|Let’s just say that God likes to play the Sims.|
I recently started reading the Pervocracy by Holly, in particular for her hilarious reviews of Cosmopolitan magazine, a magazine I have long regarded as hilarious for it’s terribad advice given to women. And it has inspired me to take my own whack at Christian Agony Aunt/Uncle.
Which lead me onto this lovely post about Marriage without Intimacy. It’s advice given from a christian perspective on marriage and it is just as vapid and misogynistic and misandric as Cosmopolitan could ever be. It’s filled with crass generalisations about individuals and indeed the idea that there exists a single marriage in everyone’s life. That marriage only occurs once in a person’s life and it’s always to “the one”, the only person in the 7 billion people on this planet who happens to be the exact match to us, possibly predetermined by God.
The intimate connection that results from sex is often the glue that holds a marriage together. As human beings, we are hard-wired to crave a special sense of intimacy with another human being. That is why people who are in a sexless relationship feel lonely, hard, depressed and emotionally unfulfilled.
The problem is that often only one spouse no longer wants to have sex while the other one still craves it. And rather than deal with these vital issues, oftentimes the one spouse that is without such intimacy attempts to fill the void by being extra active in other areas of their life, such as church ministry, sports, hobbies, etc.
And while these areas of activity “sound” good, it is not only wrong, but it is an almost impossible unsustainable task to “go without” intimacy simply by sheer fact that God made us this way. Intimacy comes from God. The devil perverts it outside of marriage, but intimacy and sex still comes from God’s design for our marriages.
|An entire life devoted purely to sex and being creepy.|
What about love? What about companionship? Honesty? Truth? Handcuffs? The american way? All that keeps your marriage together is sex? What about people who are asexual? Are they doomed to never have love simply because they do not enjoy the act of sex?
Are we really suggesting that marriage is about sex and sex alone? That intimacy cannot come without spraying DNA at each other? (Don’t be silly! This is a christian advice site! There aren’t any lesbian marriages!)
I mean the implication is that people have hobbies due to a lack of sex (Which may explain why my CV is so full) but can’t a man go fishing without it having to be about sex? Sometimes a cigar is a cigar and sometimes the urge to go watch 22 grown men fight over a ball is about the urge to go watch them fight over a ball. Your loves and interests outside sex are what make you an individual and quite frankly if your entire personality is geared towards fucking then your entire personality will just be vapid and uninteresting.
Or you are a male anglerfish…
In particular, for us as Christians, this poses an added danger – infidelity. When the spouse is forced to “fend for themselves” it poses the potential temptation in their path, and many times the spouse that is withholding has no idea that their actions of not being intimate is in fact a key factor in pushing their spouse into infidelity.It’s noted in many counseling sessions by many Christian counselors that when probing into situations of infidelity, many surprising twists and turns pop up that reveal that it’s not only the responsibility of the one that fell into adultery, but a surprising number finds that it is often the spouse that remained visibly faithful that oftentimes is the culprit of “pushing” their spouse into the cold, open field for the enemy to hunt down. Even many times not even realizing it!
|Google Image Search accepts no responsibility
for what you type into it.
If you accept that you are in a monogamous relationship, then “cheating” is not acceptable. Especially if your excuses is “I cheated because you didn’t have sex enough”. Did anyone ever think that the reason for infidelity was the lack of love in a relationship? A lack of respect? The personalities involved? Is it always because someone wasn’t putting out enough?
And really? The very idea that the people who you cheat on your other half with are some sort of Sex Shark who prowl around looking for people who are a bit sexually frustrated? And really? Are you suggesting that we humans are simply slaves to our genitalia? That at the slightest bit of horniness we would fuck anything with a pulse?
“I have heard every excuse imaginable – whether it’s not having enough time, being worn down by housework (not to mention that he (meaning the husband) doesn’t help with
the housework or the children), needing to unwind from a long workday herself, being unhappy with her body, being repulsed by his body, working through resentment against him for something he did this morning, last week, ten years ago…I have truly heard some doosies…But an excuse is an excuse is an excuse no matter how cleverly or eloquently phrased it is. And apart from 6-weeks postpartum recovery, other physical conditions that prevent a couple from being able to have sex, and/or damage resulting from abuse, truthfully, there just isn’t any excuse that holds up for a wife not “giving it up” regularly… Here’s the deal: Sexually active men need sex often…not once a month, not once a year, not only on holidays – but often. Websites, books, television shows overflow with information about the difference between the sexual needs of men and women. Some wives (and even a few husbands) are like sexual camels, able to go years without sexual intercourse. But most healthy husbands need sex just to function. I can’t imagine that there is an adult woman breathing who is not aware of this fact. But just in case there is, let me make it plain.”
