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Ancient Spirits of Evil… Transform me

Into Avicenna!!! THE EVER LIVING!!!

 

Okay! I got that bit out of my system. Today’s silliness comes from an anonymous reader who posted a little quiz courtesy of some crazy christian preacher called Bob Larsen. Googling his stuff doesn’t show the list. Apparently it’s behind some sort of pay wall and someone has quite nicely paid so that we can all benefit from this knowledge. So I figured I should take the test. Just to find out if I am more asura than deva.

Do you have a demon? Take this short quiz to find out if you are at risk.

Better do what he says. Apparently Larsen has degrees in Monsteronomy and Demonology.

By the Power of Greyskull that image alone hurts to look at. Maybe I do have a demon.

1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

No. My anger and violence is highly controlled. I plan my inhuman rampages to match a metal soundtrack and carefully choreograph them for maximum theatrical effect.

2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

Yes. But I was unable to create the necessary synergy needed. Plus I am from Manchester… Where the hell am I going to find a virgin everytime I need to do anything occult? And have you seen the price of wibbly wobbly daggers? Don’t get me started on getting cultists to do anything apart from wear terrible shoes and drink poisoned tang. And these days you have to be careful! I once spent nearly 400 pounds on ancient texts invoking a blood soaked future where demons roamed and everything was covered in skulls. Where humanity was as bad as the monsters it sought to fought, callously discarding lives to further the xenophobic goals of a corpse while all around aliens of varying shapes and forms fought against eldritch beings and biological terrors of your worst nightmares. I even had the tiny plastic figures to go with all that! And let me tell you, the only thing all of that managed to do was make girlfriends vanish from my life with astonishing quickness.

3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

Incested is not a word. But clearly this is a demonology session rather than remedial english.

Can’t make a joke about this and it’s a bit too early in the blog game to be telling people about myself.

4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

Yes, I do. I often have these uncontrolled blackouts and wake up 3 or 4 hours later surrounded by destruction of property. It’s irritating when I am at home, but positively embarassing when I am at the clinic. I was giving a patient a prostate exam last month when it happened and now he won’t come back to the clinic.

5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

No. But I would like to. I hear it’s amazing!

6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

No. Immoral and Illegal acts are completely within my customary values.

7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

Judging by the stupidity of this questionnaire the answer may be a yes.

8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

Yes, but only if I talk to people who think demons exist.

9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

No. I just start up a game of the sims, make a character that looks like me then abuse it till it pees itself, starves and “accidentally” sets himself on fire.

10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

Yes. Let’s just say it caused an unnatural fear of balloons…

11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

Often all three at the same time!

12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

Yes. But mine is called PZ Myers and its less a voice and more a sort of text based blasphemy deal. Also a lot of squids… I don’t know what that’s about.

13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

Fame and the ability to play Rock and Roll. The standard life exchange policy as it were.

14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

No. I live a life based on the acquisition of money so I can buy things I want because as of now I am really poor and everyone keeps telling me that money is evil. I want to get some to see what the fuss is all about.

15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

What sort of question is that? Of course! They are parents. That’s practically their job. I for one am looking forward to dressing up as a werewolf with my (hypothetical) wife to scare my kids (Also hypothetical) at some point.

16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

I once got accidentally left at a supermarket. Does that count?

17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

Objection! Repeating the question! It’s just 21 questions! How can you repeat them?

18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

No. I never fail in my relationships. It’s just that the other people in them are so very human and cannot match my superior build quality. Thus they break away and fall to the wayside like a hubcap from a wheel… Or a wounded squirrel.

19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

Yes. Wait. Are you saying that all relationship troubles are caused by Satan? That makes sense. It figures that it would take an unholy being of pure evil to create shows such as Jerry Springer and Maury Povich so as to profit from that!

20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

Clearly demons cause poor people to be poor and sick. Which is why prayer has a 100% success rate in treating lepers and poverty! Which is why Africa has no lepers and everyone is super rich!

21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

Yes. I think the problem is that there is this text which doesn’t make any sense that expects you to believe in some malarky about super incest and a talking snake and some bizzare rules about not eating owls and then it goes on about some carpenter dude. Quite frankly it’s a big hinderance to the whole deal.

