don’t you bend” was uncalled for on his part. I hope he comes around because family is important.

    My brother got engaged last month. I haven’t met her yet (bad timing since he works on one coast and I’m in the middle) but she’s of a different race. I am SO happy our parents never mentioned it. They don’t care and neither do I. As long as my brother is happy and calls us on occasion, that’s all that matters.

    I’m going to email this blog post to my Dad and tell him how great he is. I wish you the best. Just don’t comprimise for his sake. His attitudes are backwards and there’s no excuse for what he did.

  96. says

    I’m so sorry this is happening to you right now.
    My own mum kicked me out last spring (ehm, I didn’t live there anymore, I have my own family)and it hurt so much I didn’t eat in a whole week.
    And it was the final straw in me realizing that although I can’t stop her from doing what she does, I can stop joining her.
    Your dad will do what he wants to do and maybe one day he’ll come around and notice that yes, it’s his choice to change things.

    And don’t feel guilty about your mum. You didn’t hurt her. I’m not saying don’t feel sad about it, because that’s compassion, but it’s not your fault.

  97. elpayaso says

    {your dad who has, through his own blinkered stupidity, lost a wonderful, articulate, strong, and fiercely intelligent daughter (who would, in a just world, make any father tear up with pride).}

    hogs* n good thoughts from yet another lurkin cynic. many others above said it all well, but Ian nails it. the irony is that you represent the person someone was talking about when he referred to judgment of others by the color of their character rather than physical attributes. you’re a wonderful person, keep marching along. Dad’s loss.

    *originally a typo but since it seems you’re already getting plenty of hugs, and hogs appear to be quite the desirable commodity on the sea floor, thought i’d send some of those instead!

  98. Geeka says

    My first love was a boy who happened to be mostly black with some japanese thrown in. We ran with the same group in high school. In all of these groups, he was the only one that could be tagged with diversity. He did in jest refer to himself as the whitest black man at the school.

    One day, after dating for months, he walked me to class, we exchanged a peck, and I walked into class. My teacher requested to see me after class and I got a lecture about ‘what would my family think’ about my behavior. I was confused. I told her that my mother knew I kissed my boyfriend. She then went on to ask if she knew he was different. Then I knew what her deal was. I kept on her about what did she mean different…that he was taller than me, or not in the same classes, or that he was older than me, or that he wasn’t from the same neighborhood. She wouldn’t say it, but we both knew that she thought we shouldn’t be dating because he was black and I wasn’t.

    Ridiculous. It’s all ridiculous. I judge people by their hearts, not by what they’re packaged in.

  99. Amy says

    “All the hugs” from me, too, for you and your beloved. I’m angry at your father but I feel sorry for him, too. Ditto your stepmother.

  100. fastlane says

    I can only tangentially relate to this, because I get the really bad parents second hand (mine were merely neglectful and I was a feral child..) from my in-laws, both racist, right wing, catholic, anti-immigration, narrow minded, short sighted….shall I go on?

    One of the many ironies is that they are a ‘mixed race marriage’ in that my mom-in-law is a first generation immigrant from the Phillipines. Oh, did I mention hypocritical?

    So this is like a car accident where the other driver is 100% at fault. It is completely not your fault, the other person is totally to blame, but it still causes pain.

    I’m glad these comments from total internet strangers seem to help, cuz it’s all we got, but there you have it.

    I do hope your dad can reconcile with you some day (not the other way around), but you’re the better person here.

  101. fastlane says

    I think at some level, they (and you’re dad) might feel stupid/bad about it, but simply can’t face their own inner demons. Denial is a powerful drug.

    On some level, he either feels that way, or he’s a coward to boot, without the guts to tell you himself. He’s afraid to face you. You should take some pride at least in that, though it provides little comfort, I suspect.

  102. Onamission5 says

    I’m really fucking sorry, Ashley. I don’t understand it either, nor do I know how to cope any better than you do. I am sorry that the joy you are experiencing in your budding relationship is tarnished by your father’s inability to grow as a person and his desire to put his bigotry over his child.

    Major hugs.

  103. changerofbits says

    I’m sorry, and I’m not trying to minimize the racial foundation of this, but your dad is acting like a manipulative toddler. Sounds like someone needs to set him down on their knee and explain basic human decency to him (your stepmom needs a timeout too, apparently). It is literally nauseating (among other medulla originating reactions) thinking about what he is doing.

    Ditto that it’s not your fault. You have my empathy in dealing with this…

    Shameless pontificating that has served me well: Be who you are and love finds a way.

  104. BCat70 says

    Gobsmacked- came this way via PZ link, and I am just flabbergasted.

    I have often feel that I escaped the Old South, and its various bigotries my moving to Big Sea ‘n Blue State country. The article was bad enough, but I could’ve used a ‘trigger alert’ for the comments (my Mom not Dad).

    I hope you and your boyfriend have the best of times together, however it eventually works out. As for your father and stepmother….

    Gobsmacked. Ill be pissed later, just gobsmacked.

  105. Brooke says

    I second the comment re: finding out your family member, who you love and respect, is a giant fuckmoron. Perfect way of saying it.
    In college, some friends who had recently started dating went through something similar. My one friend is biracial (b/w) and his girlfriend white. They are both brilliant engineers. When they started dating, her parents disowned her and put all of her stuff out on the lawn in plastic trash bags. This was 1996-ish, in Massachusetts. They ended up getting married. At their wedding my mom helped me be the behind the scenes person to do flowers, etc, because of course his parents weren’t there. They went out of the country on vacation so they could avoid it. Also they had told everyone else in her family that they would also disown anyone else who attended the wedding. Her grandmothers and the majority of her other relatives attended anyway. They have since had a baby and her family has come around.
    Fast forward to 2002 or so, my sister started dating a woman. My mother disowned her. She wrote my sister a letter that said ” the daughter I loved is dead.” My mother could not fathom how what she was doing was exactly the same thing as how my friends’ parents reacted. I was so angry at her we did not speak for a year. Anyway, sister dated the girlfriend for over 5 years. They broke up and she is now dating men. Somehow she forgave my mother for being a world class bigot and now their relationship is better, although my sister is still in therapy and affected deeply by it. By the way, my mother is only mildly religious, although she did freak on me when she found out I’m an atheist. Apparently it wasn’t enough for her to disown me. Or maybe she was just afraid if she did she wouldn’t get to see her only granddaughter anymore, who knows. She’s a freak.
    So, yes unfortunately hate is still alive and well. By the way, my mother’s view was how dare she do this to me, how dare she (my sister) hurt me like this. I’m guessing your dad can’t see past his own face right now. Shame on your step mother for enabling him.
    Hugs and peace to you through this painful time.

  106. DLC says

    That’s crummy to hear. There’s really no way to put it otherwise.
    I hope that in time your father sees reason, and climbs down out of the racist tree.

  107. jacobvfox says

    Wow, sad story and even more so given its current and not a memory of someone my age. I remember in 1975 when I was fifteen and my sister was sixteen we were sitting in the living room with my mother, and my sister asked if it was okay if she had a guy over the next evening for a while before they went out to a movie. After my mom said that was fine my sister then said the guy was black. My mom was unfazed as I knew she would be given she’d dated a black man for awhile a year a few years earlier. I also recall thinking my sister was a bit cooler for not being bothered by a date’s skin color which was how I had previously felt about my mom. We didn’t live in the south, which would have made this story much more unlikely, but it was in Spokane WA which was pretty much a large conservative “cow town” back then; and it’s still more racist and conservative than the cities of progressive and liberal western Washington where I live now.

    As much as I’m sad for Ashley I’m glad her story caused me to remember how cool my family was about race issues when I was growing up. And my mom’s two best friends are a gay couple who are getting married next month, and at 75 she’s thrilled to be going to their wedding and quite pleased to have voted for marriage equality for her friends.

  108. Jester700 says

    Just adding my voice to those noting that you’re in the right here and his is the greater loss. If your writing really reflects how you feel about your boyfriend, then in choosing him over your dad you got the better deal by far. Next chapter.

  109. AmandaJane says

    I’m sorry this happened to you. Parent’s are sometimes hardwired to use hard line tactics to swing us around to their way of thinking. Right, wrong or indifferent; it happens. This sounds like that ramped to the nth degree. The “Me or him” of it all astounds me but if I’ve learned anything in my mid length timeline it is that love, true love is something to be cherished, nurtured and treasured and is never easy. He should be relieved that his little girl found someone who loves her so much.

    All my best to you and your sweetheart. Long life to you both and I hope it is chock full of many, many happy memories.

    A

  110. Usernames are smart says

    Oh Ashley, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

    What’s really sad is your dad is descended from black folks himself! Yup, all those hominids running around on the Serengeti weren’t fair skinned, that’s for sure.

    My parents went through being a mixed couple in the south in the early sixties. This is the time (and place) where black males were lynched for daring to look at a white woman.

    I can’t say I know how you feel, but I can empathize with your boyfriend, because I was the guy whose girlfriend was afraid to introduce me to her Italian-American parents because Daddy wouldn’t approve of my ethnic heritage. I told her that if she was uncomfortable with the possibility that we would get “caught” then there was little point in continuing the relationship–I had too much self respect for myself to compromise something I couldn’t change,

  111. Peter the Mediocre says

    It’s very sad that your father cares more about his prejudices than about his daughter. If he doesn’t come around he will hurt himself far more than he will hurt you or your boyfriend. You can guess better than I whether he will decide to reconcile with you, but if he can’t come to grips with the idea that good people come in all colors it’s his problem. In any event, being honest with yourself is important; pretending to be someone you’re not to please your father (or anybody) would be a mistake. Someone who rejects you for being tolerant and honest is small loss, even though it’s painful.

  112. says

    I am so sorry. I have no idea what the hell I would do if my parents or one of them had reacted this way to my brown skinned girlfriend. It makes my stomach clench just thinking about it. And it makes me angry, very angry for you. It also makes me want to cry.

  113. says

    I am so sorry this has happened to you. It must be terribly difficult to resolve in ones mind loving them and having them do something this horrible to you, and what your father has done is horrible.

    You are not the only one, though. I’m sure if I were to start dating a person of another race (I’m married-so I don’t) my father would disown me too. He got all upset when I had a black friend in high school. I don’t live in the south. I live in the Pacific Northwest. Who knew?

    I hope that in time your father will realize how wrong he is and change his mind.

    Hugs.

  114. Jay S says

    Hang in there. We used to tell my father-in-law that people’s attitudes toward interracial relationships would change when his generation was dead. I stll believe that, but now there’s a twist.

    See, there have always been whispers that there was black “blood” on my wife’s mother’s side of the family, which was hotly denied. We always intended to go out to the places where the grandparents and great grandparents were born. The ancestry websites have made that redundant. We now know that not only was my wife’s grandmother at least half black, so was her grandfather. It even turns out that my wife’s great aunt was married to one of Detroit’s most ardent civil rights advocate and himself a black pastor.

    My wife’s mother & father are both deceased, and for some time too, so we don’t get to see whether their race attitudes would have mellowed. B ut there are aunts & uncles alive who are absolutely incensed that my wife is celebrating her untold past. They have reacted like your father, saying that they live in small town southern America, where this is just too far.

    We are in our mid to late 50s, and we decidedly feel that you should follow your heart. Your father has had his life, and while it is unfortunate, you should not stop living your life or feeling like you have to even justify all of the missteps you HAVEN’T made in your life.

    Who knows where this relationship will end up. I wish you both love and peace, hope and happiness. That your father is willing to cut you out of his life because of skin pigmentation is outrageous.

    BTW, our kids are both thrilled to find out that they are mixed race. At 30 or so years old, they are celebrating their family.

  115. mikecline says

    Ashley,

    Among the FtBlogs, I haven’t read yours as much, but will now. Thanks for sharing your story. Your dad needs to change, not you. Stay strong.

  116. bob smith says

    Sounds like you’ve been a rebellious PITA and watching you commit social suicide was too much for him. It’s hard to watch a loved one ruin their life. He wanted white grand kids to carry on his name and now you’ve broken his heart….you have to live with that. Sorry but all these liberal idiots commenting blowing smoke up your butt isn’t helping you deal with the reality of your actions….but it gives one a false fluffy warm reassurance. I guess you have to be an older white male to understand it. Liberalism is a disease.

  117. poxyhowzes says

    Hugs^n Ashley, if they’ll help.

    I was one of his few grandkids who interacted with my gramps on a daily basis, back in the dim, dark ages of McCarthyism. Gramps was the son-in-law of a methodist minister, the father of another one, the superintendent of the Sunday school at which gramps’ son, my father, taught me bible stories.

    I used to come home from high school, swing around the corner to gramps’ front porch and engage in discussions of the news of the day, which largely involved pitting my nascent liberalism against his ultra conservatism.

    Over time, gramps just seemed to give up on any real give and take, and those discussions lost first their edge and then their mettle until they petered out entirely.

    It was a couple of years or more further into my maturing before I realized what it was that had so dispirited gramps: it was his realization that whatever guidance he gave, whatever threats he made, however cogently he posited his points, however cleverly he argued, whether he shouted or whispered, whether he quoted scripture or cited satan — no matter what, gramps knew, I was growing up to become my own person. And he couldn’t stand that!

    Ashley, you have grown up to be your own person, and for the time being, at least, your father simply can’t stand it!

    I feel so sorry for him — his inability to see HIMSELF in you blinding him to seeing YOU in you.

  118. Tâlib Alttaawiil (طالب التاويل) says

    “I told him it didn’t matter to you, that all you cared about was that someone didn’t believe in God and nothing else. But he just can’t bend anymore. You knew this would be his reaction.”

    holy crap. dear christians,
    when you talk like this,
    you sound like assholes to us.

  119. Funkopolis says

    Yet another delurker offering support and hugs. And rage. This is all just cowardice on your dad’s part. Not just racism/xenophobia, but … he couldn’t even tell you himself? Or in person? I’m not quite up on my “Southern man”, but didn’t that species do it’s racism more or less in person (with the bravery of white-sheet hidden faces)? How ‘Southern’ is it to get your wife to confront a young woman for you? He’s gone from hiding behind sheets to hiding behind skirts. What’s more, hiding behind a telephone. Call him out on it. Tell him you’d rather have a boyfriend who’s black than a daddy who’s yeller.

    Sorry if that sounded sexist (and redneck stereotypy), but if it’s gonna be 1966 it should be 1966 all the way, dammit. Also, I play uke as well, so this is like messing with a bandmate. I have rage.

  120. Carlos Cabanita says

    I’ve followed your blog for some time but never commented. Now I feel I must say something.
    I’m a 59 years old Portuguese, with only a daughter of 31. Though I don’t own a thing of value for her to inherit, there is absolutely nothing that would make me disown my daughter. Nothing.
    I’m an atheist, living by common sense morality and I do the best I can. But for a man like your father who fears the judgment of the deity when he dies, what can he imagine to answer when asked “What did you do about the love of your daughter?”
    That will never happen, but his own judgment will come, when time passes and the gross injustice he knows he committed keeps on biting him.
    Maybe he’ll come to his senses, understand his own daughter is a star and disown Sara Palin.
    I’m tenderly sorry for your pain.
    I send also a tight hug to your BF, for the pain he must be suffering too.

  121. Gvlgeologist, FCD says

    Dammit, my comment vanished. If it appears, please feel free to delete either one of these. As near as I can remember, this is what I said:

    All I can say is that I echo the sentiments of the comments above. I don’t know you, of course, but I feel for you. I was estranged from my family for around a decade (at least not because of bigotry), and I hope your father gains the wisdom to change his mind.

    You are in my thoughts. Know at least that there are a large number of readers here who have your back.

  122. Nepenthe says

    Rereading this, it sounds sort of jerky so to clarify, I was attempting to make an unsuccessful word play with “feel sorry for” as in pity. Ashley, I pity your father and I sympathize with you.

    And hope you can get a proper comforting hug much like this one that this red panda is giving to her cub.

  123. Yoritomo says

    I’m late to the party, but I hope it’s not too late for another offer of hugs and condolences.

    I’m a blood-is-thicker-than-water kind of person, so I cannot understand at all why someone would disown a family member for anything short of willful cruelty.

  124. leni says

    Bob, I don’t know if you know this or not, but Jesus makes another bi-racial liberal every time an old white guy complains interracial dating.

    It’s true.

  125. Margaret says

    This isn’t your thing, it’s your father’s thing.

    This. And as well as not being your fault, it’s not your boyfriend’s fault. He did not cause your father to be a bigoted jerk, he merely revealed the fact. Cry over the loving father you never had (worse because you thought you did), but take joy in the loving relationship you are now in.

  126. Sally Z says

    Hey Ashley,

    I don’t even know what to say.

    “I am, in general, pretty much the opposite of a fuck up, and I sit here and wonder… would my father like me better if I’d gotten drunk and run someone over and been sent to jail and dropped out of school… and I think the answer is yes and I don’t know what to do about it.”

    That is so awful to consider, but… I doubt that it’s that he doesn’t *like* you but that… some things probably could fit into his worldview (e.g. alcoholic, teenage pregnancy, whatever) and, for some weird psychological hangup, an interracial relationship just… can’t.

    I hate that he’s not even trying. I can’t wrap my mind around not even trying. “I was admittedly worried he’d disapprove, but then he’d meet the boyfriend and like him and it would be fine.” <– Why wasn't it like this??? I can't imagine rejecting his own daughter – rejecting you – outright. It makes me… not even angry, it just makes me so sad. Devastated for you (even though I know you're so strong, it's still… it's got to just be awful) and I *pity* your father. How… warped… he must be, how… frightened… that he can't be courageous enough to face his issues and even *try* to hang onto a relationship with you. That is so sad I can't even be angry about it.

