Fatwa


There is an Arabic paper about the concept of frivolous fatwas.

See in Egypt there was a period where there was a rising Islamic fundamentalism which was harmful to Egyptian life. Not only does Egypt have a cultural diversity it is also a major tourist destination.

And a lot of the Muslim Brotherhood were incredibly sinister. There are recent stories of mass graves and torture. But to get into the mindset of the Salafist and Islamicists in Egypt you have to look at the sort of things they wanted banned. 

Now some of it is obvious. Let’s ban voting for the other party! Because Allah Says So! Hell the Republican Party does make those sort of noises too and many churches vote in lock-step with Republicans no matter what.

But then starts the weird ones…

Lying is okay if you are planning to vote for the Muslim Brotherhood and your husband is not!

I am pretty sure it’s not. 10 Commandments, not 10 Suggestions if it’s cool with you. I don’t need to be a Mullah to know that.

Using women and children as human shields is good as it is a way of getting involved in the Jihad

Because the Jihad is fun for the whole family! And if you are going to be the villain of the piece you may as well start justifying it.

Women should get married soon after the age of 10 to stop child pregnancy

You can’t be  child if you are married. Ergo no child pregnancy! Problem Solved!

Women shouldn’t eat or touch bananas or cucumbers

I assume the eating of phallic fruit will either titilate men or turn women into incredible sex beasts and that’s just not halal. This is just such a laughable fatwa since it assumes that there is nothing wrong with men eating bananas or cucumbers. That’s perfectly acceptable I assume.

Bow Chicka Wow Wow

Even the most decent of women becomes an adulterer or a whore if she bathes in the sea. The Sea is male in Arabic and a woman bathing in the sea is being touched sexually by the water.

I don’t even know where to begin with mocking this but it does a fair job on it’s own. I assume the Male Sea is just an equal opportunity harasser since it touches up genitals of all who enter it. Oh god….

Kids play in there! The Ocean! It’s… it’s a paedophile! Maybe if we marry people to the ocean?

Women should not use air conditioning when at home alone. Their neighbour will see that it’s own and know that they are alone and so will commit adultery.

Things must be pretty dire if you are seducing women because their a/c is working. Because phones don’t exist, nor does verbal communication. I think the Islamic Fundies just spend most of their day thinking of new and fantastic ways to be angry about problems that don’t exist.

Members of the opposition are no longer married.

NO LEGAL MARITAL SEX FOR YOU! WHAT NOW! CAREFUL! I WILL MARRY YOU TO THE SEA!

No sex when sick. That’s just gross.

But I don’t have any other time to dress up in my sexy nurse outfit.

No sex when naked. That’s just inappropriate. Any married couple having sex while naked is now divorced

I don’t think you know how sex works and sex doesn’t somehow become less gross, amusing and fun if you wear pants while doing it.

Girls shouldn’t study further than 25 Km from their house

Above that and girls turn into pumpkins.

No… that’s not what the word I am looking for is… Oh right! Sluts who will shag all the men.

The destruction of all idols, relics, and statues in Egypt, specifically mentioning the Sphinx and the Great Pyramids.

Dear Egypt. You are famous for one thing. If you destroy that, not only will everyone be pissed off but your country will run out of tourists. And that’s bad considering how much of the economy is based on tourism.

It’s also academically, historically and sociologically a stupid move.

Scrap the Camp David Accords!

Because peace is bad! War is good!

Kill those who mock the islamicisation of Egypt or the Fatwas

It’s very hard not to. I am sure the Muslim Brotherhood and the salafists are terrifying people in Egypt but outside and living far away they seem comical.

Remember we thought about the Taliban’s ideas like that.

Ban the greeting of Christians

In general…. and also for Festivals. Not even a Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays may be acceptable.

Muslims may not transport a Christian Priest to a Church

Because Muslims would burst into flames if they did so.

The list just goes on and on. Asinine and plain kafkaesque rules that make little to no sense and boil out of an incredibly uneducated worldview that relies on Islam being “perfect”. The people who espouse this theory don’t value ANY of the trappings of society because the think society reached it’s peak as wandering violent tribes.

