Not Feeling Too Great

[important]Acceptance for who you are is extremely important and as many people don’t know Hera (My Girlfriend) had an abdominal hernia surgery and a stomach band put in. This wasn’t exactly done according to what she wanted. Despite objections I had I felt her family was way too “keen” about it. She did want the band and for the past 6 weeks was incredibly happy with it until the sepsis. I understand the fear of obesity and it’s effects on the human body. Let us get this straight, neither me or Hera think obesity is healthy. And both of us struggle to keep our weight down. I unfortunately came from a youth filled with rugby and the associated appetite that I don’t get to burn off and so am overweight. But Hera’s problem was exacerbated by PCOS and so a band was recommended. It’s just that normally you go through a lot of prep but that did not occur in her case due to her family hurrying things along. Honestly? It left a bad taste in my mouth. And for this? Hera wishes to speak on what happened and what it’s like to be denigrated for something you have trouble with. We both still want to keep our weight under control and in my case lose some more but her scars are real. She fears that the scars left make her unattractive. I frankly am covered in scars and frankly if I look good with mine then so does she. I don’t agree with the way she was treated and I didn’t realise how much she kept from me to make sure I was liked by her family. But this is painful to read.[/important]

As you all know from my last post, I pretty much nearly died a week ago. Twice.

My family gives me a lot of emotional pain in regards to how I look. They’ve always been upset about my weight and size. I’ve always been made to feel ungainly as I grew up. Wasn’t really known to be a looker, really. Not fair or slim, you know, typical Indian defining qualities of beauty.

It didn’t help when I told them that my in-laws didn’t fancy me because of how I looked. It made them panic and worry even more and they would occasionally make remarks that insinuated that my boyfriend was having doubts with our relationship whenever he never called, when he hesitated to introduce me to his family and when they didn’t treat me well after meeting me.

My boyfriend nearly broke up with me because of the pressure his parents exerted on him because of how I looked. They told him that if he didn’t break up with ugly me, they’d stop funding his education. And for a brief moment, he picked his education over me. I guess he probably thought that a girlfriend wasn’t going to get him through life but a degree would. Awfully pragmatic but true.

When the incident happened, my uncle who flew up made a comment about how my family needs to realize that enough is enough and that in their obsession/’care’about my weight, I nearly died. A fat Hera is better than no Hera.

I used to be a size 18. I’ve lost so much weight from the whole ordeal, I’ve dropped down to a 14. That’s 2 dress sizes and 2.5 stones of weight loss.

Today, the uncle who hates my weight the most just told me that once I’ve recovered, I need to go on a drastic diet because I’m still big and that I’m still in need of some fixes.

It broke my heart to think that even though I nearly died, they were still thinking about my weight.

I’m deeply unhappy because I was so unwell and this is still happening. I guess they’ll only ever stop if I actually did die.


- Hera


  1. badgersdaughter says

    Hera, I know what you’re going through. If the band had been available when I was your age, my family would have left no stone unturned to make sure I had one. Heck, if it had been available when I was ten, I think my mother and father would have been pressuring my doctor to have me operated on like that. There have been times in my life when I’ve wished I could be dead instead of fat. Some of those times, I was not even fat. If only people realized how you are treated as if you are no more than your fatty acid content when you go to the doctor. I wish you the best and most careful treatment from now on. :)

  2. Brad says

    If it’s any consolation, you are both clearly morally superior to your families.

    It’s a bit long to wait for decency from your relatives, but if you’re planning on kids someday, I’ve heard they make great leverage.

  3. blondeintokyo says

    All the women in my family are big. They are also all married (or in my case, partnered) to men that utterly, completely, and totally adore them. If my dad didn’t like big women I wouldn’t even exist!!

    Your family is wrong to behave this way. I hope that you don’t take it to heart. Know that you are loved, and it’s not the size of one’s body but the size of one’s heart that really matters.

    And from what I can see, both yours and your boyfriend’s are huge. :)

  4. dgrasett says

    Dear Avicenna.
    Would you do me the favour of passing a message to Hera. as follows:
    “Dear Hera (wonderful name, by the way, lovely) Your family is wrong. You are and will always be beautiful, as you are. In prehistoric times, extra flesh would have been considered attractive because it provides survival power in times of scarcity. It is proof that you have been sufficiently cared for that you were supplied with more than was actually needed for survival. Yes, we now know that too much may be bad for your heart. But only a qualified medical professional ( and not all of them) can tell you how much is too much.
    Way too many years ago, I was reminded, and I am reminding you, that the only arbiter of your beauty is yourself. If, in Avicenna’s eyes you are beautiful, and it is quite obvious that you are , that is the only mirror you ever need pay heed to.
    I enjoy reading Avicenna’s blog, and I enjoy reading your contributions to it. I hope you both will continue to write for many years to come. I hope you both will continue to write for many years after I die. You are both worthy people who enrich the world for the rest of us. Please follow your own stars.”

  5. says

    Hera, I’m so sorry for the way you have been treated by family about your appearance and weight. What they’re saying and doing to make you feel so bad is wrong. I’ve often felt that I was unattractive, due to weight and other reason as well. It can be difficult to keep up hope when people around you are giving you these bad messages, but please know that there are people who love you as you are. There are good things in the world to hold on to, despite the bad. I hope that things get better for you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>