I note this is dropping women in it. Having sex when you don’t want to have sex is a survival tactic and it’s very close to rape. What we are seeing here is the suggestion of marital rape.
|Let’s face it. You read the article just to see
a picture of a Sexual Camel
And these are all valid reasons why people don’t want to have sex. And reasons why honest conversation is vital to any marriage and indeed why a healthy sex education and frankness regarding sex is required. If you treat sex as a job then you will see people shirking on it because doing what you love out of duty and obligation really sucks the fun out of it. These aren’t excuses, these are valid points as to why you don’t want to have sex. The entire point of sex is not to placate men or to stop us from shagging other women. It isn’t payment for our affection and attention, it is part of it.
The excuse that holds up for a wife not wanting to have sex is the simple “She doesn’t want to have sex”. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with you then they don’t want to have sex with you. Tell them the truth if it bugs you, but if they are being coerced to have sex against their will then how is it gratifying? It’s just rape. It’s you forcing someone to do something they are not comfortable with.
Women like sex too. If we told our young ladies that sex isn’t something to be ashamed of and is something to be enjoyed particularly with good communication then they too would see sex as something positive. Men may enjoy sex, but women enjoy it as much as men do. Also the idea of a Sexual Camel is quite possibly the most disturbing mental image ever rather than something sane.
Men don’t need sex to function, I find that idea highly laughable and insulting that the idea that men physiologically require sex to exist is even used in a serious format. By the logic of this article, I should be a horrendous wreck of a man doomed to live a half existence until some lady has sex with me (in the context of a heterosexual monogamous marriage of course).
There are some obvious signs that alert you to the possibility of your marriage going the sexless way. The first of these is when the frequency of regular intimate contact begins to decrease dramatically. Of course, in most marriages, the initial fervor dies down after some time. Still, many couples work out a pattern that keeps them both satisfied. But if you find that even the smallest and simplest of gestures is unwelcome, then you may be in for trouble.
And this would not be a problem if people didn’t marry out of obligation and didn’t treat sex like it were a Fabergé egg. Communication is very romantic, knowing what your partner likes and what they don’t and making adjustments to your sex life to match that is vital. Your partner thinks sex should be as vanilla as possible while you prefer restraints and a whip, then you may have a problem. Did anyone consider the issue being that the lack of communication about sex and indeed the relationship as a whole may be the actual fault rather than someone being forced to do something they don’t like?
• Make it a point to think thoughts that are related to sex with your spouse throughout the day.
Me simply thinking about sex with someone isn’t going to make me want to have sex with someone. I can think about having sex with a man all day but it won’t make me want to have sex with men. Likewise if you don’t like your spouse then no matter how much you think of sex with that person you aren’t going to be enjoying it.
• When you were dating, you daydreamed about your future husband. The image of him, his voice, waiting for letters in the mail, phone calls, his kisses, his cologne, etc. it’s been said that men (Christian or not) have a sexual thought every 20-40 seconds. It is vital for the relationship to be healthy that the wife must develop the habit of thinking about sex for her husband.
|I use L’eau d’Issey,
Ladies and gay men, you may
start your fantasies.
Whoever said that is a fucking idiot. I am thinking about sex right now because we are discussing it. However when I am eating food, I am thinking about food rather than sex. Men are fully capable of spending minutes to hours not having thoughts about sex. If you start thinking of sex for your husband then you will stop enjoying sex and if you stop enjoying sex you will have less of it.
And by day dreams you mean sexy fantasies. If you are imagining a man’s cologne (I use L’eau de Issey by Issey Miyake. Ladies and gay men… start your fantasies!), his letters and phone calls then your sexual fantasy is either very tame or very very kinky. Whichever it is, good on you! Tell the man in your life these things, if men know what makes the woman in their life tick then men will do that. It’s vital to a relationship tha
t people communicate and know what the other likes and dislikes, that way you don’t have to think about “sex for your husband” and can start thinking about sex that’s for everyone involved.
|Oh baby I would like to collate your figures till they
make a nice round number…
o As stated by Sheeri Mitchell, “Instead of letting your mind wander to the bills, the kids, the bills, your aging parents, the bills, learn how to fantasize about your husband.” This falls under the scripture, “Taking every thought captive.”
Wow… If your mind is wandering during sex, then someone is doing it wrong. Or someone is not really in the mood for it. And why are you thinking about your parents? Or your kids? This is turning into the Aristocrats.
