Three Categories

Today’s little taste of harmless fundie comes from Christian Post and Dan Delzell.

Do you realize that everyone in your community falls into one of three categories? By using the Old Testament as a way to think about people today, we see that everyone is somewhere between an “Egyptian” and an “Israelite.”

I sense a Geography Fail coming up.

So what are these three categories? The first group is made up of the “Egyptians.” The second group consists of those “Israelites who are still living in Egypt.” And the third group consists of the “Israelites who have left Egypt” and are headed toward the promised land.

I don’t think the Old Testament should be used as a way to think about people because it still exists in a world where people think of others as “property”.

Okay let’s roll with this.

Egypt represents slavery to sin. The first group of people in your community are unbelievers who don’t have an inkling of their need for Jesus Christ and the forgiveness of their sins. They sense no urgency about their spiritual condition, even though their inner being remains spiritually dead. The Gospel message is foreign to their way of thinking.

You see when you start equating historical groups of people to attributes you fuck up royally. It’s nice and easy to think of cultures being homogenous. All the Romans Did Roman Things. All the Greeks Did Greek Things and what have you. But the reality of the situation is just as there is diversity in Christian action there was diversity in Greek, Roman and indeed Egyptian life.

I apparently am one of those well known Egyptian Indians because I don’t believe in an imaginary being that kills babies and lets you keep slaves. I think the people who invoke a god to excuse those actions are fucking terrible.

I do know that Christians, Jews and Muslims have moved on past that. But every now and again comes some idiot who thinks that “the best time in the Bible is the Old Testament” and who forgets the message of their own fucking Messiah in order to dabble in the hate and stupidity.

And it’s this. This notion that yoou see here. It’s designed to separate thought and make non-Christians who don’t agree with the way these fundies work (Because face it. Only a fundie would draw up such distinct lines) into beings to be pitied and ignored. This is not only riding in on a high horse but forcing the horse to wear stilts.

The second group consists of those people who are still enslaved to their sin, but they have sensed that God is calling them to come out of Egypt and follow Christ as Savior and Lord. This group of “Israelites who are still living in Egypt” are people who have some awareness that God is calling them to a better life, and to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Some of them go to church and have been baptized or walked forward during an altar call, but they still do not have a living relationship with the Lord of the universe. Their hearts are not filled with love for God and for others. As St. Paul said, “For not all who are descended from Israel are Israel.” (Romans 9:6)

Wait is this guy Catholic? St. Paul? I am confused. Catholics rarely invoke the Old Testament because it makes them look like dicks.

The third group of people in your community consists of the Christians. These believers are “Israelites” in the sense that they are in God’s family. They know the Lord. They have been spiritually reborn through faith in Christ. They repent of their sin and they believe the good news. The Holy Spirit is producing His fruit in their life. (see Galatians 5:22,23) They too were spiritually dead while in Egypt, but they came out of that place when the Holy Spirit worked the new birth in their life. They are now on the narrow road to the promised land of heaven.

Yep. Everything is great here. Of course you roll the no true Christian dice to exclude all the Christians you don’t like into group two and you are set!

There is no fourth category of people in your community. There are Christian believers. There are unbelievers. And there are those who are sensing that God is calling them into His family, but they are not yet walking in faith and their hearts are not turned toward the Lord in repentance.

 It’s all the Catholic guilt without any of the wine.

You don’t have to remain in Egypt. You don’t have to remain a slave to your sin. (see Romans 6:1-23) Jesus died to set you free. He died to bring you out of that place. You can bring your sin to the cross today. There is peace and freedom in a relationship with the Lord. It is a very good thing to be in His family, whether you realize that yet or not.

As did a variety of deities. Hell. Vishnu died for you 9 times…

How is it free to believe in an entity whose rules you must follow even if they are counterproductive and bad for you. It doesn’t bring you peace, it brings you ignorance.

When a man is dying and says that his faith brings him peace, he lives in the assumption that he is dying to go to a better place. That’s not peace. That’s George and Lennie’s farm in Of Mice and Men. It’s a pacifier.

And in that pacifier you don’t live your life, you live for your death.

I should warn you however. Even the Israelites in the Old Testament had plenty of challenging times. God allowed them to go through difficulties in order to test their faith. He was always faithful to them, even though they were not always faithful to Him. God is good all the time, even when we don’t understand why He is allowing us to go through a painful situation.

Especially during that times he tells you to kill, commit genocide, rape and enslave. Two can quote the Old Testament.

Jesus told His disciples, “In this world, you will have trouble.”(John 16:33) As long as you enter this relationship with God knowing that it won’t be a bed of roses here on earth, you will be on your way to a life of productive discipleship. Christians today, like Israelites in the Old Testament, have plenty of times “in the wilderness.” There are times when it feels like God is distant, but through faith, you come to realize that your feelings cannot be trusted. Only God’s Word and God’s promises can be trusted.

Christianity has created more trouble for other groups of people than other groups of people have created for Christians. The biggest trouble in this day and age Christians face is that they cannot be dicks. Now most Christians don’t want to be dicks but there are enough who think that the GLBT shouldn’t have any rights and that just because they don’t want to have abortions means that other people shouldn’t have any too.

Such is life in the family of God. If you are not there yet, now is the time to “get on that train.” The longer you delay, the more resistant your heart will likely become toward Christ and His plan of salvation.

So are you an “Egyptian” today? Or perhaps an “Israelite living in Egypt” who is beginning to sense your sinfulness and your need for Christ? Or are you an “Israelite” on your way to the promised land of heaven? One thing is sure. You are definitely in one of those three categories my friend, whether you want to be or not. There is no fourth option.

I am a Helicopter.


The ultimate joke is that Christians have to keep harping on about a sinful world and indeed create more sins because the most of the Internet Christians live in paradise. No longer do children die in distressing quantities. Quick! Create something new to be fussed about! I know! Let’s whinge about the GLBT! Women who used to be men will use the same bathroom as you…. WOOOO! If they are in the women’s room they will sit and use the toilets! Has it not been said that “A Bum that belongeth to one who used to be a man but now is a woman shall not be seateth on the commode of a woman? And that the phallus constructed by the art of the chirgueon may not be used by a man who used to be a woman to void bladder while standing erect! Society will crumble and the Lord shall burn down an orphanage!”

When all the things we fear are dead, Christians seem to want to create new things to fear lest their god become irrelevant.


  1. A Hermit says

    There are really just two kinds of people in the world. Those who divide everybody into two groups, and those who don’t…

  2. angharad says

    Not to mention, of course, that there’s absolutely no archaeological evidence that the Israelites were slaves in Egypt ever. So it’s a pretty terrible analogy.

  3. Francisco Bacopa says

    And this is really offensive to actual Jews who believe that the story of living in Egypt is either real and thus should not be used as a metaphor, or that it might not be real, but it’s a cool metaphor about how cozying up to the powerful can end up making you a slave. I think the second interpretation is pretty awesome.

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