Advice for Lonely Potential Mass Murderers

Another college campus, another mass shooting, another bunch of people dead–including the shooter–because a young man was angry the world wasn’t giving him what he thought he deserved. As has frequently been the case, this included a romantic/sexual relationship and the admiration of his peers.

The gunman who killed nine people at an Oregon community college said in writings he left behind that everyone else was “crazy” and ranted about not having a girlfriend, a law enforcement official said Monday.

He “complained in writings about not having a girlfriend, and he seemed to feel like he was very rational while others around him were not”. In other words, he was single and felt unappreciated. He was lonely. So he shot up a college and killed himself.

I’ve been there. Not the shooting part–the lonely part. It’s been a while since I’ve been single, but that’s no guarantee against loneliness, particularly when the way you were raised makes it very difficult to feel appreciated. And yes, it sucks. It sucks in a lot of different ways for different people, but yes, it is not exactly uncommon for it to reach a point where the only thing you want is for it to end one way or another.

Still, no shooting. Not for me. That’s a completely foreign concept as a personal solution to loneliness, but maybe that’s because I’ve always had much better advice to work from.

So if you’re thinking that the only possible way to deal with your own loneliness (or anger over not having a girlfriend and people not seeing you for the insightful person you are, if you prefer) is to take guns to other people, stop for a minute and consider trying some of these solutions first.

From “In Between Relationships: 10 Antidotes to Loneliness“:

Play. Anyone who knows me knows that this has traditionally been a hard one for me. It conjured images of silly people running about doing things I would never do. That said, I needed to find my version of what healthy fun was. Things that had positive consequences. I started dancing the Five Rhythms (http://www.movingcenterschool.com/), took salsa lessons, ice skated w/ my son, played cards with friends, played ping pong, trained for the Avon Walk (okay, for me training is fun), painted with watercolors, took classes at City College, went to open-air markets. There are a ton of things to do and a million online resources in your area for what I call “clean living,” fun things to do.

Get a pet. I love cats, have two (Chloe and Leila), a dog named Bella and a fish; the current one’s name is Donald. (My niece and nephew named the last three Sparkles One, Two and Three.) I cannot tell you how many times my cats have come and cradled me in the midst of some of some of my most intense loneliness. And I let them. I was learning how to comfort myself when I had only known how to reach to someone else before (most of the time not the best someone, either). And yes, they respect me in the morning, all of them, every time—and best of all, so do I!

From “Being Single: How to Handle Loneliness“:

We not only stay in bad relationships to avoid loneliness, but we initiate relationships as a solution to our loneliness. We get involved with people that we would never date but for the loneliness. I had a friend who once took up with a man who lived in a basement room with no windows, had once been a mortician and admitted to her almost immediately (within 10 minutes) when they met that he has shot someone. This fella was so scary that I asked her to not let him know where I lived. Seriously. I have also watched more than one person get married because they thought they were running out of time to have children or get married; they were scared of loneliness.

We tolerate unacceptable behavior from friends, family and partners to abate loneliness. I made a deal with myself a long time ago that I must avoid selfish people, even if they were the only people I knew. Like the friend who does all the talking and can’t talk about anything but herself, a meal alone is so much better. I can’t achieve long-term happiness by engaging in unhealthy and unhappy relationships of any kind. And there are countless other ways people respond to loneliness and the pressures to conform to what others expect. These are just some of the things I have witnessed or done.

How do we avoid making bad decisions? In my experience, we have to slow down, recognize that our feelings are temporary, relentlessly pursue self-awareness (know thyself first) and get help when it’s needed.

From “How to Deal With Being Single and Feeling Lonely“:

Learn a new skill or hobby. Learning something new can be a rewarding experience and help you cultivate new interests.