    (Didn't he threaten to disown you before, though? For your atheist/skeptic activism? How did he wind up coming around that time?)

    All that being said… At the same time, your boyfriend sounds awesome. "Passionate and open and honest to a fault." I really, really hope that this goes well for you, and I'm so happy for you that you have him in your life and so many other great people as well. I wish I could just pop over to Columbia and hang out some time (and meet your fella! and have a glass of wine with your mom – she is indeed awesome; I can't believe I've only met her one time).

    So… sad but happy. Let's go with happy.

  127. Annie T says

    I’m so very sorry to hear about your situation. Things can change though. My father had a similar reaction to my dating a black man in college (mid 1990’s), stating “Horses and cows don’t mate.” That relationship did not last and I moved on. My 1/2 Mexican son is now his favorite grandkid. Not saying your father will do the same, but old dogs can and do learn new tricks.

    More importantly, congratulations on finding a good friend to share life with. That is wonderful to hear about.

  128. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Want to know what gets tiring? People assuming that some one like bob smith has to be joking or committing a poe.

    The fact is this, there are thousands, maybe millions of people just in the US who think and act just like how bob smith writes. They are all around us. While it is good and cathartic to laugh at these people, it is foolish dismiss people like this. Doing so makes it appear that they have no impact when stories like what just happened to the owner of this blog shows otherwise.

  129. gabby27 says

    I’m so sorry that had to happen to you and your boyfriend, who by the way sounds like an awesome person; I literally went “Awww!” when I read that description of your relationship with him. It’s such a shame your father is too caught up in pointless hatred to see the beauty of your relationship. Like others have said, he’s an adult; he can’t blame this on his Southern heritage. He’s choosing to cling to hatred. You and your boyfriend have done absolutely NOTHIIIINNNNNGGGG wrong, and I hope someday he wises up and sees this.

  130. Kate Donovan says

    Wow. You are, in fact, a terrible person.

    It’s people like Ashley and the strength it takes to write about things like these that make me think that someday you’ll be a sad relic of a past time. Gives me hope and happiness, y’know, to think that there could be more people like her, and fewer like you.

  131. Ashley F. Miller says

    Yes, if the response of my father teaches anything it is that this behavior is not just the purview of internet trolls and poes :/

  132. says

    If the other option is you, it’s a disease I am glad is spreading. Don’t worry, you’ll always be useful as a bad example and figure for ridicule.

  133. Blueaussi says

    I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s difficult when anyone directs this kind of irrational hatred at you; but when it comes from a parent, well, it all gets tangled up in the irrationalities of that relationship. So, yeah, it sucks.

    More hugs offered.

  134. Uncle Ebeneezer says

    One great thing about finding the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with is that you realize that it really is just the two of you and then everybody else. Losing your parents sucks especially in such a cruel way and for such a ridiculous reason, but at the end of the day it will make the bond between you and your man even stronger.

    That said, your Dad is totally being an asshole and so is your mom. I’m sorry for the suffering they are causing. I can’t even imagine the sting. But their actions are morally depraved and that kind of shit just makes me sick to my stomach. I would have been tempted to simply respond to Mom with something like “Fuck you too.”

  135. says

    My parents emancipated me as a minor because they found me disappointing. If my experience is like yours, there’s some good news to be had: I found that it made me appreciate my friends and lovers more, because they chose to be with me. It was considerably more than I got from family. Having someone chose to be with me was like a gift given for the joy of it.

  136. STH says

    Sigh. I’m so sorry. I wish I could say and do more to help.

    My mother disowned me at age 19 (this would have been about 1983) when I moved in with my boyfriend; I’m sure the fact that I’m white and he’s Palestinian had something to do with it. I remember her crying and saying something about how SHE never would have done such a thing to HER mother. (What is it about parents thinking that everything you do is directed at them?) It took her about a year to un-disown me, but let me tell you this: she has grown so much in her tolerance since then. She was polite to that boyfriend for the 12 years we were together, bought him Xmas presents, the whole bit. And she loves my current boyfriend, though he can be a bit difficult and we are “living in sin.” And she’s become a supporter of gay marriage, though I remember her telling me years ago that being gay was a sign of a sick society. So people do change. Not always, but sometimes.

    I hope you have lots of people around you who love you the way you are and respect that you live your life your way. Give your honey a hug for me; he’s probably feeling terrible about this, too. All the best to both of you.

  137. says

    My mom, who was Mexican-american and married to my Anglo father, would tell me about how she could hear white women whisper “He married her” behind them.

  138. says

    Sorry to hear you are going through this. While my parents weren’t disowned by their parents, they put up with a lot of crap from the general public. I’m near 60, and I keep hoping this kind of attitude has died out. Sad to see it hasn’t yet.

  139. Shattenjager says

    I’m not surprised that things like this still happen, really. The town I grew up in was basically still stuck in the early 20th century, particularly when it comes to race.

    However, it’s still very sad. I cannot imagine how it would feel to have a parent do that to you, particularly over something as absurd as “mixing races.” Even knowing that it’s his problem and not yours is not going to stop it from hurting (or probably even lessen the hurt much).

    I’ve been a reader and Twitter follower for a while and I’ve never even read the comments here before, but I felt like I needed to say something as some sort of show of support.

  140. says

    Oh, don’t get me wrong. I think in all likelihood “bob smith” is most likely all-too-sincerely a total shit. It would just be a shame to let his shittiness poison this thread as much as he’d like for it to.

  141. Lutjens says

    I’m so sorry to hear about the stress you are experiencing over your father. Every child wants a good dad and it leaves a mark not to have one. My father was a terrible person and I’m 65 and still wish mine had been good.

    But the rest of your life may become so beautiful with the person you love that the hurt will recede into near nothingness. I’m as white as a person can be and when I married my wife, who is Black, she brought three children to our marriage. I only ever call them step-children to explain to those who can’t figure it out. We had a son, who is biracial, of course. My children have been eclectic in their marriage partners. One son married a Hmong woman and my grandchildren are 1/4 this, 1/4 that and 1/2 the other. Another son marrried a woman who was half white and half Filipino. She brought three children to their marriage and they had three together–the fractional permutations of these children are beyond my grasp.

    The other day we went to have Christmas card photos taken. There were seventeen of us, spanning four generations, and when I looked at the proofs, I saw one lucky snowball smiling from the middle of the diverse hues of people who loved one another.

    I hope you can have this and that you won’t let yourself be diverted by opinions that come from another century. If you have found the right partner for your life, don’t be put off by people who will be dead in a few years.

  142. ivy says

    Wow. Slow clap for Bob Smith. You poor poor man. Everyone around you is going to hell in a hand basket aren’t they? I mean, not that I would understand of course, since I’m not an “older white male”. Good thing. For the sake of human kind everywhere, I can only hope you are a dying breed.

  143. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    In an open forum like this, it is likely that bigots like bob smith are around. The hazards of an open forum.

    It can either be ignored of the person can be challenged.

    I am sorry, this is not meant as an attack. I am just tired that people will try to be dismissive of bigoted beliefs and actions, especially when we can see these things all around us.

  144. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    Doug:
    I found your story touching and inspiring.
    Thank you for sharing that with us.

  145. Marie the Bookwyrm says

    Reading your post, Ashley, I am absolutely gobsmacked! I’m sure many others have already said this, but ‘internet hugs’ to you and your guy. Here’s wishing the best for both of you.

  146. PDX_Greg says

    Whenever I hear of situations like this, it always reminds me of why we must be the best parents we can be to our own children.

    Ny heart breaks at the thought of your father’s unwillingness to look past his own unfounded biases and experience your happiness with you. I hope he comes around for your sake and especially for his.

    My wife has endured a 22-year excommunication from her father over his bitter unwillingness to accept her life choices. Besides denying himself the pleasure of a relationship with his only child, we now have two beautiful children, now 17 and 12, that he has denied himself the right to know and to share in their growing experience. My wife has thrived in his absence but I know it has left a shadow somewhere in her heart as it has in mine for her.

  147. athenamccrary says

    Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain, don’t have the courage to be as honest as you were with your dad but wanted you to know that you are loved and experiencing the type of connection you have is priceless. Continue to fight for it!

  148. Jess says

    I’m the child of a Holocaust survivor, a woman who survived because her father wasn’t Jewish and the Nazis never got around to the half-Jews in the Netherlands.

    As such, my family has always been open to us dating outside the faith. As for skin colour… My sister dated a man who was East Indian, I’ve dated men who were African-American, Mexican and Korean, and I have no recollection of my family ever making one word of comment other than “Are you happy?”, a fact for which I’ve always been grateful.

    That said… as a Jew, I have vivid memories of dating someone in college whose home I never saw, not once in our six months together. His Ukrainian Orthodox parents, you see, banned me from the house for being a Jew.

    Next boyfriend was from a French Catholic background; his parents did the same thing.

    I just don’t get it. I asked the same questions you did – wouldn’t they be happier their son was dating a girl who was a good student, editor of the school paper, respectful, adoring, who made them happy, never been arrested, no tats (hey, this was the late 80s/early 90s… :)) or weird piercings, didn’t do drugs, etc, but just happened to worship differently?

    Nope.

    I was blessed with a family that prioritizes their childrens’ happiness, and I am so, so sorry for you that you weren’t. One thing I know is that you will not make the same mistakes as the previous generation…

  149. uscjd2004 says

    Every meaningful advance of human civilization has been the direct result of liberal thought and action. If it’s a “disease,” then it is one well worth spreading. People like you, the self-styled “conservative,” see history’s long arc bending toward justice and set about to do your damnedest to stop it.

    How glad we all should be that stupid, backward, sinister old gasbags like you are dying off without being replaced.

  150. says

    I have three children. I can’t imagine how a parent can disown a child.

    Most definitely, it’s not you, its him.

    It’s very odd that he’s OK with divorce, which is forbidden in the New Testament, but can’t tolerate a ‘mixed’ relationship, which is not.

    I hope that with time he will come to see how foolish his prejudice is.

  151. Bill Perkins says

    Well, the Bob Smiths of the world can enjoy not ever having kids or grandkids in their lives if that’s their attitude about it. When does one become an “older” white male? I feel like I must be approaching that age, but don’t want my head to grow into my ass.

    Anyways, Ashley, I hope everyone ele’s support is some consolation and perhaps after some cooling off, your dad will come around.

  152. opposablethumbs says

    eric, that’s appalling. I apologise if this is impertinent, but would you mind saying which country this was happening in?

  153. Riptide says

    As a white male from North Carolina, I’ve seen the poisonous effects that these attitudes have on white families. I grew up hearing the ‘N’ word on a semi-daily basis, tossed around whenever black people were mentioned, and it was made tacitly obvious what the response could be were I to meet and fall in love with a black woman.

    The bigotry and religious chauvinism was too much for me. I got out, and I talk to my family a few times a year at best. Now I live in Canada, where most people aren’t even aware that such attitudes still exist. It’s not perfect, to be sure, but it really is orders of magnitude better up here.

  154. marismae says

    Another message of support from the corners of the FTB lurkatariat. My heart hurts for you, it really does. So many people here have echoed the same sentiment, but here is one more person who understands on a personal level what it’s like to be so at odds with a parent. It’s wonderful that you have so many people to support you, and terrible that you need to call on it.

    *lots of virtual hugs*

    I hope one day your father can see how wrong he is.

  155. Betty Miliano says

    I feel sad for you after reading your story.I also feel sorry for your Father, for he is a victim of the hate and bigotry that divides so many. You can not live your life to make someone else happy. Best of luck to you all. All you can do iz leave the door open….others can choose to walk through it….or not.

  156. opposablethumbs says

    Ashley, on the grounds that one can never have too many hugs I hope it’s OK for me to add a few more. I’m sorry your dad has behaved so incredibly badly in every possible way, and I hope you and your BF come through this as unscathed as possible. Whether or not your dad eventually realises what a sick, selfish, destructive and self-destructive thing he has done.

    As for the revolting Bob Smith, I think of course that he does a disservice to older white men by implying they’re all shits just like him. It’s not necessary to be an older white man to understand and agree with his position; it’s merely necessary to be a total arse.

  157. Gennyfer says

    I had an awful childhood due in part to a mentally ill parent. It is hard to reconcile the love I feel for my mother with the insane things she did. But, at 43yo I’ve come to really understand that she couldn’t help it. Her brain was wired differently than mine and nothing could change that. From what I am reading in brain research there is some evidence that the same can be said for this kind of thinking in your father. It helps me to allow myself to understand that I loved my (now deceased) mother even though she hurt me so much, knowing that she didn’t really hurt me, her mixed up mind did. If she was of sound mind… if your father was not the way he is… they wouldn’t be able to hurt the people they should love unconditionally.

  158. jeannieinpa says

    See if you can find that wonderful song from South Pacific: You’ve Got to be Carefully Taught.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJhRYYjHThI

    The hero who is French and has mixed race children has just been rejected by the woman he loves, a nurse from the southern states. She has recoiled from the idea that these children are his. So the hero asks an American sailor who sings this song.

  159. bob smith says

    Why would any white woman want to date a guy who hates your entire race for atrocities that occurred over a century and a half ago that they think you had something to do with, when in reality…did not? Make no mistake you liberal white morons….BLACKS DO NOT LIKE YOU, DO NOT LIKE YOU, and if you knew anything about them you would know that. 98% voted for Obama because he is black and for no other reason…that is racist, but of course with your white, guilt ridden, liberal double standard you are too stupid to see or admit that. Go ahead and dismiss what I say but when Ashley becomes a victim of their animalistic black rage, and she will, just remember I told you so. The road is littered with dead liberal white girls who thought it wouldn’t happen to them…you dumb fucks.

  160. jeffjeffjeff says

    Your dad is a dick. I’m always impressed when the children of bigots grow up to be open-minded people. You did good. He should be proud. He made a really foolish decision. He’s going to live with resentment and anger in stead of a daughter, now. His racism isn’t helping anyone, especially himself.

  161. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Thank you for coming back and doubling down on the hate that you spewed earlier.

  162. h. hanson says

    Sad. My partner of ten years has not spoken to his did for 30 years and he only lives in the next county. I’ve never met any of his family and I think it is very sad. I hope this does not happen to you and that your dad comes around.
    By the way, I really want to learn the ukulele.

  163. says

    Dear Racist…

    You may think people of colour are powered by nothing more than weird food and haterade, but sadly it’s just crisps and sunny D.

    The atrocities committed against black people didn’t stop a century and a half ago. It stopped in the 60s and 70s. Slowly… People still kept screwing with them. Things like Rodney King…

    Blacks if they are anything like brown people don’t like YOU. Because you are a racist. For the same reason we don’t like dogs that bite us.

    Most people voted for Obama because he was actually good. Otherwise they would have voted for Herman Cain.

    As for their animalistic rage? You are confusing black people with werewolves. An easy mistake to make. Both are at home on the basketball court and are masters of the slamdunk. The trick is body hair and the presence of a muzzle. Also? Werewolves howl at the moon and don’t like silver. A surreptitious trick is to throw a ball and see if they chase it. Do not do this at a sporting event. I feel this may be the reason as to why you think black people are the same as werewolves.

    Man is there nothing brown people cannot trouble shoot? I propose if Black People get animalistic rage as a racist superpower then I should get “Universal Troubleshooting” (Well there’s your problem!) as mine.

  164. bob smith says

    I realize facts and statistics are like kryptonite to blacks and guilt ridden whites but here’s just a little snippet of reality for you. This is but one of a multitude of reasons Ashleys father wants better for her…sadly she is too brainwashed and naive to see it. I’m sorry if the truth is painful, but know it when you see it in print from our own govts stats. At least I won’t be one of their victims…can you say with certainty the same? Sticking your head in the sand concerning these animals may be the politically correct thing to do but in the long run is very dangerous. Don’t shoot the messenger…educate yourselves. God bless and remember Ann Pressly, Chris Newsome, Shannon Christian…3 more victims of these violent animals….there are 10’s of thousands more folks.

    http://www.examiner.com/article/federal-statistics-of-black-on-white-violence-with-links-and-mathematical-extrapolation-formulas

  165. A Hermit says

    I can’t imagine doing that to one of my children. Although my youngest son has become banjo player, so I have been tempted, but no, not even for that…

    Seriously, my heart broke a little when I read this; I’m so sorry. We don’t know each other, of course, but I’ve enjoyed your blog and especially the ukelele vids which always bring a smile to my face. You deserve so much better. Meanwhile, love the one you’re with and keep singing.

  166. says

    “BLACKS DO NOT LIKE YOU, DO NOT LIKE YOU”

    I’m pretty sure they don’t like *you*. Most black people I know like me just fine. Might have something to do with my not calling them animals.

    Also, you’re correct that your assertion that most black people voted Obama because he was black is racist. Not the votes, mind you, but your assertion is racist, and how you seem to not be able to understand that minorities are human beings and care about policy as much as white people. Well, white people who aren’t you, that is. Racists don’t care about policy.

    Anyway, “blah, blah, blah, racist fever dream that has been repeated for centuries and never been bourne out, blah, blah, you’ll all be sorry, blah, blah, blah.” Did I miss anything? Want to insult queer people, women, or Jews while you’re at it? You really should take the chance now, as long as you’re on a bigotted roll.

  167. bob smith says

    If I’m hallucinating then so is our very own govt and every other statistical agency…you are the typical double standard guilt ridden white, you are the problem. You don’t wanna see the truth. Here it is anyway. Hey Janine….I choose to double down on reality, not hate. Now go back to sticking your fingers in yours ears chanting, la, la, la, la. Leave reality to the adults.

    http://www.examiner.com/article/federal-statistics-of-black-on-white-violence-with-links-and-mathematical-extrapolation-formulas

  168. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Looky here! Some random loon on the internet knows better about a relationship then Ashley Miller.

