There is no SINGLE way to run a proper marriage. Marriages have been built on everything from necessity, honour, politics, religion,and business to love. In fact, marrying for love rather than every other reason has been the norm only as of recently. Sure we may romanticise marrying for love, but historically people got married because it was the social thing to do and mostly a put upon affair where women were often treated like brood cows and property. In fact, these here are a terrible list of reasons as to why you aren’t married.
I speak as someone who is heterosexual, extremely single, and made the decision not to pursue a relationship with a woman I still love to this day in order to go back into education to be a doctor. And yes, there are some pretty hefty regrets with the decision I have made; at times I worry that picking a career over a relationship may have been a stupid decision.
So let’s see what’s wrong with Tracy McMillan’s article from the viewpoint of a heterosexual male who is part of the crotch thrusting, penis waggling, monocratic patriarchy.
|The Patriarchy is like this only we get paid more than you.|
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother’s wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride — she was so effing happy — and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you’re not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering… Deep, deep breath… Why you’re not married.
We all want the same things in life. Yes, at some point even I will want to get married to someone who I hope will spend the rest of her life with me. But I don’t think that the ceremony of the marriage is anything but an open declaration of love rather than some magic ceremony that grants satisfaction. The author thinks you need to be married to find happiness, and if you have not done it by the age of 36, your hand will glow red and it will be time for Carrousel.
Or the Menopause.
Well, I know why. How? It basically comes down to this: I’ve been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
If only Husband No. 3 is a douchebag, then what does that imply for Husband No. 1 and 2? And listen, if you are comparing the men you date to your daddy, then you have issues and should not be giving relationship advice. Also, the way she describes the men who married her is rather disturbing. I mean at least 1 and 3 are described by their own achievements. No. 2 is being described by the achievements of his dad!
And from this we can learn that Tracy McMillan is not only a serial bride, but also divorced 3 times. Here is the thing, the entire point of a marriage is not to try to have a number more than 0, but less than 2. Tracy McMillan comes off as someone who gets married really quickly, then ends up in a relationship that is ill thought out and ends in divorce.
But I won’t lie. The problem is not men, it’s you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they’re not really standing in your way. Because the fact is — if whatever you’re doing right now was going to get you married, you’d already have a ring on. So without further ado, let’s look at the top six reasons why you’re not married.
Actually there are some fucking terrible men out there. Lame is, “not having a job”. Terrible is, “fucks around, lies, beats you, and steals your stuff to pay for his bathsalt habit”. There are a lot of terrible men out there who do get married. Nearly every person has a story about someone they dated who was just an awful person, and YOU could end up married to that person.
|Pictured… A Terrible Man|
The person you marry is more important than the marriage itself.
1. You’re a Bitch.
Here’s what I mean by bitch. I mean you’re angry. You probably don’t think you’re angry. You think you’re super smart, or if you’ve been to a lot of therapy, that you’re setting boundaries. But the truth is you’re pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s scaring men off. The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here’s what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t think so. You’ve seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man’s fear and insecurity in order to get married — but actually, it’s perfect, since working around a man’s fear and insecurity is big part of what you’ll be doing as a wife.
Marriage is not the Force. Anger doesn’t make marriages fail. Also, these things aren’t “anger”; these things are passions. People are passionate about a lot of things, and quite rightly so. Claiming that women aren’t attractive because they have things that they care about is moronic and patronising.
Female anger does not terrify men. We aren’t stupid. Some of us are pretty smart. We aren’t made out of crystal. If you don’t placate us, we won’t throw a t
antrum. What Tracy is describing is a Cosmo relationship: The idea that all men are incompetent children who will roll around the floor bawling if you question their idiocy in any way.
And no, we don’t all want a Kim Kardashian. This point is effectively suggesting that women should shut up, smile, and wiggle their bums at men because all men function like Pavlov’s dog. Yes, some men want a Kim Kardashian, and if you want to date those men then by all means be that woman. However, some of us really want someone who can actually do something other than smile, wiggle, and make sex tapes that they release to become famous.
