I am Peter Ingersoll »« Life in the Kingdom?

Santorum to oppose abstinence

Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum took a bold step today by announcing that his campaign is now opposed to the traditionally conservative position on abstinence. Speaking outside the Women’s Reproductive Health Center in Albany, NY, where he was helping to counsel prospective patients on their imminent damnation, Santorum said, “The conservative movement has been in favor of abstinence for a very long time, but I think that’s a mistake. In fact, I’d go as far as to call it a leading cause of the moral decay that has gripped our nation and led to equal rights for gays and other forms of apostasy.”

Campaign spokesman Randy Boynker explained that the Holy Father, like so many of his predecessors, has made it quite plain that birth control is a sin against God. “The first and only commandment that God originally gave to the man and the woman, and really to all of His creatures, is to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. Birth control opposes God by preventing us from obeying that commandment.” Boynker further explained that, since actual abstinence is the most effective form of birth control, Sen. Santorum did not feel as though he could continue to support it. “One of his top priorities as president,” said Boynker, “would be to immediately seek legislation that would make it illegal for a woman to refuse to have sex.” Asked whether such legislation would apply to single women as well, Boynker replied, “There weren’t any weddings in the first two chapters of Genesis.”

Erin Matson, vice president of the National Organization for Women, called the move “disgusting, barbaric, and exploitative,” but Republican leadership is taking a more cautious approach until public reaction to the proposal becomes more clear. Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney said, “I can certainly see where this approach might come as a surprise to many lifelong conservatives, and I think they might have some very real reservations. But I’m always open to the advice and conscience of the spiritually minded, so we’ll just have to wait and see.” Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich, the possible spoiler in the Republican presidential race, was taking a more decisive and pro-active approach. “I have always been opposed to abstinence,” the former Speaker was quoted as saying. “I think even marital fidelity is a bit much to ask. Except for women, of course.”

Early polls show a slight decrease in support for Santorum, but the campaign does not take that as a bad sign. “Sure, support among female voters has fallen off,” said Santorum via cell phone, “but the numbers for male voters are going straight up. I’m confident that with God’s help, they’ll more than make up the difference.”

Mrs. Santorum could not be reached for comment.

Comments

  1. Butler says

    You had me for a minute, then I remembered the date. It still wouldn’t surprise me if it were true though.

  2. Timberwoof says

    You had me going for a while, but I see what you did there.

    Randy Boynker … that’s the second worst Google search I’ve ever done. I got only six hits, and the first one was this page. Well, done Sir!

  3. DLC says

    I’m sure pRick Santorum was just looking at the Hard Numbers, and coming with his best shot. (Pinocchio ? )

  4. Alex says

    I genuinely believed this to be true. THAT is how ridiculous Santorum is. It has reached the point that even when people are making jokes about Santorum’s political rhetoric, I can’t tell the difference. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

  5. mikespeir says

    Far better than the old “I found Jesus!” tripe we usually see on atheist sites this time of year!

    • janeymack says

      Oh, there’s some variations on that scattered around FTB, too. I’ve actually been getting a good laugh out of some of it. (I hate April Fools Day with a passion.)

  6. Fealyn says

    Ugh I just woke up and this is the first thing I read It wasn’t till I got to the comments that I realized what was going on! Very nice and very believable I commend you sir!

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