    I suppose this is the justification for the violence that fine upstanding white folks like bob smith had for the thousands of lynchings over the decades in the US.

  169. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Leave reality to the adults.

    Bob smith is racial realist. What bigots like to call themselves in order to justify all of the violence and harm that their ancestors did to an enslaved people.

  170. says

    Does reality mean “not reading everything”? First, the New Century Foundation is a white separatist organization funded by white supremacists. That they selectively interpret statistics is unsurprising. Secondly, that report doesn’t say that. The report says that minorities are more likely to be arrested, not more likely to commit crimes. Racial bias and socioeconomic factors play huge roles in crime, despite the outright lie in this article that, “They state emphatically that the Judicial System is not biased against minorities.” (they state they are not measuring that, not that there is none).

    Here, read this lovely page on the proper use of the statistics they improperly used so you can see how to abuse math to make yourself feel all warm and fuzzy about being an asshole http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/ucr-statistics-their-proper-use

  171. bob smith says

    Ah Avcenna…..finally a response from a black racist posing as a compassionate liberal. I don’t give two shits about what happened in our past and neither do you because neither of us can change it…the difference is blacks use it as emotional leverage or to get something for free. Rodney King..really? He was a criminal with a violent past and that all came out just like your plaguerist and adulterer hero MLK wasn’t quite who he seemed to be. You are the typical black who goes right to the “blacks are superior” in sports stereotype. Surprised you didn’t use the “muh dikk is bigger” reference…I’m sure that’s coming. Oh and I would have voted for Herman Cain because you wanna know why? I think he was a better candidate and better for the country than Romney….you on the other hand are the Samuel Jackson voter….racist and pathetic. You’ve got nerve pointing the finger of racism when you and your people set the racism standards. You’re not fooling all whites…just the dumb ones. The more idiots like you respond the more REAL stats I will post…I can embarrass you all day long with the truth. I’ve got em loaded and ready…I assure you, you won’t like what I got.

  172. Ashley F. Miller says

    Bob Smith clearly does not understand that statistics are descriptors of populations, not individuals. Or perhaps he does, as he “would have voted for Herman Cain”. Somehow, Cain gets to be the exception to his bigotry but my boyfriend does not. It’s not that I expect logical, sane arguments from racist trolls, but it does make him rather boring. I’m going to block him if he doesn’t make more coherent statements.

  173. bob smith says

    No….you are wrong in your assumptions. Nice try on the racist finger pointing tho…no hard feelings…it’s what libs do. I have no problem with any group of people unless they bother me or purposely target whites for violent acts because they are white…which blacks do on a daily basis. Sorry, that’s another little factoid you aren’t willing to acknowledge. I’m not gonna change any minds here because liberals are not willing to face facts….just the way it is.

  174. says

    So you have no problem with people you don’t have a problem with? Profound insight. That doesn’t leave you open to decide to treat other people like shit while still denying it’s because of immutable characteristics at all!

    Your misreading of statistics as filtered through white separatist organizations doesn’t constitute “facts”. Learn how evidence works, then we can talk.

  175. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    No….you are wrong in your assumptions. Nice try on the racist finger pointing tho…no hard feelings…it’s what libs do. I have no problem with any group of people unless they bother me or purposely target whites for violent acts because they are white…which blacks do on a daily basis. Sorry, that’s another little factoid you aren’t willing to acknowledge. I’m not gonna change any minds here because liberals are not willing to face facts….just the way it is.

    This was said by the bigot, bob smith. I could not reply so I am quoting here.

    Funny how he is accusing us of racial finger pointing, he is the one who called blacks “animalistic”. No racial finger pointing there at all.

  176. johnzaffino says

    Sad, but to think that racism is gone is just naive. One has only to look at the hatred that has surfaced over the last two elections. I have never seen such anger and pure poison thrown at a President in my entire 66 years on this planet. Let me tell you something about interracial love. I have a very good friend who married a white woman. They were both intelligent, thoughtful, productive people. I had lost touch with my friend over the years, and only knew that he was married until we found each other again a few years ago. Sadly, two years ago, my friend lost his wife to cancer. He was her devoted caregiver to the very end. I keep in touch with him and check on his state of mind, from time to time, and I can tell you that he is to this day, still devastated. He is successful businessman, but he has told me that he would gladly give it all up just to have his sweet wife sitting beside him on the couch.
    My point is that Love, real Love, knows no color or any other boundaries. We don’t have a choice; love just happens naturally. So, to put rules around whom one may or may not love is just ludicrous and agains human nature.
    Your father is a product of his times who has not evolved. Some of us have, and some have not. I hope that, one day, he will see the light. Bless you.

  177. noastronomer says

    I wouldn’t be suprised if there is a gender bias at work here too. What would your fathers reaction have been to a son dating a black woman? Somewhat less violent I imagine.

    Mike
    Who, coincidently, bought his daughter a Ukelele for Christmas.

  178. uscjd2004 says

    Bob, seriously, you argue like a four year-old child. Arrested development notwithstanding, you need some help. Here:

    http://yourlogicalfallacyis.com/

    Now, you festering, purulent heap of subhuman detritus, go do something uncomfortable to yourself with a potted cactus. We don’t give a tenth-rate fuck what you believe (a word chosen carefully — I wouldn’t dare mistake the goings on in your mostly empty cranium for “thought”).

  179. kaboobie says

    It’s one thing to realize how much racism still persists in the US. It’s another thing to have it brought home in such a hurtful way. Ashley, I’m happy for your relationship and it’s such a shame that your father will not be able to share in your happiness. It’s very much his loss. When you say that “among my dad’s generation, approval of interracial dating is 84%”, I’m pleasantly surprised the figure is that high. I wonder if your father understands he’s part of a vanishing minority.

  180. says

    You’re misrepresenting the facts, as I pointed out above. Sending us to another white supremacist website to see more white supremacists say how superior whites are by misinterpreting the same statistics isn’t a presentation of “facts”. It just proves that you’ll buy anything that makes you feel awesome about being you without having to do a damn thing.

  181. says

    While overall, I have no problem with your piece, and have sympathy for your plight with your father, I do have one question for you…

    I’d like for you to examine your statement, “we have a mixed race President” (while most Americans [African American AND Caucasian] classify him as ‘Black’)…

    If there was an individual who has become “newsworthy” for NEGATIVE reasons (robbery, killing, etc.), who visually looked like the POTUS [Black], would you be so ready to tout him as “mixed race” [assuming you knew this fact], or automatically describe him as “Black”??? OR if there was a person who looked for all the world Caucasian, but was also “mixed race” [and there ARE plenty of them, trust me], in relating their greatness, would you categorize them as “mixed race”???

    It’s interesting that as long as Tiger Woods was an “icon”, people had the tendency to remind us of his “Asian background”, but after his fall, he became “Black”…

    May I remind you that it was CAUCASIANS that determined that “one drop of Black blood makes a person BLACK”…but now, even Caucasian ‘liberals’ have a tendency to point out “mixed race” heritage when a BLACK person becomes an icon or famous, while still considering someone Black when it’s about something negative…something that makes me go, “Hmmmm”.

  182. Ashley F. Miller says

    Since the context is interracial relationships, the fact that his mother was white and his father was black seems to be rather pertinent, making “mixed-race” the correct descriptor for the piece.

  183. bob smith says

    Wow USCJ…looks like you’ve been a busy little beaver with the dictionary and I’m sensing some frustration from you. Name calling will not change the facts…you remember what those are right? We’re trying to help Ashley here…focus. This is bigger than we are.

  184. erin b.dougherty says

    So very sorry. I am hoping, for you, that love will eventually prevail for your father. But, I am happy that you have found a wonderful, strong, loving relationship and that you have the strength to stand by it, even if it means the (extreme) disapproval of your dad.

  185. Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle says

    *unlurk*

    Heartbreaking and completely, utterly wrong on his part.

    I hope this does not have a negative impact on your relationship with your boyfriend.

    That said, should you two someday part ways, I hope you think long and hard about letting your father back into your life, or at least about the degree to which you want that to happen. Like was said upthread, we can’t pick our families – there is no small amount of forgiving and forgetting when it comes to family. But, your dad crossed a line that should only be crossed for extreme reasons. yet he chose to do it for the most ridiculous reason that can be conceived.

    If he threw you away once, he will do it again. This sort of abuse isn’t a one-time thing. Your dad seems to think that women are his personal plythings, to do his bidding as he demands. (At least that’s the picture your stepmother’s words paints).

    What will the conditions on his affection and attention be next time?

    Stay strong and brave. Surround yourself with people who care for you without qualifiers.

    sincerely,

    someone who’s been there

    *relurk*

  186. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Once more, I have to laugh at the bigot who is decrying name calling.

    “Animalistic”

    Go back to Stormfront, VDARE or Freepland.

    You are not here to help anyone. You are here to gloat.

  187. Lori F - MN says

    Truth is that you dad is frightened. Frightened that you are a better person than he is. HE’S RIGHT.

    Remember: “Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering.” Thank you, Yoda, the wise.

  188. Who Knows? says

    I am truly shocked that in 2012 we still have people who think this way. How old can your father be? 150?

    If it means anything to you, my daughter’s fiance is black and they have a daughter too.

    Prior to this relationship, my daughter was in a relationship with a white guy. One of the biggest assholes I’ve ever met. Treated my daughter like crap. Hated the dumb fuck.

    Her fiance on the other hand is one of the nicest guys ANY of my daughters have dated and the daughter they have is wonderful. Proof that what is important is how someone treats their SO, not how they look.

  189. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Here we go with an other person who chooses to be shocked by the everyday.

    Who Knows?, here is a simple task for you. Hit Ctrl F, enter “bob smith” and read the highlights.

    And realized that our society has not even come close to eradicating this.

  190. Nolatrinity says

    It is amazing that a friend of mine linked me to your post. I went through essentially the same thing last week with my parents. My gf’s adopted daughter is bi racial and lives with my immediate family. My parents (who are from upstate NY) said they wouldn’t come spend the holidays at our house with their grand kids because of this little adorable girl. When I told them they were no longer welcome in my house, they said that they didn’t have grandkids from this point forward and hung up on me. There were many more things said (many I wouldn’t really want to repeat, although its borderline funny that some people still believe things like that). It took days of me being a zombie mulling things through to be ok with it. It was their decision and their loss. You can choose your family. Chosen families are amazing and strong if not stronger than blood families in a lot of cases. I wish you healing and hope you know that you are not alone (ever).

    – nolatrinity (Jenna)

  191. uscjd2004 says

    Bob, your inability to understand semi-advanced prose is of no concern to me. People like you deserve nothing but ridicule, hatred, and contempt, so that’s what I’ve given you.

    Now, get to work on learning how to argue without floundering in a fatuous festival of fallacies.

  192. Larry S.L says

    Dating a black man can also have consequence for the white female’s family members, and also her acquaintances.

    http://theinjusticefile.blogspot.com/2012/02/black-males-white-females-dangerous-and.html

    Yeah, I know I’ll be called a racist for pointing to this blog…but I think , at the VERY least, white females should know ALL the pitfalls regarding dating a black man. There is the potential, more than any other race of male, for extreme violence – even death.

  193. valeriecabral says

    I’m so sorry. I know this feeling to a much smaller degree from my father’s initial reaction to my dating anyone other than a cisgendered male…but he got over it. I hope that in time your father will, too.

  194. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Funny, the second bigot who dropped in with a link to a blog called The Injustice Files.

    This was in the link title About Me.

    I have decided to create this “victim’s list” here mainly because of the denial on the part of the black race that they are actually victimizing white people. The following link really says it all about black denial.

    Funny how these bigots are so willing to take that actions of some black men and attribute it to a race. Funny how bob smith and Larry S.L are making the claim that they know Ashley Miller’s boyfriend better than she knows him.

  195. AG says

    There’s always hope the trolls will go away and feed each other in private, rather than us doing so here. (The two trolls feeding each other… I’m envisioning something along the lines of that candlelight-dinner scene from Lady and the Tramp, only not pasta or anything else scary-ethnic to them. Sauerkraut? #idigress)

  196. Larry S.L says

    The site I referenced is clearly not about statistics, Ashley (tho statistics are offered i.e. only about 38% of all black females cohabitate with a black male – kinda shocking, eh?). It appears to be nothing more than giving recognition to REAL victims. The way in which many of the white females died, the pattern of repeated domestic violence they endured before the final act, it was quite revealing to me. Fair and balanced reporting should be the objective of every aspiring journalist/ writer. Honestly, I feel like the entire effort here regarding this blog is to guilt- trip white males. Also, it is you, Ashely, who are using anecdotal evidence with this blo. You can see that, can’t you?

  197. Ashley F. Miller says

    I am not making a statistical argument, I am saying that this sort of thing happens.

    The apparent goal is to make the argument that white women in relationships with black men are more prone to violence from their partners than are white women in relationships with white men. Every single thing listed there is sad, but the behavior is not attributable to race. Statistically speaking, the vast majority of violent crime is within race not between races.

    Women in ALL relationships are at risk for domestic abuse, I don’t understand the point of the link if not to argue that it’s only or primarily white women dating black men that face this problem. And your use of the term “REAL” also doesn’t make any sense to me.

  198. Rey Fox says

    Honestly, I feel like the entire effort here regarding this blog is to guilt- trip white males. Also, it is you, Ashely, who are using anecdotal evidence with this blo. You can see that, can’t you?

    This blog post is a personal story about being disowned by her father and the pain associated with it. Of COURSE it’s anecdotal, you fucking clod. You’re the one who’s making broad claims about a race and then backing them up with anecdotal evidence, all in an apparent effort to dissuade someone from dating someone that she quite clearly loves and knows much better than you do.

    As far as guilt-tripping is concerned, I’m terribly sorry that this blog post made you feel guilty for being a racist. Fortunately, there’s a way to fix that.

  199. bob smith says

    Yeah ok us….we all get it, you have a dictionary icon on your laptop…bfd. Nobodys impressed….oh and fuck you. Janine…I think you might want to read this latest story that was so horrendous it couldn’t be covered up, even by the liberal media….not this time anyway. I think animalistic is an understatement in this case. Not hard to gloat when you are constantly proven right.

    Here ya go…I’m sure you all will have plenty of excuses why this animal did what he did.

    http://abcnews.go.com/US/manhunt-subway-pusher-threw-victim-front-train/story?id=17873672

  200. Who Knows? says

    Janine, I agree that racism is still a real and serious problem. There is no argument against that point. My shock at this situation has nothing to do with the status of race relations in our society.

    Speaking of being shocked, I hope that I never come to simply accept that situations like this are happening all the time and not react with shock and offense when I hear about them.

    One would hope that we have gotten to the point where even the most ignorant fool could see the wrong in treating your child in this manner and dimissing an entire group of people for an arbitrary factor like skin color.

    So yes, I choose to be shocked and offended. I just don’t know how else to react to such a story. Maybe you could enlighten me?

  201. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Because a subset of black men are abusive, all white women are to avoid any relation with any black man. And by dating or marrying a black man, the white woman is seeking to guilt-trip all white men.

    Got it.

  202. says

    This was SO wonderful…

    Until I got to “I have never gotten pregnant out of wedlock” on your tick-list of things you never did, making you the “opposite of a fuck-up”. So apparently the judgmental apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    On behalf of all us “fuck-ups” who had the nerve to have a child outside of wedlock (and many who were forced to give said children up for that reason during the Baby Scoop Era), I submit that you rendered this entire otherwise wonderful essay moot by that statement.

  203. Ashley F. Miller says

    *things that would upset him, not things that represent anything like justification for disowning someone and most of which aren’t moral crimes at all to my mind

  204. typecaster says

    After all that’s been said, there’s really not thing I can add, aside from one more reader’s support, and dismay at your father’s shameful behavior. I’ll never be able to understand that sort of fear.

  205. says

    I do have an excuse : the guy was an awful human being, regardless of his race. Know what’s awesome about being white? I won’t be held accountable for you being awful. Minorities don’t get that benefit, as you demonstrate well.

  206. says

    By the Power of Skull! Your Comprehension skills are abominable.

    E N G L I S H! Do you speak it? I am going to make this as easy as possible for you because it is clear that you spent most of your education hating teachers rather than learning. Otherwise your comprehension would be better. God I think I may have to pull out sock puppets for you to understand this.

    Hey Idiot. I don’t know what to insult you with so I am going to go with “Your entire world view is wrong and your attitude to spelling is worse than your attitude to history”. I fear that education may not have been your strong point considering the number of logical fallacies your decided to run with including the notion that MLK’s alleged sexual dalliances or copying somehow makes his message less valid or less true. Or that Rodney King’s criminal status somehow makes it okay to beat him off hand.

    No. I think it’s the bit where you think penis size or the ability to play sport is important when I never even mentioned that. No, I am more impressed by what people do with what they have.

    Ashley here has spent her life fighting for equality for the GLBT and Women. You abuse people on the internet for not being white while being incapable of basic comprehension skills. That’s the thing. Despite not being white, I can kind of tell you two apart. And one one side I see someone who is an individual and on the other I see a racist caricature. So I will treat Ashley like an individual while I shall treat you like some sort Ku Klux Klan Yosemite Sam.

    And I cannot vote. There are 300 million Americans and 7 billion people on the planet. I am one of the 6.7 billion people who don’t happen to be American and don’t happen to think the world spins around you.

    Savvy?

  207. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Yes, bob smith, because only black people are murderers. Because the action of one individual is reflective of that person’s race.

    So, bob smith, what is it like to be like John Wayne Gacy and Jeffery Dahmer.

