Kiss With a Fist

Have you stopped hitting your wife?

There are no right answers to a lot of questions.

A woman came in with 2 broken ribs, a fractured jaw and a blow out fracture of the orbit on friday. It’s obvious what has happened. She was beaten by her husband. While treating her he came to claim her. A push back started first from the nurses who delayed him and finally after me and a friend arrived to defuse the situation. Long story short?

There was a scuffle and my glasses got broken (It’s alright, I have a spare! The slymepit can calm down! There is no Avicenna glasses Fundraiser).

So I spent the weekend in a mild funk. And then got angry…

Domestic violence is no laughing matter. Okay. Men do get hit by women. Such men don’t have much recourse to the law. But the MRAs don’t care about those men. They say they do… but their actions are different from words. If you really want to help the male victims of violence then you provide them with shelters or campaign for shelters to be expanded.

You don’t sit there and whine about the feminazi stasi and it’s betentacled grasp on society (and blogs) refusing to acknowledge the male  victims of abuse. The male victims of abuse are not derided by women for being attacked but by men for being weak enough to be attacked by a woman and to not simply shrug off their feeble weak wristed blows. You must be some sort of pansy to be beaten by a woman. You don’t constantly bitch about how the cunts are keeping you down. You go out and make the world better for the men. Some advice? If you are an MRA and you really want to help Men then STOP hanging out with the MRA… Stop going to the r/mensrights. Stop going to A Voice for Men, stop going to the Spearhead, stop living in that toxic circle jerk of self loathing and woe betiding. Yes there are some bad women out there but it’s not “due to feminism”. It’s due to people being bad. The correct way to stop it is to take a page out of feminism. Respect yourself, respect others and treat people as equals.

More than 50% of Indian Youth (that’s right – The next generation) think hitting your partner is acceptable in some situations outside of self defence. This includes women who think it’s okay to be hit if you are “being difficult”. Clearly this is not acceptable here but in India they are trying their level best to change and make their culture better. Violence is unacceptable anywhere. Violence is the break down of civility and humanity and should be the last resort of any human being. I don’t pretend to know what goes through the minds of abusers. I frankly don’t wish to talk to them. It is the abused that deserve our time.

Maybe it’s my upbringing. Abuse ran in my family. It is our great shame that we did nothing to stop the abuse of my aunt until it was too late. All that I can say is that I myself won’t beat my children like my father did or those who I claim to love like my aunt’s husband did. My cycle of violence stops here with me. My children will not live under the spectre of fear of physical violence and mental fear.

But the Spearhead articles is just fucking distasteful.

A photographer named Naomi Lewkowitz posted a montage of painful photos on TIME magazine depicting what life is often like with a single mother. In it, a young wife with two children has left her husband to shack up with an ex-con with very poor impulse control (who’d guess?).

Oh! Because all ex-criminals are people who cannot be redeemed. Way to stick up for the men there… After all? Once A Criminal Always A Criminal!

Amazingly, the photographer apparently expected it to be a touching story about the difficulties faced by ex-cons, and how an oppressive society conspires against the poor, misunderstood thugs. It starts with Ms. Lewkowitz asking to take the man’s picture, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she found him to be somewhat alluring herself.

Just as how you think society is against Poor, Misunderstood MRAs? Actually the problems faced by ex-cons means that they are often less likely to be hired in legal jobs causing them to “fall back into their old habits”. America especially has a very very poor attitude to rehabilitation and prison is seen more as “Vengeance” rather than “Change Your Ways”.

And I suppose I should field the stupid as fuck statement of “alluring”. Dear MRAs. Just because a woman shows some interest in who you are doesn’t mean they fancy you. It just means that you are interesting. Just because we wish to take a photo of you doesn’t mean we fancy you.

Unsurprisingly, Shane and Maggie’s relationship rapidly devolves into combat, and Lewkowitz manages to catch some of it on film. The photos were not easy for me to look at, but not for the reasons most people might assume when they hear the term “domestic violence.” The automatic assumption is that the primary victim is the battered female, but when you take a look at the facts of the case that gives way to another perspective: not only did the woman knowingly place herself in a risky situation, she did the same to her children, who had no choice in the matter.

Empathy thy name is W. F. Price. Yes. The children are also at risk as much as she is and while she is responsible for their safety, she also is not in control of the man who was hitting her. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

There’s one photo of the thug (I can hardly think of words that would describe my contempt for a piece of shit like him) pushing little four-year-old Kayden around. As a father, there is nothing worse than knowing you are helpless to protect your son from these kinds of animals when his mother decides she wants some hot badboy action. And just as bad is to think of the potential problems when your daughter starts to look like a woman some years down the road. To top it all off, the kids’ father is paying close to half of his take-home pay so that the criminal can enjoy a nice wide-screen TV (featured prominently in one photo) while he shoves his kids around.