  • Solo hobbies like cooking, gardening, or crafting can also be turned into social activities by joining a group class on these topics.[16]
  • Keep your mind busy with a good book. Try to find something engaging, informative, or inspirational rather than depressive.[17]

Make your environment happy. Our surroundings can have a big influence on our moods and with a few simple changes you can create a happy, vibrant space that can help combat the lonely blues.[18]

  • Surround yourself with bright colors. Give your room a fresh coat of pain in a bright happy color, like sunny yellow or minty green. Try to add some color into your wardrobe, too. If you dress happy, you just might feel happier![19]
  • Get some flowers or plants to cheer-up your house. Caring for living plants can be a great hobby and add instant “life” to your home. You can also treat yourself to some fresh cut flowers, especially those that are connected to specific emotions (for example: yellow carnations are thought to symbolize cheerfulness).[20]

From “Why You Should Embrace Being Single Instead Of Skulking In Your Loneliness“:

But now that I know I can take care of myself, succeed all my by myself, discover my own dreams and go after them on my own all while making myself happy, I am ready for a man. If a man happens to come into my life and we decide to have some fun and support each other for an unforeseen amount of time, then so be it. I won’t have a boyfriend, though. I’ll take a man.

I’ve been single for five years. For the most part, I’ve learned who I am and what I’m looking for in this life I’ve been given. If I happen to be single for a while longer, that’s fine by me. All I need is myself and those I love surrounding me.

From “All By Yourself? 10 Ways to Overcome Loneliness“:

5. Focus on the needs and feelings of others, the less attention on your lonely thoughts and feelings. I can walk down the street thinking about myself, my loneliness and the hopelessness of it all, staring at the sidewalk and sighing to myself. Or I can walk down the street grateful for the diversity of people I get to share the sidewalk with, silently wishing them good health and good fortune, and smiling at each person I meet. The latter is more fun, even though I sometimes have to remind myself to do it on purpose.

9. Kindness goes a long way. “There’s nobody here but us chickens.” This is one of my favorite lines from The Lazy Man’s Guide to Enlightenment by Thaddeus Golas. Underneath the impressive facades of the high fliers are the same set of emotions we all are born with. Celebrities suffer from stage fright and depression too.

You have the power to offer loving kindness and generosity of spirit to all you come into contact with. It isn’t instinctual to be kind to strangers or people who scare you. But it is a choice. It is a choice that Jesus and Ghandi used intentionally. And in the long run it is a winning choice. The alternative, being mean or stingy with those you don’t know well, can get you a reputation as a Scrooge.

From “25 Things You Can Do The Moment You Feel Lonely“:

10. Start a gratitude practice: Did you know that expressing gratitude correlates positively with happiness? It does! Each day for one month, a good friend and I shared one thing we felt grateful for with each other. Not only did I feel closer to my friend, but I felt happier and more appreciative of my life. If you haven’t already, I encourage you to adopt a gratitude practice. You can even download the Happier app to get started.

14. Enjoy this lovely video: If you do only one thing on this list, do this. You just might be inspired to tackle the world alone with a little more confidence.

22. Find a therapist or counselor: If your loneliness is really getting out of control, you might need some professional support. I help women heal, so if that happens to be you, check out the services I offer here. Be brave and reach out. You deserve support!

Here’s that video:

From “When being single just isn’t working“:

Meet Lots of People!

The ONLY way you can learn about human relations is by having them – not from a book, from a seminar, hiding away in isolation is some retreat house and certainly not from an epiphany or “road to Damascus” encounter. The more you know about others, the more you learn about yourself, and the more you know about yourself, the better chances you have of attracting someone with whom you have lots in common. Get out and meet lots of people, men and women, and talk, smile, flirt, take an interest and laugh with them. No pressure for anyone. And avoid the old habits of quantifying your relationships by “keeping score” as to who called whom first and whether or not a man or woman is “that into you”. That drama may have been okay for junior high, but we’re adults with interesting careers, lives and better things to do – hopefully. The whole point is meet as many people as you can.

Do something you wouldn’t normally do!

A majority of people are so very predictably boring and that is why we are incredibly impressed when we meet someone who is creative and spontaneous. Every now and then try to do something spontaneous – this is not the same as reckless and stupid; get dressed up even if there is no one around to impress, visit that one place you’ve always wanted to, sing that song you love at the top of your lungs, grab some friends and go do something completely mind blowing. Do it just because you can. Push it further and head out onto your freer and wild side. Not only will you be doing something fun and out of the ordinary, but somewhere someone is watching and he or she is very impressed with what they see – it says to them “this is what life with me is like”.

