A Voice For Me – Not the Geeks!


In the aftermath of “Donglegate” (Dear Americans. Stop Putting Gate at the end of everything. It makes everything sound stupid. There are BIGGER scandals out there. Let’s start calling things Donlehman Bros) I wrote about my stance on the issue. I don’t think Adria Richards handled it correctly particularly considering it was a private conversation…

I don’t know if the employers of the two men handled it correctly.

I do know that the response from the Internet was bad and everything from “Rapey” to “Deathy”.

But do my eyes deceive me? It’s everyone’s favourite rape apologist brigade and all round worst dudes from A Voice For Men! This time they have sage advice for all us geeks. So we must take heed.

Gentlemen:

BEHOLD!

Now that we got that out of the way…

I know that a lot of you have reacted with fear and revulsion concern over the “donglegate” feminist imbroglio empowerment exercise. I know you are looking askance at the female geeks in your midst, the ones you used to enjoy working with, the ones you used to trust, the ones who told you they just wanted to be treated like one of the guys, the ones who you thought just wanted to succeed on their own merits, the ones who covered your ass faults when you needed it, the ones you did all that work for when she was on her period so oppressed by the patriarchy that she didn’t feel like working for a week a culture that promotes rape crimes against the vagina-born wimminz, and the ones you once counted as friends.

Holy strike-through Batman!

Dear AVFM… Geeks come from various different backgrounds. Not all of us have a grasp of “Computers”. In the same way that not all computer geeks would understand the difference between various orthopaedic screws or medicine. Then again? MRAs do live in this fantasy world where doctors aren’t geeks but some sort of “alpha male” which is why I cannot walk down the street without women clinging to my legs like I am Luke Skywalker and they are a pre-Sibling Relation Princess Leia. I thought it was just due to my snazzy trousers.

Listen… we cannot take this seriously. I mean just look at it.

  • WE TRUSTED YOU! NOW WE CANNOT USE THE WORD DONGLE!
  • I have never been threatened with rape unless the person involved thought that I am a woman.
  • Ho Ho Ho! Because women cannot work on their Periods! AMIRITE GAIZ?
  • I am sorry? What part of “The Internet Responded with Death, Hate and Rape Threats is a culture that doesn’t promote crime against women?

Most of you are clamming up around disassociating yourselves from your female coworkers and while it is permissible for a woman to retreat from a hostile environment created by men, when the hostile environment created by women is discomfitting to backwards men, your departure isa premature ejaculation & withdrawal a rude, abusive and unacceptable response to an impossiblea difficult but manageable situation, and we urge you to “man up” or face the consequences.

What Hostile Environment for Men? Hell! I got a Obs/Gynae rotation starting in a little over a week and even there all the vagina hasn’t already oppressed me.

And really? Since when are “geek environments” heavily dominated by women in sufficient numbers to make men suffer?

There is a technique to deal with these feelings and you need to learn it so that you can keep your fucking jobs protect your employment and keep your marriage domestic partnerships and your children putative or nominal offspring alive: its called, walking on eggshells respecting a woman’s comfort and feelings about certain words and technical terms spoken in our industry and in her presence.

No… It’s called “do not be a dick” and “think before you speak”. And we still call those things “jobs”, “marriage”, “children” and “being genuinely nice”.

As someone who thinks that Adria responded to a childish joke in an overtly sensitive way and who then escalated it to “cyberspace”, I must point out that’s all she did. The companies fired one of the jokers and the abuse came from people who chose to be terrible. Her sensitivity is hers to deal with. The various employers including the one that fired her may have handled things better. The people who harassed her have no excuse.

If you defend the people who attacked her then you are a horrible person. Then again… MRAs…

As part of our commitment to bend over and take it up the ass from every dildo-strap-on-wielding feminist bitch who wakes up in a bad mood our valued and vulnerable liberated female employees, our feminist slavemaster Adria Richards Human Resources Department has compiled a list of troublesome micro computer aggressions and a description of how some crazed harpiesreasonable women might find them a vicious chance for worldwide shaming and attention-whoring objectionable.

It’s amazing that you managed to ruin sarcasm. And the key point here was that dongle was being used in an euphemistic way…

Just like when I use the word 3.5 Inch Floppy (Wink Wink… Nudge Nudge).