I just realised something.

INTERNET GAME TIME! 21 questions! Answer them like a famous character and the rest of us will try guessing who it is!

Comments

  1. HP says

    Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    In sequence or in combination? Because I once won 300 yuan worth of I Ching coins in a game of five-card Texas tarot.

  2. Stacy says

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?
    My outbursts of violence are carefully planned. Sometimes years in advance.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?
    I’ll do anything for a thrill, but I don’t take that sort of thing seriously.

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?
    Probably. The backstory doesn’t mention it though.

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?
    No. Of course, I take care that people rarely see my stabby side.

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?
    No, just for fun.

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?
    With Avicenna on this one. Immoral and Illegal acts are completely within my customary values.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?
    No. I like to think I’ve inspired it.

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?
    Everyone I love dies.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?
    Me, harm this gorgeous body?

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?
    Yawn.

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?
    One can only hope.

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?
    Only my own.

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?
    Satan and I relate as equals. I sometimes take his client overload.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?
    I fear nothing.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?
    Yes. I got them back.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?
    See above.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?
    Rejected? Me? Well, this was this one girl in college…

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?
    Define “fail.”

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?
    …Her name was Lisa…Lisa somebody….

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?
    None at all.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?
    Hindered? No.

  3. says

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    Wait, being sexually violated is proof that the VICTIM is possessed? Did the rapist implant the demon? If that’s the case, maybe the victim should cherish the demon as a gift from God…

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    I notice he doesn’t ask about VIOLENT acts — like, oh I dunno, SEXUAL ASSAULT. Just some really vague language about “illegal or immoral” acts. (And what about illegal or immoral acts that are NOT contrary one’s customary values? There’s plenty of people whose “customary values” include all sorts of financial trickery, raping women who don’t conform, and killing anyone who doesn’t share their religion. So they’re not possessed by a demon, but a guy who goes outside his customary values is?)

    This guy is hilarious, but he’s also deeply fucked up.

  4. Loqi says

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    Bob Larson inappropriately touched my brain by writing this. That counts, right?

  5. says

    Haha, that was hilarious! Let me answer this questionnaire while channelling my inner Desi.

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

    No. I channel my frustration at high parental expectations and the crippling burdens of conventional success into chess, piano, violin and studying for my PhD in Medical Science.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    Yes, but only because my grandmother made me. My name was chosen according to numerology and astrology. Also, despite Ammachi’s warnings I whistle at night time and cut my nails after dark. Sometimes I get my hair cut on the weekday of my birth.

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    I once saw Aunty Sangeetha in a sari. I’m pretty sure that counts.

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

    Yes, once I grew a spine and stood up to my mother, but she slapped it out of me.

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

    There is no escape from painful past events. My mum, grandmothers and aunties remind me about how much of a failure and disappointment I am every day, and why can’t I be more like my cousin who’s a doctor and helps around the house and has such good manners.

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    Yes. Once I went to a party and stayed out past 10 pm, even though there was a test the next day. Also I ate a beef steak and felt sick afterwards. Sometimes I eat non-veg food on Saturdays. What can I say? I’m a rebel.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

    Frequently, but what’s the point? My mother will just follow me to my next birth anyway.

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

    Yes. This how Indian people know they’re living life correctly.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

    Does watching Rajnikanth movies count?

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

    I mentioned Aunty Sangeetha and her sari, didn’t I…

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

    Pretty much all of them, it was practically compulsory. Life was more fun in those days.

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

    Yes, frequently. But according to my grandma, what can you expect when all your friends are white people and Muslims? Why can’t you find some nice Indian and Chinese friends who’ll help you study?

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

    No, but I asked Muruga to give me Pokemon cards and I asked Durga to stop me being afraid of the dark.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

    Yes, I’m afraid that I’ll never get into med school and become a brain surgeon and attract a slim, Tamil Hindu wife with a wheatish complexion and PhD, and have three children (two doctors and a lawyer) and live in a big house with six BMWs and a swimming pool.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

    Yes, this is how Indian parents show love.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

    Yes, see above. Every time I got less than 95% on a test or assignment.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

    Yes, see above.

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

    No. I will never fail in my relationships because I won’t have one until I’m 35 and my parents will pick someone nice for me.