2. You’re Shallow.When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
Tracy starts off strong, then falls off the tightrope of good advice. Character should be at the top of the list, which I assume includes things like intelligence and humour. Physical attraction is also vital. Yes, some people can run a relationship solely on mental attraction, but I am not one of them and neither are most people. We tend to marry someone who we fancy.
The argument is stupid. If you aren’t married RIGHT NOW then clearly you haven’t found a man of character as those men would want to marry you. It doesn’t matter what they are doing; they will drop all of that and follow you around like a dog because men are stupid.
Sure you shouldn’t be shallow, but you shouldn’t fuck whatever strange comes your way either. Just because an offer is there doesn’t mean the person asking is a man of “Character”. It makes him a man who has asked you to get married. Complete arseholes can ask you to get married too.
We all have some preferences. I like redheads. I think “the gingers” look cute. I assume it’s the same way that women want someone who is tall. Yes, it hurts to be rejected due to an arbitrary aesthetic choice. I started balding at aged 21. I have lost a lot of hair and have been rejected on more than one occasion due to that, but that’s their choice. They are allowed to want someone who has similar interests or fits a specific look. I am clearly not a man of character because I would not want to marry “any woman”, but have my own tastes of who I would and wouldn’t date. And yes, it may be sad to say that I, like most people, am influenced by something as petty as appearance.
3. You’re a Slut.Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore — but they’re not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you’re having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin — it doesn’t stay recreational for long. That’s due in part to this thing called oxytocin — a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm — that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It’s why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn’t even all that great and the next thing you know, you’re totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it happened. And since nature can’t discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you’re going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
And all that testosterone coursing through my veins means I will fight all men for dominance over the breeding women…
Oh wait, that’s moronic. Oxytocin causes pleasure but attraction is due to a variety of things. Charlie Sheen is attractive because he is a rich party boy and hangs out with women who LIKE that sort of thing. Also, cocaine is a hell of a drug and makes you do idiotic things… Like Sleep With Charlie Sheen.
Hormones do not work this way. Casual sex doesn’t make you marry arseholes: falling for arseholes and their lies does. Every Charlie Sheen appears to be a nice, normal man until you realise that he isn’t. And yes, there is a problem with marriage in that most people do not want to marry people who are “sluts” (of either gender) because there is the idea that people who are promiscuous are more likely to cheat.
People who are cheaters are more likely to cheat. There are plenty of “monogamous sluts” out there who are loyal to their spouses despite having multiple partners prior. People who are more honest and expressive about sex tend to have better relationships. If you and your spouse lie about your sex lives then there is a good chance you won’t be satisfied.
4. You’re a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he’s not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he’s married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, “I’m not really available for a relationship right now.” You know if you tell him the truth — that you’re ready for marriage — he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don’t want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don’t want to get in a relationship at all! You swear! About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don’t tell him that. That’s your secret — just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can’t live without you. I have news: he will never “figure” this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to him in the first place.
Oxytocin is not a love potion. And what’s wrong with a skateboard? Seriously, Tracy comes off as a horrible gold digger. I cannot read anything she writes without the words “prenuptial agreement” flashing in front of my eyes as a defence mechanism.
Okay, I can see what the problem is:. There is an idea amongst a lot of women that they can change men. It’s that they think they can improve the base model, like buying a crappy house with a lot of potential. Sure there are some men who go from loser to bruiser (do you have any idea how hard it is to rhyme?) with the right impetus. Women aren’t that stupid. Yes, some women fall in love with their “casual sex partners” but guess what? Some men fall in love too. The point of casual sex is also honesty between the people involved. However, most people won’t change radically.
5. You’re Selfish.If you’re not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You th
ink about your career, or if you don’t have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy — or at least a guy with a really, really good job — would solve all your problems. Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It’s not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say — if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
This is terrible advice.
This is basically telling women that they should be selfless helpmeets who indulge in their man’s desires. They are a supporting act to enable men to reach the lofty goals of whatever. I don’t want that and I am damn sure there are other men like me out there who would prefer a woman who actually has stuff that they want to do.