    Also, crawl back under a boulder, you vile waste of meat.

  208. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Who knows?, simply because I am not shocked by this does not mean I accept it.

  209. stubby says

    I’m sorry you and your boyfriend have to deal with this, Ashley. It is very sad. I wish you the best.

  210. says

    That’s what you got from this? She shames her family for being racists. If you feel any insult from this then it’s not because she is targetting you but because you have done or would have done the same things as they would have.

    At no point does she ever shame “White Men”. In fact I don’t think she mentions ANYONE outside her family in this entire conversation.

    The fact is you treat people as a statistic when discussing individuals. People are diverse. Not everyone is a stereotype. It’s like portraying all white people from what you see on the Jerry Springer show or things like Honey Boo Boo.

    The fact is you aren’t insulted because she is talking about her family. You are insulted because you think like them.

  211. says

    IFunny thing is, as a white male, this in no way makes me feel guilty. I would only feel guilty if I also happened to be racist. Since I am not racist, I don’t feel threatened by this.

  212. Larry S.L says

    Ashley, I used the word “real” as opposed to statistical. If I were to say “I found a site that showed 127 incidences of white female victims of violence who were in a relationship with a black man”, and no link, that wouldn’t carry the same emotional impact as seeing the faces of REAL victims (Harvard comma coming), or reading about how they suffered.

    Knowing how hard it is to ferret out the race of perpetrators and victims in today’s politically correct media, I found it down right amazing the author of the “injustice” site could find all those incidences. I’ve learned a lot already on that site. I graduated from a rather prestigious business school, and I can tell you that the statical sample he’s created is more than adequate to extrapolate bona fide data concerning black on white violence i.e. his three pages of white-on-black victims list). I also found his site on white-on-black violence VERY eye opening! Ashley talks about about attitude, not deliberate acts of actual violence. One is quite different from the other. Anyone, I would hope, would prefer the latter to the former.

    I also did a little internt search, ashley, and here’s a counter balance to your “pity me” anecdote (see what you can find when you search?).

    http://lisa-in-dyer.hubpages.com/hub/Personal-Experiences-Influence-Us

  213. Tara says

    Ashley, I can’t imagine the pain this must cause you. For your own parent to feel that way must be devastating. My grandmother has expressed her disapproval of my interracial relationship, but she hasn’t even taken it to the level that your father has. Even not being close to your father, this is still obviously hard on you.

    As has been previously stated, this is in no way your fault and is your father’s issue and loss. You are obviously a beautifully open and caring person and I trust you that your boyfriend is just as stellar. Your father is the one losing out by refusing to accept people who should be some of the most important in his life.

  214. Ashley F. Miller says

    Again, you in no way are responding to anything I have said nor are you making a logical argument. I shall not be responding further.

  215. Lee says

    That whole “I think of all the other things I could have done to upset him, and he thought THIS was worse?” train of thought is very familiar. I was also a “good kid” — I didn’t smoke or drink or use drugs, drop out of school, run away from home, get in trouble with the law, turn up pregnant, anything like that; I made good grades, went on and graduated from college, got a job, got married, did all the things parents SAY they want their children to do. (Except have kids, that is.)

    To my parents… I was wild and rude and defiant and disobedient, the cross they had to bear, the only child in my generation who ever gave their parents a moment’s trouble. (And I could say some things about that last, but it would be a digression.) They didn’t understand why I wasn’t the Perfect Daughter they wanted; they were utterly convinced that something was wrong with me (although they could never define what, it was just that I wouldn’t Be Right like I was supposed to), and they kept trying to fix me until they died.

    I hope, for your sake, that your father eventually comes around — but I don’t think it’s likely, and I do think it’s probably better both for your relationship with your boyfriend and for any potential future children you might have, that it stay that way. And yes, it sucks like unto a Shop-Vac, but (having spent 2/3 of my life in the Deep South) I am not one bit surprised that it happened. America is going to be another hundred years or more getting rid of that shit.

  216. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    And again Larry S.L, graduate of a prestigious business school(Respect his authority!), is making the argument that because some black men have abused white women, Ashley Miller’s life is in danger.

    Just ignore what Larry S.L is implying, that those people are all the same. And political correctness is prevent the liberals from seeing The Truth!

  217. AmandaJane says

    Feeding in to a racist’s comments with replies…no matter how logical or outright correct only encourages them. Much like a child so starved for attention that they do something they know is wrong just to get noticed.

  218. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    Until I got to “I have never gotten pregnant out of wedlock” on your tick-list of things you never did, making you the “opposite of a fuck-up”. So apparently the judgmental apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree.

    On behalf of all us “fuck-ups” who had the nerve to have a child outside of wedlock (and many who were forced to give said children up for that reason during the Baby Scoop Era), I submit that you rendered this entire otherwise wonderful essay moot by that statement.

    I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. When I first read Ashley’s post, I missed an extremely key line of dialogue on her part:

    I could have pointed out all the things that I haven’t done to be a disappointment to him. I mean, yes, I’m a liberal who supports equality, but I just keep making a list in my head of all these other things I could have done that would have been upsetting to him*:

    I have never been a drug addict
    I have never been a drunk or alcoholic
    I have never killed anyone
    I have never been arrested
    I have never been a sex worker
    I have never gone through a rebellious phase
    I have never gotten pregnant out of wedlock
    I have never failed school
    […]*things that would upset him, not things that represent anything like justification for disowning someone and most of which aren’t moral crimes at all to my mind

    Her parting line of dialogue indicates that those items on that list are things that would upset her *father. Not things she feels are justification for disowning anyone.

    ****
    Ashley:
    I wonder if that line should have been included immediately prior to the list. For some people, they may have not read to the end of your post to see that comment.

  219. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Some of us who can and will respond to the bigot do so out of the belief that leaving their charges unanswered makes it seem like their charges cannot be countered.

    While I do not think too much time should be spent on them, they have to be confronted. Not for changing the minds of bob smith and Larry S.L but for people who actually might be on the fence on the issue. Better to draw them out and have them show how foolish the bigots are.

  220. A says

    LOL @ “rather prestigious business school”

    Also: I think you got latter and former switched around.

    Also also: you’re a stupid racist fuck.

  221. AmandaJane says

    Well said Janine and good point. I know we should be patient with those who think differently and understand where they are coming from but when someone sinks to the level of snarky going towards nasty at turbo speed…well…it just takes all the fun out of debating a point. I love a health debate but those like Bob are more like a street fight waiting for a hockey match to break out.

  222. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    Janine:

    Here we go with an other person who chooses to be shocked by the everyday.

    I think much of the problem lies in the lack of exposure to overt racism on the part of many people. That-and/or-being blind to the racism around them. There’s also this notion that the northern states are less (or not at all) racist as the Southern ones. Then there’s the fact that for some people, their limited exposure to interracial dating may be positive examples, so it’s rare when they learn of a situation as horrible as Ashley’s.

    For my part, despite having lived in the South (Alabama and Florida) for all my adult life, I’ve encountered little overt racism. Yes, as I’ve become more socially conscious I see the more subtle forms of racism, but I haven’t encountered much of the overt “OMG you’re dating a black person”.

    So I don’t think some of the commenters are *choosing* to be shocked. It may indeed be genuine shock. Of course, now that it has been pointed out that this shit still exists, if the same people are shocked again, then it may be willfull ignorance.

  223. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    You are a scum sucking racist.
    From your link:

    Concerning this particular blog, I am going to simply list all the white females who became a victim (seriously injured or dead) because of a relationship with a black male. I will also list other innocent white victims, such as family members, friends and acquaintances, who also were victimized because of her relationship with a black male. At least white females can – maybe – learn something here.

    Really?
    The author is using confirmation bias {…(also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias} to justify his racism?
    And you support that?
    What’s your conclusion? That white women shouldn’t date black men because sometimes bad things happen to them?
    Yeah, that’s not racist at all. ::rolls eyes::

  224. aiabx says

    For what it’s worth, standing up for what is right in the face of immense personal pressure earns you my respect.

  225. Reid says

    I feel this story deeply, and it makes me very sad. Stay strong and continue to fight for love.

    In highschool, (back in 2000) I was just starting to date a girl. Her parents saw a picture of us at a school dance. They forbid us from dating any further, because I am black. (I feel it is significant to mention that I am not 100% black and I have a light complexion.)

    The girl came to my house, teary eyed and said we need to talk. We walked to the park, sat on a bench, and she told me that her parents forbid us to date because of my background.

    What a surprise, what a blow! This happened to my dad back in the 60’s, but to happen to me, in 2000, wow. Still stings to this day, that her parents would write me off immediately, and have no desire to get to know the decent person that I am. We were just starting to date, and I ultimately decided that it would be best that we stop seeing each other, but remain friends. I felt guilty.

    Thinking about how much this hurt me, it’s hard to imagine the pain this writer is going through having had her father disown her.

  226. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    bob smith:

    It’s hard to watch a loved one ruin their life. He wanted white grand kids to carry on his name and now you’ve broken his heart….you have to live with that

    What’s so important about “white grand kids”?
    Why and how are white people somehow superior to black people?
    Why do you think it’s valid to judge people and determine relationships based on skin color?

    I’m glad you’re wearing your KKK blazer for all to see. It makes it easier to condemn vile scumbags like you.

    By the way, I’m a gay man of color who likes to date white men.

  227. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Reid, please excuse me if I am crossing a line, but how unpleasant is it that people like bob smith and Larry S.L are arguing that because you are black, you are a threat to white women?

    If you decline to answer, I understand.

  228. says

    Hi Jenna
    I’m sorry for what happened to you, too.
    I know how much it hurts and I know that having children of your own makes it fuck harder because you know that you’ll have to explain an apparent lack of grandparents to them which isn’t easy. And it hurts that they’Re hurting.
    Hugs if you want them.

  229. uscjd2004 says

    Bob, you truly are dumber than a box of greasy ball-peen hammers, displaying stunning moral and intellectual bankruptcy. I have provided you with enough information to correct your erroneous reasoning, yet you consistently fail to take heed.

    Anecdotal fallacy, false cause, rinse, and repeat. Those comprise your “facts,” yet you wonder why you’re being made fun of here. Hysterical!

    Better get to work on that chart I linked for you, lest you should cause me to die from an overdose of schadenfreude.

    Also, projection is an altogether disreputable behavior, even for an unlettered troglodyte such as yourself. I know the fact that *you* must consult a dictionary to understand *me* must be galling for someone possessing an identity so easily shattered as yours, but you really must try to overcome your personal insecurities and mental shortcomings.

  230. says

    Unfortunately sometimes those of us of mixed parentage find ourselves not truly accepted by EITHER family/culture/race. So in some ways we are not one or the other.

  231. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    I’m trying really hard not to reintroduce the rotted porcupine meme right now. Because if anyone ever deserved it, bob smith does.
    Somehow this racist has met every black male on the planet or he’s telepathic and has read the minds of every black man. Somehow he knows that

    ….BLACKS DO NOT LIKE YOU, DO NOT LIKE YOU, and if you knew anything about them you would know that.

    .
    I wonder if he has ever looked at statistics of white on black crime. Or if he’s aware of the history of lynchings of blacks by white supremacists like himself. One look at that information would make anyone realize that crimes have been committed on both sides of his self imposed racial divide. And no, blacks across the country are not seeking retribution for slavery. Anecdotal evidence of racism cannot be used to demonize an entire racial group. There is no justification for his hateful, bigoted discriminatory attitudes.

  232. emilywillingham says

    I just want to say that I am sorry for what’s happened to you with your father (and your mother). It’s rough when parents cannot grasp the concept of unconditional love and even rougher when bigotry shadows all of their perceptions.

  233. cicely (fair-to-partly-cloudy) says

    Ashley, if you accept *hugs* from complete strangers, than please accept this *hug*.

    If not, then I offer a large pile of non-corporeal sympathies.
    -

  234. Jonathan says

    @ashley:
    As others have said, this isn’t about you and your new partner,
    this is about your father’s cultural background and his inability to transcend it. This is truly not your fault, and you shouldn’t blame yourself!

    You might enjoy reading Mark and Gail Mathabane’s book
    “Love in Black and White”. It’s their story of being an
    interracial couple in the USA in the 1980s. Very poignant…

  235. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    98% voted for Obama because he is black and for no other reason…

    Actually, there were plenty of reasons to vote for Obama. None of them have to do with his race.

    1- Romney never had a plan to fix the economy
    2- Romney wanted to roll back the rights granted to women and gays
    3- Romney’s foreign policy ideas were empty headed
    4- Romney’s main concern was for helping out the ultra rich
    5- Romney wanted to roll back environmental regulations
    6- Romney did not care to ensure the health of all Americans
    7- Romney was trigger happy and was proud to keep a nuclear option on the table wrt Iran

    Somehow you’re oblivious to all these facts, and would rather make up shit about 98% of voters, rather than actually doing the research on a NON white supremacist website to learn the truth.

  236. Jessie says

    I was disowned by my father as well. It has made me appreciate those who don’t impose conditions before they can love me, even more.

    Please accept another virtual hug.

  237. Larry S.L says

    Alshley, I did respond to you, both directly and indirectly.

    1. You claimed I was was using anecdotal evidence. It was actually using empirical evidence (“injustice” site). If you wanted to accuse me of using inductive reasoning, that might be a bit more to the point. However, as I pointed out, ferreting out race in crimes today is very difficult. The author of the site I referenced, I believe, did a very good job

    2. I responded to your confusion about my use of the word “real”

    What did I miss?

    Ashley, it is you that deliberately injected race into this blog. You could have easily avoided it, at least specifically mentioning your boyfriend was black. You are, in my opinion, and based on what I’ve read from you here, a person who puts her proverbial middle finder up to anyone or any thing that may or does represent the status quo or convention. Hence, you black boyfriend.

    You also gave statistics that say “15% of new marriages were interracial” but you deliberately fail to point out that black and white marriages represent the fewest – more than 90% of all inter-racial marriages are NON black and white. Also, less than 1% of all marriages in the US are black and white.

    In defense of your father:

    You never did get to any specifics of WHY your father was against the relationship. You made an assumption, probably reasonable sound one, but, nevertheless, an assumption. Myself, being a father with two daughter, I want them to get involved in meaningful relationship when they grow up, and also where they have the best chance of happiness; and when the babies come, of having a person willing and capable of supporting them and being a father to them. Statistically, black males are the WEAKEST – at the bottom – of all racial group of males in those areas. I would not want my daughters marrying a black male. Not only for the above mentioned reasons, but also because of the likely uncomfortable situations regarding family get-togethers. You marry a black male, you also get his family. This isn’t to imply a bad thing, but something to consider. However, what you most likely will get is the “other” baggage that goes with the black white marriage: “You didn’t respond to him when he asked you a question, dad! He likely believed you were being racist!”. “Dad, you never invite him to a ball game. He think’s you’re being racist!” “Don’t anyone bring up anything related to republicans. My husband will think you’re a racist”. Baggage. On and on it will go… I wouldn’t want that for my daughter, and I wouldn’t want the pressure of being forced to endure a relationship thru my daughter, of a black and white marriage. Inside just about every black man is the fervent brief that white people did his people a great wrong…and that therefore he owed – by white people- because of this great wrong. I don’t need that. Your father, Ashley, is likely thinking the very same thing.

    I hope your black male truly does appreciate what you’ve given up for him. Or, could it be Ashley, that this is really a desire on your part to try to create pity for yourself from your black boyfriend? “Look what I gave up! You owe me BIG time, dude!” “Oh how I love my dad, and I gave him up for you”. I hope that’s not you Ashley.

  238. echidna says

    Honestly, I feel like the entire effort here regarding this blog is to guilt- trip white males.

    The only people who would feel uncomfortable with Ashley’s story are authoritarian racists.

  239. Rey Fox says

    You claimed I was was using anecdotal evidence. It was actually using empirical evidence (“injustice” site).

    So, in addition to being a racist asshole, you don’t know what evidence is. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. You’re happy to extrapolate all manner of bullshit from the flimsiest of pretenses.

    Myself, being a father with two daughter

    Those poor girls.

  240. echidna says

    My word, I’m glad I don’t know you in real life. The way you project unsavoury motives onto people and classes of people would make you an absolute nightmare to be around.

    You are racist and authoritarian, with the only thought in your head being about where people fit in the established hierarchy, and doing your bit to keep it that way.

  241. leni says

    Bob Smith wrote:

    98% voted for Obama because he is black and for no other reason…

    So before Obama blacks were voting for conservatives? And then all of a sudden, as soon as there was a black man running for president, they all just flipped?

    Is that what you think happened?

    Explain this then, would you?

    But then President Lyndon B. Johnson pushed through the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964 (outlawing segregation in public places) and his eventual Republican opponent, Sen. Barry Goldwater, opposed it. Johnson got 94 percent of the black vote that year, still a record for any presidential election.

    The following year Johnson signed the 1965 Voting Rights Act. No Republican presidential candidate has gotten more than 15 percent of the black vote since.

    Look at the link. There are helpful pictures.

    And remember, every time you bitch about black people one more white woman changes teams. Cause hey, can you blame us? Can you hear yourself? It’s like your mouth has irritable bowel syndrome.

  242. says

    Christ, this guy’s an asshole.

    I’ve been staying out of the side “discussions”, because I dislike drama, and would really rather not be involved in it. But this has gone far enough that I’m stepping in.

    Dude, I don’t know what rock you crawled out from under (and I don’t want to know), I don’t know you (nor do I want to), and I could not care less about you, personally. But you’ve come here and not only stomped on several paws, you’ve also spewed some of the foulest racist bullshit I’ve ever had the displeasure of being exposed to.

