From Slate’s Dear Prudence column:
Q. Friend Has Revised One-Night Stand Story: A friend recently called me and said she had a one-night stand after drinking too much. She was beating herself up over drinking too much and going home with a guy she met at a bar. I reassured her that everyone makes mistakes and didn’t think much more of the account. However, since then, she has told many people that she was a victim of date-rape—that the guy must have put something into her drink . She spoke to a rape crisis line, and they said even if she was drunk, she couldn’t have given consent so she was a victim of rape. She now wants to press charges—she has the guy’s business card. I have seen her very intoxicated on previous occasions, to the point she doesn’t remember anything the next day. I’m not sure on what my response should be at this point. Pretend she never told me the original story?
A: Trying to ruin someone else’s life is a poor way to address one’s alcohol and self-control problems. Since her first version of the story is that she was ashamed of her behavior, and since you have seen her knee-walking drunk on other occasions, it sounds as if she wants to punish the guy at the bar for her own poor choices. Yes, I agree that men should not have sex with drunk women they don’t know. But I think cases like the one you are describing here—in the absence of any evidence she was drugged—where someone voluntarily goes home with a stranger in order to have a sexual encounter, makes it that much harder for women who are assaulted to bring charges. Talk to your friend. Tell her that she needs to think very long and hard about filing a criminal complaint against this guy if there’s any way her behavior could be construed to be consensual. Say you understand her shame, but you’re concerned about her drinking, and if she addresses that, she won’t find herself in such painful situations.
Q: Advice Columnist Blathers On About Rape with No Expertise: A friend recently pointed me to an advice columnist make appallingly ignorant assumptions about a third-party report of a potential rape and use that to feed rape myths. What should I do?
A: Commenting on the circumstances of a rape claim without being or consulting a specialist in the topic is a poor way to make a living. Yes, I agree that no one should take columnists offering “advice on manners and morals” seriously. But I think cases like the one you are describing here–in the absence of any evidence that one specific version of events is the truthful–where someone offers condemnation based on personal opinion only, makes it that much harder for women to be heard when they talk about rape. Throw her to the wolves. Tell her editors they need to think long and hard about having such a person represent them. Say you understand she’s a cheap hack, but you’re concerned about the baseless dismissal of possible rape, and if she’d refrained from doing that, you wouldn’t be writing.