And for the love of god do not do what celebrities do. Most are idiots who have gained fame solely through either doing something that is overvalued or worse, are famous because they simply are. If you either adopt or have a baby with the idea that it will somehow get you married, then you are having a baby for the wrong reasons. Celebrity women get married because there is a small pool of celebrities and they really cannot date “us normals”. We don’t hang out in the same circles, do the same things, or have the same social calendar. The choices in their available dating pool are rather small if you are a celebrity. Also celebrity mothers are blessed with something we morlocks don’t have: money, attention, and time. It makes the whole dynamic a lot more different
This is the worst reason to ever adopt or have a child. Again, this is the assumption that a man will marry you no matter what. If a man doesn’t want to go out with a single mother, there are reasons for that. I wouldn’t, mainly because at this point in time I have enough to worry about without a kid and have a career that will always come first. I would want a kid at some point, but not when I am 26. Yet in Tracy’s eyes, I am a horrible man who is doomed to a horrible life of loneliness because I wouldn’t want to take care of someone’s kids at my age.
6. You’re Not Good Enough.Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I can tell because you’re not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job. Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don’t know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won’t love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this. I see this at my son’s artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you’re trying to be. They’re attractive, sure. They’re just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Yes, self respect is important but this is an argument based on wanting someone. Sure, you aren’t going to find happiness if your dream man is some famous celebrity, or someone who has the body of a chippendale, the brain of Stephen Hawkings, and the wit of Stephen Fry. Most people have realistic expectations in their mates. This is the last of the points in her first article and it is faulty as hell because what she thinks smart men do is not true. Smart men are capable of making the same mistakes as “smart women” and dating women who are bad for them. No, what Tracy regards as “Smart” is retrospective. Women who are still around after all these years are a great choice. Women who suddenly run away with the pool boy are clearly not irrespective of how good a choice they were. Hindsight is 20/20. If we knew how some of our worst dates would end we wouldn’t have gone on them.
As I said, there are some people who you ARE better than and who you shouldn’t marry. I know it’s harsh to think that, but put it this way: there is a man/woman who you go out with, but you don’t speak about anything in particular, you don’t have anything in common, and you aren’t physically attracted to them. Do you think you should marry this person? You aren’t good enough for them and they aren’t good enough for you. Keep calm and carry on, don’t marry this mythical person or you will end up miserable.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
This is some sort of malicious rumour being spread about men. We don’t think like childish frat boys or stereotypes. In fact, the ultimate joke is that from 1970 to 2002, the number of men wanting to get married has INCREASED. That’s right, feminism has made men more likely to want to get married because men aren’t obsessed with sticking penises into holes. We have other drives too, and like women, for things other than their various orifices.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway — because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self — you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: Love.
So basically Tracy thinks that all marriages are sitcoms where men follow this stereotype of being incompetent bread winners with hearts of gold and brains of blanc mange which requires women to run their households; otherwise we would set it on fire. If I met Tracy she would probably think I was either a figment of her imagination or one of those gays that she keeps hearing about. In fact, if Tracy met most sane men she would probably think the same.
There’s only one problem though. You’re still single. And you still don’t want to be. And ever since your sister/mom/co-worker/frenemy sent you that incredibly (pick one: dumb, mean, totally, completely FALSE) thing last year, it has crossed your mind (maaaybe once) that there might have been just the teensiest bit of truth to it. Maybe you are sort of bitchy. Maybe you don’t want to date short men. Maybe the casual sex you’ve been trying to have never does stay as casual as you wish it would.
Part II indicates that her list is preying on the notion that women SHOULD get married. If they don’t, then they are broken and incomplete. It’s Sex and the City nonsense because it places the fault of lack of marital opportunity solely on the woman.
7. You’re a Mess. You overdrink. You overeat. You overspend. You under-earn. Whatever it is, there’s (at least) one big thing in your
life — an attitude, a behavior, a vice — that you absolutely, for sure, under-no-circumstances want to let go of. And the bad news is, that is the ONE THING you absolutely, for-sure, under-no-circumstances WILL NOT be able to keep. At least not if you want to move forward. The sneaky part is that this thing holding you back feels like it is making your life more bearable! It’s also telling you that you’re fine! So how do you know if something is a problem? Easy. YOU’RE KEEPING IT A SECRET. If there’s something you can’t (or don’t want) to tell your mom, your best friend, or the guy you’re dating — you can be sure it’s getting in the way of having your best relationship.
