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Sep 02 2013

PETA says Purchased Poultry Purloins Progeny Penis during Pregnancy

Ladies beware! PETA has some SHCOCKING news for you.

FINE!

I will be serious!

Basically, PETA sent a letter to Drew Cerza who was throwing a National Buffalo Wing Festival. That the latest scientific evidence shows that the pregnant women who eat chicken wings are more likely to have boys with small penises because of a chemical found in the bird’s flesh. And that babies of all sorts can be born with BLOCKED ARTERIES.

No seriously. This was their claim. That somehow a mother will eat so much cholesterol that their baby will incorporate it into their make up.

Pictured. What I thought about….

“Pregnant women may want to think twice before chomping on those chicken wings, or their sons could come up short,” says PETA Associate Director of Campaigns Lindsay Rajt. “Chickens may be little animals, but they suffer in a big way before their wings are hacked off for a stupid contest.”

Apparently Lindsay’s grasp of farming is pretty poor. We don’t cut the wings off chickens while they are still alive.

PETA points out that chickens suffer every day of their abbreviated lives, including when they’re hung upside down by their legs from conveyor belts before their throats are cut. They’re also often submerged in scalding-hot water to be defeathered while still conscious.

I lived in pretty rural parts of the UK and was not averse to realising where my food came. I don’t think I have ever heard of this bizarre practice where effectively alive chickens are suspended upside down and desanguinated and then immersed in boiling water when still alive.

In major poultry farming (Yes, I know. I am a man of many many talents!) you stun the birds either by electricity or by anoxic gases. Both are instantaneous, painless and can be used to render unconsicous a large number of chickens which are then exsanguinated. PETA as usual fails to mention that part.

Dear Mr. Cerza:

You may remember hearing from us a few years back, when we requested that you cancel the wing-eating competitions at the National Buffalo Wing Festival because of the cruelty inherent in poultry production. I’m reaching out again to ask you at least to take steps to ensure the safety of pregnant women by barring them from taking part in your contests. As I will explain, consuming poultry while pregnant may lead to birth defects in utero, including smaller-than-average penises for newborn boys. I think we can agree that embarrassment and insecurity are no small matters.

This isn’t the “Smoking while pregnant is bad for your baby” but the “Old Wives Tale” method of scientific advancement.

I heard unconfirmed rumours that getting the husband to tap dance for your amusement every day will make your sons and daughters to be extremely attractive, smart and have well balanced personalities. Must be research!

Penis size usually  doesn’t matter. Most Pornography (I am aware of a trend of female friendly pornography where the males are less equestrian sized and more in the realm of normal penis length and girth) portrays the “AVERAGE” male member as somewhere in the realm of 7 to 12 inches. The reality is most penises lie between the 4 to 6 inch mark.

The average cervical depth is 5 inches. In fact if unprepared, what we consider as “Average” length penis may actually hit the cervix and “hurt” the woman.

The portrayal of the normal range of 4 to 6 inches as “small” is a foolish endeavour and one that PETA is utilising for their advantage. It’s often used to scare the living daylights out of young men who think it’s size that counts rather than the maneuvers.

Findings published by the Study for Future Families showed that eating poultry during pregnancy may lead to smaller penis size in male infants. Looking at dairy products, eggs, fish, fruit, bird meat, potatoes, tomatoes, vegetables, and red meat, researchers found the most significant link between chicken consumption and decreased penis size because of a chemical compound found in the meat. Furthermore, evidence indicates that heterosexual women’s sexual satisfaction depends in part on their partner’s penis size.

Did you ask porn stars? Because porn fetishises massive penises. Technique counts. If your methodology is a jackhammer approach then chances are you will climax before her and she will be unsatisfied. 70% of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. A penis above the norm would actually make it HARDER for most women to orgasm.

Look women like what they like. And I kind of realised that what women like most in a guy is his personality and who he is more than dimensions of his penis.

At no point during the human mating process does the man have to whip it out and demonstrate size. It’s safe to say that human sexuality only considers the penis important due to social pressure rather than pleasure. Chances are your penis will be average. Chances are what you need is practice.

Chances are what you don’t need is unscientific claims by PETA about pthalates stealing penises. Down that road lies Koro (A Psychological disorder where the patient believes the genitals are shrinking or were “stolen”).

Even the cruelest of bedroom ridicule pales in comparison to the suffering that smart, sensitive chickens endure for the wings so casually consumed in contests such as these. Chickens raised for meat are bred and drugged to grow so large, so fast, that they are prone to crippling leg injuries and heart attacks. After a lifetime in cramped, filthy sheds, chickens are sent to the slaughterhouse, where their throats are cut while they are still conscious and their bodies are dunked in scalding-hot water. In addition, eating cholesterol-laden chicken flesh during pregnancy may also increase unborn babies’ risk of being born with blocked arteries, which can lead to strokes and heart attacks later in life.

This is such a non-sequitor of trying to compare the fear of ridicule during sex to the death of a purpose bred animal who’s only goal in life is to eat, lay eggs and be delicious. Because in PETA’s mind we will release the mighty chicken into the wilds where they will soar proudly through the air in majestic formation.

Rather than be evil little blighters who eat each other if you don’t keep them apart.

And this is without the important “Truth” about slaughter methods I mentioned. I am sure the USA isn’t “saving” money by having it’s workers attempt to cut the throats of struggling chickens. Down that road lies “accidents”. Even the corner butcher’s shops here that will kill and dress a chicken for you while you wait (so it’s really fresh) prefer breaking their necks causing unconsciousness and death in seconds rather than this bizarre image of struggling upside down chickens.

And this is without one most important fact here. One that is vital.