He’s a thug because he has poor decision tattoos… (Say what you will, tattooing your face and neck doesn’t help people think you  are productive).

And look! If you were playing MRA bingo there is a “Won’t Someone Think of the Childrens” in the same paragraph as “fuck child support”.

Now, as for the mother’s partial responsibility for this mess, it’s pretty clear. She chose an ex-con, she apparently left her husband while he was deployed (very common — in both senses of the word), and she did it for kicks. Yes, that’s right: she was in it for the action, and she says as much herself.

While leaving your spouse on deployment is “sad” and very irritating to the man (usually) who has gone off on a military deployment, it’s completely insane to expect a woman who doesn’t love you to “stay around” and wait for you to get back home. You may be the “hero” in this piece but you really cannot expect someone who does not love you anymore to be with you. It’s shallow and all that but frankly expecting someone to stay with you simply because of your job is just as shallow.

As for the kicks? She did it because she wanted something in her life and apparently this violent man filled a niche in her life that her previous partner could not. Again, it’s sad to think about but if there are a sizeable amount of MRA Pick Up Artists who do the same thing. And while I cannot grasp the concept of wanting “a bad boy”, I cannot fault her choice as anything but “poor in hindsight”.

It’s a surprisingly honest statement of guilt, although I doubt she feels any herself. However, she does at least provide us with an idea of the paternal equivalent of that level of stupidity and recklessness: what she did is akin to a father developing a habit of getting drunk and taking his kids for joy rides on mountain logging roads. Of all involved in the story, I have less sympathy for the mother than anyone but the ex-con she shacked up with. Certainly the kids would top my list, and then their father, who will have to live in constant fear for his children as long as their mother has custody of them. Even the photographer is a more sympathetic character; at least she was neutral and helped put the boyfriend away for a long time. If she hadn’t been involved, there’s a good chance it would have dragged on a lot longer.

No. What she did was akin to a father leaving the mother of his kids and taking the kids to go live with a woman who hits him and them. The analogy is moronic. A drunk driving father is solely to blame. The alcohol dulls his senses and he is likely to crash. This is voiding all responsibility for the violent man and treating him as a force of nature or a fixture.

As a mother, Maggie was negligent, but will that affect her custody of her children? Not a chance. She’s a higher level of victim than the toddlers she brought into the situation. The photographer indicates as much herself, and shows not a trace of concern about the fact that she’ll keep custody of the kids whether she stays with their father or not:

Because blaming her for her boyfriend’s actions is stupid. She is responsible for them but has unfortunately fallen in love with “a jerk”. Her flaw is “poor mate selection”. His flaw is that he is a violent man. And custody is granted on a variety of issues including “availability of spouse to the children”. Career soldiers often make poor single parents because they are often posted in different parts of the world or possibly in active combat zones. So custody remains with the mother.

At least the kids will now be with their father. Thank God for that. But their mother will be perfectly free to put them through that hell once again if she chooses, and again nobody will be able to do a thing about it until the police show up to haul off her new beau.

Because once an abuse victim always an abuse victim? I have no qualms in wishing that this author would die in a fire.

Despite all this, all Lewkowitz and assorted other bleeding hearts can think of as a solution is VAWA, because they can’t imagine for a moment that a so-called “victim” is part of the problem.

Listen mate. When your movement is more prone to defending the perpetrator of abuse by portraying him as inherently violent and a force of nature like a tiger rather than as a human being with responsibility of action than say protecting the victims of abuse then you my friend are a terrible human being and an idiot.

VAWA exists to try and stop domestic violence and consists of

  • STOP Grants (State Formula Grants)
  • Transitional Housing Grants
  • Grants to Encourage Arrest and Enforce Protection Orders
  • Court Training and Improvement Grants
  • Research on Violence Against Indian Women
  • National Tribal Sex Offender Registry
  • Stalker Reduction Database
  • Federal Victim Assistants
  • Sexual Assault Services Program
  • Services for Rural Victims
  • Civil Legal Assistance for Victims
  • Elder Abuse Grant Program
  • Protections and Services for Disabled Victims
  • Combating Abuse in Public Housing
  • National Resource Center on Workplace Responses
  • Violence on College Campuses Grants
  • Safe Havens Project
  • Engaging Men and Youth in Prevention

It also increases the speed of response to domestic violence and has expanded it’s scope with regards to the GLBT, Men, Native Americans and Migrants. The newer bill actually is taking steps to protect men. It’s also excellent at reducing and prosecuting domestic violence but has been demonised by people who claim it causes divorce (Yes it does. I can safely say that this act WILL cause increases in the number of divorces. By empowering those who are abused to divorce their abuser and go live a life away from the violence). As I said. MRAs don’t care about Men. They care about “me”. If they did they would be campaigning for an expansion of VAWA.

