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Apr 30 2013

Something for the Men – Bad Advice

Cosmopolitan magazine has been at the forefront of the finest of advice given to women for more than a decade.

Okay. Cosmo’s advice boils down to “Touch him on the Penis”. I couldn’t even be sarcastic about it.

But it’s given some “terrible” fucking advice. Advice on what to do if you cheat on your man (because it’s Cosmo and not for Lesbians)

Don’t Tell Him…

Your mother may have told you that honesty is the best policy, but in this case, many experts advise keeping your mouth shut. “If it really was just one indiscretion, don’t tell him,” says psychologist Marcella Bakur Weiner, PhD, author of Cheaters. “Although it might make you feel better, it will only hurt him and ruin the trust between you.” 

From a relationship standpoint, if you cannot be honest in your relationship then you are living a lie. I personally don’t understand the drive or onus to cheat so I cannot comment on that…

Yes, be completely and utterly selfish! You have vindicated every single reason why men don’t trust women. Every single argument made by men who don’t trust women and are ridiculously possessive of them is held to be true if you are encouraging women who cheat to simply lie so as to spare us our man feelings. Not smart and not healthy. It’s just terrible advice.

…Or Anyone Else

Even if the guilt is killing you, let it be your burden to bear. And don’t tell other people either or you increase the possibility of his finding out.

You should also self flagellate with an actual whip. Remember it’s all in the wrist.

The point of telling “your bloke” that you cheated on him is so that you can have a healthy relationship. Take your licks, if it’s meant to be then you can salvage it.

The fact is that if you cheated on someone the person you are with isn’t the baddie. It is in their best interests to stop dating you. It may hurt leaving but frankly you have proven that you cannot be trusted. Sure you may say that “It won’t happen again” but the trust is dead and you will never re-create the same level of trust. This is just having your cake and eating it.

Examine Your Motives

When a woman cheats, even just once, there’s usually a problem in her relationship. “Women often stray if their sex lives are stagnant or they’re feeling neglected,” says Ruth Houston, author of Is He Cheating on You? ”The other man fulfills something that her current guy isn’t giving her.”
When a man cheats on a woman it’s clearly because he is a knuckle dragging imbecile who is hypnotised by breasts.

People cheat for a variety of reasons. Boredom, Bad Decisions ™, Revenge, Spur of the Moment and Fancied Someone Else being some of them.

The point is you are unwilling to be honest to yourself and so examining your motives is an exercise in futility. Chances are you are going to lie to yourself and pretend the reasons for cheating were not as serious as they really are. Because the person taking this sort of advice seriously is the sort of person who is bad at introspection.

Ask for More

If you decide your love is worth salvaging, you have to fix the problem or the issues will fester. “Ask yourself why you did it,” advises Weiner. “Then let your boyfriend know what you need from him.” But still, do not confess.

Except it’s not salvaged. It’s necromancy. It looks alive and it may fool your other half but you know what’s wrong with it. You may even be in a relationship due to the guilt of cheating.

It’s impossible to have a honest relationship if you aren’t willing to be honest.

Cosmo gives terrible advice.

Be Honest With Yourself

Of course, the relationship could already be dead in the water. “You may just be too lazy or scared to address the issues,” Houston points out. Or you just want to see what else is out there before doing anything drastic. But do yourself (and your boyfriend) a favor: Cut the cord.

But honest with yourself. But not with others. Oh no no! The truth will not set you free.

You cannot use the stance of “Be Honest with Yourself” just a few points after “Lie So Hard that your Nose Puts his Eye Out”.

Say You’re Sorry

Even if you’ve covered your tracks, your man could discover your indiscretion. Assuming you still want to be with him, your best bet is to say how sorry you are, swear it’ll never happen again, and beg for his forgiveness. Now is not the time to get into the reasons why you did it. “Wait a couple weeks before airing your grievances,” says Weiner. “He needs time to process the betrayal without being confronted with the mistakes he’s made.”

Some women do cheat on men due to the mistakes those men make.

However if that’s the case you wouldn’t be sorry now would you?

And here is how I predict airing of grievances will go “I am not happy with x, y or z” to which the response will be “I am not happy with you shagging other blokes but if I can work around that you can deal with x, y and z”.

