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Oct 06 2011

You seem to have confused opinion with arseholery

Do not google Cephalopodic Lust
with the safe search off. Trust me…

When you run a blog, you expect people to read your work. You hope that word of mouth spreads and that people form opinions. You hope that this opinions generates discussion, like a kind of typing based salon that is your comments section except there is less pastry and absinthe and more swearing and bad spelling mistakes. But it’s your opinion, you are pretty much allowed to say whatever you feel like. I can for instance make the claim that PZ Myers is a squid obsessed lunatic whose cephalopodic lust will doom us all to a death by those tentacled killing machines, and if we do not stop him and his  Japanese Whaling Allies they will destroy our only hope. Whales…

See it’s an opinion. It’s mental as fuck. It’s stupidly so. However I could have easily launched into a giant diatribe about Hemant Mehta using a inventive swearing and a variety of scenarios. Or I could have just said sexist and racist stuff (Women belong in the kitchen because men cannot cook and if women don’t cook for us we will all starve because our minds cannot comprehend the usage of fire for constructive purposes!) all day causing a variety of people to post in the comments.

But see if you didn’t realise I wrote the above things to make a point, you would feel indignant. You would begin the equivalent of a mob beat down. My comments would be overflowing! But that’s if I just valued comments. I totally do, but I value them for their value of their content. I like the feedback I do receive on the rare occasion that someone does post. But that’s the thing, the number of posts doesn’t matter as much. I would get more by being a complete arsehole.

 But that’s not how you fuel discussion. That’s how you fuel angry invective and that isn’t conducive to an experience where you communicate new ideas and discuss things. It’s not productive it’s catharsis. It’s haterade of the finest quality, one sip and all that matters is telling me how much of a dick I am. A lot of people on some websites use this kind of method to create traffic. Post something controversial and then watch as the hate clicks come in. This is particularly common on websites that pay writers by the visitor generated.

Ben Cochran didn’t understand this difference. He assumed that controversial statement is conducive to discussion. It isn’t. Writing “Fuck Jesus” isn’t going to get people to discuss atheism it’s going to get people to get angry and make noises about killing the author or make noises about how they support the whole “Fuck Jesus” campaign.



Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

His apology is not one. It’s a non-apology. He basically produced a horrid piece of opinion without any benefit of being parody or humour expecting people to clap him on the back rather than turn out to lay a feminist (or in my case a medical themed) beat down. Not all opinions are equal, most are kind of stupid. If someone said “I am of the opinion that the government is listening to our thoughts so as to sell us as cattle to the Reptilian overlords” then we are completely within our rights to treat you like a paint eating moron or a psychiatric case (which you may well be if you said something that delusional).


So let’s dissect what he said and where it went so wrong. 

“People go to the doctor when they’re sick. If you’re a girl, sometimes you go to the doctor to get Pabst beer, or a pap smear, or something like that. What girl have you ever heard of that goes to a doc in the box for birth control? None of them. They go to their gyno. It’s a matter of efficiency. If you have a lung problem, you see a pulmonologist. If you have a heart problem, you see a cardiologist. If you have a cunt problem, you see a gynecologist.”

And make sure it’s on fire!

People go to the doctors when they are sick or for regular check ups to detect chronic diseases such as hypertension or diabetes. It’s why you have regular check ups, a lot of medicine is prevention rather than curative. Eat healthier, do some exercise, enjoy some time with your family… all these are part of my training. 


And kudos on the tasteless pun. Pap Smear vs. Pabst Beer? I mean, if you are going to limbo under the bar of good taste you may as well impress us by setting the bar close to the ground and Mr. Cochran achieves that spectacularly.


And while I am not a fan of using the terminology of “lady bits” to describe the female reproductive system I tend to prefer the word cunt to be used to describe people who are high grade arseholes. I don’
t mean any harm to women, it’s a sad coincidence that the word also means vagina and can be used demean women, but quite frankly post his lovely diatribe if someone stood up and said “Ben Cochran is a cunt” I am damn sure most women would agree with that person.

Oh my yes! My feelings exactly!