    Now, this isn’t my blog, I have no power here, and I may well be overstepping my bounds, but:

    PLEASE TAKE YOUR RACISM ELSEWHERE, IT IS NOT WELCOME HERE.

    *steps off soap-box*

  243. leni says

    Some other things you should explain, Bob:

    * Why Romney lost the vote to white women. Do we hate white people to?

    * Why Romney lost in virtually every non white male demographic imaginable. Because everybody who isn’t white hates white people? Then how do you explain all those mixed race babies? Oh I know it’s “legitimate” rape, isn’t it?

    * These aren’t new trends. They existed before Obama and will likely continue after. Even if we never see another black presidential candidate.

    * If it’s racist that black people, men and women, voted for Obama then why shouldn’t we think we think it’s both racist and sexist that old white men with irritable bowel syndrome of the mouth largely voted for Romney? Why don’t your own standards apply to you?

  244. Ichthyic says

    Wow, the absolute impervious density of Larry SL reminds me distinctly of another Larry: Larry Fafarman.

    LF also exhibited a similar level of projection.

    there are sometimes good reasons simply to remove someone’s posts, and their ability to post on a forum.

    Larry has made a great argument in favor.

  245. Ichthyic says

    Yeah, I know I’ll be called a racist for pointing to this blog…

    that’s not why you’re a racist.

    it’s why you’re a dishonest shitbag of a racist.

  246. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Larry S.L, you are a fucking waste of meat.

    You are so fucking arrogant, you claim to know Ashley Miller’s situation and motives better than she does. You claim to know the personality of her boyfriend better than she does. Shit, you claim to know the motivations of people better than they do.

    Fuckface, you are the one with the baggage and you insist that everyone else carry on in your short sighted struggles.

    Fuck you, fuck the horse you rode in on and fuck everything that you stand for.

    Also, I feel get pity for your daughter. I hope they end up being decent people in site of your worst efforts.

  247. Larry S.L says

    Okay people, I have done a little more reading on Ashley (“About the Author”, other blogs of hers), and I now believe I have a more informed opinion of her on a personal level. The PROBLEM here people, is not Ashley’s father! It is Ashley herself… who is clearly harboring “issues” with dad that goes back well before her black boyfriend. Ashley, apparently, does not have a mother, or a relationship with her mother. BIG issue here, but I lack info.

    Ashley, I want to help you. I think I’ve got you pretty well pegged. As for me, I am 40, very happily married with three adorable kids. I am very financially successful. I have been told I have a considerable high IQ. I have my own business with over 40 employees. I lead by example. I am not imparting this personalized info. here to brag, but rather to hopefully persuade you to look on me as someone who has worthy life experiences. You can trust my intuitive instincts. If you you are as old you represent yourself, then you are not yet GONE. Ashley, trust me on this: if you you let your dad go, and you continue with your present beliefs, you will be ostracized – a pariah – and wind up a very lonely person. There’s still time for you. First, you MUST mend the fence with your dad! MUST! I feel you truly want a loving relationship with him, but lack the learned ability to express yourself emotionally to him. I will assist you here Ashley. If one of my daughters did to me what you have done to your dad, this is the letter I would want to see from her.

    (Open Letter to Ashley’s Dad – From Ashley)

    Dear Father,

    I have taken a long and reflective look at my young life. I know I’ve been a rebel – a pain in the neck to you for quite some time. Bear it you always did. I know I’ve kept coming back at you and deliberately challenging your cherished views and other beliefs you hold near and dear. I want to apologize. I just have always felt you didn’t give me the attention I so desperately wanted when I was younger. That was you being you. I know men have a hard time showing emotions. I’ve always loved you and I wanted to show it. I wanted you to love me and show it. It didn’t work out that way. When I entered college, I guess I began to feel a deep seeded desire to get attention from you by committing myself, whenever the opportunity came along, to whatever was diametrically opposed to your own views or desires. I want to also now apologize for this behavior. Young, stubborn(see, I’m going to use an Oxford comma – I’m changing), and naive, I can and will make mistakes. I’m desperately trying to correct a BIG one here. Specifically, when I brought home the black male, I did it as a final act of rebellion. I knew you would finally react to me. But I didn’t think you would go to the extreme extent and disown me. I used the black male only to get a reaction from you. It took me a little time to actually realize that I was using him for this purpose. I apologized to him. And now with deep sincerity I want to apologize to you.

    Dad, I am now committed to ending my rebel ways – FOREVER. I’ve grown up! I am going to completely commit myself to my studies. I want you to take me back dad. I can’t possibly think about about the rest of my life without you in it.

    With Sincere Love & Devotion,
    Ashley

    Again Ashley, there’s still time for you. Mend the fence with your dad! Stop being a rebel!

  248. Ichthyic says

    If the results of the last POTUS election are anything to go by, “old white bigot” is indeed becoming extinct as a breed.

    I’m sure they’ll appeal to the EPA for special protection under the endangered species act.

    oh, wait, no, they won’t, because the EPA is “evil sociulizm”.

    oh well.

  249. Ichthyic says

    Why would any white woman

    …or any woman, want to date you, Bob?

    what positive characteristics do you posses to counter your inane bigotry?

    well?

  250. Ashley F. Miller says

    I have a wonderful mother, which I mention in this post, who I am very close to, love the Oxford comma, and currently have 4.0 in my PhD studies, so try again. This time with feeling.

  251. slc1 says

    Ms. Miller, pay no attention to fucktard Larry, he’s a racist schmuck. Were I you, I would give him the heave ho forthwith.

    Now, perhaps a word of encouragement. I posted a comment in response to posts by Ed Brayton and Mano Singham on your dilemma recalling the saga of Washington Un. of St Louis physics professor Jonathan Katz, which indicates that the leopard can occasionally change his/her spots.

    Prof. Katz a number of years ago wrote a couple of gay bashing posts on his blog, proudly admitting and even trumpeting the fact that he was bigoted against homosexuals.

    Well, guess what, it turns out that his son Isaac is gay and came out of the closet a few years after the notorious blog posts. Although Prof. Katz was quite reluctant at first, eventually he apparently reconciled himself to the situation and accepted his son as he is.

    So I guess that there is, perhaps, some hope for Ms. Miller. Maybe your father will come around, just as Prof. Katz eventually did.

  252. kayden says

    Very sorry to hear about your father, Ashley, but I have to wonder why you are allowing racists to post on your blog? What are they adding to this discussion? Why are you allowing racists to link to anti-African American/Black websites/statistics?

    And yes, I know this is your blog and you can allow anything you want here. Just wondering.

  253. slc1 says

    May I respectfully suggest that Larry the lout be given the heave ho. There is no necessity for a blogger to put up with an asshole like him.

  254. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Great! Fuckface seems to think that a woman should just yield to her father, no matter what!

    I’m shocked! Shocked I tell you!

    You have nothing pegged. And you are too arrogant to learn.

    And if anything, I feel more pity for your daughters.

  255. Ashley F. Miller says

    I thought about just blocking them but made the decision that, if the goal of the post was to alert people to how racist people still are, people who were making comments that were horrible but not just random throwing out bad words (bad as their arguments are, they’re more than that) I should leave it for others to see. More evidence, if you will.

  256. Ichthyic says

    God bless and remember Ann Pressly, Chris Newsome, Shannon Christian…3 more victims of these violent animals….there are 10′s of thousands more folks.

    how about George Tiller?

    victims of the Oklahoma City Bombing?

    there’s tens of thousands more, asswipe!

  257. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    The simple fact that Fuckface has the gall to write a letter in your name asking for forgiveness from your father should show what a disconnect that Fuckface has from reality.

  258. Larry S.L says

    Ashley, this is my final comment to you. You are young and SO STUBBORN. You clearly want to get back at your dad. Stop being a rebel young lady. Please take my advise and mend the fence with your dad.

    As for your mother, your segue was awkward, I just thought you meant stepmother.

  259. Ichthyic says

    Well, the facts are the facts

    typical moron, living in denial and trying to convince everyone they can invent their own facts.

    revise any textbooks lately?

  260. Ichthyic says

    absolutely seconded. Larry is a very disturbed individual that needs to be isolated away from polite discourse.

    his posts contribute NOTHING to any sensible debate, and only detract from the seriousness of the real issues involved.

    he’s worse than useless.

    toss it, and the mess it left on the floor.

  261. Ichthyic says

    STFU.

    seriously. you are completely fucked in the head, and if you really do have kids, which I doubt, I weep for them.

  262. says

    When I was a little girl, my mother told me “People come in different colours, just like horses.” She knew I loved horses. And it’s about as important.

    *hugs* to you. It’s your dad’s loss: he betrayed you. Mourn and live well without him, unless he learns better.

  263. uscjd2004 says

    Taking all your puffing to be true, which may well be a decision of dubious providence on my part, it would seem that you’ve accomplished a thing or two by the usual standards of society, and may have learned a trick or two in point of mastering bubble-in examinations. Congratulations.

    However, for all of your (allegedly) vast success and experience, you’ve attained not a scintilla of wisdom; nay, nary even a suggestion of such. As wisdom is to be valued above and beyond all mere pecuniary concerns, you are a person strictly to be pitied.

  264. Ichthyic says

    I have to admit, that “letter written on Ashley’s behalf” would certainly rank in my top ten creepiest shit I’ve seen on the web in 2012 list.

  265. kayden says

    Thanks for your polite response. I’m surprised that you haven’t had a flood of racists posting here. I notice if one is let through, more seem to pour in. LOL

    Good luck with your boyfriend. Hope your father comes to his senses, but if not, you’ll be okay.

  266. Rieux says

    Just a quick note of support from another atheist in an interracial relationship. I’m very sorry that your father is responding to our diverse modern world in such an ugly and unloving way. As you can tell from this thread (among other messages you’re getting, I hope), you’ve got a lot of support out here.

    – Rieux (and his spouse and their beautiful almost-five-month-old boy who is awesome except that he GetsUpSixTimesANightAndWon’tGoBackToSleepYAAAARGH)

  267. Rey Fox says

    What kind of person habitually refers to people as “males” and “females”? The creepy dehumanizing kind.

  268. keresthanatos says

    Ashley, as a life long resident of SC, living in the upstate, I’be seen this before. I can tell you, the person who is going to be hurt the worst from this will be your father. One day, he will wake up and realize what a fool he has been, but it will be too late. He is the one who has caused all the damage and pain. It will come back to him a hundred times as bad, when he feels that pain in his heart, the gut wrenching, churning, burning pain of unreasoned hatred that will consume his very soul, and snuff out the last vestiges of love that he can ever feel.

    I wish you and your love a long and happy life together. May both of you live to see your children, grand-children, and great grand-children grow and prosper. Get the Hell out of South Carolina as fast as you can. Move to Asheville, Charlotte, or the Raleigh-Durham area.

    Close enough to home (90-120 mi.) but about 100 yrs difference in mores and attitude. I wish you all the luck and happiness that the world can offer.

    Sincerely from Spartanburg (well really Inman),

    K.T.

  269. GeeCat says

    Ashley, I came out to my mom 20 years ago. I told her that the woman I’d been rooming with for 10 years was my partner and (someday, please!) my wife. My mother cried and told me that it was a good thing I’d waited until my little sister was 18 before I came out because Mom would have forbidden me to see her… I was shocked and heartbroken. Mom didn’t disown me but she would have kept me from my best friend in the family…

    Fast-forward 10 years… I find Mom telling my other sister that any family member who objects to me joining the family “girls’ night” sleepover should just “get over themselves”!

    You’re doing the right thing. Be yourself and live a life of joy and love, with the people you love. And eventually, with time, compassion, and luck, maybe your father (like my mom) will come to realize that there’s nothing wrong with love, however it comes about.

    No matter what, just keep being you. <3

  270. The MadPanda, FCD says

    Delurking for a moment to second each and every last one of the positive thoughts, well wishes, and virtual hugs offered above.

    The MadPanda, FCD

  271. Maggie says

    Ashley,

    I hope it gets better, but it’s good to know you’re strong enough to handle it if it doesn’t. That shows in your words and your determination. Hang in there, kiddo. And here is my portion of All The Hugs as well. They always come back. :)

    -> ATH

    Maggie

  272. Tigger_the_Wing says

    I cannot imagine a scenario in which either I or their father would disown any one of our five adult children, or their children. I cannot imagine reacting with anything but joy when any of them find someone to love and who loves them back.

    More hugs, Ashley, and best wishes for your loved one too.

    You sound like you have found ‘The One’. =^_^=

    When someone loves you, then nothing else matters. May you have a long and happy relationship, as I have.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Hey, racist doodz! You seem to think that it’s OK that Ashley’s father wants to force her to choose him, over someone who actually loves her? Well, that’ll never happen!

    I’m glad that your attitude is dying out. Daughters aren’t the property of their fathers, to be handed over to an approved husband at a time of Dad’s choosing. I feel deeply sorry for the relatives of people like you, who look at the old days with longing instead of disgust and who are proud of their racism instead of feeling deep shame.

    And that letter was the creepiest thing I’ve read in a long time. I hope the dood who wrote it grows up before his daughters do.

  273. Lofty says

    Yuckoh, today I have seen some of the bent, ugly minded people infesting this planet. Keep strong Ashley, you have many friends here. (From a random white guy on the other side of the planet.)

  274. Beatrice says

    …I think , at the VERY least, white females should know ALL the pitfalls regarding dating a black man dentist. There is the potential, more than any other race career of male, for extreme violence – even death.

    http://www.kltv.com/story/19015612/retired-east-texas-dentist-says-i-killed-my-wife
    http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Dentist-hacks-wife-to-death-kills-self-20110901
    http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/kfmhqlsnsnoj/rss2/
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14855137/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/t/dentist-admits-murders-wife-girlfriend/

    QED

  275. says

    I’m truely sorry for those kids of yours. I hope you just made them up. If not I hope they can get mental healthcare somewhere, they’re probably going to need it in the long run with such a racist controll-freak as a sorry excuse for a father

  276. Megan says

    It hurts, but look at it this way. You lost a relationship with a stupid man who does not care about your happiness, and you gained a relationship with a hopefully much cleverer man who definitely wants to make you happy.

    Yes, I am openly calling your father stupid — I’m sorry if that offends you, but well, I’m not going to beat around the bush. Remember that you didn’t get to choose who fathered you. You are not obliged to love this man, if he does not deserve it. If you love him, it’s a good moment to sit down and think why (other than just social norm that expects children to unquestionably love and respect parents). And if you don’t love him, why would you care about what he thinks about your relationship?

    It’s fastest and cleanest to cauterize the wound and move on. Be happy with your boyfriend and let the old hateful man live his own life… away from yours.

  277. a random dave says

    (Context: I’m a random person on the internet, who saw this link via fb.)

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this utter crap. It’s not at all your fault, and after some years, if your experience is similar to mine, you’ll have a great family of friends. Not that that really lessens how much this sucks, though. :|

    Best of wishes to you.

  278. Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle says

    Yeah, that’s right diddums, this is ALL about YOU, the poor little put-open white males. Fuck off, bigot.

  279. Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle says

    You are a horrible person. I pity the girls who have you as a father, ans the woman, for reasons completely incomprehensible to decent people, allowed you to breed.

  280. says

    The moment someone starts a sentence with “I have a reasonably high IQ” that’s when you should stop listening to them. It’s something I keep noticing. I feel they want to drag people into some sort of “IQ War”.

    It’s the ability to solve puzzles. Not dragonball Z.

  281. harrysanborn says

    Random internet stranger here too. Everything you said is right. There isn’t anything you could have or should have done differently. It is still an enormous loss. Screw anyone who says you should be happy to have the negative influence gone or any such thing. It’s nothing to be happy about. Make sure you allow yourself to grieve.

  282. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    Rey Fox:
    Seconded. I need to vomit. I am glad she banned him.
    That guy is doing caring human being ass backwards.

  283. dianne says

    if you you let your dad go, and you continue with your present beliefs, you will be ostracized – a pariah – and wind up a very lonely person.

    Dear Larry’s kids,

    Let me reassure you that this statement is untrue. Sometimes you have to let go of a relative who is abusing you to be able to live your own life.

    A little anecdote for you: My great-great-great grandfather disapproved of the boy my great-great grandmother was running around with. He was Irish and they were English (in ancestry-actually all of them were USians), he was Catholic, they were Protestant. Don’t know what sort of Protestant, but I’m guessing something rather Calvinist. Anyway, he told her to stop seeing him and that if she disobeyed she could go and darken his door no more.

    Her response is reported to be, “So I SLAMMED that door on the way out!” In short, she went off and married her guy and, as an old woman, liked to tell the story of their courtship to her many grandchildren (including my grandmother, who told me about it). She died old and surrounded by her loving family. She never reconciled with her father, but nonetheless did not end up alone, a pariah, or ostracized.

  284. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    Ashley is going through enough without your racist armchair psychology. I cannot believe the crap that you have spewed. She has found a wonderful PERSON to love, who loves her back. That is what matters. It has nothing to do with seeking her fathers’ acceptance. I will be glad when racist throwbacks like you join the Historical Slagheaps, because your views are deeply disturbing & anti-human. They have no place in the progressive, egalitarian society many of us are working towards.

  285. Tsu Dho Nimh says

    Janis Ian, 1967
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW_rYLoIR08

    Unfortunately, some people are still stick in the mid 1960s.

    Ashley, he may get over it, he may not, but can you think of him and think how wretched it must be living with his world view, where people are threats because of the way they look, not how they act. How much fear and fear-driven pride does it take to shun your daughter because of something as petty as skin color?

  286. Tony ∞2012 recipient of the coronal mass erection∞ says

    I agree Janine.
    In addition, allowing these views to go unchallenged, especially when Ashley is going through a rough time contributes to a nasty atmosphere, rather than a caring, supportive and compassionate world.