• Put it in your schedule or on the calendar.
|Oh it’s sexy alright but it makes it really hard to type.|
The only time you are allowed to even consider this is if one of you is dressed as a sexy secretary. The entire problem with Business Time is that both of you are going through the motions to have sex. That both of you are doing it to “save a marriage” or just because some guy on the internet told you to. In which case this can arguably be the only case where both people involved in having sex don’t want to have sex resulting in the weirdest definition of marital rape where both parties involved are the victims who have been coerced into having sex by a calendar.
• Make it part of your routine. This part is for your husband. Your part is when there is what’s called “gourmet” sex, when there is extra long, special romance and time taken.
Is special romance the same as foreplay? Because one finds that vital to sex in the first place. I don’t think many men are into sex purely for the penetration. It’s not too much to ask that sex be a give and take situation where both people’s desires are met.
And way to categorise men as nothing more than single minded sex fiends. We kind of like the bits before sex too.
And gourmet sex just sounds like food is involved or that your about to have sex with a chef.
• Pursue him more often.
Ah! How to combine sex with the Most Dangerous Game of all. By all means assert your own sexual needs, this is the only piece of advice that I can actually consider as halfway sensible in this entire article.
• Make it a point to instigate sex and chase him down for sex. Be the first and you will have his heart in your hands to trust.
Only if he wants to and only if you want to. Sometimes men don’t want to have sex. And I do like the laughably naivety of a suggestion that assumes that a woman asserting her own sexual requirements will somehow cause the man to love you forever and buy you a pony.
• Read positive books and resources that give you better understanding.
Not Cosmo! Whatever you do, do not read that!
• Do not talk with your friends or church friends about your bedroom life. You are destroying your trust and relationship with your spouse.
You should instead listen to some random stranger who used the term Sexual Camel.
• If your schedule and business is making you too tired for your husband, then you are too busy period. Get rid of something to accommodate. You are telling your husband that he is not as important as your list of items on your to do list. This will destroy your relationship.
How dare you have a career? How dare you have any interests bar pleasing your man! Of course you are equal to men, just a different sort of equality! Now stay at home and learn how to touch your ears with your ankles. You don’t want your marriage to explode now do you?
Or you know, learn how to make the most of the time you have with each other rather than blaming the woman’s career. I mean if the man is busy it’s because he is hunting mammoths to feed you, but if the woman is busy then it’s a case of a frivolous fascination with utilising all that equality that’s enshrined in the law.
• Many do not realize just how bad they need the intimacy until after having intimacy.
Is sex such a bad word that we have to use intimacy in it’s stead?
• We get used to routine as creatures of habit. Even negative routines. When we continue the negative cycle, we think this is “normal” simply because we have been doing it continually for so long. That’s the farthest thing from the truth. We can deceive ourselves out of a life of richness and love that comes with being close and intimate often. Intimacy is healing and will continue the bond between husband and wife that absolutely nothing else will.
Forget all that nonsense they tell you in school about respecting yourself, love, conversation and sharing interests and a connection based on personality. What you need to make your relationship work is sex and only sex. Conversation can go fuck itself because you will be fucking your husband. After all, all men want is sex.
|I just wanted to use this image
because it makes me laugh.
• Deal with the problems preventing WANTING sex, but be effective.
I don’t even know what this means. I mean aren’t they supposed to be giving advice? If your advice consists of “Solve your problems” then you aren’t really giving advice.
• Saying goes, “ready, aim, fire!”. You may be ready to heat things up a bit, but before you start doing things to re-ignite the passion, “aim first.” First find out exactly what is causing the lack of desire. THEN deal with those things.
Oh? I was about to suggest you let problems build up until they explode into a barrage of insults, yelling and the hurling of small objects but this idea is much better.
• Many times a partner will try all kinds of things they think would kindle the fire, only to be burned themselves by frustration that it seemed like it didn’t do anything. Aim at your target. Don’t just shoot, aim. Find out specifics by discussing this in depth with your partner. Then shoot at the target. Bullseye!
Does this have to do with the whole “pursue him” argument. This boils down to the whole “have a conversation” and “be honest about what you want” advice that most sane people give. Rather than the whole “sacrifice your whole life to be a sex slave even if you don’t want to be one” advice that the author also gave.
I think reading this article dropped me into the shallow end of an entire genre of agony aunts/uncles who give atrociously bad advice to women based on theology and frankly lunatic ideas. And it puts me in mind of the various Men’s rights activist forums I used to mock when I used to read Manboobz regularly. At worst we can laugh at it, at best we can fight this sort of bad advice which prolongs loveless marriages, increases bitterness and wastes life.