See, that’s what the problem is. You have made the mistake yet you are expecting him to somehow take the blame for you. Men aren’t goldfish. We remember what you do and if betrayed we too are equally capable of being sarcastic. I mean, how would you expect this to go? That somehow being cheated on will make men love you even more and do anything to keep you around?

Or that it will make them not trust you at all and then take any suggestion (no matter how valid) as completely inappropriate since you have effectively traded away the right to make complaints since your complaints are ALWAYS going to be a lot less worse than his counter argument.

Give Him Space

Being cheated on can do a number on a person’s self-esteem, so you have to stroke the poor boy’s ego. Regardless, he will be pissed and might need space. If so, leave him alone until, fingers crossed, he forgives you.

It’s not his EGO that’s the problem.

It’s his TRUST. I understand Cosmo lives in the world where you have to keep men entertained by playing with their penis but frankly Cosmo does a great disservice to women by making them think other women are skinny arseholes and making women think men are drooling idiots.

His ego has taken a lick, but you know what? All of his friends are not going to say “it was his fault”, they are going to say “that it was yours”. His ego is bruised but it will heal, after all he isn’t the one that’s fucked up. However what is broken is the trust.

The villain of this piece is the cheater.

Don’t take advice from Cosmopolitan Magazine. They are the stupids.

9 comments

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  1. 1
    Kevin, 友好火猫 (Friendly Fire Cat)

    I have no problem with polyamorous relationships. Personally I don’t think I’d be the type to engage in one myself (I have a hard enough time keeping attention on my two CATS, let alone on two partners) but if my partner were to want a polyamorous relationship, fine – all I’d ask would be complete openness and honesty. Let me meet the other partner, let me talk to them and ensure they are aware of our relationship before going forward. I don’t need to know everything that goes on, I just want to be aware that that is what’s going on.

  2. 2
    Pierce R. Butler

    Take your licks, if it’s meant to be then you can salvage it.

    Please either revise or delete this sentence!

  3. 3
    CaitieCat, in no way a robot nosireebot

    Let me meet the other partner, let me talk to them and ensure they are aware of our relationship before going forward.

    In my experience*, this is pretty much the default mode for poly people. Sneak not, speak lots.

    * 15 years or so with a varying number of people.

  4. 4
    MJ

    Yeah even my virginal teen self figured out cosmo was bunk for relationship advice after I picked up one issue with the article ‘what he really means when he uses emoticons on msn’. Apparently if your bf doesn’t use a flower, a love heart, a smiley AND says ‘love you’ with you a billion ‘xoxoxo’ before saying goodbye then he doesn’t really love you and is totes cheating on you!? Make sure you obsess over it if he accidently makes the broken heart or wilted flower emote, it might mean he’s actually not in love with you anymore and just trying to hide it.

  5. 5
    bonobrat

    If you want a regular dose of snark viz. Cosmo, try The Pervocracy. Blogger “Cliff” works in medicine, often identifies as male, and likes poly relationships and BDSM. The current entry focuses on Cosmo‘s May 2013 issue and the tag cosmocking will take you to all such reviews.

    Somebody please fix the display of html in preview.

  6. 6
    Francisco Bacopa

    Men cheat because they didn’t really want to be in an exclusive relationship but believed they should indicate that they did for a variety of reasons. My advice to women? Build on your strengths. Develop yourself. The men who will truly appreciate you and want you will be those are present when you are becoming stronger.

    That’s all Cosmo needs to say. Strive and thrive, the right guys will be there.

    Why do women cheat? Mostly because they are trying to break out of a rut and have decided to change the direction of their lives. Their partners aren’t supportive of this, but they get out there and try, as they should. So they meet a guy who appreciates what they are trying to do. Instant attraction! I had a string of married lovers, and this is how it always happened.

    So dudes: Support your woman and help her thrive.

  7. 7
    smrnda

    First, I honestly can’t figure out cheating. Part of this is that I find being in a relationship is a pretty big investment; I have other friends, but another *serious thing* would be overwhelming. I’m also not that interested in sex, so that could probably be it as well.

    Most relationship advice given seems to be based on some gender stereotypes – communication or trust are neglected and it’s about figuring out ‘how men work’ or ‘how women work.’ Cosmo or religious books are about the same in that department.

  8. 8
    Thumper: Who Presents Boxes Which Are Not Opened

    Gods, I hate cosmo. Women’s mags in general, actually.

  9. 9
    faith

    My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted prophetjakula for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of prophetjakula contact him through [email protected]

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