Sentenced!


Jason has received the most wonderful* piece of FtB fic in his comments. The whole thing is a rather awesome** exercise in comparing FtB to the slave-owning South and YouTube atheists, but the last paragraph is the most amazing*** part.

We (the Union) will inevitably stamp out the scourge that is the FtB fanaticism (that’s you, the South) when basically all of the relevant groups see the light of reason and leave you by the way-side. General William T. F00t’s scorched earth campaign has pretty much decimated your resources and left no idiot standing. General Ulysses S. Mykeru has either entirely defeated or cornered your leaders here while your stronghold of Atheism+ forums is all but deserted. Eventually, General Mykeru will capture your president Peezey, force him to surrender unconditionally, and then proceed to eat Generals Brayton, Watson, and Benson alive. General F00t will ensure Secretary of State J. Glenn and Chief Justice TJ Kincaid oversee movement Reconstruction, whilst F00t takes his place as Secretary of Education in President Dawkins’ Cabinet. President Dawkins’ cabinet is by far the most outstanding, and includes the noted Vice President Abbie Smith, Attorney General D.P.R. Jones, Secretary of Defense Sam Harris, and the famed Secretary of the Treasury Neil deGrasse Tyson. Your president Peezey will be sentenced to hard labor in Karen Straughan’s service; General Svan will be sentenced to a diet. You and the rest of your confederates will be expelled into Utah, the pit of Mormon, as punishment for your warmongering. May those crazy bike-riding, creepy, thieving missionaries have mercy on your souls.

In my copious**** free time, I may have to revisit those proposed positions for the lulz. For now, though, take a look at the punishments.

To start with, it’s hard to claim you’re the North when you want to have people eaten alive. That wasn’t exactly how they went about it. Burning? Yes. Cannibalism? No. Your position as the “good guys” is in danger here.

It’s even harder to position yourself as the anti-slavery North when your next step is to sentence someone to slavery.

Me? I’m sentenced to a diet.

No, really. A diet. The punishment this fantasist came up with for me is that I have to not eat a whole bunch of food. He doesn’t have any idea how much I eat now, but I’m fat, so not eating scads of food must be punishment.

Eek.

Gasp.

Yawn.

Honestly, dude, could you find a better way to show off your shallow thinking than that? Oh, wait. You can. You can brag about how Team You is death to all religion, then reveal that you find Mormon missionaries terrifying.

Oh, no, Brer James! Please, please don’t throw me into the…bicycles?

Hey, Richard Dawkins, these are the people who claim to be speaking for you. How does this make you feel?

* By “wonderful”, I mean that it really makes me wonder about the person who wrote it.

** My jaw dropped as I read it.

*** Someone wrote this? Really? And they were serious?

**** This is just sarcasm.

Comments

  1. smhll says

    Will the internet be a better place after Labor Day when more of the kids are spending more time in school?

  2. says

    Dammit, this should have an NSFW label on it. I’m in tears now from having to hold my mouth shut because I was laughing so hard.

  3. Crimson Clupeidae says

    I’m cross posting this here from that thread. (Also, I wondered about that post, and for just a brief few moments, entertained the idea that it was a joke, but I think the author really is that full of himself.)

    Has anyone else noticed the inherent hypocrisy in the position of the anti-feminists? Dave up there illustrates it quite nicely.

    Look at how much time and effort they spend, telling us not to spend time and effort on this because it’s ‘detracting’ from the ‘big fight’ against religion. If they really felt that way, wouldn’t they ignore all of us feminists (at the least) and get on with fighting against religious incursions they insist are so much more important? But no, he see screed after screed, often walls of text that really make it clear just how unimportant it must be, telling us feminists and feminist supporters 1) that we’re wrong; 2) that we are being divisive (another distinct display of hypocrisy here) and most importantly; 3) shut up, because that’s why!

    It makes it quite clear to me, that although they recognize privilege, in the form of religious privilege, and feel it’s worth fighting against, like most people, they are blind to their own privilege. Or, worse, they are aware of it, and really really want to defend it.

    It’s much like seeing so many black people in the US striving so hard to deny gay rights, using the exact same rhetoric now, that was used to describe them back in the 60s.

  4. says

    At first that’s hilarious but then on a closer look it becomes deeply embarrassing – in that peculiarly horrible sense of watching other people humiliate themselves. Like watching a clearly fragile, unconfident person on one of Gordon Ramsay’s chef competitions have a tearful meltdown on camera.

    The unabashed hero-worship is so creepy. Ew ew ew.

    President Dawkins’ cabinet is by far the most outstanding, and includes the noted Vice President Abbie Smith, Attorney General D.P.R. Jones, Secretary of Defense Sam Harris, and the famed Secretary of the Treasury Neil deGrasse Tyson.

    Oh, CRINGE.

  5. brucegee1962 says

    How do they get to claim Tyson? I thought he hadn’t gotten himself involved in any of this nonsense. I hope I’m not wrong.

  6. tiko says

    Wow,an actual adult wrote that.
    In a warped kind of way it’s a compliment.These people are so pissed we’re not in their camp.

  7. says

    No Poe. It’s not the first comment he’s tried to leave around these parts. At least one previous one was crowing over something Thunderf00t had done.

  8. Uncle Ebeneezer says

    Sigh…I guess like greater Wingnutia, Anti-feminism has the same problem of being beyond parody because the craziest, most incoherent example you can dream up is no different (or even orders of magnitude less odious) than what is actually out there.

  9. bryanfeir says

    […] then proceed to eat Generals Brayton, Watson, and Benson alive.

    These people still don’t exactly understand that Rebecca is not on FtB, do they? It’s almost like the whole ‘communist fascist atheiet muslim’ thing… don’t really know what they all are, but they’re all bad, so our enemies must be all of them.

  10. says

    So I got a follow-up to this that I’m sitting on, and once I’m done with work tonight, I’ll be posting this guy’s fanfic with a fisking. Well, more like a pointing-and-laughing.

  11. says

    You know what’s really funny?

    This is the same guy who is trying to argue in one of my threads that people shouldn’t be rude or belittling and that we would be more successful at getting our point across if we were totally polite and professional in all our discourse.

    Yeah.

    That.

    Enjoy.

  12. says

    At first that’s hilarious but then on a closer look it becomes deeply embarrassing – in that peculiarly horrible sense of watching other people humiliate themselves

    Fremdschämen. :)

  13. ThatOtherJessica says

    @19 That is such a useful word.

    In Swedish there is a similar term, although not as succinct and unconvoluted as the German. It is fairly new formed, maybe less than twenty years in usage. I’m not even sure you’d find it in a dictionary but it is in everyday use. The word is “skamkudde” which literally translates to “shame cushion/shame pillow”. It harks from the cushion or pillow you grab to hide your face when a character in a film or tv show is embarrassing themself, to mellow the blow of the vicarious shame.

    (We are/used to be less individualistic than the anglosphere and until recently most of us didn’t understand/like cringe comedy. Even classics like Fawlty Towers caused us mixed feelings and we may be the only people apart from americans who prefer the US The Office to the UK one, as David Brent just caused too many skamkudde moments. (I use past tense, because I can’t speak for present generation, having lived abroad for the past ten years.))

    Any way, these days “skamkudde”, which in its original form is a noun, can be used as an adjective or as short hand. If you ever hear a Swedish person say the single word “Skamkudde…” it can mean a whole sentence, like “The situation I am witnessing is so embarrassing for one or more of the involved that I am feeling a strong urge to hide my face behind this figurative shame cushion to no longer be a witness.” It can also be used as an imperative: “Skamkudde!” meaning “You are being embarrassing, stop what you are doing!”

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