  287. says

    I have been told I have a considerable high IQ

    Not high enough to spell “considerably” properly, apparently. Statistically, people who can’t spell are probably dangerous and I wouldn’t want my children marrying one of them.

  288. watry says

    Another stranger offering condolences and virtual hugs.

    If this relationship works out and you do want a reconciliation, apparently the 2 years+grandchildren formula seems to be fairly common. Adding a data point: my cousin married a man my aunt and uncle very much didn’t approve of, but eventually realized they wanted a relationship with their (adopted) granddaughter. Shortly afterward they realized her husband was exactly the kind of man they’d always wanted her to marry.

  289. says

    Dear Ashley

    You said you appreciated sympathetic comments, otherwise I wouldn’t presume to give you advice.

    We’re only on this Earth for a few decades. I believe we should use that time to bring happiness to ourselves and others. Live your life according to your own conscience and values, not according to your father’s insecurities. You have chosen love over prejudice. What more is there to say?

    Maybe one day your father will have the willpower to break free of the ugly ideas he was raised with.

    I wish you and your partner a warm and happy relationship.

  290. Morriganscrow says

    From another stranger on the Intarwebz –

    My heart goes out to you, and your beloved Dad.
    So much joy sings through your descriptions of your Beloved, and it makes me smile in my Soul.
    May Healing and Beauty enter into this situation…for all of you, honey.
    I would like to offer, with your permission, to add your names, and this situation, to my Healing and Prayer List.
    Bright Blessings!

  291. Tyrant says

    Morriganscrow

    “So much joy sings through your descriptions of your Beloved, and it makes me smile in my Soul.”

    Are you drunk?

    “May Healing and Beauty enter into this situation…for all of you, honey.”

    Oh what condescending + useless crapola.

  292. says

    Larry, this may come as news to you, but your daughters…

    – may not be heterosexual.
    – may not want children.
    – may not even want to be married.

    You see, despite the fact that they don’t have the almighty penis, they are individual human beings who will grow up into adults with ideas and plans of their own. When they are grown-ass adults, they will stop being “rebels,” despite your notion that a daughter is obliged to obey her paterfamilias for life.

    I really hope they manage to escape from you and cut you off. Given your glaringly apparent belief that you “own” them, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re fucking them. That’s common in hideously patriarchal households.

    BTW, you really picked the wrong blog network on which to boast about your business degree “from a rather prestigious school.” It’s full of academics who actually teach at a variety of institutions, some of them quite prestigious, and all of whom have a better understanding of statistics than you do.

    Oh, and spare me the condescending lecture about how I’ll “learn the error of my ways” someday. I’m older than you, jackhole, and MY father isn’t a patriarchal piece of shit, either.

  293. Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle says

    I would like to offer, with your permission, to add your names, and this situation, to my Healing and Prayer List.

    How is adding her name to your list of people to talk to yourself about going to help, exactly?

  294. Tyrant says

    How is adding her name to your list of people to talk to yourself about going to help, exactly?

    Isn’t it obvious? It will remind our all-seeing omnipotent God that hey, something’s wrong here, and will thus compel Him to either a) make her Dad have an anti-racist epiphany, or b) finally convince Ashley that her feelings are really not important enough to make her Dad suffer like that, and apartheid, yeah!
    The creator of all that is and ever will be is currently still busy tossing a coin for which way it will go, because as history shows, when it comes to moral judgements, variety is king.

  295. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    Healing and Prayer Lists have done so much good.

    You do realize that this blog is part of a network of blogs that shares one thing in common, they are atheistic in nature.

  296. leretseh says

    I have received a few hits from this site on my blog (Violent Crimes). Thinking it may be a spam site I thought I’d check it out. I wasn’t going to post anything here until I read Larry’s comment. My comment regarding this thread is mainly directed at him.

    Larry, in spite of your claimed high IQ, I can’t believe you would fall for this tall-tail by little miss “smart-ass.” You claimed you read her bio. She’s a feminist, an atheist and , ergo, a socialist democrat. NEVER engage these people. NEVER do it. They lie at the drop of a hat. They will do anything unethical, even criminal, if they believe it will further their warped ideology. Their ideology drives them. Nothing else. Miss “smart-ass” is most likely making up this entire, or most of, what she writes in this anecdote. And you fell for it. Her major objective here is to SLAM her dad – the “southern conservative.”

    Here are a few thing’s I’ve spotted that tell me that most likely miss “smart-ass” is telling a tall-tale here.

    1) “Smart-ass” claims she has a black boyfriend. Well, where’s the picture of them smiling cheek to cheek? What a pic that be! This blog begs for that pic, yet it’s not prominently displayed at the top. Where is it? Well, it’s not there because “smart-ass” doesn’t have a black boyfriend (I explain why at the end of this post).

    2) “Smart-ass” implies she brought her black boyfriend over to surprise her family members for Thanksgiving. Yeah sure. Like he would be a willing party to THAT! Think about it. Also, “smart-ass” claims her Thanksgiving is celebrated by her dad, his wife and his ex-wife (smart-ass’ mom) …all present together? Wife and ex-wife at the SAME festivity? Doesn’t happen people. Smart-ass’ Thanksgiving “surprise” should NOT be believed. If it’s true “smart-ass” and you really did bring your black boyfriend, show everyone some Thanksgiving pictures. Okay? Oh, also tell us where he slept that night. REMEMBER , feminist/ atheist/ socialist … lie ALL the time. It comes very easy to them!

    3) “Smart-ass” claims she’s cut off from her dad,. Well if that’s the case, who’s paying for her graduate studies?

    4) “Smart-ass” claims that a “mutual friend introduced us” and it was a “long distance” thing. Oh yeah, now THAT sounds believable.

    5) No one with the professed beliefs of little miss “smart-ass” could acquire a boyfriend. Smart-ass’ beliefs and a boyfriend is like merging matter with anti-matter – KABOOM! Won’t work. Feminist are incapable of emotions or love. They are hate-filled women whom every male in his right mind would turn his back on.

    AGAIN, the WHOLE and ENTIRE purpose of “smart-ass’ made-up story here is to SLAM conservative ideals- and her dad. I don‘t doubt dad has told “smart-ass” to get lost! I would do the same if it were my daughter doing what she does. “Smart-ass” will get everything she deserves in life.

  297. Janine: Hallucinating Liar says

    And now we see just what type of person that Larry S.L was pulling his evidence from.

  298. AG says

    leretseh troll level = kitten-weak. I’d bet a quarter that this is Larry SL arguing with himself. (I’d further bet this is a common sight on the streets of Larry SL’s town.) In any case, I must say troll quality standards are slipping…

  299. says

    Smart-ass’ beliefs and a boyfriend is like merging matter with anti-matter – KABOOM! Won’t work. Feminist are incapable of emotions or love. They are hate-filled women whom every male in his right mind would turn his back on.

    Now I know how the world is going to end: One more feminist gets married!
    Somehow all their howling about how feminists never get somebody to fuck smells a bit like projection to me.

  300. says

    I hope that it plays out something like Robert Fulgham’s account of a “Mixed Marriage” he officiated at as a Unitarian minister. I believe it’s in Fulgham’s book It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It.

  301. tacoma-wa says

    I gotta say, I also find this blog to be more than a little unbelievable. Where is that picture of Ashley and her boyfriend?
    I also find it hard to believe Ashley would invite her boyfriend (who is black) over to of all thing g Thanksgiving without informing everyone. But let’s see the picture of Ashley and her boyfriend. Why hasn’t she posted it. Is she ashamed? I think Ashley is just after attention. What better way to get then to invoke racism charge. If she is making this up its the lowest thing anyone could do

  302. says

    You see, I think accusing Ashley of making this up is the lowest thing anyone could do. Perhaps what her father did in the first place edges it out.

    Ashley is under no obligation to you or anyone else to prove that she’s not lying about this. A track record of previous honesty on her part makes this comment from you remarkably thoughtless, not to mention ridiculous.

  303. uscjd2004 says

    Be sure to sacrifice a goat or two while you’re at it, fruitcake. False consolation and childish platitudes are of no value here or anywhere else.

  304. uscjd2004 says

    Your “conservative ideals” annul themselves when openly displayed. Your loathsome, risible, utterly fallacious comment provides perfect evidence of this.

  305. Paranoid Dominican says

    …in what state do Ashley and her boyfriend live? I find it really suspicious that all these “race realists” suddenly want a pictures of Ashley and her black boyfriend. I mean, if I was some Stormfront-following motherfucker, and I wanted to make an example of an interracial couple, and I was up for some IRL stalking and harassment….

    …Be careful, Ashley. They used to lynch men like your boyfriend over this sort of thing, and they still think fondly of those days. And of course, hugs and support, you have all my sympathies and it sucks that your father would do something that awful.

  306. says

    Excellent point. They probably want a picture of Ashley and her boyfriend so they can post it to Stormfront and get all the losers angry about one of “their” women being stolen by one of Those.

  307. says

    I’ve thought a lot about how you must have agonized about whether or not to post this, and about one of the reasons must have been the long-term consequences of exposing your father’s failings in this public way. People like him are likely to see it as an unwarranted and unconscionable attack on his pride and yet another reason to shun you. I feel blessed that I’ve never had to make so awful a choice about my own family.

    It makes me think of those polygamist men who sent their wives out to go into court and testify for them while hiding like cowards behind their fence – patriarchy depends on exploiting the discretion and decency of people in order to protect the pride of people who have nothing to be proud of.

  308. Rey Fox says

    To recap:

    The idea that an entire race of people is violent can be backed up with some anecdotes.

    The story of a woman having a black boyfriend and her dad disowning her for it needs photographs and notarized affidavits from all involved.

  309. Illuminata, Genie in the Beer Bottle says

    Where is that picture of Ashley and her boyfriend?

    Why? Got a tree that needs some strange fruit, bigot?

  310. Who Knows? says

    Wow. Everytime I think I’ve run across the absolutely most ignorant asshole on the Internet, someone like you comes around and tops the previous one.

  311. Who Knows? says

    Tony, most likely the problem lies in the damage done by the coronal mass erection you’ve received.

  312. gshevlin says

    I have a technical term for comments like this one. They are called “drive-by wankerdom”.

  313. gshevlin says

    And this is my first and last comment to Larry. You’re an arrogant, pompous, condescending wanker. Get lost.

  314. says

    My heart is breaking for a girl who lost her dad, but soaring for a girl who was able to see past all the things he might have taught her to find love with a human being who is comprised of so much more than the color of his skin. We cannot control the thoughts, beliefs and actions of others, and it’s disappointing to find out something so disheartening about the heart of someone we love, but you can be proud of the person you are who can be forgiving and continue to love him anyway. I hope he will find his way to compassion and acceptance and even appreciation someday.

  315. says

    I graduated from a rather prestigious business school…

    …and he can see Harlem from Mitt Romney’s yacht. When Donald Trump isn’t blocking his view and Sarah Palin isn’t giving him “starbursts,” that is. And that makes him an expert on race relations, because that’s what they teach white guys in business schools.

    What a laughable upper-class twit.

  316. says

    Right. Because what happens if she marries this guy, and they have a child together and that child grows up to be a community organizer, and then a law professor and then a US Senator and then President of the United States?

    Couldn’t happen because that child is “mixed”, right? Never, ever, ever happen.

    Wanker.

  317. Ichthyic says

    I don‘t doubt dad has told “smart-ass” to get lost!

    wait… you just blew your wad ranting at us that it was all a lie.

    you should have just said this one line and then STFU, idiot.

  318. says

    I’m going to have to agree with you. Unless I see a picture of Ashley, her boyfriend, her father, her mother, her step-mother, her birth certificate, her boy friend’s birth certificate, a judge, a llama and former president Jimmy Carter all to together in the same picture, and I have the negative in hand, how can I possible know that this otherwise reasonable story is completely true?

  319. what's Tom short for says

    I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I was cut off by my (also not-particularly-religious) bio-mom and it took a long, long time to process–to grieve, since, as you’ve said here, it was the loss of a parent, no matter how much better off I was without such people in my life.

    I hope you can take all the time you need for yourself, and are able to be around people who appreciate and support you and understand that you’re going through a terrible and unjust loss. You seem like a strong, compassionate, intelligent person with a partner who shares those qualities. If you choose to be a parent someday, I’m sure you will be an awesome one.

  320. Corvus illustris says

    “The Bible gets almost everything wrong, but when it speaks of the sins of the father being visited on the children, well, that part they got right.”

    This is part of the Divine Rant preceding the Exodus version of the 10 commandments, promising vengeance on the succeeding generations of those who break them–Divine Wrath as being rather like congenital syphilis. Congenital racism, OTOH, is exactly the thing from which Ashley Miller has escaped. With all respect, I claim that again the Bible is wrong. We evolve.

    Ms. Miller’s father does need to worry about that other biblical thing–something like inheriting the wind if you trouble your own house.

  321. Corvus illustris says

    Please accept a small, awkward virtual hug {} from someone who has always been an awkward hugger (Northerner, natural comfortable conversational distance about 3 ft). You seem to have made excellent arrangements for real-time hugs and it would be inappropriate for me to say anything.

    The thing I find most arresting about your essay (I don’t want to think about the pain it cost to write it) is the perfectly calm tone it maintains as it deals with subjects that carry deep emotion. It leaves both you and your father with your respective dignity. I hope he reads it–with comparable calm, at least after a while–and realizes that he’s not under personal attack. He may be able to summon up the courage for an attack on his convictions, and things can improve even in the medium run.

  322. says

    If I were dating a black girl, I wouldn’t feel the need to notify my family before bringing her to Thanksgiving. Then again, my family isn’t a bunch of racists, so that might be throwing you off.

  323. Childermass says

    “Romney never had a plan to fix the economy”

    Oh he had a plan to “fix” the economy. It was a stupid one. It was one that assumed the well being of the 0.01% determined the well being of the rest. It was a plan to be another “W” only worse.

  324. Rosie says

    Sometimes, bigotry comes from non-white family members as well. I’m black and I wasn’t able to attend the wedding of my cousin to a white woman. However, my sister was. What she told me about the wedding reception really appalled me. Yet . . . it did not surprise me. There were no open conflicts or anything of the sort between the families of the groom and the bride. But according to my sister, our relatives expressed to her, a good deal of bigotry, hostility and coldness over my cousin’s choice for his bride . . . behind the backs of the newly married couple. She never found out how the family of her new cousin-in-law felt about the groom.

    I believe it will be a long time before human beings in general learn to overcome their herd mentaility.

  325. The MadPanda, FCD says

    Methinks thou hast put it far too generously! Gad’s Hooks, the rascal is too cunning to be understood. Mayhap this is more of that ‘new thinking’ that doth confound the scholarly…

    The MadPanda, FCD

  326. Michelle B. says

    For what it’s worth, your dad’s behavior is on par with many religious institutions that threaten (or suppose to enforce) isolation and magical damnation if you don’t conform to their views. You will know best if he is ‘disowning you’ to compel you to conform to his views of what is “acceptable”.. or if he really wants to wash his hands of you because you don’t conform to his views…. Either way, it sounds like you wouldn’t be true to yourself if you tried to make him happy. You can still love your dad from afar (and don’t get me wrong, I value family very much)— but we get one circuit through life and I say do what will make you happiest.

  327. Little Magpie says

    Hi Ashley,

    Random internet stranger here offering condolences and hugs. I hope you and the BF have a great time together (and if he’s ends up being a “keeper” I hope you have a great life together.)

    It’s truly appalling that this can still happen in 2012.

    Stories like yours, and assorted commenters with similar stories, remind me every day to be grateful for my mostly-not-too-f’ed-up parents.

  328. Armanatar says

    I just got linked over here and I’m tossing my supportive feels in the collective pot. One of my partners was disowned for being bisexual and trans*, and watching zir go through that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The previous posters have already said just about everything I could, so’ll just say that my heart goes out to you, and I wish the best for you and your boyfriend.

  329. Donald Myers Jr. says

    I just discovered this blog. . . and wow. You’re a very strong person to talk about this, and hopefully after all is said and done you’re going to become even stronger through the experience. Love is never an ugly thing, and it’s a shame that your father does not recognize it. Hopefully, he will learn that lesson soon, but if he doesn’t you still have the support of a lot of people thank goodness.

  330. says

    Every dark cloud has a silver lining? At least a great blog post and some life lessons came out of it. I am dealing with some family issues for coming out atheist recently, so I can sorta kinda sympathize.

    Anyway, I shared this on Twitter and hope to increase your exposure a bit. I’m @securitynerdity on the Tweets.

    Best of luck on your PhD.

  331. Rush says

    I too would like to know more about ashely’s mr. wonderful. Why hasn’t he posted in this blog? Why is there no picture of him? I do believe this girl is making this stuff up. or at least it looks that way.

  332. bill shine says

    just forgive him, kiddo…he cant help himself…dont let it be your burden…i know of what i speak, ok?..I have a son, my oldest child, whom i have not spoken with since 1998…he has a son, my first grandson, who just turned 15, whom i have never met, n if it were not for Facebook, I would have no contact with…why?..because of something foolish I did when my son was 18, and for which he wont forgive me…just let it go…you’ll be better for it

  333. Ted Reab says

    What is wrong with you people? Some lady, who just happens to be a writter, pens an article about the effects her two month internet relationship has had on her life and everyone is, “Oh so sorry”. Are you kidding? First, she knew her father would not be receptive to this idea or she is a liar. Second, If she cared more about her father than her “fifteen minutes” she would have handled this completely different. Third, her father has a right to accept or reject her choice regardless of what any of you think, for whatever reason. Fourth, when she realized that the man she has actually know for a day or two, not counting the internet, has not made her father happy she choose to spread it all over the net instead of dealing with it on a personal level with her father. So what did she want? Her father’s acceptance or a stroy for her blog?