Some examples from the list:

“computer” – a woman’s stupidity sensitive ears and deep womanly understanding render this as “come-put-her”, as is in “hey, guys! come-put-her down while we whip out our large dongles!” From now on, the correct term will be “Ada Machine”.

Really swinging high there August… If your argument were to work you would need to make it Cum (*titter*) Put Her or something.

“cable” – this is a sexist term that suggests the male sexual organ and so it is always hurtful to women and their beautiful lady parts. From now on, the correct term will be “umbilicus”, except in the case where some sort of severing or cutting is contemplated: it is okay to chop off a cable, but one can only attach an umbilicus.

What an amazing Strawman! I suggest you find a young lady from Kansas, A Lion and a Tinman and maybe a wizard can get you some brains.

“RAM” – filling a come-put-her with extra RAM denotes a violent act used to hurt and oppress women. From now on, the correct term will be “anniversary reminders”.

I object to the removal of a common Indian name from adamachining lingo. You horrid racist!

“ROM” – see “RAM”.

Run ROM run!

“forking” – the delicate ears of women hear this as a portmanteau of “foreplay” and “fucking”. From now on, the correct term will be “adopting”, and the evil phrase “forking his repo” should be rendered as “adopting her ideology”.

Aww but then how will I ever make “Spooning leads to Forking” jokes?

“hardware” – the delicate ears of women hear this as an erect penis in a war on women. From now on, the correct female-friendly term will be “happy shoes”.

“software” – the delicate ears of women hear this as an flaccid penis disobeying a ravenously horny woman’s demands for penetrative sex. From now on, the correct female-friendly term will be “new shoes”.

Dear MRA. Decide whether women want your penises or don’t want your penises.

“freeware” – the delicate ears of women hear this as a sale at DSW. This term should only be whispered to a woman so she can get there first.

Because women like shopping! AMIRITE GAIS?

“monitor” – a monitor is a type of lizard, which is suggestive of the male sex organ, which is oppressive to women. From now on, the correct term will be “bright eye thingy”.

Hint… Does Not Look Like a Penis

If your penis looks like the above lizard then please seek out a doctor for advice.

Preferably one who isn’t me.

“thingy” – a woman’s-only term for the penis. Men should instead say “ummmmmm”.

But that’s my thinking sound!

“mouse” – eek! Kill it!

I am going to field this while chanelling my oldest (and bestest and favouritest) fan. The Meowcenary. A Vet Tech.

“I DELIVER MOWSE BABIES”!

Women aren’t scared of mice. Hell I don’t like cockroaches and still look away from needles when being given an injection. The stereotype that women are scared of “Mice” forgets one thing.

If a mouse climbs up your trouser leg then you too will learn the meaning of fear as a man…

“Python” – a Python is a snake, which is oppressive to woman. Don’t use this for anything.

Pythons are oppressive to women? Whatcha gonna do, brotha, when the twenty four inch pythons run wild on you?

Hulkamania aside are pythons oppressive to women because they look like penises?

10 Metre Long Penises that Eat once a Year… I think “Snake or Penis” is a game humans got good at very early in our evolution and since that fateful battle women aren’t oppressed by “snakes”.

“Java” – a Java is a drink served by oppressed secretaries to their male bosses, AND a reminder of the elevator assault on Rebecca Watson. Don’t use this for anything.

Not to be confused with Jawas which are small natives from Tatooine who are good with machines. It’s critical to not mix it up if you are around Geeks.

And just call it coffee like a sane human being without sounding like the only coffee you can drink comes from South East Asia because your mouths can tell the difference between the beans without seeing the packet. Fuck! I probably could get Brazilian coffee and pass it off as Javanese coffee by packaging and you would go “mmm! Best Java Ever!”.

On a serious note…

The Horse Is Dead. We already turned it into lasagna, glue and dog food. It’s deader than fucking Shergar. Stop beating it… We have all moved on. It’s just you…

“C++” – C++ means “Cunt plus Oral plus Anal”, a brutal evaluation of women’s utility in programming. Don’t use this for anything.

+ is the increment operator in C.

I don’t know what crazy world C++ is Cunt plus Oral plus Anal because the O and A are not mentioned.

“Motherboard” – this term implies that women are only valued when they give birth. From now on, the correct term will be “empoweredbroad”, except when it has problems, and then “manboard” is acceptable: “Oops, this manboard is fried. Let’s ask a woman to replace it with an empoweredbroad.”

