Into Avicenna!!! THE EVER LIVING!!!
Okay! I got that bit out of my system. Today’s silliness comes from an anonymous reader who posted a little quiz courtesy of some crazy christian preacher called Bob Larsen. Googling his stuff doesn’t show the list. Apparently it’s behind some sort of pay wall and someone has quite nicely paid so that we can all benefit from this knowledge. So I figured I should take the test. Just to find out if I am more asura than deva.
Do you have a demon? Take this short quiz to find out if you are at risk.
Better do what he says. Apparently Larsen has degrees in Monsteronomy and Demonology.
By the Power of Greyskull that image alone hurts to look at. Maybe I do have a demon.
1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?
No. My anger and violence is highly controlled. I plan my inhuman rampages to match a metal soundtrack and carefully choreograph them for maximum theatrical effect.
2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?
Yes. But I was unable to create the necessary synergy needed. Plus I am from Manchester… Where the hell am I going to find a virgin everytime I need to do anything occult? And have you seen the price of wibbly wobbly daggers? Don’t get me started on getting cultists to do anything apart from wear terrible shoes and drink poisoned tang. And these days you have to be careful! I once spent nearly 400 pounds on ancient texts invoking a blood soaked future where demons roamed and everything was covered in skulls. Where humanity was as bad as the monsters it sought to fought, callously discarding lives to further the xenophobic goals of a corpse while all around aliens of varying shapes and forms fought against eldritch beings and biological terrors of your worst nightmares. I even had the tiny plastic figures to go with all that! And let me tell you, the only thing all of that managed to do was make girlfriends vanish from my life with astonishing quickness.
3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?
Incested is not a word. But clearly this is a demonology session rather than remedial english.
Can’t make a joke about this and it’s a bit too early in the blog game to be telling people about myself.
4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?
Yes, I do. I often have these uncontrolled blackouts and wake up 3 or 4 hours later surrounded by destruction of property. It’s irritating when I am at home, but positively embarassing when I am at the clinic. I was giving a patient a prostate exam last month when it happened and now he won’t come back to the clinic.
5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?
No. But I would like to. I hear it’s amazing!
6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?
No. Immoral and Illegal acts are completely within my customary values.
7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?
Judging by the stupidity of this questionnaire the answer may be a yes.
8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?
Yes, but only if I talk to people who think demons exist.
9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?
No. I just start up a game of the sims, make a character that looks like me then abuse it till it pees itself, starves and “accidentally” sets himself on fire.
10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?
Yes. Let’s just say it caused an unnatural fear of balloons…
11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?
Often all three at the same time!
12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?
Yes. But mine is called PZ Myers and its less a voice and more a sort of text based blasphemy deal. Also a lot of squids… I don’t know what that’s about.
13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?
Fame and the ability to play Rock and Roll. The standard life exchange policy as it were.
14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?
No. I live a life based on the acquisition of money so I can buy things I want because as of now I am really poor and everyone keeps telling me that money is evil. I want to get some to see what the fuss is all about.
15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?
What sort of question is that? Of course! They are parents. That’s practically their job. I for one am looking forward to dressing up as a werewolf with my (hypothetical) wife to scare my kids (Also hypothetical) at some point.
16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?
I once got accidentally left at a supermarket. Does that count?
17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?
Objection! Repeating the question! It’s just 21 questions! How can you repeat them?
18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?
No. I never fail in my relationships. It’s just that the other people in them are so very human and cannot match my superior build quality. Thus they break away and fall to the wayside like a hubcap from a wheel… Or a wounded squirrel.
19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?
Yes. Wait. Are you saying that all relationship troubles are caused by Satan? That makes sense. It figures that it would take an unholy being of pure evil to create shows such as Jerry Springer and Maury Povich so as to profit from that!
20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?
Clearly demons cause poor people to be poor and sick. Which is why prayer has a 100% success rate in treating lepers and poverty! Which is why Africa has no lepers and everyone is super rich!
21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?
Yes. I think the problem is that there is this text which doesn’t make any sense that expects you to believe in some malarky about super incest and a talking snake and some bizzare rules about not eating owls and then it goes on about some carpenter dude. Quite frankly it’s a big hinderance to the whole deal.
I just realised something.
INTERNET GAME TIME! 21 questions! Answer them like a famous character and the rest of us will try guessing who it is!