  334. says

    Hi Ashley:

    I’ve been dating my girlfriend for three years now and we’ve had to deal with this exact situation. Ironically, my girlfriend’s father had no interest in being in her life since she was born, yet felt the need to tell her he didn’t want anything to do with her. Also, that she was losing out on a large sum of money when he died, as if that’s what family is about? The rest of the family has acted pretty much the same. While having a job, and making a pretty good living as an artist (painter), her aunt even speculated that I was using her for money. I’ve never met any of these people, except for the time I was at her house and her mom pulled out a .22 and made us leave. Luckily I’ve lived a pretty adventurous lifestyle, so I was actually the only “cool” one during that chaos! My parents on the other hand love my girlfriend. Sometimes I think they love her more than me haha. She’s met a lot of my relatives, and no one cares to have any qualms about it. My mom has a creole/french background, so our family has a mixture of everyone just about. Like your boyfriend, it really doesn’t bother me as long as my girlfriend is ok. What pisses me off is to see how her family has treated her. Cutting off her help for college, to even asking her “why she is doing this to the family”? Her little sister has even brought her to tears. They don’t have to like me, they don’t know me, but to treat their daughter, and sister like that is beyond my understanding. That is why I have no desire to meet these people, even if by some chance they have a “change of heart”. I’m not going to let anyone treat me as if my “blackness” is some sort of time out punishment. I’ll get out of the corner when they are ready to meet me?…I’ll pass. I assumed her family was racist when I met her, considering the area in Louisiana we come from. I’m sure they thought I sold drugs and had gold teeth as well. Oddly enough, I was the one who was right in my assumption. I admit, out of all her family, I like her dad best. He doesn’t speak to her at all, which is a lot better than the rest of the family who try to make her feel awkward while inviting her to family events (me excluded). It’s to the point now that she only does holidays with my family. My parents encourage and always ask her if she’s spoken with her parents. Even after knowing her family doesn’t like me. Everything is always great , but there’s always a few awkward text from her family saying something weird. The family members that do speak to her always pretend like they don’t understand why she doesn’t visit. They act totally clueless to the entire situation as if it doesn’t exist and she is just being difficult.

  335. jayjay says

    i have nothing against someone making a free choice, but is it a little ironic that your mad at your father for making a free choice as well, maybe if you accept him he will accept you?

  336. fullerpd says

    why is it always the overweight woman who prefer the “interracial relationship”? just wondering

  337. Brandi says

    I recently saw your interview about this piece on aol and I had to write. One of the things you said about your father was that he is a tea party conservative and that you are a liberal. And you made it sound like that was the reason for him not liking who you are dating. As a moderate conservative I agree that you should date whom ever you want as long as it’s legal. How ever my family is liberal and if I would have ever brought home a person of a different ethnic background I would have been disowned. So it is not entirely about bein liberal or conservative. I am sorry for what happened to you and I pray that your father will see the error of his ways and come around.

  338. Ashley F. Miller says

    Politics was just the explanation of why our relationship was already strained at times, certainly his behavior regarding this isn’t representative of conservatives as a whole.

  339. Chrissy says

    I saw your video on AOL about being disowned by your father. it is sort of sad your dad doesn’t accept you for who you are but I have to be very frank, your comment about him being very conservative and a Tea Party kind of guy is completely out of line and as bad as your dad assuming things about someone because of skin color. You could’ve said that you had a strained relationship because you believe very different things and differ politically but to say he’s “the tea Party type” links the Tea Party with racism which is not at all true. There are many tea Party conservatives, like myself, that wants our govt limited to Constitutional powers and fiscal conservatism but are not in the slightest bit racist, sexist, or want to tell others how to live their lives. So don’t be a hypocrite and tie conservative politics with racism. We conservatives are sick and tired of being accused of racism just because our political beliefs. I am young, originally from the South and I am married to a very brown skinend Mexican man and I support tea Party conservative policies as does my husband. Don’t get upset about your dad being racist and then perpetuate other stereotypes.

  340. Sir Frank says

    All you people here expressing sympathies for this cockroach, you are all the valueless lowlifes and societal waste of America. And Ashley you are just another white trash loser. Do the white race a favor and never date another white dupe again. As for your father, God bless him for doing the right thing. Politics has nothing to do with this, you are just an attention wh*re with low morals. You are also a wh*re by itself, you dirty disgusting animal. I think this entire thing is about hurting your father actually, and in the meantime you were all too eager to taint yourself to do it. Well guess what, he did the right thing by purging the garbage out of his life! Every white father out there should do the same with their filthy garbage daughters who date blacks. Any white trash wh*re who dates blacks makes it clear to their family that she cares nothing about them or the consequences of her actions… so put your “racism” idiotic comments and shove it where the sun don’t shine. In fact you are the real racists who have rejected your own race.

  341. uscjd2004 says

    I see you’ve never “tainted” yourself by opening a book — how quaint and touching in this day and age. Tell me, what is it like being a vampire? Your attitudes date from the thirteenth century or so, so it isn’t altogether unreasonable to assume that your physical vehicle is of similar provenance. It must be quite a challenge to absorb the recommended allowance of Vitamin D while having such a strong aversion to the light of day. Good luck with that.

  342. Lola says

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, Ashley. Unfortunately it is a devastating situation to be in, knowing you’ve done nothing wrong and still knowing there is nothing you can do to “right” the problem as a result. At the end of the day, all you have to look forward to is what lies ahead of you and your boyfriend and taking this experience as a guide for how you choose to live your life and show your (potential) children what love is and isn’t.

    My family has been through and seen the changes between living in a third world, religion-based nation to the more free and liberal world that is the United States. It does hit my parents as culture shock from time to time, but I’m so thankful that they have mostly been able to roll with the tides in respect to social issues in just the 20 years we’ve been here. For the record, we moved to the US when my parents were near 30 years old, so they already had some sort of “embedded” idealistic image of what a family was and yet they’ve been so open as to understand that things aren’t exactly only what they’ve been taught in the past. It shows that change CAN come to those who truly are accepting and I can only hope one day there is a glimmer of hope for your relationship with your father.

    Until then, I can only send you and your boyfriend support and love which you seem to be receiving plenty of already.

  343. Andy says

    I, too, find it hard to believe sometimes that this type of mentality still exists. I understand that in the South, the hatred and fear is often deeply rooted in the older generations, and they were brought up with it their whole lives. Thankfully, it seems to be less and less with each successive generation, but it seems to hang on, like a tick that won’t release its hold. I thank God every day that I was never brought up with that mentality in my house–my parents raised me to judge everyone by their actions, not their backgrounds. I have never dated someone because of their skin color or their money situation or anything materialistic. I look for qualities that make them a good person, and a good match for me, no matter the package those qualities come in. So, over my dating life, I have dated white, black, Hispanic, Asian, older, younger, larger, smaller, tall, short, and every form of woman you can imagine. I am sorry that your father can’t see that a person’s worth is not based on their skin color, and that people are like Christmas presents–it doesn’t matter what kind of wrapping paper the present comes in. It’s what’s on the inside that counts.

  344. Brian Geary says

    “your father has forbidden me from seeing you in person.” Frightening. It sounds as though your father isn’t just racist; he is certainly misogynistic and controlling and, quite possibly, abusive, although I truly hope not. Your father is an unnatural father. Look at what his wife said – that she will stand by her husband. Why would anyone stand by a person (I won’t say man) who won’t stand by his own daughter – flesh of his own flesh – the person he is supposed to love above all? That’s just not natural and it certainly isn’t Christian. Good luck in your relationship. I wish you well. I made a break from a hateful parent and never regretted. I hope you won’t, either. Remember – HE rejected YOU. That makes him unworth of you.

  345. uscjd2004 says

    Spewing this kind of primitive, unlettered ordure shows that you’d make a perfectly good Salafist, as it is quite clear that you consider women to be nothing more than disposable containers. You’re a sick puppy.

  346. Jay says

    You have every right to date a black man, but don’t forget your father has just as much of a right to not see you anymore because of it.

    And yes, I 100% agree with him. It’s too bad young whites today have nothing but loathing for their own race.

  347. LarryADad says

    Dear Ashley:
    You are being a tad bit of a drama queen on this. I can assure you, as a father of 3 daughters and 3 sons, that a father never disowns their child. However, you are the one who is providing for what amounts to be a lynching of your father. I can find no public blogs where he has trashed your reputation, and if he did, more people would believe him than you. I can find no public forums where your father has tried to jin up hate and labels against you. You should ask yourself why he has not. How do we know you have NOT been a drug addict, or a sex worker or all those things you say you have NOT been? You felt it necessary to defend against those issues and all we have is your word and almost alwys there is two sides to every sad family story. No, I do not believe you have been any of those things by the way. What you have done and the comments in “support” are completely “age appropriate”. I suspect you are a media attention seeking little girl who is using this rather minor internal family issue to demonize your father in order to get on a talk show or some other non sense. You seem to forget that quite often black families oppose inter-racial relationships every much as some whites do. It is strongly opposed in the Jewish faith, and outlawed in Israel.
    You yourself have said that you and your father have clashed over opposing worldviews, we all know where our family members stand, so I dare ask, why poke your finger in his eye? You know, as well as everyone else, that is what you were attempting to do, when you tried to set up that not so innocent “lunch”. You need to be intellectually honest.Your father does NOT have to accept your life choices. You are throwing a child tantrum in public because he won’t.
    Everyone has a right to their own views, your lifestyle is not superior nor more correct than your fathers. I suspect you knew very well what his views were, you could have sent him a letter or called him on the phone or some other mature approach. You deserve no sympathy.
    Life is too short for adult children to use their parents in order to obtain 5 minutes of fame or an audition for some form of reality TV.
    By the way, I would never disown my children for anything, I would however express my views and opinions if there was a conflicting viewpoint and assume that they would be mature enough to understand that I am a unique and distinct individual with a set of beliefs, just as they are and I do not require them to change nor should they require me to. I sincerely hope and pray that you get things right with your father, I was not able to do so with mine and years later it still bothers me. Boyfriends and girlfriends are like taxi cabs, they come along every 5 minutes, that is not so with family. This is not that big a deal.

  348. says

    Finally, a parent who knows WTF is going on.
    Can’t wait till I see this spoilt useless piece of skin, white trash broad in a beat whitey night you tube video.
    Better yet, stuffed in a dumpster in the back alley of a local housing complex.
    Go cry me a river you demented brainwashed freak.

  349. stubby says

    I know there are plenty of stupid, ignorant, racist people out there, but it’s still a bit depressing to see so many of them in one place.

  350. LarryADad says

    Those who have taken up for the father’s view by using such profane language and terminology is as bad as those who resort to name calling in defense of Ashley and are all to quick to demonize her father. I am quite sure that if Ashley’s father observed some of you calling her her these names in person, he would be quick to intervene as a father, regardless of his family dispute with his daughter.

  351. Ichthyic says

    Can’t wait till I see this spoilt useless piece of skin, white trash broad in a beat whitey night you tube video.
    Better yet, stuffed in a dumpster in the back alley of a local housing complex.
    Go cry me a river you demented brainwashed freak.

    I think you should write that in a letter, sign it, and send it to Ashley.

    That way, she would have a permanent record to take to the cops.

    surely, you’re convinced you’re right, and proud enough to say it here. Go ahead, send that letter.

    see what happens.

  352. Ichthyic says

    a father never disowns their child.

    personal anecdote from complete and utter ignorance.

    useless bugger.

  353. Ichthyic says

    It’s too bad young whites today have nothing but loathing for their own race.

    it’s too bad losers like yourself blame others for the inability to have relationships with others.

  354. Ichthyic says

    I suspect you knew very well what his views were

    so, it’s a good thing in your mind to tolerate racism and bigotry, and lie about who you are, in order to what…

    maintain a relationship that itself is based on a lie?

    denial much?

    I’d hate to be one of your kids, seriously.

  355. Ichthyic says

    “the tea Party type” links the Tea Party with racism which is not at all true.

    LOL

    yeah, sure.

    you just keep telling yourself that.

  356. Ichthyic says

    Third, her father has a right to accept or reject her choice regardless of what any of you think

    Hey, fuckwit.

    he didn’t just decide he disagreed with her choice… HE FUCKING DISOWNED HER.

    sorry, but getting tired of the utter cluelessness in so many of these comments.

  357. Rush says

    Ashley, yes, she is quite a little “attention whore”. I didn’t want to use those words in my first post here. Obviously, she wants to trash her dad. However, there’s no interest in this blog without the charge of racism – and all the more acute considering her dad is a southerner. Where is the pic of this guy she left dear ole dad for? Where is ONE post in this thread from that mr. wonderful?

    HE DOES NOT EXIST

    If this one good thing for Ashely to take from this otherwise completely trashy and ridiculous blog, it’s the exposure of all the simple-minded people who have come in here and offered her their unconditional support. What GULLIBILITY! These simpletons are RIPE for the plucking!

    >>>> Ashely, just tell all your mental midget supporters here that you’ve just acquired title to the Golden Gate Bridge…and you’ll it to let it go – to them only – at a “bargain basement” price. <<<<<

    Is there any why I can get the email addresses of Ashely's supporters here? I'd be willing to pay! And I'm not kidding…

  358. Rush says

    “I was disowned for having a black boyfriend.”
    THAT is Ashley’s “black” boyfriend?

    Well, it is now very obvious to me why Ashley didn’t post a picture of her “boyfriend.” She knew no one would look at “Emmett” and think for ONE FLEETING SECOND he was a black man. That, of course, would taint the whole racist tag she is slamming her dad with. That is, she wanted people to conjure up the image of the ave. looking black man e.g. Eddie Murphy, or even Obama. Emmett looks nothing like an African-American. Does he actually refer to himself as an African-America? I’ve never seen a black male with what looks like natural and completely straight hair. He could pass for a Polynesian, a Mexican, an Arab… QUESTION: Why on earth would Ashley post THAT link?! If it doesn’t completely destroy her credibility, it certainly damages it. If I supported Ashley here, I would feel used.

    Finally, my gut tells me something is not right about this “relationship” Ashley has cook-up here. Okay, said my peace. I’m done with this blog…and this very strange person named Ashley as well.

  359. Paranoid Dominican says

    @Rush: Your little photo-baiting attempt at #218 was noted. Fuck off. I had your like pegged back in #205.

    @The rest of the cowards rushing onto this post months later: how pathetic. I hope Ashley’s relationship is going very well; it’s the best punishment she can inflict on you.

  360. Vetri says

    I don’t think we can blame your dad for what he did. As your step-mom said, that is how he brought up in Southern US.
    Before starting love if anybody was attracted to opposite race just for the sake of their skin color or features, he/she is a racist who is being narrow minded.
    I believe you are of that type like millions of Americans. If you haven’t given importance to appearance, you might have gotten Asian or Latino or white guy who is the best sole-mate for your entire life. You dad might have approved any non-Black (I am not sure).
    I am not saying that your love with your black man is not genuine. It must be true, but it need not be life long because first step in your love was just physical attraction due to skin color.
    1000s of so-called white women and black men couple being ended in divorce rate which is multiple times higher than same-race couples. They also loved their partner just like you do now.

    What if, you or those divorcee were never attracted to skin color or features?
    Any racial preference in dating is also racist [including white men just for the sake of same race].

    As you knew, you mom brought you to this world and you dad took care of you right from the sec you arrived to this world.
    Please don’t be like majority of stupid Americans, you should try to bend in favor of him.
    In my opinion, you and your boyfriend separate temporarily for 3 months and test your love if it was mere interracial attraction coated with induced love.
    Even after three months if you both feel the same, you and your boyfriend should live forever and pray to god for your Dad’s change of mind.

    God Bless you!

  361. Vetri says

    I don’t think we can blame your dad for what he did. As your step-mom said, that is how he was brought up in Southern US.
    Before starting love if anybody was attracted to opposite race just for the sake of their skin color or features, he/she is a racist who is being narrow minded.
    I believe you are of that type like millions of Americans. If you haven’t given importance to appearance, you might have gotten Asian or Latino or white guy who is the best sole-mate for your entire life. Your dad might have approved any non-Black (I am not sure).
    I am not saying that your love with your black man is not genuine. It must be true, but it need not be life long because first step in your love was just physical attraction due to skin color.
    1000s of white women and black men couples being ended in divorce at a rate which is multiple times higher than same-race couples. They also loved their partner just like you do now.

    What if, you or those divorcee were never attracted to skin color or features?
    Any racial preference in dating is also racist [including white men just for the sake of same race].

    As you knew, your mom brought you to this world and you dad took care of you right from the sec you arrived to this world.
    Please don’t be like majority of stupid Americans, you should try to bend in favor of him.
    In my opinion, you and your boyfriend separate temporarily for 3 months and test your love if it was mere interracial attraction coated with induced love.
    Even after three months if you both feel the same, you and your boyfriend should live together forever and pray to god for your Dad’s change of mind.

    God Bless you!

  362. Raymond says

    I’m really sorry that conditional love is all your father has to offer you. What’s painful to me is that it seems like he overcompensated his stance, (forbidding your step mom from seeing you in person and being overly pompous about his decision). I’m sorry. I don’t know the full dynamics but this coldness will just manifest itself in a different way had you married a white man. It’s not your fault it’s really not. There’s somehting in him that he needs to face that’s causing him to separated from his flesh and blood so coldly.

    Don’t become cold yourself. Continue to practice unconditional love and treat others the way you want to be treated. Maybe you dad will come around.