Dear Sir, I wish to know the name of the drugs that you have imbibed as I wish to experience this fantastic reality you seem to live in.

“term” – the word “term” is related to pregnancy (“carried to term”), which is a process the patriarchy uses to suppress both women’s wages and her access to free abortions. From now on, the correct term for “term” will be “word”.

Pregnancy suppresses Abortions? WHO KNEW!!!

“compiler” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to “come pile [on] her”. From now on, the correct word will be “interpreter”.

While manly ears hear it as Cum Plier which means you should demonstrate your masculinity by shagging your tools.

“interpreter” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to “enter pretty her”. From now on, the correct words will be “make it go”.

I need an interpreter to understand all this wank.

“laptop” – delicate lady ears hear “lap” as a reference to the vaginal area, and “top” as dominant sexual partner. Taken together, these terms oppress women. From now on, the correct word will be “baby Ada Machine” unless the lady is experiencing fertility issues, in which case the words “re-sized Ada Machine” may be used instead.

I don’t think you understand what a lap is. Also? Please don’t place laptops on your actual lap. It’s a good way to go sterile or get some hefty burns.

“Spreadsheet” – delicate lady ears hear this as a vile sexual position on a well-made bed, both of which are oppressive to women. From now on, the correct words will be “math is oppressive for everyone”.

Is it just me that I am imagining a series of jams, marmalades and assorted fillings for sandwiches on a bed?

This is what happens when your luxury is Subway Sandwiches and you haven’t had any contact with a woman for 4 years.

“Systems analyst” – delicate lady ears hear this as a threat to sista’s in STEM fields to be anally raped. From now on, the correct word will be “smarty”.

But my man ears are worried that it may be one of those gays I keep hearing about who wants to have sex with me (analytically so to speak) and I fear that I will stop being so macho…

“worms” and “virus” – delicate lady ears can’t handle the fears these words create in their lady brains. Don’t say them at all.

And don’t say Marriage and Responsibility around men! Because all women are fearful little deer and all men are incapable of being anything but giant infants.

This is how you do sarcasm. Not by using formatting to give people a headache.

“rights” – this is a term word that only ladies are allowed to use. Men have no rights to “rights”.

It’s the same AVFM that said that India doesn’t have a rape culture because women can get into Nightclubs for Free.

Just checking… Yeah you boys are totally oppressed.

The full list of 113,000 entries is available in corporate headquarters. All male employees will be expected to have mastered this list at birth.

I think Geeks can do a lot more to be fun and open to women as a social group.

And in order to do that? READ THE ABOVE POINTS.

Then do PRECISELY the opposite of what AVFM tell you to do.

Comments

  1. jenBPhillips says

    Holy Shit. You’re made of strong stuff, Avicenna, if you could get through that pile of stupid without suffering a cerebral accident.

  2. says

    As an actual female programmer, can I just say that the best way to ruin any kind of humor is to do it too much? The constant cross outs and the enormous list of unoriginal definitions are just ridiculous. Also they get an Unsatisfactory mark for the amount of ridiculous complaining they do. Though they do get a bonus point for complaining about women who complain on their periods. That’s some fucking irony right there.

  3. Sercee says

    I couldn’t get through your teardown. I tried, I really did, but there’s only so many strike-throughs and elementary school bullying that I feel obligated to deal with in any given sitting. At what point did they seriously think they were being clever? They’re so… emo.

  4. Arkady says

    Well, it was a ‘private conversation’ in the middle of a conference presentation. If someone does that during a talk I’m trying to listen to it doesn’t matter what you’re saying, I’ll still turn around in my seat and give you the stink-eye until you act like a grownup instead of like kids in the back row of a classroom…

    Excellent takedown though, although my brane hurtz from reading teh stoopid….

  5. debbaasseerr says

    You have a good point Timid Atheist, but this humor came out pre-ruined anyway. Andrew Ti (from yoisthisracist) made this comment in an article talking about Billy Crystal doing blackface at the Oscars, but it applies equally well to sexist jokes:

    This is usually a good time to mention that a racist joke is not redeemed by being a funny joke — they almost never are anyway, since the stereotypes almost necessarily rely on a laziness that makes it almost impossible to create any original or interesting humor …

    Its only funny if you’re a gleeful sexist asshole. Just check out the comments section of that article – they think its breathtakingly hilarious.

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