Age of Kali – No Means No


I have always given this advice to young (younger I suppose?) men out on the pull.

Consent is vital. Yes means Yes, No Means No. And you must not push or influence consent. Yes doesn’t mean yes if you are being scary. What you think is not scary may be terrifying to someone else. Honestly? I have never used a pick up line unless trying to make someone laugh. I have found talking and “you  are cute, fancy a date” to be pretty good. You get a yes or a no and you don’t sound like a weapon’s grade idiot about angels falling from heaven or any of the other nonsense that FHM or Maxim thinks will separate women from their knickers.

Maybe I am not the male models who usually get away with those lines. As many of my detractors will say, I am not all that tall (5 ft 11), and while dark am certainly not very handsome (Average, Dark and Meh doesn’t quite have the same ring to it but one out of three isn’t so bad right?)

But even through all this I found that being brutally honest about intentions has genuinely worked in my favour. The pick up lines the MRA/Seduction community likes bandying around? Well think of it this way. If a woman came up to you wearing the stupidest hat ever seen  outside of horse racing and perhaps the entire hipster community and sprouted increasingly weird one liners at you, you would be weirded out more than turned on. Especially if you have heard those lines before.

Want to know the only pick up line that ever worked? It worked because I was making fun of creepy pick up lines when I came up with the CREEPIEST one ever and the best possible date under the influence of vodka.

I asked a girl out to my anatomy human dissection with the line “Well this makes a change, all my dates normally end at the morgue, one may as well start there”. Why? Because she said that no one takes her on weird and wonderful dates and she only attracts creeps. It didn’t work out but we had fun because we both saw the joke then. Why? Because she knew I was not a creep and was only trying to pretend to be one to match her normal expectations.

That’s the thing. Each person is different. Very different. The MRA  community is off with the fairies because it treats all women as precisely the same cut/copy/pasted. All women are either blood sucking soul destroyers or complex harridans who turn into sex beasts whose clothes explode if you follow these 5 simple steps and wear a moronic hat.

Communicate. I know it’s hard for some but we have to learn to communicate.

And the most important thing is “No Means No, Yes Means Yes”. If the woman you are dating thinks “No means Try Harder” then you are tap dancing on a minefield. Escape. It is better to be right about “No” than “Wrong”. And again everything in context. You cannot pin her to a wall and ask her this question unless she wants you to.

But for India? Well No Means Try Harder in a lot of cases. We come back to the old notions of modesty. The Victorian Morals of India elevate the chaste woman on a pedestal. Her honour is important. And so she HAS to say NO when she means YES.

Why? If she says yes then she is easy  and therefore undesirable. If she says no, then you have to work to get her to say yes. And that is considered romantic.

It’s “See! He tried so hard to make her fall in love! with him! Must be true love! Like Romeo and Juliet”

Well many Indians don’t remember how that story ended. And indeed many young jilted men don’t know what else to do so often resort to rape and violence in such a society where they think they entered the secret pants exploding leg opening code that should let women sleep with them. Women are often beaten, raped, mutilated and murdered because the young man who has been brought up to be a lion has to deal with “Try Harder” to the point where he simply acts out in the way he was brought up to take what he wants. Ego vs. Honour.

I am aware that Indian Cinema LOVES the concept of unrequited love. Either ending in tragedy or ending in the woman realising it’s purity and reciprocating. Unrequited love is obsessive and while it is painful it is not an ideal. Love must be reciprocal and unrequited love is just “bloody sad”. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Even if you hammer something out, it isn’t a real fit.

It’s not going to work. Better to be honest and teach our young men and women to push through the short pain rather than revel in misery. Romeo and Juliet is not romantic, it is a tragedy.

No means NO. A smile is not always indicative of her interest in you, it may just be sheer politeness. While there is no harm in expressing to someone what you might be feeling, in face of a ‘no’, ‘try try try till you succeed’, is not attractive. And girls need to stop thinking that it is too. It is a two way street. A man following you home everyday till you give him the time of day isn’t love but stalking. He isn’t romantic but a poor loser.

And romance is not for ever. Love dies, it’s a sad thing to admit but sometimes love is not for ever. What you feel today may change in a month. And sometimes that ends. It hurts. Many of us have been there, angry at someone else for ending it. Oh yes, I know I have said some terrible things about women when drunk and sad after break ups. But that’s the thing. We are sad then. But we stop being sad after that. We move on. Being mad after a break up that’s not mutual is fine, staying mad is not. The way I saw it was you got drunk and complained about it for one night and then you woke up feeling better and moved the fuck on.

But you have to realise that someone in a relationship against their will has no agency and doesn’t want to be there. It’s not just you in a relationship.

Comments

  1. otranreg says

    SMBCT: ‘Someone better call heaven, because a hottie is gonna show up there tonight!’

  2. Ysanne says

    “Well this makes a change, all my dates normally end at the morgue, one may as well start there”

    “Ok, but no commitment, right? I always invest way too much too early in relationships: Emotions, time, energy, sticky tape, shovels, big rubbish bags…”

    Otherwise, spot on. I don’t understand why some men think women have some secret weird criteria for having sex which can be satisfied by stupid pick-up lines, instead of just being attracted to another person (or not).

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