Death of a God »« Doctor Doctor!

Women are from Venus…


Today’s double posting courtesy of the fuel strike and day off comes at the hands of CARM and their normal stuff is the usual bible themed creationism and right wing nuttery. But this time they came up with something phenomenal.

Men’s Rights level Christian misogyny at it’s finest! It’s Girl Logic. What is Girl Logic you may ask? Well…

“Girl logic” is the label given to describe that series of semi-consecutive feminine thoughts that favored “cute things,” “soft things,” and cuddly little kittens and puppies. It causes girls to act in such strange displays of behavior that the average man is stupefied in useless attempts to comprehend. The smart man quickly abandons such ventures as he soon realizes severe head pain and vertigo follow.

Men look at puppies and think “bleh” Because men cannot think cute stuff is good. Down path lies the dreaded tag of wuss and brony. Men look at pictures of beef and cars. Not silly puppies and kitties. Why the author is so macho that the mere thought of kittens and puppies cause him to suffer from physiological symptoms. Cute is kryptonite to real men.

Each and every man has encountered this highly illusive mental game of matching wits with a woman, most often to his confusion and demise. The average male thinks too clearly, too linearly, and, therefore, can’t figure women out at all. The strange marvel is that girl logic makes sense to all women.

Wait are all the women in this man’s world 12? Because that has extremely disturbing connotations. And this is what he thinks “matching wits” mean. This is less a epic lightsaber duel of wit that spans the breadth and height of human language and humour and more like two babies gurgling at each other. If this has confused you then be prepared to be very confused about a lot of things.

There is, most probably, a genetic something that unites all females this way. I have seen groups of them act in behavioristic unison — as if driven by some common cosmic feminine force — when they encounter a jewelry department, a sale on clothes, or choosing the color of their shoes. This is all fine and dandy as long as men are excluded. But we aren’t!

The Y Chromosome makes you a hive minded creature who longs for the consumption of cute things, shiny objects and the posession of many many torso covers.

Every man knows the unmerited agony of being dragged into a clothes store only to have his aesthetic senses crushed into ridiculed oblivion when he says that blue blouse goes well with that green sweater. I’ve seen girls almost lose their lunch and stare in pathetic disbelief at some poor shlup who got cornered in the women’s department and made the inexcusable blunder of commenting on how yellow and pink polka-dots go together.
But a multitude of nodding male heads agreeing about the unnecessary suffering imposed upon them in ladies department stores, malls, and markets still does not negate our need to understand some of the less sophisticated nuances of girl logic. Some of these nuances are why they like flowers and cards instead of a socket-set and pliers, why they like expensive dinners instead of pizza and coke, and why their logic finally fails them when it comes to picking a date or possible marriage partner who is obnoxious and somehow interesting.

All men are colourblind. And we are similar to T-Rex (the Dinosaur, not the Band) in that we are really good at seeing movement. Match colours in our outfits? Only homosexuals can do that. Us straight men are lucky to wear pants!

I don’t think men really like socket wrenches and pliers. I mean, if you already own a set what are you going to do with more? It’s not like you can dual weild wrenches. Men also purchase food by the calorie, and hence a pizza with a bottle of coke is the ideal meal. It must be true! We read it on CARM.

But you might ask, “How can you write about that which you can’t understand?” The very fact that you are asking this proves you are using “guy logic.” If you were thinking (or trying to think) in girl logic, the question would never have arisen. And since this is a chapter on girl logic, I won’t answer it because I simply don’t feel like it — so there.But, it is possible (upon rare moments of dynamic insight) to be able to catch a glimpse of how girl logic operates in the realm of the real world. And, although we may not be able to understand the complexities of this intricate, convoluted system, we can, with great clarity, observe its operations and effects in life. Of course, were you a woman, this activity would be completely superfluous. But, of course, we are men, and in our attempt to woo and win women, we need to know this system, or at the very least (which is, for men, the highest level of attainment) understand how to use it.

There is a subtle sense of irony in play here if you realise it’s a creationist website.

Lesson 1 in Girl Logic: Girls think with their hearts and not their
heads.

Have you ever seen a girl around a pet store? She goes straight to the puppies and kittens. She holds them, pets them, wants them, and loves them all within 30 seconds. Now a guy would look at the underdeveloped animal species and think something like, “Hmmm. That is an infant form of white cat.” Or maybe he would think, “All right, that is a brown salivating puppy. It is young, urinating, maybe six weeks old. I wonder if it could fetch.” Guys think practically; girls think emotionally. Guys say “Hmmm, I see an infant animal form.” Girls say, “Oh look at him. Isn’t he cute. Don’t you just want to cuddle him all up. Hi, puppy, wuppy. I wuv you.”

And this is why men aren’t allowed into pet stores.

And why I secretly may be a woman.

