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Apr 25 2014

How To Stop Masturbating

Just follow these simple steps!

A — Avoid tempting situations as much as possible.

N — Say no to lustful thoughts in five seconds.

T — Turn the mind toward Christ as a superior satisfaction.

H — Hold the promise and pleasure of Jesus in your mind to drive other thoughts out.

E — Enjoy a superior satisfaction in Christ.

M — Move into a useful activity away from idleness and other vulnerable situations.

Oh come on. Really? I got a better idea!

1. Sex is kind of fun. As long as you are safe and take precautions of course.

2. You can have sexy thoughts. Both men and women have them. Sex is a perfectly natural thing and the fact you feel shame about it is a deeply ingrained response. Sex is how we got here. And you would be surprised about how normal your “lustful thoughts are”.

3. The Body of Christ Compels you? Well if that’s what you like.

4. I understand it’s awfully hard to compete with the son of god, but give us ordinary Joes/Joannas a try.

5. You really seem to like Christ in a rather sexy way.

6. Cold showers? Really!

Look sex is natural, sex is fun. By telling men and women to not enjoy sex and be all angry and pent up you aren’t helping anyone and just teaching disappointment.

Your god cannot be more mad at you having sex than at some arsehole torturing people for profit. So relax and enjoy yourself. It’s not satanic, it’s not evil, it’s just normal. Any fantasy you have is probably not new.

4 comments

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  1. 1
    richardelguru

    I suppose masturbating in a cold shower might be fun for some people??

  2. 2
    busterggi

    Chain your hands & feet together from behind but don’t enjoy it.

  3. 3
    culch

    A radical prostatectomy and Lupron injection worked for me, dammit.

  4. 4
    anne mariehovgaard

    Enjoy a superior satisfaction in Christ

    but remember to wear a condom.

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