Yes, people aren’t likely to want to marry people who have a lot of issues going on right now. That’s not a problem. Issues are meant to be fixed, but you know what? It’s not fair to get into a relationship with them hanging over your head and expect someone else to want to fix them for you.
8. You’re Crazy. Crazy is where you LOVE INTENSITY. You want life to bring the exclamation points!!!!!!! Normal people, and relationships? Big, noisy YAWN. You think of yourself more like Angelina Jolie when she was with Billy Bob. Crazy is where you use your cell phone like an automatic weapon. You meet, have sex, fight and break up — all by text message. Another sign you’ve got the crazies is if you are constantly telling long, involved stories in the break room about what happened this past weekend. You think your listeners are wowed and they are, but to them it’s like watching an episode of “Fear Factor.” Who doesn’t want to watch another person eat bugs? In fact, a sure-fire way to know you’re crazy is if more than one person has told you you’d be great on a reality show — and you agree with them.
This just makes you someone who likes drama, and therefore cannot hold down a relationship until it progresses into a marriage because relationships usually up and explode by that point. However, adding this to a list of reasons why you aren’t married is like implying only lunatics aren’t married.
Moreover, f you behave like the woman in this example then what you crave isn’t intensity What you crave is attention, so you engineer incidents to garner it. Intense relationships exist without the crazy.
9. You’re a Dude. It’s not that you love the Cardinals, have short hair, or or make more money than most guys. It’s that, when it comes to relationships, you want to hunt them down and kill them. You call guys, you text guys, you ask guys out. You have sex like it’s a temp job, hoping that if you rock a guy’s world, you’ll get hired full-time. And it’s not working for you, because right now, you are in a long-term, committed relationship with EXACTLY NONE of those dudes. Am I saying you should join a quilting circle? Wear ruffles all the time? Um, no. But you might want to see what it’s like to let the game come to you. Because there’s one requirement above all others a guy needs to possess to be your man: he has to REALLY WANT to be in a relationship with you. (Duh!) Fortunately, there’s a foolproof way to find out just how much of a crap a guy gives: he will 1) ask for your contact information, and 2) HE WILL USE IT RIGHT AWAY. (Do not try to tell yourself he waited two weeks to call text you because he probably had to visit his grandmother in Milwaukee! Guys bring their phones to Milwaukee.) Prequalifying a man like this will prevent the mortgage meltdown that is your love life. Because at the end of the day, you don’t need to know if a guy wants to donate his sperm to you. (The answer will probably be Oh, hell yes.) You want to know if he’s willing to send your egg to college. And if a guy doesn’t feel like taking you on a date, THE ANSWER IS NO.
I will tell you this as a guy: there is nothing as sexy as being asked out by a girl, because it rarely happens to most of us. Most of the time we are left guessing. Playing “hard to get” or “passive” is stupid, because you live under the assumption that all men who fancy you are going to ask you out rather than have their own little internal voice that says, “Don’t say anything! What if she laughs? What if everyone else laughs? What if she gets the wrong idea?! You will look like an idiot!”.
Additionally, if a guy hasn’t called in x amount of time, then maybe it’s because he has shit to do that doesn’t involve fellating your ego. I’m just putting that out there as someone who has other things to do in his life that don’t involve waiting on people hand and foot for a date.
10. You’re Godless. Remember how I said that marriage is a spiritual path? Well, we’re there. The point where I suggest something totally radical and punk-rock as a way of transforming whatever it is you have going on (or don’t have going on) in the area of relationships. And here it is: I want you to get a god. Wait, come back! It’s not necessarily what you think. What do I mean by god? Well, I don’t mean a bearded dude in the sky who is going to give you a Mercedes and a husband if you’re good and punish you if you’re bad. That would be Santa Claus. I mean I want you to cultivate a sense of SPIRIT in your life, a relationship with the intangible, the unseen — the power behind the oceans, gravity, chocolate and the Beatles. You know, the thing you experience in life where the hair stands up on your arms? The Big Something. You could just call it Love. Whatever you name it — it’s the game changer. Because when you mix the idea of spirit into your relationships, it no longer matters how many men are, techincally, out there. No more demographics, no more short guys and tall guys or chicks with cankles or ten extra pounds. There are no more lists of things you think you have to have in a mate. There are only two people on a spiritual assignment: TO LOVE EACH OTHER.