Now such diametrically opposed displays of reacting to puppyness and kittenness can be used to your advantage. When you are in a pet store with your date, or girl friend, and she heads straight to the infant-animal-forms-area, you have the opportunity to act in a non-logical, girl -logic manner. What you could do is pick up a random infant cat, if that is possible, or point to it behind the glass and say, “That kitten is cute.” The girl you are with will think that you have a deep and compassionate heart, that you are a well rounded kind of guy, and that you would be great around children. Don’t ask me how children got into the picture, but girls think about them a lot, especially around cute infant animal forms. When you say something positive about baby animals, girls like it. It is the way they are made. They can’t help it.

So that’s your dating strategy? Say something positive about baby animals? You stud you…

Next after spying another animal form of potential infant cuteness, maybe a puppy, or rabbit, or hamster, say the same sentence again, only this time substitute the different animal type in the subject part of your previously offered sentence. Say, “That rabbit is cute.” Or, “That puppy is cute.” You don’t have to get mushy and you don’t have to ramble on about animal cuteness. Just pick out two animal forms, apply an “It is cute” sentence to it and the girl you are with will be impressed to no end. It works every time.
There is a warning here, though. Do not apply this to rodents, reptiles, or insects. Don’t say, “That baby Bolivian slug rat” is cute. The girl you are with will simply stare at you in nauseated disgust and decide right there to never go out with you again. Why? because she’s thinking about what your children will look like.

Hamsters are rodents and are cute. But apart from that this advice seems to boil down to “Author Will Take You on Date To Pet-Store. May Saddle You With Thoughtless Pet. Is Cheap.”

Lesson 2 in Girl Logic. Girls draw conclusions to a set of circumstances or events in such a manner as to completely bewilder men.

Man is confused! Man hurt himself in confusion!

For example, you’re at your girl’s house or apartment. She has just gotten ready. She looks good. You both are going to the zoo. You say, “You better wear some of your not-so-good clothes because we’re going to be doing a lot of walking.” Of course, your girlfriend or date hears these words all right, but something bizarre happens in her hearing processing unit. There is a little vocabulary filtering device imbedded in this unit called…

Why are all his dates involving animals? Is that his actual plan? BEHOLD THE CAGED BEAST FEMALE! NOW ENGAGE YOUR MANDIBLES AND PRESS YOUR MOUTH HOLE AGAINST MINE!

The Bewilder Filter
This is how it works. When you say a perfectly harmless sentence that contains even the slightest implication of her possessing clothes somewhat below the level of Vogue, what she hears is, “You have ugly clothes. Wear them out in public. All the walking can wear you out because you are only a girl.” Now, you don’t mean anything like that at all. But, as sure as frogs poop in a swamp, because of this Bewilder Filter, you are now in deep trouble.

Here’s the problem. You think a zoo is an excellent date. And you can tell a woman to wear something appropriate by saying “Wear something comfortable, we will be walking a bit” so that she doesn’t show up to a date in date clothes (AKA something nice and possibly high heeled.). You are in deep trouble because you lack any sense of tact.

She puts her hands on her hips and snaps at you,
“You don’t like what I am wearing?” You instantly realize that the Bewilder Filter has kicked in. You think frantically for a clever sentence that will get you out of this predicament. “No, I mean yes. It’s fine. Whatever you want to wear is fine. You look good.”

Because you should only date women who are stereotypes from the 80s.

She examines you slightly. Her bewilder filter is now working in over-drive. “Are you saying you don’t like what I wear? Because if you don’t then you don’t have to be seen with me in public. I can always find someone who will appreciate me for what I am.”
Now, what exactly happened?! I mean, what were you doing?! Nothing! Heck, you were just trying to think about her comfort and look at the consequences. Now she thinks you are an insensitive rogue, and she’s threatening the old dumpster routine with you being the garbage. Of course, your facial expression looks like you’ve been trying to figure out quantum physics and ancient Hieroglyphics all at the same time. She then picks up on your obvious state of confusion, hurt, and dismay and quickly turns the whole charade around. “Oh,” she says compassionately, “were you just trying to think about my welfare?”

 Who does this? Does the author live in the world of 70s sitcoms?

You cautiously mutter a confused and careful, ” . . . Yes.”
You’re so sweet,” she says to her night in shining armor, “I do have another pair of sneakers I could wear. Perhaps you are right. I’ll go put them on.”
Again you are left drifting in a universe of c
onfusion wondering what the heck happened. Were you sensitive or insensitive? Were you right or wrong? There is no way to be sure. (Sometimes I think that girls do this on purpose just to keep us confused. The only problem is I can’t quite figure out if it’s working or not.)

Yes. Women have a sinister urge to keep you confused. Which is why I purple badger banana.