From “How to Overcome Loneliness as a Single Woman“:

The first thing to do when you are overwhelmed by a broken relationship is to take some time for yourself, suggests the University of Florida Counseling and Wellness Center. Focus on the essentials and use this time to improve yourself. Simplify your routine — attend to what’s necessary, like work and childcare — and spend your free time doing what you love. During this necessary grieving process, surround yourself with supportive friends and family. If you have been broken up with, focus on the negatives of the relationship to prevent you from dwelling on the relationship.

From “The Art of Being Happily Single“:

6. Even if you’re single, you still have so much to appreciate.

“Being single is not the end of the world,” a friend said to me. She continued by saying “There are other problems that are more depressing than being single—hunger and homelessness, for instance.”

This felt like a slap in the face to wake me up. It reminded me that even with a broken heart, I am still standing. I’m still breathing. There are still so many possibilities for me.

7. You’re not alone when you’re single; you still have family and good friends.

I am lucky to have a supportive mother and sister. They are my sanity—my light. Spending time with them relaxes me in a way. I’m also fortunate to have wonderfully good friends who are always there with open arms, ready to listen and support me.

I know for sure I can always share my happiness and sorrow with them. I can always depend on them without feeling the slightest bit of guilt. And now that I’m single, I have even more time to devote to being there for them.

All that is just from the top nonreligious search results for “advice for lonely singles”. It isn’t all perfect advice, and not all of it will work for any one person, but there’s an awful lot to choose from and try before committing mass murder.

The trick, of course, is that you have to get over thinking that “lonely single” is something only women are. Yes, the advice I’ve posted here is largely written for an audience of women (and heterosexual women with a certain amount of money and time to spare at that), but that’s because the people willing to look for this advice are by and large women.

It is also because much of the behavior that is useful in combating loneliness is behavior that is coded female. So much of this advice boils down to “Interact with the people around you in positive, giving ways”, “Spend time feeling your feelings until you know what works for you”, and “Pamper yourself.” You won’t find much about establishing dominance or toughing it all out. However, that’s because those things don’t work as cures for loneliness.

Does that mean that finding ways to feel less lonely will make you less of a man? According to some people it will. I’ve seen men mocked for doing all those things. People who have managed to cope, even poorly, under the emotional demands of masculinity have a lot invested in maintaining those demands. But frankly, being surrounded by those people isn’t going to do much to make you feel less lonely either.

So what have you got to lose by looking for and taking some of the advice that lonely women routinely take? Aside from those super-important chances to be used as a rationale for better gun control, of course.

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Advice for Lonely Potential Mass Murderers
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8 thoughts on “Advice for Lonely Potential Mass Murderers

  1. 3

    How about:
    STOP VIEWING OTHER PEOPLE AS LESSER BEINGS.
    I had a friend once who was smart and often funny. But he had this weird habit of ranking people on some self-created scale of worth, and he would get incredibly annoyed if someone he considered unworthy received a boon. If someone got a promotion or a stock grant that he felt was undeserved, he would moan about it for months, even if he had also received the same goodies for himself. And he did this ranking thing for everybody. Once when a bunch of us were playing Monopoly and we had let someone slide a bit on one of the rules, he went on and on about what he should be allowed to do to compensate for that, so much so that we aborted the game because it stopped being fun.
    I’m very glad he wasn’t a gun owner, especially when he got divorced.

  2. 5

    Thanks for posting this helpful response to this trend in shooters. I see most people reacting by simply saying that masculinity is bad and we have to raise men to be more like women, demeaning lonely men in a display that is probably what made them that way in the first place, without actually offering any solutions. It’s nice to see someone actually try to understand what they’re feeling and to offer up some possible solutions.

  3. 6

    How about some advice on how to STOP being single? I’ve been single (and not the freewheeling, one night stand every weekend type, either!) all my life and I’m getting tired of it. I’d like to experience a romantic and sexual relationship while I can still appreciate it.

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