Not the Ducks – How To Make A Homosexual

Long time anti-vax quack Erwin Alber’s got the answer to the age old question.

In what wardrobe have all these homosexuals being hiding in. Was there really some sort of “Gay Narnia”, a natural habitat for homosexuals so deep within the closet that they never were noticed? Or did something in our modern day lives create them? Or indeed should we subscribe to the “crazy” theory that homosexuality is part and parcel of normal existence and that we should ignore any such attempts to make a big fuss about them and leave them to get on with their peaceful lives as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone.

But my crazy theory that the GLBT are simply normal human beings who like something I don’t consider attractive. I see it as no more different than people who are enthralled by dub-step or indeed how others probably see my love for Marmite and Irn-Bru.

But for many people the existence of homosexuals is a “problem”. The simple existence of one drives some people to apoplectic rage or to turn from nice and well mannered people (or people who appeared to be nice and well mannered) to bigots.

But fear not. Erwin Alber’s on the case!

For those who are unaware? Erwin Alber is an anti-vax expert who routinely makes rather terribly unscientific medical claims and pretends to be a medical expert.

13 Likes! You know this man is good at his job! Part of me wants to dismiss it with a innuendo laden “It’s liking a different sort of prick that makes you gay” and the other part of me knows you have to break this down no matter how daft it is.

And you cannot call him homophobic! After all, it’s scientific enquiry! Let’s look at the “gay fallacies”.

 1. You can’t be gay. You are straight but confused. How can you like penises! Eurgh!

2. It’s just a phase. It’s like Pokemon cards. Except you like men.

3. Must be drugs/hormones in food.

4. I blame society for accepting gays! If we threw rocks at gays there would be no more gays. (Provided you threw the rock sufficiently hard. Results may vary. If it does not work, try turning your rock on and off again. If that does not work you may need to upgrade your rock to something more powerful. Rock! It’s fun for all the family!)

5 I am not homophobic, I just say things that may be construed as such by the ignorant people (Such as everyone else)

And the “vaccine fallacies”?

1. Vaccines impair fertility

Vaccines do not impair fertility, in fact they INCREASE fertility. The HPV vaccine reduces a handful of tragic early onset Cervical Cancer. The HPV vaccine will also protect against penile cancer. And the Mumps vaccine stops mumps sterility. More people are fertile today than ever before thanks to these

2. Vaccines affect brain development

This is the rate of SSPE which is a complication of Measles. Prior to the vaccine the rate was 1 in 1000. Now it’s 1 in 1000000. Clearly million is a bigger number in Erwin’s mind. In addition it fails to take into account the Rubella vaccine which is “protective” against neurological defects. In addition Erwin’s a known proponent of quackery and has opposed Iron Folate injections in the past which protect against anaemia in pregnancy and neural tube defects.

3. There is some evidence

I cannot believe I have to show you this evidence that vaccines cause homosexuality! This is a frightful waste of my time and it’s a pointless attempt to nitpick! Particularly since I have evidence but the proof is outstanding! Surely you understand that evidence and proof are different things!

4. Lots of people are harmed by vaccines

Well if we poll shark attack victims, a lot of people will appear to be attacked by sharks. This does not mean that sharks register high on the scale of animals likely to kill you.

5. Not only will your child be autistic, he will also have sex with men  when he grows up (Don’t be silly! Girls never come into this!)

Autism mainly affects boys. There are fewer women with autism than men hence the idea that there is a large genetic component. To date we have not narrowed it down but autism does appear to have a high genetic link.

This one’s a new fallacy. This is the first time I have seen homosexuality being blamed on a preventative medical technique that has saved millions of lives.

6. I don’t know how any of this works! If I don’t then no one does! Don’t trust anyone who says they know!

If you knew how vaccines worked, you wouldn’t be anti-vax

7. Consider them harmful until proven safe!

Never mind that smallpox, polio and a huge variety of these diseases we vaccinate for kill and cripple people. i think they are safer than the vaccine. No statistics can convince me otherwise since I have been making this argument since the mid 19th century when the Smallpox Vaccine took over Variolation.

Yet another baseless statement couched in pseudoscience and homophobia. Erwin attempts to curry (sorry! gravy!) favour with the likes of the conservatives who genuinely fear a “gay child”. He is sadly a trusted source on a lot of medical issues and despite his clear ignorance of even the most basic medicine, he is still a powerful voice for quackery. I am afraid a lot of people are not going to vaccinate their kids because they may catch homosexuality from it.

GLBT (I am surprised he didn’t bash the Transfolk here) people struggle every day to be accepted as normal without the idea that their GLBTness is somehow linked to being ill. And that you can cure the GLBT.

Stupid jokes aside, this is the sort of thinking that created “Pray the Gay away”. I am pretty sure if we checked around we can find some quacks offering to treat homosexuality or reverse the damage that vaccines have caused so you aren’t gay any more.

Another homophobic and despicable attempt by anti-vax to discredit vaccines by throwing the GLBT under the bus.


  1. says

    Thanks , I have recently been looking for information about this topic for a long
    time and yours is the best I’ve came upon till now.

    However, what about the conclusion? Are you positive concerning the supply?

  2. says

    Thank you for the post. It is astonishing — but, sadly, not surprising — the extents that people will go to justify their irrational beliefs. “Vaccines are bad! Vaccines will probably kill you! Or worse: TURN YOU GAY!”

    I have to say, though, that your title reminded me of an old joke….

    (Graffiti on a bathroom wall) – My mother made me a homosexual!
    (Graffitied underneath) – If I buy the yarn, can she make me one, too?

  3. Al Dente says

    There is some evidence

    Unfortunately I left it in my Sunday pajamas so I can’t show it to you.


  4. kevinalexander says

    I feel left out. I got all the vaccinations and not only didn’t I get any of the swell diseases but I’m still attracted to girls.

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