The obvious conclusion is simple. When Girl Logic combines with the Bewilder Filter, watch out. You don’t know what the outcome will be. So the only course of action is to be a gentleman and pray for the best. The Bewilder Filter could work to your advantage or disadvantage. Who knows? So, get ready for a ride.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and there is no Babelfish. Goodluck you unlucky wankers and godspeed you fancy bastards! I can see why CARM don’t like the gays, they are jealous that they don’t have to deal with this sort of madness!

Seriously? I cannot believe someone wrote this without breaking down in laughter.

Comments

  1. StevoR says

    Paradoxically enough conditions on both Mars and Venus are mostly pretty much instantly fatal to humans of either gender.

    The Cytherean atmosphere of high pressure carbon dioxide at searing hotter than oven temperatures – and sulphuric acid clouds whose rain evapourates before it hits the ground -means that on Venus one will be, as Patrick Moore (think twas) noted simultanously crushed, incinerated, corroded and boiled.

    The Arean atmosphere of very low pressure dry and super chill carbon dioxide means that on Mars one will have their blood boil and their breath freeze and while you’d last longer than on Venus you’d still be dead in most likely a matter of seconds. depending on exactly where and when you were.
    (Pressure and lack of breathability are the same everywhere on Mars, temperatures vary but scant consolation.)

    Upshot : If men or women are anywhere except Earth they’d better be wearing some pretty good spacesuits and no gender has evolved to cope with conditions elsewhere inthesolar system bar our globe.

  2. StevoR says

    Tpyo fix -Probably figured already but “.. elsewhere in the solar system ..

    Plus Avicenna, this and your header slogan reminds me of this classic :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSifCF8k27A

    (and I’d like to see if I can post links here too.)

    “The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one he said!”
    - Line from Jeff Wayne’s Musical version of ‘War of the Worlds’, performed 1978.

    Actually, we now know the odds against are many orders of magnitude higher – try a couple of billion even a trillion more like!

    Unless, that is those Martians are derived from us in the distant future when that planet has been terraformed and colonised.. ;-)

    *****

    “Nor was it generally understood that since Mars is older than our Earth, … it necessarily follows that it is not only more distant from life’s beginning but nearer its end.
    - Page 4, ‘The War of the World’s’ HG Wells, 1898, Aerie books 1987 for my edition.

    Actually, Mars & Earth are the same age – Wells was using an old idea of Kant’s Nebular hypotheis for explaining our solar systems evolution.

  3. Corvus illustris says

    All men are colourblind. And we are similar to T-Rex (the Dinosaur, not the Band) in that we are really good at seeing movement. Match colours in our outfits? Only homosexuals can do that. Us straight men are lucky to wear pants!

    Yes, I recognize snark, and the set-off italicized text is ludicrous, but there is a legitimate question here that’s in your Fach. Is there no evidence of enhanced colour discrimination among women? Tetrachromacy in some women is conjectured though not clearly demonstrated. Mrs Corva demonstrably has better colour perception than I have, although ophthalmology says I am not colourblind. (This failing may just be due to my lack of attention.)

  4. smrnda says

    And yes, men at strip clubs, sporting events and frat parties are such examples of male rationality :-)

  5. Kimpatsu says

    Men’s Rights level Christian misogyny at it’s finest!
    Is apostrophe misuse a medical condition?

  6. bradleybetts says

    “What you could do is pick up a random infant cat, if that is possible, or point to it behind the glass and say, “That kitten is cute.” The girl you are with will think that you have a deep and compassionate heart, that you are a well rounded kind of guy, and that you would be great around children.”

    Really? They get all that from “That kitten is cute”? Damn, but this guy’s an idiot. It’s undeniable that men and women tend to think differently. The different sexes have evolved to fulfill different roles, the same as the vast majority of animal species, and it seems obvious that this will lead to some divergence of thought pattern, in exactly the same way as it has led to differences in our physical form. Women are going to be better at some tasks than men, and men are going to be better at some tasks than women. But this is a general rule of thumb, it does not mean that women are incapable of doing “manly” tasks, or that men are incapable of doing “womanly” tasks, or that the two sexes will forever be an enigma to each other. That’s the sort of lazy, generalist thinking that holds the human race back as a whole.

    Also, the sweater thing? Not knowing that green and blue don’t go together does not make you manly, it makes you fashion impaired. There’s even a fucking rhyme about it! “Blue and green should not be seen without a colour in between”. I suppose he also thinks that being able to tell the difference between a lily and a tulip makes you gay? Moron.

  7. says

    I suppose I am a closet-girl and never knew it. (Ironically, my brother just VERY recently came out aboutbeing transgender. He thinks of himself as a woman, and always has. Something I never knew about him until a few weeks ago.) I suppose it must run in the family, because I find little kittens and puppies irresistibly adorable.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>