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

    Yes, Sachin Tendulkar still hasn’t returned any of my calls.

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

    Nothing a little yoga and creative visualisation can’t fix.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

    Yes, I’m hindered in Bible reading and attending church by the fact that I’m a Hindu and my grandmother will disown me if I turn my back on the faith of my ancestors and convert to the White Man’s Religion.

  6. says

    I am pretty sure you are terrible tamil if you just insulted Rajnikanth…

    To be fair it could be worse, they could have made you watch a Vijay movie…

  7. says

    Oru Rajnikanth padam parthaal, nooru Ranjikanth padam partha maathiri.

    I have never watched a Vijay movie, but I like the songs from Azhagiya Tamizh Magan.

  8. Yoritomo says

    This is fun. Let me try a contemporary of Yoritomo:

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

    Yes. When the Retired Emperor hatches yet another plot against me, I get quite irate.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    No. I stick with one form, thank you very much.

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    I am a male member of a powerful clan. Nobody would dare violate me.

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

    No, I’m quite consistent at being a bully.

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

    No. There are no painful past experiences in my life.

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    No. My word is law; I cannot commit illegal acts.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

    No. There was no need.

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

    Maybe when I think of my second son. He’s not cut out for clan leadership.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

    No, although I’m a lay monk. Self-flagellation just isn’t for me.

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

    No. I’ve inflicted life-changing trauma on others, though.

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

    My father killed enemies on the battlefield and had extramarital sex. And a few of my children will commit suicide. Does that count?

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

    No. I blaspheme the Gods all by myself.

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

    No. There’s nothig he could give me that I couldn’t take myself.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

    No. I’m not paranoid, they’re really conspiring against me.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

    Not more than warrior training requires.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

    Probably. Rumor says my real father was the Emperor, who bestowed my pregnant mother on my foster father and told him to raise me as a warrior.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

    Yes, the Retired Emperor simply doesn’t like me despite all I did for him.

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

    I once humiliated a former concubine by ordering her to dance for her successor. But I didn’t make that a habit.

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

    Yes, my favorite concubine became a nun just to get away from me.

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

    No. I’m richer than the Emperor himself.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

    No. I can make pilgrimages to the family shrine whenever I want to. The Bible hasn’t been imported yet, though.

  9. SageDave says

    “Incested is not a word. But clearly this is a demonology session rather than remedial english.”

    Incested is a word, however has not definition and is not recognized as “standard” English. We have created many verbs from nouns that sound funny or have not made it to the OED.

    English is always capitalized when referring to the language, national people or the horn.

    Now to answer the questions:

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?
    Oh yes, of course otherwise I would be guilty of first degree… I can’t really say for fear of arrest.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?
    Do Judaism and Buddhism count?

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?
    Oh yes, and she was wonderful. Soft, easy on the eyes, but I was only 23 and never with a women before… Wait, that does not count, does it?

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?
    Normal? What exactly is normal?

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?
    I don’t need booze or pharmaceuticals, I can escape simply by entering a sweat lodge – or is it sweet lodge? No that’s a sugar high.

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?
    Values? We don’t need no stinckin’ values.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?
    Yuppers. Along with my other three personalities.

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?
    Nope. By Larry does. I am told that Larry is my depressed personality. Alex is a homicidal maniac and will plan the murders.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?
    Nah. Barry tells me it is wrong to hurt myself, but then Alex tells him he is wrong. Damned these voices in my head.

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?
    Dah!

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?
    Let’s see – nope, We don’t think so.

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?
    All three all the time. Is there something wrong with that?

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?
    Satan and I relate as equals. I sometimes take his client overload.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?
    Mostly a phobia of people asking these types of questions.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?
    I have no parents. I was a true test-tube baby. My mother is listed as Pyrex and dad was Corning.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?
    See above.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?
    Alex is very good at rejecting Larry and me. He yells a lot and I find it hard to work.

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?
    Define “fail.”

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?
    Celia, the only woman in my private troop. Smart, attractive and does not like short atheists because we are short. You should hear what Alex and Barry say about her…

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?
    Not me. Celia has this monthly thing going on. Barry walks with a lime, has an eye patch and says “ahrggg” a lot.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?
    I pray to the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Odin.