A penis is measured only on erection. Your bouncing baby boy isn’t going to be born with an adult sized penis in full erection. You cannot tell what his final penis length will be based on flaccid penis measurements made on birth. I really don’t even see the point of this  research and think it’s highly suspicious both in purpose and methodology.

Now that you are well endowed with this information, I hope you will have the backs of future Buffalo residents and visitors by not allowing their pregnant mothers to participate in the wing-eating contest. I hope to hear from you soon.

What information?

A random PETA member makes ridiculous claims with no known scientific evidence (I checked, the original article she claims actually is a plot of sperm counts) about something with no known risk and then proceeds to misrepresent everything from basic farming practice to sex and human  development while perpetrating the myth that pornography penises are the norm.

Sincerely,

Lindsay Rajt
Associate Director of Campaigns

I think we need to look up the meaning of the word sincere.

10 comments

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  1. 1
    Acolyte of Sagan

    Thanks, Avi, I laughed from start to finish.

    Just a small point; you may want to change this line from your opening:

    ….scientific evidence shows that the pregnant women who eat chicken wings are more likely to have small penises……

    Surely the baby boys, not their mothers.

  2. 2
    lostintime

    I hate PETAs antics, and this is sadly one of the less extreme campaigns they are responsible for. The health claims described are clearly ridiculous. But your depiction of poultry farming is also ridiculous. I’ve worked on a battery egg farm, and I can assure you that there is a huge amount of suffering.

    I don’t think I have ever heard of this bizarre practice where effectively alive chickens are suspended upside down and desanguinated and then immersed in boiling water when still alive.

    This is exactly what happens in thousands of slaughterhouses every day. The chickens often lift their heads to avoid the waterbath, and so they are still conscious when their throats are slit. The letter might also have mentioned that their limbs are often broken by the time they are shackled onto the conveyor belt, or a dozen other serious welfare issues at slaughterhouses. You can hate on PETA, and I think they’re ridiculous idiots so please go ahead, but don’t pretend that factory farming is benign. It’s viciously cruel.

    http://www.ciwf.org.uk/includes/documents/cm_docs/2008/t/the_welfare_at_slaughter_of_broiler_chickens_1993.pdf

  3. 3
    EddyLark

    I try to resist the conspiracy mindset, but PETA makes it very difficult. If you are anti-animal rights you could do worse than having the media landscape include a supposedly pro-animal rights group whose tactics were so ridiculous and extreme so as to make parody of their positions redundant, and whose existence acted to conflate all animal-rights groups and issues with such mockable tactics.

    That said, I wish I could believe that PETA had been taken over by secretly anti-animal rights faction. Unfortunately, the human tendency toward intellectual extremism, and an institution’s vulnerability toward capture by the most extreme (and thus most motivated) of its internal factions, makes it more likely that PETA is what it claims to be, just horribly short-sighted and blinkered in its execution.

  4. 4
    Ace of Sevens

    PETA is perhaps the best example of an activist group who has a goal and will adopt any argument they thinks supports it, no matter how ridiculous. This doesn’t actually cause maximal support for their cause as they seem to thing. It makes their cause look dishonest.

  5. 5
    Jackie

    Just seconding Lostintime.

  6. 6
    yellowsubmarine

    I *love* how PETA decided that the next best thing to getting the chicken eating celebration cancelled was to reinforce the idea that women are incubators who should be lead around by the nose for the duration of their pregnancy on behalf of their fetuses. Because we don’t want to rob our male children of bigger penises. /BARF

    Though to be fair, I have seen a documentary on I forget what where there was a small farm that was still just hanging it’s chickens upside down and cutting their throats. They stuck their head through a funnel thing so it hung out the small end. So it may still happen, and is horrible.

  7. 7
    Giliell, professional cynic -Ilk-

    There are two issues here:
    One is the legitimate concern for animal welfare. The way lifestock is raised and killed is horrible and needs to change. So does the culture of eating 1/2 lbs of meat a day on average Those practises are real and they are cruel.

    The second issue is PETA’s misogyny where imagined effects on the penis of a fetus is best countered by policing the behaviour of pregnant women, banning them from eating what they want to eat. Because if there’s one animal PETA doesn’t give a fuck about it’s human women

  8. 8
    HappiestSadist, Repellent Little Martyr

    Exactly what Giliell said.

  9. 9
    SC (Salty Current), OM

    You know the feeling you have when you read a post by an MRA who quotes something from some woman and then paints her view as representative of every feminist, then mocks the idea that women are oppressed in any way? That’s the feeling I had from this.

    As others have suggested above, you need to read about the realities of nonhuman animal oppression, exploitation, and killing. I recommend you start with Jonathan Safran Foer’s Eating Animals, which isn’t perfect but is a compassionate book by a very good writer.

    If you’re interested in the relationship between the oppression of other animals and that of humans, you could start with Critical Theory and Animal Liberation. In any case, it would be a mistake to see PETA as wholly representative of the animal liberation movement on this subject. In many ways, the situation in that movement parallels the one in atheism-skepticism-freethought, complete with its own white men acting like petulant assclams. A good blog that discusses these issues is Vegan Feminist Agitator. One I’ve recently discovered is The Academic Abolitionist Vegan. I’m far from agreeing with everything she says, but she makes some good points.

    Hope this helps.

    the death of a purpose bred animal who’s only goal in life is to eat, lay eggs and be delicious

    Thanks, Avi, I laughed from start to finish.

    You’re diminished by these comments. I hope one day you’ll realize that.

  10. 10
    TGAP Dad

    Alliteration and adipose add attitude – always apt!
    Avi, you’ve outdone yourself!

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