And Egypt is keeping an eye on it’s fundies because it’s seen what happens when they get power. This sort of draconian society  where it’s impossible to live a life without breaking the rules is designed to give the Mullahs power over life and death since if they don’t like you there is bound to be something they can throw at you and make it stick.

Also? These are designed to destroy any sense of what’s sensible as an action. i actually cannot see any point with doing these things because  in  my mind society should progress and not decide to become more draconian, less educated and less capable of sustaining a government without fragmentation into balkanised states/warlords. It’s sadly the problem when  any ideology  is blindly followed. In this case it’s Islam.

Islam’s fundies rely on turning their vicinity to hell to make paradise seem reasonable.

Comments

  1. A. Noyd says

    Maybe if we marry people to the ocean?

    It could be temporary marriage like with men marrying prostitutes for a few hours.

  2. otranreg says

    Women should not use air conditioning when at home alone. Their neighbour will see that it’s own and know that they are alone and so will commit adultery.

    This is just plain stupid — not much of an achievement, considering the company, but still. Why is it assumed that men don’t need the air conditioning?

    If you ban women from using the air-conditioning, then the naughty milkman neighbour will know exactly when men aren’t around in the house — when the conditioner is off.

    Are you sure it’s not some sort of a code for a secret swinger club?

  3. sugarfrosted says

    Even the most decent of women becomes an adulterer or a whore if she bathes in the sea. The Sea is male in Arabic and a woman bathing in the sea is being touched sexually by the water.

    Someone really needs to explain to this guy that grammatical gender and biological sex aren’t really the same thing. I mean in most languages that have grammatical gender for nouns it’s more or less without reason in most cases. In yiddish for example, heym(home) is female and hoyz(house) is neuter.

  4. fentex says

    10 Commandments, not 10 Suggestions if it’s cool with you.

    “You shall not bear false witness” does not mean “You shall not lie”.

    You cannot use the 10 Commandments as argument against professors of belief in them ever lying because it contains no admonishment not to lie.

    Bearing false witness is a specific kind of lie, a lie where you bear witness to an untruth about someone else.
    It is not about telling a lie regarding yourself, your intentions or feelings.

    So it isn’t an argument one can use to claim hypocrisy in a professed believer should one catch them telling a lie about themselves.

  5. smrnda says

    No sex while naked… now that’s a bit bizarre, but I’m guessing its on par with the Mormons and their magic underwear which, I imagine they must keep around one ankle while having sex. If there is any time to be naked, it is while having sex, though for that one I’d like to know if jewelry counts as clothing.

    Destroying the pyramids? I think the Egyptian government should tell the people who want the pyramids gone that if they want to, they can try to destroy the pyramids with their bare hands. Selling tickets to this would be pretty fun, and if god is on their side, their fists should be good enough.

  6. Holms says

    Bearing false witness is a specific kind of lie, a lie where you bear witness to an untruth about someone else.
    It is not about telling a lie regarding yourself, your intentions or feelings.

    The idea that it can’t be used against a lying christian and thereby demonstrate hypocrisy sounds like one of those weaselly squirmy escape clauses used by apologists all the time. And yet, they will use this one as a shining example of why christians (usually) or religious people in general are more trustworthy. It is continually taken to mean ‘don’t lie’, so we may as well take it as it is used.

  7. otranreg says

    @7 smrnda

    I think the Egyptian government should tell the people who want the pyramids gone that if they want to, they can try to destroy the pyramids with their bare hands.

    Actually people have been destroying the pyramids with their (mostly) bare hands for millenia. Lots of valuable construction material in them. If the core of the pyramid is made of mudbrick (like all the pyramids of the Middle Kingdom), erosion completes the destruction. Like this:

    http://www.touregypt.net/images/touregypt/amenemhet2p7.jpg

  8. Ysanne says

    Wow.

    Even the most decent of women becomes an adulterer or a whore if she bathes in the sea. The Sea is male in Arabic and a woman bathing in the sea is being touched sexually by the water.

    In that case, given the level of homophobia prevalent among people with this interpretation of Islam, men should be really careful with that big male ocean that touches bathers sexually… Don’t they realise that it’s gay sex they’re having every time they swim?

  9. Markita Lynda—threadrupt says

    But what is the conclusion? Call a council of religious authorities to review fatwas (judgements) with sober second thought?

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