So I’m sitting in student health the other day, sneezing my friggin eyes out and coughing up green oysters wondering what in the name of great Zeus’s beard is taking so long. I’m just trying to get seen and have this purulent mucus extricated from my hacking body.Half an hour later, I finally see some movement stirring from across the waiting room. Anurse exits with about half a dozen girls, all grinning from ear to ear, bubbly and giggly as if they just scored their first alcohol purchase with a fake id. In their hands they carried what seemed like a solid 36 month’s worth of birth control.

Firstly, there was someone already ahead of him. In cases such as Student Health which I assume is a low end primary health care run by staff grade nurses and perhaps a matron/nurse practitioner, people generally come in for healthcare check ups and small issues. Traditionally, one queues in this sort of situation. Trust me on this bit, I know how to queue. I am british.


Secondly, you have the cold. Not the plague, it’s not a medical emergency and even if it was you would have gone to a hospital. All it means is your head is filled with mucous. Blow your nose and perhaps invest in a towel and some hot water to breath in some steam rather than expecting some nurse to root around inside your nose like you are some sort of giant infant.


Thirdly, birth control pills are a vital healthcare provision. 

First of all, not even porn stars need that much birth control. Second of all, do you mean to seriously tell me that I’ve been sitting here in misery for the last half an hour just so that this gaggle of preemie sluts could get a free pass on harlotry?

Fascinating my good man! Your incisive wit, observation and humour astound me. Perhaps they should have graciously heard your mucous laden honks and understood the underlying suffering and pain that you were going through. But no, they were too self obsessed in their own birth control to understand the precious flower that is Ben Cochran. Perhaps you should write some poetry or perhaps a song about how we don’t understand the suffering you were going through because some women merely wanted to have the ability to chose when they had children. Perhaps you should have gone to a real hospital where they would have seen you instantly and emptied your sinuses without the need of having to wait for obviously less serious cases to be seen.

Go read your Redbook in the lobby of a specialist while you get a mani as you wait to get your hatchet wound inspected. Leave student health for those of us that are in actual need of medical attention. 

Look, this is a university—an ivory tower of academic prowess. We don’t need to be
handing out birth control left and right especially from an on campus location. This is a
bastion for the intellectually competent. If you find your talents to lend themselves to a more base and carnal nature, perhaps this just isn’t the place for you.

I am not sure that the appropriate term for a vagina is the hatchet wound. I mean, maybe it’s changed since I finished anatomy but I could have sworn the medical name for “the lady bits” is the vagina. And for a nursing student, Mr. Cochran seems awfully incapable of understanding why contraception exists. And he seems rather lousy at understanding the problems of people and their issues. And yes we should hand out more birth control, because you know what? People like to have sex. It’s great fun. But safe sex should always be encouraged and it’s cheap and effective to do so and prevents further complications. Now I understand Mr. Cochran probably is like me and a big fan of women and probably tries to have sex… But for the young woman there is an onus to ensure she doesn’t get pregnant while for me and Mr. Cochran there is not bar common courtesy. Using a condom is fine but some ladies like an extra bit of insurance “just in case”. 

You guys can fuck off too!
Keg stands are not allowed in the Ivory Tower!

I don’t take issue with sex mongers. They serve their place. Hell, according to the bible, it’s the oldest known profession on earth. So you sultry sex fiends are clearly established, but this is a place of higher being. Please take your gaping holes elsewhere for medical services, and leave the real health issues to those that actually belong on a college campus.

Of course not, you probably like them in your bars and bedroom but not in the way of you getting seen for a bit of mucous? Heaven forbid the sex monger wishes to get an education, I mean if women get educated they may start having higher standards than some misogynistic neandrathal who follows the whole Frat Boy ethos. They may start wanting a man who doesn’t refer to their vaginas as hatchet wounds. They may want a man who doesn’t think of them as a sex monger. In short they may want someone who isn’t Ben Cochran.


And all of this is despite Ben being a nursing student. If anything it proves that Mr. Cochran’s talents are less suited for the ivory tower and more suited towards White Castle.

2 comments

  1. 1
    Mike Morrison

    You seem to have forgotten what birth control pills are also used for: Female hormonal balance. They aren’t necessarily always for “birth control.” They can serve a vital health benefit for females other than that as well.

  2. 2
    Hemant

    What did I ever do to you…?! :)

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