This is what irks me the most. Marriage is not spiritual. There is no difference between two people who were in a relationship yesterday then married today. None. There is no magic. All the benefits that are gained are solely designed by humans (AKA monetary)
Yes, a lot of people don’t want to marry atheists. That sucks. It’s a sucky life for us. We don’t believe in any gods. For a lot of people that is a big deal breaker. But there’s something that people like Tracy don’t understand: we know the power behind oceans, gravity, chocolate, and the Beatles which actually gives us more of an appreciation of them. We don’t need a relationship with imaginary beings to appreciate these things. I can show you more wonder in the deadliest poisons known to man than Tracy would ever conceive of because I know how they work and can use some of them to save lives. I know people who can see little streaks or blips and decipher how the universe works. That’s truly marvelous. It amazes me that in one breath Tracy claims that you should be yourself and in the next she claims that you should find religion, or at least some nebulous bullshit faith about spirits.
Honestly, IMHO as a straight, single, atheist man? Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to get married then think before you do so.
1. Do you want to get married, or do you want to spend your life with someone you love?
Marriage is merely a social contract of government approval of your relationship. The relationship you have today will not change if you sign a contract tomorrow. There is no divine insight or magic powers gained from getting married. If you think marriage will somehow FIX a relationship, then you are seriously deludi
ng yourself. A marriage is hard work, mainly because breaking up is hard and expensive. It lacks the flexibility of a live-in relationship because you have signed a binding and legal contract. The wedding, while nice, isn’t actually all that important in the legal scheme of things.
2. If you value a career or education, then marriage may not be for you (during that time period).
I speak as someone who traded a relationship for a career with someone who I still love to this very day. If I married her then I wouldn’t have had the chance to be a doctor. Sometimes you have to decide what you want and don’t judge others who have made the same decision. And no, picking your career isn’t the bad choice. Many men prefer to wait until they are financially secure to get married because getting married is bloody expensive. I speak as someone who is expected to have a lavish wedding and who will not be available to avoid it. I will probably end up having two separate weddings: a simple ceremony for myself and the bride (look western marriages are simple…) and another ceremony for the sake of my family, so I would want to be financially secure before agreeing to a ceremony that will wreck savings. I understand it’s a special day. However, considering that most people spend between 20,000 and 40,000 pounds on a wedding it seems like an awful lot of money, especially since Tracy described a wedding as a princess fantasy.
3. You haven’t found someone you want to marry yet.
It’s kind of essential really. Yes, some people have unrealistic expectations or stupid ideas on what they want. I have had women turn me down for dates because I am balding as if being bald was the equivalent of “eats children”. Hell, I have been turned down for the colour of my skin. Okay, maybe she had other reasons but the one I was given was my hair and skin. It sucks but that’s life; some people think keratin and melanin are vital. I know women who are holding out for men who pretty much would only exist in a comic book (They would wear blue and have a big giant S on the front). Yes, sometimes we need to realise that we aren’t going to marry the princess. But most people want pretty sensible things out of their husbands and wives and there is no shame in waiting for someone who matches a sensible description.
4. The most important one? You don’t want to or your spouse doesn’t want to
But remember, just because someone doesn’t want to get married now, doesn’t mean they don’t want to get married ever. Be honest and be patient. Not getting married at a certain age isn’t the end of the world. People go their entire lives without getting married and still have no regrets. What matters most is doing what you want to do!
These are great reasons why you aren’t married right now. Don’t listen to someone who thinks you should marry someone just because they asked you to and that you are broken because you aren’t married.
I Get Mail – Messages to Tracy from Readers
scribing a wedding as a princess fantasy tells me one thing: Your saying. “I want to have a marriage’ is directly translated as “I want to have a wedding”, and given that, you haven’t a pot to piss in to say anything of contributory value about anything beyond the end of the night at the reception when you’re cleaning the wedding cake stains out of your princess gown and your brother has to carry Uncle Bob off to bed after he passed out drunk at the cash bar.