Let’s end on a good note. A lot of what I experienced on Friday was very new. What I learnt about abuse in India was from people who are part of a charity called Ring the Bell. So special shout out to them. It’s an anti-domestic violence charity and campaign where you are encouraged to safely disrupt instances of domestic violence by showing your capacity as a witness. By interrupting the cycle of violence you can make small changes which help people leave such relationships.

Bell Bajao (Ring the Bell) was started in India and has spread with many sister movements in places like South American and South Africa and other countries. It’s a very smart initiative and has shown massive success in areas where abuse was common place and even expected.

I come from a culture where children are beaten. It never occurred to my father that what he was doing is wrong. My mother slowly changed his attitudes but I suffered for it more than my brother. The culture can and must change. If my father can change his ways with my brother then you can change entire cultures of abuse.

A Kiss With A Fist Is Not Better Than None.


  1. physicsphdstu says

    “More than 50% of Indian Youth (that’s right – The next generation) think hitting your partner is acceptable in some situations outside of self defense. ”

    Can you provide a reference ? Not that I disagree with your article but this statistic seems unture.

  2. smrnda says

    I have read some alarming statistics even from the States about when violence is acceptable, or when they think somehow rape is okay, so 50% doesn’t really shock me, though I partly wonder if people say these things out of some kind of need to seem daring and shocking sometimes.

    Something I notice about MRAs – the usual theme is that women are leaving the decent guy for some jerk, all for very shallow reasons, but to me this just seems like the usual Nice Guy(tm) syndrome – any guy with a woman is seen as a jerk or worse simply out of resentment, if nothing else.

    And yeah, it would be nice if women never ended up with abusive men, but it’s somehow impossible to find out who will be abusive and who won’t, and many abusers will change their behavior a lot once two people start living together or get married.

  3. says

    I have an MRA, who also happens to be my cyberstalker, using my horrific domestic violence situation to torment me. I was unfortunately arrested along with my ex-husband after I called for help in my last encounter with him. This MRA stalker has been following me around the internet posting everywhere that I am a husband-beater.

    I have spoken out about this situation quite frequently to try to draw attention to the inequity that occurs in my county. It is known policy that all parties to an incident will be arrested and let the courts sort it out. Victims be damned.

  4. MadHatter says

    My sister was involved with an abusive ex-military guy (not an ex-con and supposedly from a nice family). At more than 2 feet taller and outweighing her by a lot he beat her, then got the police to arrest her (covered in bruises) and not get her medical attention by claiming she beat him up. They didn’t arrest him. Instead she’s got the record.

    He then stalked her for two years. It only stopped when she moved out of the state. I suspect he fits quite well with the MRA world, believing himself to be a Nice Guy(tm) too. He wasn’t the first boyfriend to hit her either. Now that she has a child, we all hope he was the last.

    Domestic violence is incredibly common, so 50% in other parts of the world does not surprise me.

  5. says

    Yes, that happened in my situation also. I asked for medical attention ans was refused. I asked them to at least document my injuries. She said she did, I don’t know if that is the case. Seven years later and I am still having surgeries to try and correct the damage done.

  6. thumper1990 says

    I’ve never come across Spearhead before, and quite frankly I think I’d have preferred to stay ignorant. What the fuck? It’s the mother’s fault this guy was violent? Oh, of course. That makes perfect sense.

    However Avi has covered the stupidity of the article quite admirably, so to the comments. They are predictably full of arsehole MRA Libertarians going on about feminism being to blame for her running off with an ex-con and generally displaying a collective IQ that may just be on a par with your average University Graduate. But this one stood out:

    First, is her age correct?

    It says she has a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old and is 19…so, she gave birth at 13???

    Jesus fucking wept…

  7. thumper1990 says

    Also went and read the article which spearhead is moaning about. It’s perfectly fucking obvious to any rational minded person that the author is not defending the abuser or making him out to be a victim in any way. That whole spearhead article is a fucking joke. *rage*

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