  10. kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith says

    INTERNET GAME TIME! 21 questions! Answer them like a famous character and the rest of us will try guessing who it is!

    Ok, I’ll try one:

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

    Of course not. I keep all the anger inside. It motivates me to work on my evil plans.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    Well, yes. Rather disappointing stuff, I must say.

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    What kind of question is that ? Get away from me, you pervert. I’ll have you killed.

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

    What ? No. This is my normal personality. Got something against it ?

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

    Well… Yes, I did abuse steroids once. Does that count ?

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    Immoral and illegal acts are consistent with my customary values. The more evil the better.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

    Does making murders look like suicides count ?

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

    Oh no. You might ask one of my sibblings about that.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

    Of course not. I’m way too busy abusing others. Especially when they stupidly refuse to do my bidding.

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

    Yes ! Especially from this so-called “mother” of mine…

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

    Indubitably. Where do you think this evil genius came from ?

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

    No. No, no, no, no. The only voice in there is mine, buddy. Only I decide when to indulge in illegal or immoral acts.

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

    Nonsense. I can achieve whatever I need by myself, I don’t need this… Satan. Is he important ? I’ll have him killed.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

    No. I inflict fear and paranoia in others. Then I kill them.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

    See question no 10.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

    This again ? Are you trying to get killed ? See question no 10. And don’t you bother me with this anymore. Or there will be… consequences.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

    You are getting repetitive and boring.

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

    It is others who fail me. This is usually fatal.

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

    Yes. But she will die. Oh, yes.

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

    No, I’m in perfectly good health. I don’t handle money.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

    What the deuce are those things ?

  11. says

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

    Not so much anymore, now that the JWs and Mormons have learned not to come to my door.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    I do enjoy a good virgin sacrifice now and again, but who doesn’t?

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    Yes, every time I have to go through airport security.

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

    That’s difficult to tell, seeing as everyone thinks I’m pretty abnormal to begin with.

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

    See the answer to 3.

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    Contrary to my customary values? Nope.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

    My ex was a fanatical opera queen. What do you think?

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

    Only seasonally, when the Republicans start campaigning for office.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

    I prefer to indulge in… actually, I’ll the Fifth on that one.

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

    See answers to 3 and 7.

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

    I’m Welsh, Scandanavian, English and Prussian. So yeah, I think I’ve got all that covered.

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

    Not since I stopped going to church.

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

    I tried, but ended up selling my soul to Santa. Damned dyslexia.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

    See answer to 8.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

    I got spanked a few times, and told that I was doing badly when I brought home poor grades.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

    They kicked me out when I was 19, after telling me that I’d have to start paying rent.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

    See answers to 3, 7, 8 and 16.

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

    Nope, but all of my significant relationships have been with other men. I suspect you would call that repeated failure.

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

    Nope.

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

    I’m a working class American. So yeah, I’ll give you that one.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

    I don’t pray, I don’t worship, I don’t go to Church, and the only time I read the Bible anymore is to demonstrate to Talibangelicals how ignorant they are of what their Holy Writ actually says.

  12. Sammy says

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

    Usually only when Lucifer won’t shut the fuck up. I know he’s not real, but seriously…..he can stop singing Stairway to Heaven anytime.

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    Experimented? No. Wielded with unrelenting force against the enemies of myself and my peers? Yes.

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    I don’t believe so. There was that year and a half in the cage with Lucifer and Michael I don’t remember much of, though.

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

    Only when demons feed me blood to strengthen my psychic powers. There was also that year and a half without a soul. I did some messed up things then.

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

    Actually, no. I should really think about it, though. Might help me loosen up.

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    Customary values are relative.

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

    Try having Lucifer screaming at you through a megaphone for days. Then try to tell me you didn’t think about it.

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

    Only when it turns out that the end of the world really wasn’t prevented just postponed….AGAIN.

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

    No. Most of the time I seem to be fairly level-headed when it comes to that.

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

    Which one? It started when I was six months old, and really hasn’t stopped yet.

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

    Well, does monster murder count?

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

    As I said before, Lucifer talks to me all the time, at length, whether I ignore him or not. Sometimes he helps, but most of the time it’s just annoying.