  363. says

    Well, Ashley, I am in the same boat. I too have been disowned for loving someone my father does not approve of, someone of a different race and culture. This problem is more common than we think!!

    Fathers can be nasty. It is not fair for them to force us to choose between a relationship with them and the men we love. The way I see it is that we were raised to be independent free-thinkers. Human beings, not judging a book by its cover. It is easy for some to say that we should give our dads the finger and go on with life, and there are many people without empathy (as seen in some of the comments made by some people earlier) that find it easier to judge you because they are incapable of understanding how frustrating it is to have a racist parent.

    But it all boils down to what feels right to YOU. And hate, prejudice, intolerance, racism…those don’t solve anything. In my mind, bowing down to my father’s wish and ending my engagement is almost just as bad as being racist myself because it justifies his actions.

    Would love to hear an update since it has been a while since you posted this. The online community has your back!! Or hey at least I do :)

  364. says

    I hope these parents feel guilty. But I think that once they reach a certain point, they have too much pride to even acknowledge their guilt. Maybe even to themselves. My dad is playing the victim in all this “how could you do this to me….after all I have done for you…” blah blah blah. I wonder how much is pure selfishness and how much is pride.

    The whole thing just gives me a headache. i wish parents could just be happy for their children.

  365. says

    White men seem to be so racist in this day and age. I say to the white women out there feel free to date all the black men you want. I feel they are better in every way including looks and intelligence. The white man has exploited these men for centuries and it is time to put a stop to this and date black men.

  366. says

    her father has a right to accept or reject her choice regardless of what any of you think, for whatever reason

    Has anyone claimed differently? Has anyone called for him to be arrested? Seriously, this is a long thread, I may well have missed it. Is there anyone who has said anything remotely like that or is this just a strawman?

    He has the right to do it. He does not have the right to have everyone else agree with him.

  367. Holly says

    Wow, the cockroaches have really come out of the woodwork for this one, haven’t they? Like someone said above, it is depressing to see so many of them in one place.

    >>I can assure you, as a father of 3 daughters and 3 sons, that a father never disowns their child.

    It’s a tough call, because there’s lots of competition in the posts above, but I nominate that for the stupidest statement in this whole thread. (I can assure you, as the daughter of a father who did, that some fathers do disown their child. WTF.)

    Ashley, I don’t know you, but you’re handling this situation with a degree of grace that is enviable. I’ve been nearly immobilized by pain, anger, and depression during the past year. My 6-year-old still asks to call him sometimes; and the last time, he cried when Grandpa still refused to answer the phone. I just can’t imagine ever forgiving him for that.

    Every child deserves parents who love them unconditionally; but we don’t all get to have them. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m very sorry for your loss. {hug} And thank you for being awesome.

  368. David Henderson says

    Geno= Gene
    Cide= Death

    Race mixing is Genocide.

    Your children are your immortality. You are brainwashed. The African race has accomplished nothing. Europeans explored and conquered this world. When they arrived in Africa it was full of black savages living in filth and squalor in mud huts existing off the land. They had not even invented the wheel. They were seen as sub human and only good for labor. Slavery was seen as a humane way to lift blacks out of their squalor. They got housing, medical care, food and fresh water in return for their labor.

    You are not a nerd. A nerd is smart. A nerd sees the facts. You would rather believe the television artificial social constraints and taboos are evidence of black equality. You believe race is only external skin color. You are a fool. Race is DNA. And your DNA will not go on. Your genetic linkage will be forever severed from your family tree. Your linage will be eradicated in one impregnation. Your entire ancestry will be destroyed based on your brainwashed decision. Your father sees the truth in the lies. The black man wants to improve his DNA at the expense of yours. By doing so everything is ruined.

    You cannot unscramble an egg. You cannot un mix paint. You cannot bring back an extinct species, at least not until the white man discovers how too.

    Half the people on your thread approving of your brainwashed self destruction are not white. Naturally they your choice. But nobody can replace your family.

  369. David Henderson says

    I just watched the video where she sells out her own Father to the modern day racist witch hunt meat grinder. She can’t see the forest through the trees. She had not problem selling out her own father causing him to lose his job and become a pariah by those whites who are also afraid of the modern day racist witch hunt meat grinder even though they may agree with her father.

    When you create an environment of fear and taboo of consequences for telling the truth – you will never get the truth from people. Racism is not hate. It is natural normal and healthy. It’s not something you should even need to discuss or talk about as a white person unless you are proactively defending yourself from the brainwashed masses torches and pitchforks.

    I’m surprised she’s not on Oprah. Why not see to it your own Father is on the streets because he cannot get a job or customers from other people, specifically whites who are also afraid of guilt by association from the modern day racist witch hint meat grinder? What a wonderful daughter you are.

    I wish you nothing but a mediocre life, high levels of debt, ugly mixed babies with dark oily skin, pig noses, slangy eyes, short statures, small penises and big heads, and high levels of non dischargeable student loan debt with your worthless degree.

    I am an equal opportunity racist and wish this on all white girls who race mix. Especially those who seek to use the modern day racist which hunt meat grinders to pariah their parents.

    Enjoy your debt and your worthless college degree….

  370. says

    I was going to reply, but a person that far off into the fringes of racism is not productive to debate. You’re a hateful little bigot and your kind is, happily, fast dying out. You will go the way of the dodo and we’ll have one less idiotic reason for people to hate each other.

    Good riddance.

  371. Fred says

    You are mentally ill. You bought all the Jew propaganda. This will not turn out well it never does.

  372. Fred says

    I am right. Time will tell but in the meantime her family is devastated. Why? Because they know right from wrong. Ashely will have to learn the hard way.

  373. says

    I am right.

    Well, with arguments like that, how can I possibly disagree.

    Time will tell but in the meantime her family is devastated. Why? Because they know right from wrong.

    Correction: Because her father was intolerant and would rather break up the family than accepting his daughter dating a man from a different ethnic group.

    Ah, but we can’t say that, can we? That would be admitting that the whole problem actually stems from racism itself; that if racists just stopped being racists, the problem would entirely disappear, because there’s nothing inherently wrong with interracial couples. Better spin it to pretend that it’s all her fault… somehow.

    Just the kind of dishonest shit I’ve come to expect from vicious little bigots like you.

  374. Ashley F. Miller says

    So it’s my responsibility to keep my father’s behavior secret rather than his responsibility not to behave badly? I didn’t make him a pariah — he chose his behavior, not me.

  375. Rush says

    I reiterate:

    QUESTION: Why on earth would Ashley post THAT link (#246) to prove the existence of her black boyfriend?! If that LINK doesn’t completely destroy her credibility, it certainly damages it. If I supported Ashley here, I would feel used.

    Is THAT why the link (comment #246) has been disabled?

    I still stand by first thought regarding Ashley’s mysterious black boyfriend (who has not posted ONE time in this thread)::He does NOT exist.

  376. says

    If I supported Ashley here, I would feel used.

    That’s because you’re an idiot.

    Good news, though: You don’t have to be. You can stop at any time.

  377. Laughing My Ass Off says

    Any father with a bit of sense would disown you. Not even the Arabs (Muslims) allow blacks to marry their daughters even if they convert i’m from Europe and have seen this first hand. But your in America so I dont care, you people mix as much as you want you are already mixed anyway

  378. says

    So, you’re a racist and don’t know either spelling, punctuation or the difference between a person’s race and religion. Finally, you came here, nearly a year after this was originally posted, to say that you don’t care one way or the other.

    Do you often find that people look at you strangely, shake their heads and walk away? Because I think I know why.

  379. Laughing My Ass Off says

    I was searching for something and this came up. So call me a racist, I don’t give a shit. Blacks are looked down on here where I live, even Arabs and other immigrants do that. If a black man came home to an Arab he would get shot and the girl would get honor killed I can tell you.

  380. says

    Yeah, other people are racists too, so that makes it okay. Hell, even the Arabs dislike black people. Even the Arabs. If those filthy fuckers dislike black people, they must be really bad.

    Yes, you’re a racist. You’ve pretty much eliminated all doubt on that point.

  381. Laughing My Ass Off says

    Do you think I care if you call me racist haha, I laugh at you in your face. It’s nornal to be racist. Europeans and Arabs are racist, Turks are racist, Kurds are racists, Vietnamese are racist. I have friends from all of these people, I know first hand their racism and they are open about it. Nobody cares. Blacks are seen as stupid unintelligent monkeys here because they rape and don’t work or run businesses or do anything.

  382. says

    Of course you don’t care. That’s why you keep coming back, telling us about how you don’t care. Over and over again, you feel the need to inform us that you don’t care. Apparently, it’s very important to you that there’s no doubt how little you care.

  383. Laughing My Ass Off says

    No I come to tell you how things are here and how her father was even soft on her, you don’t like it so you call me a racist and to that I say I don’t care. You got nothing else to throw now that you see I don’t care about your racism label hahah, idiot.

  384. Ex wife says

    My husband, who has always seemed to be homophobic, is having an affair with a lesbian who is a dyke. She has been a proclaimed lesbian since she was a teenager, now they are both middle aged. My husband has always been what he calls “a guys guy” which to me mainly meant he liked to hang out and drink beer with the guys. This girl also liked to hang out and drink beer with the guys. I never gave her a second thought because I just assumed she was “one of the guys.” Imagine my shock when he came to me wanting a divorce so he could be with this girl. I had no idea such a relationship could even exist. If anyone can shed any light on this situation for me I would really appreciate it. Is it real, or an infatuation?

  385. Gianni Mezzanotte says

    Ashley, your dad is right. You are a race-traitor. You’re gonna get beat up by your black boyfriend someday !

  386. LovelyLeo says

    Racism, sexism, homophobia…the list goes on and on. What a waste of energy. Hate takes so much energy. I too had this same scenario happen to me. I have two beautiful, smart, loving mixed children. They will never meet their grandfather and seldom see their grandmother because she doesn’t want to upset my father. If my husband ever told me or insinuated that I couldn’t see my children he wouldn’t be my husband for long. Any racist I have met is usually psychologically damaged. Low self-esteem. Socially inept. Just my opinion. I’m not going to say it will get better Ashley, but you have to realize it will never be the same.

  387. Reality Check says

    The reason your dad disowned you is simple. He invested his genes into you, in hopes that you would make good decisions and he would live on after he dies, genetically. So you shack up with a black guy, who are at the very bottom of the social hierarchy. That means your children, and your father’s grandchildren, are going to inherit every racial disadvantage from the black guy. Your children will not be white, they will be black, and they will have every disadvantage that comes with being black. So why did your dad disown you? Because you completely fucked up his genetic legacy. You put his genes at an evolutionary disadvantage by investing his genes in a man with low genetic stock value. Of course your dad is going to be upset, but you are too blinded by ideals to see this. There are ideals, and then there’s the real world.

    A couple notes. Black men and white women have the highest divorce rate in the country. Black men have the highest rate of HIV and STDs in the country. Black men are infamous for bailing on the woman after she gets pregnant. If he does that to you, and you’re a single mother with a black child, you will have zero value in the dating market. No decent man wants to spend his hard-earned resources raising some other man’s black bastard child. Harsh? Yes, but that’s reality. So choose wisely. It may work out for you, or it may not.

  388. Khantron, the alien that only loves says

    @Reality Check 461

    You say that Ashley’s father was right to disown her because of some bullshit about genetic legacy. This is all the insight of someone who literally only read the title of “The Selfish Gene” and misinterpreted it to mean “Individuals Only Care About Their Genes.” In real life people generally don’t have motivations based purely on Machievellian schemes to spread their genes, which is something you would know if you have had the slightest understanding of social interactions. But even if it’s true, even in our racist-ass society, the sort of open racism you display here is of much lower social value than having a darker skin tone, all else being equal.

    So, when are you going to disown yourself?

  389. Francisco says

    You disgust me. Your father cries his eyes out every day and you do not even understand why.

  390. vondam says

    What do you know of love?

    Your hateful spiteful c*nt. Your shitting on thousands of years of your white ancestors.

    Whites and blacks and asians are 3 different species. Only fraudulent marxist political agenda means all the real DNA science now has to be kept quiet.

    And the stupid DNA test you had is false as well. They are just trying to tell people race does not exsist so that white women destroy the white race by race mixing.

    Your no hero, your an animal. Your father is a good man. My heart bleeds for him that he had such a worthless cu$t of a daughter.

  391. vondam says

    Lol at liberals asking for unconditional love.

    Unconditional love is valueless. Someone who offeres you that has no concept of what love is.

    Love is when someone is prepared to sacrafice themself’s or put themselfs at great risk for someone else.

    Like her father did. He disowned her out of love. And he put himself at risk, and the outed him.

    She is pure evil. Hateful and worthless POS. Set about destroying civilisation right down to her own ex familys DNA.

    She will be more closely related to every white person that ever lived then her own kids if she has any.

    But funny thing is. She is already gone anyway. I feel sad for her father. Its a terrible blight thats been sicced on us.

    Maybe soon tho, all white women will get to live with black prince in detroit.

    That would be the best thing for white women. If we could take away all the comforts we gave them, and let them live like they do in hati.

  392. Luke Mcnamara says

    Vondam if anyone is worthless it is you. How fucking dare you make vile hateful remarks to someone who dates someone they love. Dear God you are the most stupid person I know and I would love very much to crush you balls in my bare hands you are a waste of space. How fucking dare you say that she is hateful when you are the one making outright hateful comments. There is no hope for animals like you and you obviously live in a trailer park with nobody to love. Just who the fuck do you think you are? You are a good for nothing loser who will never amount to anything and you know it so quit calling this girl hateful, cunt, and an animal they are both human, if you are to stupid to realize that then the one who is a worthless piece of shit is you. People like you make me want to vomit and if I didn’t know any better I’d say both your parents hate your guts because who would want to love a blithering idiot who doesn’t even know anything? You are Satans Son and best child. Have fun burning in hell with Satan consistently sucking your penis for all eternity while Ashley and her boyfriend are in heaven laughing at your pathetic loser ass. You should do the entire world a favor and kill yourself, because nobody likes you. Wow Asians, Blacks, and Whites are not different species you pathetic moron. Wow how can anyone stoop to your level of stupidty, that makes me sad, there is absolutely no hope for you, ever.

  393. stay with your own kind says

    White women should think twice before getting involved with a black. First of all, the divorce rate by the tenth year of marriage for black male/white female relationships is the highest of any pairing, twice the white/white rate. They also involve greater rates of spousal abuse and infidelity. Your children will look nothing like you. Many white women feel strange when they see their brown baby, and don’t connect with it. Many white women dream of passing on their beautiful hair, and are sadly disappointed that their brown baby has frizzy nappy hair.

    If you look at IQ scores, American blacks have an average IQ of 85, Hispanics 90, Gentile whites 100, east asians 103-106, Ashkenazi Jews 110. When you have a child, regardless of the parents IQ, on average the child’s IQ regresses to the mean of the race of the parents. So if you take a genius white or black couple, on average the child’s IQ regresses to the mean of their respective races. The child of a black/white pairing will regress to the mean that is in between the two races.

    Wide spread race mixing by whites will have disastrous effects on the world. A world without whites would be a world without most of the great inventions of mankind. No electricity, no computer, no internal combustion motor, flight, aerospace technology, modern medicine, etc. I’m sure most of the people on this forum believe that the plight of blacks is because of wicked evil whitey, but the reality is that Africa was poor and backwards before white colonialists arrived, and it’s still poor after they left. The most advanced countries in Africa are former colonies, the most backwards were never colonized; Liberia(run up until recently by freed American black slaves), and Ethiopia. When you look at the bell curve for blacks and whites you will see the reason why they’re aren’t many blacks in occupations that require a high IQ; this is not racism, they’re simply aren’t enough blacks of the required intelligence level for certain occupations. Denial of racial differences is dangerous. Whenever blacks are under represented in anything, people are quick to blame it on white racism rather than not enough blacks meeting the level of intelligence needed for the occupation.

    Also the crime rates will rise. The single greatest predictor of the amount of crime in any given area is the number of black and Hispanic people, the correlation is .81., if you control for poverty, education, and unemployment it’s .78. There is no correlation between poverty and crime, and some studies show their is a slightly negative correlation. Blacks are 13% of the population but commit 50% of the violent crimes, most of which are committed by black males between 18-25, so around 3% of the population commits most of that 50%. Prison IQ studies show that the sweet spot for crime is an IQ of 85; you’re just smart enough to engage in criminal activity, but not smart enough to know that crime doesn’t pay. Low IQ and low impulse control is the reason for the black condition. Scientists conducted an experiment involving white and black children. The children were offered a choice to receive one bite sized snickers bar now, or two a couple days later. More often than not the white children chose to defer consumption in order to get the extra candy bar, the black children on the other hand chose instant gratification. When you look at the different environments blacks and whites evolved in, this makes sense. Whites evolved is cold northern climates, which required greater intelligence in order to plan for and survive the harsh winters. Blacks on the other hands did not need to plan for the same conditions and could thus live in the moment; as many blacks tend to do So unless we want America turning into another 3rd world Latin American country, we should keep it white. In the Latin American countries, the Spanish Conquistadors mixed with the native populations, and look at the results compared to America, no where near the innovation. White Americans invented a standard of living the world has never seen before.

    Also if you want to say that wide spread discrimination on the part of the justice department is the reason for the number of black people in prison, think again. If you compare the National Crime Victimization survey with DOJ arrest and conviction statistics, is shows the police are only going after the criminals. This isn’t to say that there is no discrimination in individual cases, but by and large it is not a problem. Also the arrest rates of blacks when compared to the NCVS shows that percentage wise blacks are actually targeted less than other races by police according to the victims.

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