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I can understand how some people think that life had an intelligent designer, because life is intricate, delicate, complex and amazing. But I don’t understand how anyone could look at the Bible and think that it had an intelligent designer, because the Bible is a jumbled clusterfuck of atrocious stupidity.

For example, I hear an awful lot about how “God” [the Bible] defines a ‘proper’ marriage, and I have to point out that the Bible doesn’t define marriage the way the Religious Right wants to believe it does.

Today I have the honor of officiating another wedding. This will be the 3rd such ceremony I have performed. All three have been heterosexual couples, one man and one woman. I’m OK with doing gay weddings too. I especially look forward to lesbians kissing at the end.  But so far no one has ever asked me to conduct a marriage the way the Bible defines it; between one man and several dozen head of suppressed human cows.

The Bible doesn’t require that the man limit himself only to a bevy of wives -even though they all have to patiently wait their turns with him; the man may also capture under-aged prisoners of war and enslave them for sexual purposes. He may also rape any of the female slaves belonging to any of his wives, though his wives don’t have the right to enjoy their own slaves the same way he can. The wives can’t even play mistress to their male slaves. To prevent this, male slaves might have to have their male-ness rendered inoperable or absent. Some interpretations require surgical procedures for the wives too -just to prevent them from being able to enjoy what only men are allowed to enjoy. Double-standards apply because the wives are just women and therefore not awarded equal rights or status under God’s infinitely infallible and infinitely just misogynistic laws promoting slavery, genital mutilation, and the molestation of minors.

In addition to his dozens of forcibly frustrated monogamous wives and all his assorted sex slaves, the Bible also permits that the man may have any number of concubines; those are essentially sexual pets that the man gets to keep on the side and use how he pleases whenever he wants regardless how any of his many wives feel about that.  But concubines are also expendable, because he owes no legal or financial obligation to them -even if they bare his children. They are Commitment-free live-in adulteresses readily available for in-home fornication (whenever the man can find an extra minute or ounce of remaining energy) and these are made legal by an invisible loophole in religious law. Gotta have a few concubines around the house too, right? You can’t have too many submissive yet unsatisfied sexual receptacles, right?

How dare these religious fundamentalist fuckwits pretend to preserve the ‘sanctity’ of marriage “as the Bible defines it”.