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

    I asked him to use me as a vessel so I could capture him in a cage for all eternity. I figured that would take my life, too, but alas, I am (mostly) fine.

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

    I only fear the things I see, but know are not there. I don’t live with fear because I know what’s out there, and I know how to kill it. Although, clowns can all go to hell. Creepy sons of bitches.

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

    Well, not my mother. She died far too early for that. My father, however, wasn’t really present to do too much harm. Except for the whole “You let me down, get out and never come back” thing.

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

    It wasn’t mom’s fault she got killed by Azazel. Dad just wanted some revenge. So…..yeah. I guess so.

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

    I already answered this question. When the world is consistently on the brink of destruction and I am one of two people who can stop it, yes. Depression. Hopelessness.
    However, no rejection from the ladies….

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

    I don’t have significant relationships. The last one ended up getting killed by a demon with yellow eyes. I guess there was Ruby, but it ended up that she just wanted to use me to jumpstart the apocalypse. I suppose that is failure…

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

    Can a significant other be a non-romantic relationship? If so, see my partner in crime. He’s the one in the Impala.

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

    Finances are never a problem with enough aliases. I do tend to die a lot. Lucky for me, either an angel, demon, or god wants me alive, so I get to come back most of the time.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

    I’m on the road constantly. And I don’t worship. That’s just stupid. If I need something, I’ll call Cas or Bobby. They at least come through most of the time.

  13. says

    1) Do you sometimes exhibit uncontrollable outbursts of anger or violence?

    No, See Also #2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    2) Have you experimented with two or more forms of the occult?

    See #1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 , 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    3) Have you been sexually violated (raped, incested, molested)?

    See #1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    4) Do you sometimes manifest behavior not consistent with your normal personality?

    See # 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    5) Do you abuse alcohol or drugs to escape painful past experiences in life?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    6) Do you commit immoral or illegal acts, contrary to your customary values?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    7) Have you ever attempted or contemplated suicide?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    8) Are you sometimes overwhelmed with feelings of severe depression and hopelessness?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    9) Do you indulge in self-abusive behavior such as anorexia, bulimia, cutting or self-mutilation?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    10) Have you experienced life-changing trauma from which you haven’t recovered?

    See # 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    11) Do you know of ancestors who committed murder, suicide, or sexual perversion?

    Different answer: I liked what someone posted above: I am…..an American mutt with: Italian, German, French, Scottish, and Irish ancestry…..so…..Most definitely I must, though I don’t KNOW of them.

    12) Do voices tell you to commit illegal acts, blaspheme God, or indulge in immoral acts?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17

    13) Have you asked Satan to take your life in exchange for something?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17

    14) Do you live a fear-based life resulting in paranoia or multiple phobias?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 15, 16, 17 (I have one major phobia: Heights. So the answer is still: NO!)

    15) Have you experienced emotional or physical abuse from your biological parents?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 , 12, 13, 14, 16, 17

    16) Have you been emotionally or physically abandoned by either biological parent?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 17

    17) Have you felt repeated, disabling episodes of rejection or depression?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

    18) Have you failed repeatedly in significant relationships?

    It’s now 2014….who hasn’t? And if you say you haven’t, you are either; A: Lying. Or B: An asexual. Which is nothing wrong with that. So: Yes! I have failed repeatedly in significant relationships. Never been married yet though. See also: #19, 20

    19) Have you failed to experience trust and lasting love from a significant other?

    See #18, 20

    20) Do you consistently experience serious health or financial issues?

    See # 18, 19 (I like another answer someone else gave above: I am a middle-class American worker. Why is it caused by SATAN when I experience health or financial issues? Last time I checked, my paycheck says [name of employer here.] Not “Satan.”

    Also, EVERYONE experiences “health issues,” even when perfectly healthy. That’s like saying: “There is some weather outside right now.” Dumbass.

    21) Are you significantly hindered in prayer, worship, Bible reading and church attendance?

    See #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17.

    If I don’t pray, worship, attend Bible meeting or church, how can I POSSIBLY be hindered by those? It would be like saying: Are you significantly hindered from going to the park? If I choose to never go to the park. Why “being significantly hindered” even be an issue?

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